Please tell me it's going to get better?

[SolarSue]

I'll try and cut a long story short but I have always lived in big cities (London, New York, Shanghai). Dp has always wanted to go back to his roots and live nearer his dcs in the Cotswolds so after much persuading from him, we agreed that once my dc had left home in London, we would look to move to the Cotswolds.

We found the most amazing house in the summer but in a village that I felt was too small. It has pubs and a cafe open like 9-3 but no shops. It's 10 mins drive to the station (and I need to commute back to London). I was v busy work wise and had to travel a lot over the summer - we saw a load of other more convenient houses in bigger villages and nearer stations but Dp had his heart set on this house. After much persuasion from him and a few trial commutes that went ok, we put an offer in and it was accepted. I'm a v outdoorsy person so Dp kept telling me it would be fine.

We moved in a month ago and omg. I am honestly shell shocked. I have not worn normal shoes since we moved in. Everything is muddy, it's like there is no end to the mud. I hadn't realised as we looked at the house in the summer that there are no streetlights anywhere and no pavements. I'm used to running but I can't go anywhere because I have to run on the road and they are single track country lanes and it's too dangerous. There was a bus that came through the village in the summer but that's been cancelled by the council now and so there is no public transport at all. If you get to one of the stations, your only option for getting here is to get a cab and you need to pre book it! I have never felt so isolated in my life. If you want to go anywhere or do anything, you have to drive and I am totally nightblind and with no streetlights that means I can't do anything on my own steam before sunrise and after sunset! I got out a lot more in London than I do here because it's just fields and farms and other than the garden, which is fantastic, I have to drive to go anywhere else!

I have been honest with Dp especially as he sold the idea to me and he has said I just need time but I am not sure time will fix this. It's affecting my sleep now as I'm so worried about being stuck here!

If this has happened to you, does it get better?

I’m Cotswolds based too! We’re moving out of our very large village to a small village (sounds very like the one you speak of but it still has a skeleton bus service). We’re delighted to be escaping the people/traffic/noise but it isn’t for everyone.

Give me a shout if you need a friend to help you explore the countryside.

Happy to be told I'm naive as I never went running when I lived in the middle of nowhere as a child/ teen but could you get hi vis vests, some sort of lights on your body and a head lamp? I must say a head lamp was was on the Xmas list when we were about 16, walking back from mates! I accept the mud can be annoying; I live on the edge of a city with lots of green spaces and I'm finding that annoying at the moment when I run.

Get your eyes tested. If oncoming vehicle lights are blinding you, then it's your eyes.

I grew up in a rural environment and now live in an urban area. I would not go back.

Get a headtorch and a hi-viz tabard for running.

Winter is touch, but we are past the shortest day now.

Actually, I completely agree with you about the being blinded by the lights of on-coming vehicles thing. It’s possible this may improve with practice - like you say, driving in total darkness is a new thing for you. I found once I was used to the route, or had found routes I preferred, I was more comfortable with driving in the dark. It also helps to direct your eyes to the left hand side of the road illuminated by your headlights rather than the middle of the road where you are being dazzled.

It's going to get better! We have just passed winter solstice so, every day now, it will get a little lighter at each end of the day. Night driving: learn to watch the verge and look away from oncoming headlights. And get the anti dazzle (it probably has a proper name) coating for lenses for glasses. Mud is courtesy of the weather, that probably won't change unless you change countries! Get a running machine off freegle (there will be loads in the next couple of months after Xmas!); also start by walking your area, days, evenings and nights, so you learn all the paths. Treat yourself to a good OS map of your village and the nearest ones (you can often find beautiful old ones to frame and refer to as you leave the house on your next run). Head torch - essential. The most powerful possible, and get used to wearing it as a very trendy necklace, every night until spring. Acclimatise yourself by going outside as often as possible, and simply looking around at night with no lights at all. Your night vision will improve enormously WITH USE. Walk around your fab land without lights and you will be amazed how quickly your eyes and brain adjust back to their natural state eg no street lights, headlights, etc. Enjoy.

My village sounds the same as yours!
Re driving in the dark - the more you do it the better you'll be, also the advantage to narrow lanes in the dark is that you can see what (or rather, something) is coming by the headlights. But really, I would say an ability to drive confidently in all conditions is essential on isolated narrow country lanes. You could well have to back up a long way for a combine harvester, you could encounter spilt manure, standing water, ice or snow or even the local hunt galloping towards you! Practice is the only way.
I love the peace and quiet. I go shopping once a week and keep the freezer well stocked. Other than that I avoid shops altogether, it really is very much horses for courses. Iam not a runner, but there are loads of exercise classes in surrounding village's halls, and I go to two a week. Have a look at your local newsletter. Are you anywhere near Minchinhampton or Rodborough commons? Loads of places to run there. Also Cirencester Park.
It has been exceptionally wet this year. The roads (and my car) are filthy and all the footpaths are very wet, but it will get better eventually. As a pp mentioned, people run a lot in rural areas, but you just need to light yourself up well. Give it a chance for the 4 seasons at least. Spring and summer is wonderful.

