SAHP and money

[ginonymous]

am a SAHM with a 15 month old. I am wondering how other SAHMs are able to spend money on themselves. I don't spend any money on makeup or clothes for myself and rarely go for haircuts or lunches etc. I go once every 5/6 weeks for a wax and once every 6 weeks for a chiropractor appointment as I have a bad back since pregnancy. My husband is making me feel guilty about spending money on these two things. He makes comments like "how much did I spend on your wax this time?". A while ago I walked into town with a friend and she suggested we go for coffee while there. When he saw I had spent money on a drink he suggested that next time I take a bottle of water so that I don't have to spend money on drinks. Am I being selfish to feel like this is unfair? I am not doing nothing everyday, I look after our child, cook, clean and do most things around the house but feel like I can't spend any money on myself at all. Is this right? Part of me is considering going back to work even though I won't end up with much money after childcare, just so that I can spend a little on myself but the other part of me thinks it isn't worth losing this precious time with my child just so that I can have the occasional treat. How are other SAHMs coping with this kind of situation?
My husband has also just booked a long weekend away with the boys and when I asked him if I could do the same he said no as the weekend between the two of us would then be too expensive. I know this is just a nice-to-have but feel that by being a SAHM I can't do anything. Am I being unreasonable by wanting to be able to do things that cost some money?

Jeez go back to work, I say that as someone who has been a stay at home mum! My DH NEVER said any of this!

OP do you get any sort of benefits? Who gets the child benefit? Are you entitled to income support?

Do you do food shopping in the supermarket? Short term I'd ask for cash back every time so you've got actual cash in your purse rather than swiping for everything

Long term its a sit down concersationabout fmay money - point out that returning to work will mean no extra money in the pot as he'll be helping cover childcare but you'll feel more entitled to spend half is in there!!

What would happen if
he said "blah blah you should take water and starve be UAE blah blah" and you just said "no, it's our money and I'm entitled to spend it too"
Or if he said "how much did I pay for your wax" and you said "it didn't cost YOU be uase it came out of family money"

Wow, he sounds awful. If money is tight he shouldn't be going away with the boys. I'm a SAHM. I take money from our joint account every week and put in my own account to pay for all the household stuff, food, fuel, kids clothes etc. I also use this account to pay for extras for myself. So if I fancy a coffee or lunch out and there is enough money, I have it.
I sounds like your DH needs to value what you contribute to the family. All the household chores done, all life admin, all childcare. If you also worked, your DH would have to take time off if your child is ill, has doc appointments etc. He should be thankful for a supportive wife that enables him to concentrate on his career.
Have the coffee.... get a slice of cake next time too.

He sounds lile a total dick.

I'm a SAHM. All incoming money goes into a joint account which is used for all household/child expenses. DH and I then take a set amount each every month to put into our own separate accounts for spending on whatever we want, no questions asked.

I'm a SAHM, I have full access to the joint account where all our money goes, and my husband wouldn't dream of speaking to me the way yours does. He 'pats me on the back' regularly, because he knows that my job isn't a walk in the park. And while I probably don't spend as freely as I did when I was bringing in my own income, that's not because of anything my husband has ever said or implied.

Life is too short to stay with somebody who treats you like shit. He is treating you like shit. I would have one serious discussion with him about money, and if that didn't change things drastically I would make my plans to leave.

It sounds like financial control verging on financial abuse tbh. Does he acknowledge how parenting is an equal job and the value that being a SAHM brings to the family?

Go back to work.

He can then pick up his share of the childcare. What a wanker.

we do an agreed equal amount of personal spends and you don't have to account for how you spend it.

I would seriously consider whether I wanted to stay married to a man like that, and definitely not have a second child with him.

The big mistake you have made is allowing him to treat you like that.

If not for yourself think about the example it sets to your child. If you have a boy do you want him to see that’s how he can treat women? And if you have a daughter set her a good example and stand up for yourself. Marriage is being a team and your husband is not thinking of you

Your husband is an utter cockwomble. All money is family money. You need to go back to work and give him an ultimatum about his attitude and behaviour.

It is financial abuse.

We had a joint account with a pocket money standing order to each of our personal accounts. That money was spent as we wished with no questions. However often I would buy a coffee etc with joint account money anyway.

The experiences of men who have had a sahm partner who then gets a job are pretty eye opening for everyone. He has no idea what being a working parent is actually like for most people. He needs a kick up the arse - or you should get a job and then leave.

This is not normal. My husband will try and go without new things in order to prioritise me, and obviously the children. All money is our money, and he doesn't control what I spend in any way. I think this is partly because he massively respects the role I have at home looking after our three children, and partly just because he is a lovely man, who loves us.
I am so sad to read how you are being treated. You do not deserve it. It is hard work looking after a young child all day. I am not sure I could stay in a marriage with someone who held these attitudes. I hope you find a way to get through to him,
Otherwise, I would seriously think about why I was with someone who thought so little of me they begrudged me a coffee

I agree with pps he sounds financially abusive. You cant buy yourself a coffee but he can go on a weekend away with his friends
You said he saw that you had bought a coffee. Does he check up on you with receipts/bank statements?
He sounds really controlling.
You need to realise your self worth, do not let him treat you like this!

