Please tell me it's going to get better?

[SolarSue]

I'll try and cut a long story short but I have always lived in big cities (London, New York, Shanghai). Dp has always wanted to go back to his roots and live nearer his dcs in the Cotswolds so after much persuading from him, we agreed that once my dc had left home in London, we would look to move to the Cotswolds.

We found the most amazing house in the summer but in a village that I felt was too small. It has pubs and a cafe open like 9-3 but no shops. It's 10 mins drive to the station (and I need to commute back to London). I was v busy work wise and had to travel a lot over the summer - we saw a load of other more convenient houses in bigger villages and nearer stations but Dp had his heart set on this house. After much persuasion from him and a few trial commutes that went ok, we put an offer in and it was accepted. I'm a v outdoorsy person so Dp kept telling me it would be fine.

We moved in a month ago and omg. I am honestly shell shocked. I have not worn normal shoes since we moved in. Everything is muddy, it's like there is no end to the mud. I hadn't realised as we looked at the house in the summer that there are no streetlights anywhere and no pavements. I'm used to running but I can't go anywhere because I have to run on the road and they are single track country lanes and it's too dangerous. There was a bus that came through the village in the summer but that's been cancelled by the council now and so there is no public transport at all. If you get to one of the stations, your only option for getting here is to get a cab and you need to pre book it! I have never felt so isolated in my life. If you want to go anywhere or do anything, you have to drive and I am totally nightblind and with no streetlights that means I can't do anything on my own steam before sunrise and after sunset! I got out a lot more in London than I do here because it's just fields and farms and other than the garden, which is fantastic, I have to drive to go anywhere else!

I have been honest with Dp especially as he sold the idea to me and he has said I just need time but I am not sure time will fix this. It's affecting my sleep now as I'm so worried about being stuck here!

If this has happened to you, does it get better?

Well I think you’re either a country or a city person to be honest! I moved from South London to rural South Norfolk about 14 years ago and I am the opposite, I absolutely love it and despite living in London for nearly 30 years previous to then I don’t miss London at all. But yes, there is mud everywhere. There’s no point buying smart / trendy clothes as the majority of the time you’ll be muddy and cold... which I don’t care about because I love walking through the endless fields and spending time at home. Our nearest city (which is actually like a large town compared to London) is 25 miles away. We have no transport apart from driving - which is a bit of a shock after buses every 2 mins everywhere. We don’t go out much. But we like it like that....

I think it’s possible you can get used to it but you have to embrace it for what it is. Replace the running with country walks. Get yourself really good walking boots. Or accept you’ll have to drive everywhere to do anything.

If it’s really awful you’ll have to talk to your dh and tell him how unhappy you are and want to move somewhere else.

Sorry I'm not much help , I lived in the countryside (very rural) for most of my life , moved into a medium town 5 years ago , would never go so isolated again , I love being able to walk to cafes and walking to the station to jump on a train , I think both lifestyles have good and bad points and major change takes time but give it a while and see what happens

I'm no comfort either as we have just moved out of a very small village back to a much bigger one for similar reasons. I also was persuaded into the move because the house was so lovely. Location is everything, of course, we all know this. I will say this though - Winter is definitely the worst time.

I think your dp has taken the piss a bit, and pushed you into something he should have known was going to be a step too far. Put the house back on the market in the new year and compromise on a large village or small town.

I feel for you OP as I've experienced this too. We moved to have our children though and that's what made me change. I didn't want to raise children in London and having children helped me to make new friends. I love where we live now because of the lifestyle my children have.

Can you join something to try and make new friends...? Maybe try and get your confidence up with the night driving... can something be done to help with night blindness?

One thing that really resonates for me from your post is your sleep being impacted. It took me a long time to get used to the silence at night. I was raised in London so it was a life long habit to fall asleep to noise. It took me about eight months to get used to the silence. Interestingly I stayed at a hotel by Kings Cross last week and loved falling asleep to the noise of the trains.

This is the worst time of year for the mud and the short days. You may feel better when spring and summer come.

With regard to the running, there will be somewhere you can run off-road, you just need to find it: country park, public footpaths etc.

A torch is useful for unlit roads, or the torch app on your phone.