Life is too short to be unhappy, I would hate it too, sounds dismal, does your partner know how you feel, could you move somewhere with more amenities?

I've been trying to do a bit more driving and get used to the roads but I'm still nowhere near confident enough. I am still gobsmacked how fast people drive on these roads

I am waiting till after Xmas to have a proper chat with Dp. He knows how I feel as he can see I'm not coping well but we have his kids and mine here this week so I'm focusing on them which helps. Eldest dd (20) wants to go shopping tomorrow so we're going out for the day which will be nice. She actually said to me, we were totally spoilt by where we lived in London (she now lives in Manchester) and it's only now she's away that she realised how lucky we were with the location and everything.

I didn't sell the house in London but it is rented out to a long term renter. But if the worst came to the worst, we could move back and I think it's knowing that that is keeping me going so that I give here a fair chance. I suspect it will cause a big issue between me and Dp because he is so happy here.

Thanks for all your tips. I have ordered a flashing armband for running and looked up some nearby parks which I hope will be less muddy! I need to drive to them all argh and nothing is closer than around 20 mins away but I have to get better at this or I am just not going to cope!

The OS maps app is great for finding new country walks - for full access you have to pay about £25 a year but it's worth every penny as it not only shows you every different scale of map, it shows you exactly where you are, so you can be sure you've not strayed from a right of way.

Of course there's no guarantee that a right of way in the map won't look like the bottom of a stream on the ground, but at least you'll be able to plan an alternate route....!

The “night blindness” issue, if not resolveable, is a deal breaker IMO, and you should move.

I moved from London to a remote island. We live in the most remote part of the remote island. For 4-6 months of the year the weather is so bad I'm often trapped in the house for days. Literally trapped, not just mud but -30 and sheet ice everywhere.

The first couple of years were REALLY hard. But now I wouldn't swap it for anything. I've bought a cross trainer for when i can't get out and a light box to combat the SAD and take vitamin d. Winters are definitely the worst.

I wouldn't swap it now for anything, give yourself some more time, a huge change will never be plain sailing.

I agree with PP who are saying give it a year. See all the seasons. After that if you still feel awful, leave. You can consign it to your ‘Year in Provence’.

Op I really recommend the park runs too. There will be one in your area and it will be daylight so easy to drive to. They start at nine on a Saturday morning and it's a great way for you to meet like-minded people. I'm not a runner but know loads of people that do it and have even braved it once myself. You will learn to love inhaling clean fresh country air

I think the best way to think about it (perhaps before the expense of moving again) is that in the countryside you need to be more in tune with the natural seasons.

In a City it doesn't really matter so much but living rurally it does. So think about how to make the best of the various seasons.

In winter this involves:

• Going for bracing country walks on crisp days
• Poring over gardening catalogues and magazines with a hot drink planning your garden for the next season
• Doing crafts or reading a book while listening to the rain hit the windows
• Having roaring fires going and hot chocolate watching films
• Lovely long pub lunches at pubs with roaring fires going
• Spending afternoons going to local national trust properties or the closest market town or farmers market
• Also spending afternoons baking or making really good food from scratch
• Finding things like a local book group or making local friends to meet at a country pub.

These are typical rural winter activities due to the mud, etc. Different activities are part of life during Spring, Summer and Autumn.

I guess the question is whether that sounds good to you?

You really need to move with the seasons in the country and be much more in tune with nature and adapt your activities accordingly...

Thanks all. I'm trying so hard not to be negative but now that I'm here, I just don't think I'm the right type of person. I think the biggest problem for me is spontaneity. Here, everything has to be planned. I can't just walk out my door and do things. I just googled the park runs and my nearest 2 are in 2 big towns/cities where I'd have to drive and then plan where to park etc (with huge warnings about how hard parking can be and please use public transport which I can't as there isn't any etc!) and I know that would put me off going.

Tomorrow's trip to town is having to be planned with precision because we only have one car and need to all be ready to go and come back at the same time. I know this may sound odd but where we were before, if someone wanted to leave early they did etc as we had buses back home. I guess we could get a taxi but it makes sense if we all go together and come back together.

It's a different mindset and maybe I will get used to it. But tbh at the moment, it's making me feel quite ill. Dd just said to me it's lovely for a visit but she could never live here because she's a true city person and I fear I am the same.

What's blindingly obvious though is Dp is as happy as Larry and this isn't going to be resolved easily. Thanks for all your tips though - I am going to make an effort for everyone's sakes.

