What do introvert workaholic men do in retirement?

Covidasaurus · 2020-11-10T08:33:26+00:00

My DH could retire in five years but I am terrified of him becoming totally insular and not leaving the sofa and having no interests. He’s always been a workaholic and is also very shy. He has a small number of friends but sees them rarely. He has no hobbies. What on earth do such men do at retirement? He has no ideas other than watching tv. I’m worried I’m going to suddenly be married to my grandpa.

FortunesFave · 10/11/2020 09:02

Some decide to write a book or take up solitary hobbies such as mudlarking or metal detecting. What sort of TV does he like? Maybe he will be happy as he is....I'm introverted and all of my hobbies are solitary.

I'm happy as I am.

PersonaNonGarter · 10/11/2020 09:06

You are right to start addressing this now.

Does DH have any insight into this? What does he say? He might decide not to retire.

You can’t invent a hobby for him - he needs to find it. And it needs to be independent enough that he can keep some space.

thereinmadnesslies · 10/11/2020 09:11

I’m certain I will end up divorcing DH when he retires - he’s older so he will retire a good few years before I do. It will be unbearable to be working full time and doing all the wifework while he spends all day reading the paper and watching cricket on TV. I suspect he will take up golf again as well. He can’t cook and he’s pretty selective about other house chores. It’s going to be really difficult.

PickleWithEverything · 10/11/2020 09:20

Well, my FiL has done a lot of gardening and DIY but he was always very active keeping the house nice. Now it is immaculate. When he ran out of taskes there, he started helping relatives with their DIY tasks!

PIL have joined English Heritage and RHS and take trips to see family, and take very long holidays to cheap, sunny locations .

They borrow my Netflix account details and watch loads on TV.

In all honesty, if your partner is happy at home then the main thing is YOU keep up your interests and friendships. It will be very important for you, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it one little bit if you are out of the house doing things you enjoy - it will be good for both of you.

GnomeDePlume · 10/11/2020 09:23

See if he can get an allotment? Lots of shy, insular retired men on my field. It can be as expensive or inexpensive as you want it to be.

Within the bounds of not letting it become a weed garden it can be as little or as much work as you want.

Seasonal fruit, veg and flowers as an added bonus.

Original poster

Covidasaurus · 10/11/2020 09:25

@thereinmadnesslies That’s my worry, that our relationship will suffer (it’s great now!).

He says he will get a job in Tesco behind the tills. :/ And watch tv. I’m really not sure how serious he is.

His parents have done nothing at all in retirement, just Sky Sports. This would drive me mad!

He doesn’t do any DIY or gardening - these are all my jobs. All he’s done is work.

OP posts:

thereinmadnesslies · 10/11/2020 09:28

Haha @Covidasaurus my husband talks about getting a part time job in B&Q. He never had a student job in retail; I think he would hate it in reality.

thereinmadnesslies · 10/11/2020 09:30

I wonder if some of it is me - He’s crap at cooking so I mostly do it because I prefer the food I make. He might be better at cooking if I make him do it more, or teach him. Maybe he needs a cookery class as a retirement present.

AgeLikeWine · 10/11/2020 09:32

Does he actually want to retire? Many men who ‘live to work’ dread the prospect. Work defines them, and without it they are lost. Perhaps he could continue to work part-time?

Gardening / allotment, fishing, cycling, walking (get a dog?),or model making are all activities which can occupy significant amounts of time without requiring him to socialise.

JamminDoughnuts · 10/11/2020 09:35

can he take up baking?

ProudAuntie76 · 10/11/2020 09:38

From my own experience...they don’t retire

doctorhamster · 10/11/2020 09:44

I have a family friend who's one of these. He's self employed and a complete workaholic. He's mid seventies now and still working away, although he does take on fewer contracts than he used to. His wife is desperate for him to retire but I think he's too worried about being bored and unfulfilled.

JaJaDingDong · 10/11/2020 09:50

That's what worries me about my own retirement. I'm 60, so thinking about it in the next few years - but what will I do with my time, all day, every day?
At the moment I can see eternity looming before me, with nothing to fill my days other than the internet, my knitting, and walking.
TBH, retirement fills me with dread - I'll really miss the office banter and the social side of being in an office (I'm wfh during Covid, and can't wait to get back to the office).
I'd probably end up volunteering for a charity, to get me out of bed in the morning, and out of the house. But then I think that if I'm volunteering, I might as well be in paid employment.

