SAHP and money

[ginonymous]

am a SAHM with a 15 month old. I am wondering how other SAHMs are able to spend money on themselves. I don't spend any money on makeup or clothes for myself and rarely go for haircuts or lunches etc. I go once every 5/6 weeks for a wax and once every 6 weeks for a chiropractor appointment as I have a bad back since pregnancy. My husband is making me feel guilty about spending money on these two things. He makes comments like "how much did I spend on your wax this time?". A while ago I walked into town with a friend and she suggested we go for coffee while there. When he saw I had spent money on a drink he suggested that next time I take a bottle of water so that I don't have to spend money on drinks. Am I being selfish to feel like this is unfair? I am not doing nothing everyday, I look after our child, cook, clean and do most things around the house but feel like I can't spend any money on myself at all. Is this right? Part of me is considering going back to work even though I won't end up with much money after childcare, just so that I can spend a little on myself but the other part of me thinks it isn't worth losing this precious time with my child just so that I can have the occasional treat. How are other SAHMs coping with this kind of situation?
My husband has also just booked a long weekend away with the boys and when I asked him if I could do the same he said no as the weekend between the two of us would then be too expensive. I know this is just a nice-to-have but feel that by being a SAHM I can't do anything. Am I being unreasonable by wanting to be able to do things that cost some money?

No definitely not. If you were very tight on money and had to budget very carefully in order to survive then he'd have a point but as he is booked a boys weekend (probably without asking you) then he is being ridiculous.

He is looking at it being his money you are spending because you are not working. Time to have a proper chat on budget. If you go back to work then childcare cost is split between th two of you.

By the way I'm a sahm because we couldn't get childcare to cover either of our hours. Financially we'd of been slightly better off if I'd of stay working rather than him but we made the decision that I'd stop because I wanted to and he didn't think he'd of coped being a sahd.

Every now and then I leave him with the toddler for a few hours to remind him that he has the easier job.

No of course not- too many men nowadays do not value the contribution of a SAHM. Invoice him for childcare, cleaning and cooking- he can also make the required pension contributions and let you accrue annual leave, because you are doing a vital job to the family you chose to have together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, you're not. The way we work it is, all money is 'family money' and we're both free to spend as we wish (within our means obviously ). We both know our incomings and out goings so know what we can afford. We've lived together for many years and it has always been this way for us. In your position I would go back to work.

No! YANBU! What he us doing could be viewed as abusive. He is controlling financially. Did you discuss how you would both be prior to having your DC?

Thanks everyone. We didn't discuss this specifically prior to having a child as I had never even imagined this kind of scenario. We have always had a joint bank account and contributed to the household bills. We both agreed that I would stay at home for now. I never thought I would be made to feel guilty about spending. I also thought that he would be more appreciative of the fact that being a Mum is a job but he has said that he is "never going to pat me on the back for looking after our child as that is what SAHMs should do and as I so desperately wanted to have children I shouldn't moan that it is difficult". I told him that he needs to realise it is a job, a full time job all hours of day and night, but he just doesn't get it.

He sounds awfull.. really mean..

He sounds horrible.

If you go back to work surely he'll have to pay the cost of childcare. How dare he treat you like that! I think you need to sit him down and have a very honest conversation. If he's having a boys weekend. Then you should get a girls weekend!

Half the disposable income should be yours. I bet you are kind to him when he has a tough day at work even though that’s his ‘job’. Also once he is home in my opinion house and childcare should be split equally between you both. You deserve more.

OP, based on what you have described, best you take time to reconsider your position with regards to going back to work.

A small surplus with you going back, is worth its weight in gold when you think about the long term impact of pension contributions for yourself, your feelings of self worth and independence on when you can have a coffee with a friend, ensuring your skill set is up to date when your DC are independent and don't need you around as much any more, etc.

Have a look around the relationship boards for various scenarios around the long term in an arrangement where the SAHP hasn't got the full buy-in and support of the breadwinner.

In your shoes I would definitely go back to work asap. You do not want to be financially at the mercy of a man like that!

hand him an invoice for the cleaning, the child care, shopping, cooking, ironing and all the other shit you do around the house

or get a job out of the house and he has to put towards the above

he is an arsehole - possibly not beyond redemption, but an arsehole still the same - and book yourself a weekend away leave him with DC

I was a SAHM and had full unfettered access to family income. My DH actively encouraged me to go out see friends and buy new clothes etc.

Get yourself back to work full time sweetheart, this isn’t working and you need the financial security.

And he needs to contribute half the child care costs.

I wonder how he would see things if he was the sahp and you were working.

Plenty of dad's do stay home while mum works. Does he think they are not allowed to buy anything?

He's a pig. I'm sorry you didn't find out until after the baby was born but it is financial abuse. Leave. See what he says when he comes home and you're gone.

To be honest he sounds like an asshat.

I would expect x to go in the pot for bills and expenses and you to have equal money for expenses etc.

This is coercive control and it will only get worse I would say, based on experience of a friend. She is now not allowed to go anywhere where she has to pay for parking and has to get him to transfer money to buy anything when out eg a coffee or even food/drinks for her dc. It’s a really miserable existence and he is abusive in other ways as well. If I were you I would get a job and make plans to leave him.

WTAF!

You are a team! In a team people have different roles but couldn't manage without the other doing their bit. I'm a SAHM and have been for 18 years! I am brilliant at what I do 😂 and he's brilliant at bringing home the bacon. Great team.
Your DP is a twat.

His attitude is appalling.

For a start, I would return to work if I was you. He would have to pay half of the childcare costs, and also do half of all cooking and cleaning.

I'd also drop the wax until I could afford to pay for it myself. I'd be hairy as fuck and I'd invite him to run his hands through my luscious leg locks.

Get back to work. Please do not become financially dependent on a person with that attitude

I was on mat leave and dp pulled this once, I'm back to work ft early and he's meeting half of childcare.
You need a personal budget which you can agree - regardless of agreed amount a month maybe to spend on what u want. Take cash out n noone tracks the spending as none of their buisness!

Oh, and I'm a SAHM. My husband wouldn't question my spending on coffee, lunches, clothes, grooming etc, because he isn't a fucking dictator.

I'd never ever be a SAHM if I had a husband like yours. I'm not having a go at you at all, and I totally understand you wanting to spend your time with your child, but I could never put up with somebody who would try to financially control me to the point of saying take a bottle of water out to avoid buying a coffee, and then goes and books a bloody weekend away for himself! Selfish beyond belief.

Maybe you should tell him you are going to get a weekend job so he can have baby every Saturday & Sunday and the money you earn can be used on treats for you. That might shut him up for awhile

My husband pulled the ‘Ive been at WORK’ all day card on me once (I do actually work but much less hours). So I calculated the cost of full time nursery hours for 2 x toddlers with my 30 hour funding and full wrap around care for the older child and told him he would need to pay half when I go back to work full time. Sorted his attitude right out.

Please get yourself back to work in some capacity, he’s being a total bellend.

I'm sorry to say this, but he's financially abusing you. Please don't give up your job, you may need it.... maybe go part time

I left my first dh for this sort of thing. It’s just abusive. Dd was 6 months old when I left.

I am now a sahm and remarried (15 years on, my dc have a big age gap!) Dh and I give ourselves equal spending money after all bills are paid. I wouldn’t do it any other way.