I have recently moved to the outskirts of a small village- but we do have pubs, a shop and a post office. It is so muddy now, I look at my old clothes and realise I will never wear my heels again, or nice dresses in winter. I've bought 3 new pairs of variations on the waterproof theme. For Christmas I got a big waterproof puffa coat!

I think I you need to give it a year. I've been here nearly a year now and the turn of the seasons is much more pronounced, more nuanced, in the country. From February on will totally make up for the mud bath!

I was commuting back to Lindon once a week and found the travelling hard every week- though my journey to London is 6 hours door to door on the train.

Is there nothing you can do about the commute? Could you earn money in another way and maybe cut down on work? We are putting a shepherds hut to rent on Air BnB in our garden so I can cut work right down.

I do miss my friends, but on balance moving here was the best thing I've ever done.

You will get used to the driving on narrow roads, and ensuring you don't drive in the dark too often.

Give it a year at least.

WRT the Park Run parking - if Cheltenham is one of the towns you're looking at, I know it has warnings about car parks, but even at Pitville Park on glorious summer weekends, with the playground is so full you can barely swing a toddler, parking is not a challenge. The centre of town generally isn't an issue for parking at all, in my experience (which is admittedly not extensive, as I only go there every couple of months, but always at weekends. Always park easily.)

I agree that you will find it different at other times of the year.

I lived in a place similar to yours with no pavement and no streetlights and it wasn’t safe to walk anywhere because of the speed of the traffic.

The nighttime driving wasn’t a major problem (I don’t like driving on unlit roads either) as I had small children and rarely went out in the evenings anyway.

I did feel isolated when I became a single parent as we all had to get in the car to do anything and you couldn’t pop out for milk or bread. Everything was a major expedition.

Now I live somewhere else and I miss it! I would give it a bit longer but I suppose it does depend on your lifestyle.

You’ve compromised hugely to move near to his DC and commute, which is exhausting. He should have compromised on the property, and still should if you feel similarly in a few months time.

I think you’re teasing people and rather exaggerating the misconceptions of rural living.
I say that living in a tiny village with no buses, no shop, no pub, nothing. We have grass down the middle of the road.
Yesterday we had 70 for drinks. It was planned for catering reasons but I’d plan that in a city. Most women under about 65 were in heels. Some in very sparkly heels. They wore sparkly dresses and carried clutch bags not rucksacks. We drink champagne and eat canapés- just as you would in a city. We had a few people turn up unexpectedly but that’s nice.
We don’t go without food and simply remember to order milk or collect on the way home from the station.
Driving is easier at night on country roads. You can see oncoming traffic we’ll ahead.

If there’s no pavement- we don’t have - then on the whole there’s not much traffic. Children get freedom at an earlier age.
My husband runs ten miles a day off road using footpaths and bridleways. Much better on joints than road running as the ground is usually softer. Plenty of more sociable activities if you want them.
Sometimes we even ring neighbours/friends from the train and suggest a takeaway that evening (usually Friday). Friend orders and then the men usually collect whilst we lay the table and pour drinks. It is fairly spontaneous but I suppose we do agree the order in advance.

I was in a similar situation, but less extreme.

We had to buy another car. DH was happy as Larry, as the house was lovely. For financial reasons he agreed to sell after a year and it took another year for someone to offer what DH would accept.

I'm not sure I would have ever been happy living so far away from what I consider civilisation. I just wasn't happy there.

@SolarSue
Saucony peregrines are excellent running shoes for mud.

But yes this is a huge lifestyle change. You need to talk to your DP about what aspects of the move make him happy and what make you happy/unhappy and look for a compromise - perhaps a market town/small city?

DH finds rural roads easier with his satnav so he's able to anticipate sudden bends.

Can't be very encouraging, mind. We spent far too long living in a large village and I was so glad to get back into a small city with good public transport and amenities.

That is tough I’d feel the same I think. Good to hear you still have your house in London that should settle the panic a bit. See how you go for a bit longer through summer.

Op it is hard when your mind is set on what you used to have. I suppose I would ask why you agreed to it in the first place? What were your motivations to move? What did you want from living in the country? At the minute it all feels insurmountable but it is all achievable and you can make a wonderful life there if you really want to. The park runs are not hard to get to and the fact that locals use public transport means you will be able to park. The organisation is no different because as you say you can still get a taxi home if you choose to. It's dark and gloomy right now but I'm a month the bluebells and snowdrops start to appear and the days warm up. You will step outside sometime in Feb or March and feel spring like you can't in the city. You will just sense it starting. It is beautiful and made all the better for the gloom of winter you just survived. Give it a year and give it some effort and I bet you will reap the rewards.