Have my first
Ltb
I'd run for the fucking hills, leave him to fend for himself and buy myself many coffees
Bellend

Totally agree with everything everyone has said, except only go back to work if you want to, otherwise, if it's not what you want you will be swapping one sad situation for another and feel resentful none the less. I became a SAHM after DS1 was born, it wasn't our intention as I earned more than DH but I realised I just didn't want to put DS1 in childcare and DH was in full agreement. It as financial suicide and there were some weeks where I scrabbled around to find the £3 for the church playgroup and there was certainly no money for hairdressers etc but DH and I were always in the same boat, he wasn't spending any money on himself either and we were always an equal partnership - he provided the money, I looked after the DSs and kept the homefires burning.

If you do go back to work then clearly childcare would be a cost shared between the two of you, not yours alone to finance.

Slightly different situation here but I work for DP running his businesses 2 days a week when DD(18mo) is in nursery and I do an hour each day while DD naps. I could work 5 days but DP and I agreed that this way DD gets the best of both worlds. We don't have a joint account but we split bills etc accordingly and if I ever need more money, he doesn't question it and just transfers it. He actively encourages me to go running and have my own time, to meet my friends during the day, to treat myself to whatever and also encourages me to book DD into nursery for an extra day every now and then so I have a day to myself. He's very aware that being a SAHP is hard and he wouldn't hack it for a week.

Your DH sounds awful and I'd be looking for employment ASAP to gain back some independence and freedom.

This is financial abuse. What a bastard. He's treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe.

You need to sit down and discuss this properly. Weigh up all the options eve going back full time (he'd have to share the household jobs more etc), part time (also helping more), staying sahp but with access to family money with no strings.

I could understand if you were all just getting by, but he's going on a boys weekend! What a selfish tosser.

I think you need a family emergency where you have to go and help some distant family member for a weekend and the baby isn't invited. He needs to experience how hard it is.

You should both have an equal share of the disposable family money to spend as you wish. I spend a fortune on take away coffees but it’s my money to do as I want with it. What is your current arrangement?

This is really unfair and very harsh on you. Your husband should appreciate everything you do for your family and you him. I am a SAHM and my husband definitely appreciates everything I do for our family. I do everything as well. All housework, childcare, cooking, cleaning etc etc...you name it I do it.
I would be fucked off if my husband denied me a bloody coffee when out and about.

This is not ok OP. He can't have financial control over you because you don't contribute financially to the family.

Seems like you need to have Frank discussion with him. Is he the kind of man to sit down and discuss this with you fairly and calmly? Do you think he will listen to you and take on board what you are saying? Or do you think he will dismiss you?

Sorry OP this really is upsetting to read. I hope you have family/friend support around you.

P.s I know there is a lot of talk on MumsNet about being financially independent. I do understand why people say it. However when you share a life with someone and you jointly made a decision to run your home the way you do then there should be equal support and trust from both parties.

Being financially independent can and does work for a lot of families but this not fair on you and something needs to change.

Sorry I mean that being financially DEPENDENT can and does work.

He's being a cf. I'm not a 100% sahm as a work a couple of shifts a week, but that's for my own sanity more than anything. My oh earns the money and I spend it 😄. jokes... But I do spend whatever I want (within reason) and he would never question it. He did hint that we were a little short of money after Xmas due to a string of holidays and the general Xmas costs, and that WE need to get and rein it in a little over the next couple of months, but I totally agree, and we are both watching what we spend to boost our savings back up. Your dh cannot tell you to "take a drink with you" when he's got a lads holiday booked, that's just a joke. It's like he totally sees it as HIS money, and you're only allowed to spend what he says you can. Show him the cost of childcare each week, a cleaner, and a live in chef, and then ask him how much your time and effort as a sahm is worth. I would be furious if my oh made me feel guilty for buying a sodding coffee, but I know he wouldn't as he would never begrudge me anything and says that going out and doing fun/nice things for myself is important for me to be the best mum I can be, and the same for him, we both treat ourselves and neither of us goes without, he earns the money for our family, not for himself. Your dh surely cannot be serious about you cutting down your minimal spending when he has a holiday booked, and then refusing you one. I'd lose my shit, he sounds extremely controlling.

It is financial Abuse and he is an arsehole.

And no, going back to work childcare costs should not come out of your wage alone.

Your husband is a vile fucking cunt. Do not allow this bullshit. Leave him and spend the maintenance on whatever the hell you please.

I don't ask before I buy anything unless it's something huge like I don't know garden furniture
I would have thought it's money to be shared
And that your husband would want you to be healthy and feel groomed and good about yourself