Honestly, OP — and I say this as a longtime Londoner who moved to a small midlands village seven years ago — this didn’t ‘happen to you’. You didn’t use your eyes!

I appreciate that you would not necessarily have foreseen the loss of the bus (though this happens a lot with funding cuts and the countryside is haemorrhaging buses — I’ve been involved in campaigning for the retention of our heavily-subsidised but irregular service) but no one put in temporary pavements and streetlights to fool you, or tempted you in with temporary amenities within walking distance. Yes, this is not London, with its wealth of activities accessible by public transport. Yes, you need to drive everywhere. In London, I was out every night at the theatre, music, exhibitions, bars. I didn’t own a car — I walked and used the tube and buses. In the country, life is very different. I travel back to London if I want those things.

Your idea of ‘normal’ shoes is irrelevant — normal for me here (very clay-y local soil) is wellingtons in winter. I run, and just had to get used to running in the fields — the real hazard is not mud but rabbit holes. And avoid running on paths through ploughland in wet weather.

Thanks all. Yes it's bloody cold too, I forgot that bit!

I do need to get my confidence up with the driving and I have persuaded Dp to go on a walk with me today. I can't fix the night blindness but I am going to speak to the optician after Xmas to see if they can help. But I have tried to drive twice at night and it was a disaster - it's so dark that I can't see and have to drive v slowly and any oncoming vehicle blinds me.

It is so quiet, so so quiet and I'm finding that hard.

My dc are visiting me after Xmas. They love the house but neither of them drive. They have already booked in Dp taking them places because they aren't sure what they would do otherwise!

There are footpaths but they are all through fields and not actual paths? Just a trail in the mud through a field? Are the farmers ok with people traipsing across their land? They are labelled footpaths but are they ok?

I can only walk on them in wellies as they are like bogs at the moment but they might be ok in the spring/summer?

Yes I honestly feel an idiot :(

I genuinely and rather stupidly didn't realise what a big change this would be.

I know it’s the hardest time of year to be doing this but I don’t think from your opening post that you will be happy long term and agree your DH should have known better. I’d put the house back on market in the New Year and look for something in or on the edge of a Market town,

Sympathy on the night driving. I have the same problem now and wouldn’t live rurally again now because of it.

I live in a similar set-up, and think that it is crazy to move somewhere like this if you can't drive. I'd like to tell you it's going to get better, but all I can say is that the winters and the mud can seem endless, often lasting till the end of March. The summers are glorious, though - but if you live in the main bit of the Cotswolds, the tourists and traffic will be a nightmare.

Thanks, it's all food for thought. I can drive but just not, it turns out, when it's absolutely pitch black outside. Because I've been in London and living on a street behind a busy high street, I've only had to drive on lit roads and probably only once a month as we were so well connected public transport wise and it's clear my eyesight for driving has deteriorated massively in that time.

I think I will get through Xmas and the new year as I don't want to ruin it for everyone then have a serious chat to dp in January. I can't tell you what a relief it is to air my thoughts on here. Dp can see I'm struggling but I don't think gets how bad I am feeling.

If you hadn’t mentioned the Costwolds, I would have sworn you had just moved into my village.
I have done nothing but moan this last two months about the mud. I am constantly in wellies, constantly cleaning the floors in my house, always have wet coats and boots drying somewhere.
It’s always cold in my house, and expensive to heat. At the moment I would happily move into a new house in a town.
But in Spring eveything changes and I absolutely love being here. Bright quiet mornings, nothing to hear except the birds and the lambs, great walks from my doorstep.
It’s honestly a different place. We’ve lived here for 12 years now so the benefits definitely outweigh the negatives. You need to give it a good 12 months before deciding that you hate it.

I live in a small village in the Cotswolds too, but I absolutely love it. I wouldn't live anywhere else. The mud goes with the territory- it has been exceptionally wet. But maybe just down to personalities, I would be miserable living in London not breathing clean air. Give it another year, the spring is beautiful here.

If they are labelled as footpaths, with little arrow signs, they are absolutely public rights of way and you can use them. Have you got an OS map of your immediate area around your house? There are likely to be footpaths you hadn't realised about all over the place.

If a path is shown on an ordinance survey map then you have a legal right of way. A path doesn't need a special surface to be a path.