MrsGrindah · 10/11/2020 09:50

Isn’t it up to him? If he wants to spend his days watching TV why isn’t he allowed to? I’m due to retire in less than 4 years and I’ve warned my husband there’ll be no “ getting a little” job or anything. I’m introvert and can’t wait until I don’t have to put up with annoying colleagues and bosses! I’m sitting on sofa reading books and magazines, going to the library, doing jigsaws, going to the theatre ( on my own if necessary ) and I’ve bloody earned it!

JamminDoughnuts · 10/11/2020 09:51

you could volunteer in a museum or a NT house?

JamminDoughnuts · 10/11/2020 09:52

@MrsGrindah

Isn’t it up to him? If he wants to spend his days watching TV why isn’t he allowed to? I’m due to retire in less than 4 years and I’ve warned my husband there’ll be no “ getting a little” job or anything. I’m introvert and can’t wait until I don’t have to put up with annoying colleagues and bosses! I’m sitting on sofa reading books and magazines, going to the library, doing jigsaws, going to the theatre ( on my own if necessary ) and I’ve bloody earned it!

i asked the same question op a few years ago

and all i remember from here was a load of posters saying It is up to him and to stop babying him!

i am following this thread to see if you are being treated kinder/ and to pick up tips also!

Burnthurst187 · 10/11/2020 09:57

I work with two such men. The answer to your question is that they get a p/t job

They can't not work, they don't know any difference and have no hobbies or interests so they work. They'll be carried out

thereinmadnesslies · 10/11/2020 09:58

Isn’t it up to him IF it doesn’t affect the OP? I think the problem is that the retired partner potentially becomes more dependent on the non-retired partner for social interaction; and/or the retired partner expects the non-retired partner to spend more time pottering at home to fit their lifestyle.

Sunbird24 · 10/11/2020 10:00

My dad was doing voluntary work driving people to dialysis appointments and so on until coronavirus meant all the over 70s volunteers had to stop doing it. Now he mostly does whatever my mum tells him to, provided he actually hears her...

Caramel81 · 10/11/2020 10:01

My dad is an extreme workaholic and has no other interests or hobbies. He’s close to retirement age and I dread to think what he will do with his time. I think he’d actually go quite insane if he wasn’t working all day every day. He’ll likely work until he drops even if it’s just his own research type work at home

PersonaNonGarter · 10/11/2020 10:01

OP, is the Tesco job realistic?

I think you have lots of communication issues here. Neither of you are talking about the impact of retirement on each other. It’s a massive thing.

Original poster

Covidasaurus · 10/11/2020 10:31

I think because he’s such a workaholic he sort of assumed he’d drop dead before retiring. He couldn’t work part time but could take on a non-exec type job in a similar industry.

He used to work behind the tills in Tesco as a young man and I think he genuinely would like to do that again!

And yes of course it’s up to him but as others have said, I don’t want to be his whole social world. He would become very boring quite rapidly!

OP posts:

Cashewrut · 02/12/2020 10:56

Why are you terrified of that? He might come to appreciate the slower pace of life or work his way up at a part time job! Or he could continue his job on a consultancy/non-exec capacity. Maybe he could mentor people in his industry. Have you thought that maybe he has no hobbies because he spent his whole life working in a particular, probably stressful environment so yearns for some mindless telly days?

He might make new buddies through work or volunteering and surprise you with new hobbies e.g. fishing, chess, reading, walking, golf, running a marathon, cycling etc. It's also acceptable to be a grandpa who watches the telly all day.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 02/12/2020 10:59

Parish council? Some are very competitive and politically affiliated, but some are desperate for councillors.

Agree on the suggestion of non-exec director/ board of governors for a local organisation.

PigsInHeaven · 02/12/2020 11:20

@JamminDoughnuts

can he take up baking?

I misread this as 'Can he take up acting?' and thought you were being a bit ambitious on his behalf.

Honestly, OP, I get why you're concerned, but I think this is something he needs to figure out for himself. Unfortunately, there are some people who have two modes, (a) work and (b) sofa-bound.

I watched a friend of mine who is only 50 turn from the former into the latter when he was furloughed during Covid. He literally browsed the internet all day and watched TV at night, and liked it. He's fairly newly divorced, and I realise now that the only times he (reluctantly) left the house, or even the sofa, when he was married (outside of work) were due to his wife trying to get him to engage with their children or the outside world.