I do have sympathy. I grew up in the countryside, now live in London. I couldn't go back.

Another vote here for giving it a full 12 months before making any big decisions. I was very definitely not a country person when we came here from central London and I am also fed up of the endless mud at this time of year. But the summers are magical. I would never go back now. Does your village have a welcoming community? It helped a lot when we started to get invited to things. It also turned out that most of our neighbours had moved down from London in the previous few years and so they understood.

Think your DP has been pretty cheeky in getting what he wanted tbh.

I think not being able to drive at night would be a deal-breaker for me. I don't necessarily drive much at night but the thought of not being ablecl to at all would make my pluses-and-minuses rural home feel like a prison. And also I live near a forest park so there are proper stony trails for running in muddy weather. No way vould I run on the unpaved paths at the moment, its almost too slippery to walk!

Certainly check your glasses prescription as if its wrong it will make night driving harder, and there are also anti glare tintsx apparently

But also, work out your must haves and your would very much likes, get dh to list his, and negotiate.

If you're working ft and commuting then the lovely countryside will be dark by the time you get home for at least half the year i imagine. So that is possibley less of an attraction. And i totally feel your pain re the mud!!

How about compromising with him and suggesting you move to Cirencester or Cheltenham (you may be better suited to Cheltenham), burg lovely areas still in the cotswold but with some semblance of civilisation. You're either a country girl I'd not. I love it and your situation sounds ideal, but I can imagine if it's not you, it's going to feel like purgatory, especially if your dh is away a lot

Footpaths are fine. This is the worst time of year. So dark and cold! Also it’s been particularly wet this year and that’s not helped with the mud. Do you have a local pub? I find it’s good to get out and meet people and the pub is a good starting point. Have you looked at any local running / cycling / horse riding clubs? It’s a good way to meet people. It will get better in spring / summer but it may not be for you ultimately.

OP I live admittedly in a small town so it completely rural but we are extremely rural compared to London. My advice is:

1. Look up your nearest park run. They run across the country every Saturday morning and here you will meet like minded people that will point you in the direction of some beautiful running trails
2. in the cotswalds there will be lots of walking/hiking clubs. Join one and experience the absolute joy of your surroundings. Only when you see what else is to offer will you be able to decide if it's worth the sacrifice
3. go to your local pub. You will meet people there and start to see the joy of a small community
4. embrace community activities. Once you start to know people and they get to know you I promise there is nothing like it. Small communities, where lots of people know you and wave to you are an amazing thing.
5. invite neighbours round for Xmas drinks. Embrace social functions. Explore the new area

It really will take time to get used to 'booking' a cab, no transport etc and even driving in the dark but if you can withstand the gloomy months you will see your village come alive in the spring/summer. It's about mindset though and I realise it's so different from London it is alarming! Good luck op. I really hope you find your country legs. It's truly amazing on a summers evening listening to the wildlife, sat in your garden with a fire going and a glass of wine. Hearing the owls hooting at each other and seeing the stars in the sky. All things it's harder to do in London.

Ok thanks for the info re the footpaths. For some reason I thought I was going to walk on them and get shouted at by a farmer! I just went out, in huge wellies, and traipsed across the field where I saw the footpath. Some horses came to say hello as did a few of the people in the village. It really is a tiny village, I haven't met anyone who isn't retired yet.

I can see how in the summer and spring it is beautiful. And the house is absolutely stunning with an amazing piece of land. But at the moment, I only really get to see it on the weekend. Monday to Friday I'm commuting, in the dark and struggling. I actually think I would be better off staying in London during the week and coming here on the weekend if I could afford it.

Thanks for all your posts - I was so upset this morning and they have really helped. I do want to make a go of it - I have made a compost heap, started to put together stuff for a huge vegetable garden and I am really trying. But at the moment, I'm just not feeling it at all. I also feel a bit old to be making new friends again. I had a life, and one I liked, in London and this just all feels so alien to me.

I did this for similar reasons and have to say I hated it at first. It took me a while to find my 'people' and my running route! I used MapMyRun to find my running spots initially and that helped. Now I am on the Parish Council and have a lot of friends round here. It is a village of about 200 people and I absolutely love it. I love the peace and quiet of it but it took me ages to get used to it! The silence was deafening