’Ultimatum’ proposals / engagements - do they work out?

I don't think this thread is about these people

@PaintedEgg I was responding to this comment of yours. "I personally would find it kind of odd and suspicious that my partner would rather go through separate processes of sorting out the finances (with an added risk that some of it can be undermined) than to simply get married."

@CurlewKate in this case, yes, i simply do not understand going to such lengths to obtain all legal benefits of marriage without getting married. I can only imagine this may have something to do with status of being married or that they have legal reasons to avoid certain legalities that come with marriage

Once it got to the bin bag stage in my mind it was over. From my point of view we just wanted different things, there wasn’t any way to compromise, so I was ready to part ways. I assumed he felt the same and that would be that. Instead I think he was taken by surprise and hadn’t realised he’d run out of time. He knew it would happen eventually didn’t expect it yet.

So we ended up in an uneasy situation where I gave him an ultimatum that I’d never intended to give. Like everyone on this thread I didn’t imagine there was any way for an ultimatum to end well.

Obviously when he did propose I didn’t break down in tears overjoyed that he’d finally come round. We had a very sensible conversation about whether he really wanted this, whether this was a way to buy more time, and whether he actually intended to get married because I wasn’t up for a long engagement.

Afterwards we talked about it and he’d said that he found it impossible with the timing. To soon and it would look like he was only proposing in the aftermath of our argument, too late and it would look like he was only doing because he’d run out of time. So he’d concocted some elaborate scheme for somewhere in the middle and when it fell through he’d had to replan his romantic proposal. Then he’d settled on my birthday. I on the other hand had realised that my birthday fell two days after the deadline and I wasn’t ending it again to have him pleading another chance because he really was going to propose on my birthday. Hence the reminder that it was a firm deadline, and his hurried proposal.

Once we were engaged he did most of the wedding planning and organising. There never was an ongoing feeling that he was being pushed into it else I wouldn’t have married him.

karmakameleon : but you still had to bend his arm. It wasn’t a decision made totally of his own free will and that wound always be at the back of my mind.

IMHO marriage, like kids, is one of those things that you have to be a 100% certain you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. And not something you have to cajole or corner somebody over. Just my opinion.

I would never have given an outright ultimatum. But I had a date in my mind and if he'd not proposed by then, I would've been off.

We'd spoken about getting married (I didn't want to buy a house with him/move in with him without marriage) but I wasn't prepared to have a long engagement or anything like that. However, I think he could tell that it was marriage or I'd have been off, because he knows me.

I am currently divorcing someone who I don't think really wanted to marry me! We lived together several years and were happy commitment free really but were at the age where everyone was getting married and having babies.

Then he wanted me to move abroad with him for his work. I said I felt vulnerable moving abroad/starting a family without us being married. In the end, we had fertility issues too so none of it worked out the way I'd thought. I also realise now it was really a relationship of convenience and after a previous abusive relationship, I was desperate for safety and stability. I can also see that I didn't think true happiness/head over heels love was possible for me (or really existed?!) and so just wanted to be "sensible" because of awful experiences previously.

Very sad really! (Have had therapy and now find it hard to picture myself having as little self respect as I think I did then. But you can't change the past 🤷‍♀️)

Dh and I were friends before we started dating, I told him pretty much straight away from when we got together ( I asked him out) that I wanted to marry him but didn't give an ultimatum, he agreed with me

I think it's important from the off that you tell them what you would like out of the relationship rather than years down the line still be wondering and waiting

To add we were engaged after 10 months and married a year later

Just to be clear I wasn’t “cajoling” or “cornering” him. I was clear what I wanted and what my boundaries were. If anyone was begging, it was him. He has/had free will and always knew where the door was.

My situation wasn’t actually that different from Dacadactyl. I didn’t intend to give an ultimatum but I had in my head a deadline.

But you did give him an ultimatum.

I guess (like other posters) I had a timeline in my head. That wasn’t clearly communicated to him because that would be an ultimatum and we’re all agreed on this thread that ultimatums are bad and never end well. When he breached the unspoken deadline, he asked for time because although he knew there was a deadline, he had had absolutely no idea when it was. So this time he was given a deadline that was communicated, which he worked to.

Obviously we all know that good relationships are built on clear communication but in this area it seems communication should be a bit blurry else you’re forcing them down the aisle.

My husband and I had been together 8 years before we got married. We waited until we felt ready, more so financially. It wasn't a question on whether we were ready to marry each other, it was more so that we wanted to be in a phase in our lives that meant we had set ourselves up with our finances. We could then splash out on a wonderful wedding and really enjoy that next phase of our lives together. I'm sure that's not always the case but it was the case for us.

I think delaying / speeding up the process because of finances / legal situation is different. The intention is clearly there, how and when can always be agreed separately and subject to whatever else is going on in people's lives.

I just wouldn't want to be in a position of having to tell someone "we either do this or we split", if they wanted to be with me they'd have asked

my ex has asked me few times (three times to be exact) to marry him before I finally agreed and it was definitely giving into pressure...not even being faced with an ultimatum, just getting worn down by everyone who kept asking "when".

All I can say is that I would simply never want to be in HIS position, asking someone to marry you and this person being negative or indifferent towards the idea.

I did with my now DH.

We had been together a couple of years and had been living together for about 6 months. DH said that he wanted to spend his life with me but wasn't bothered about marriage.

I made it clear that I wanted children and wanted to marry before having children rather than just live with someone.

I told him to have a think about it, no rush, but if he didn't want to marry me I would leave. I gave a date around Easter for a decision.

He proposed on New Year's Day and we are coming up to our 25th wedding anniversary.

Why is finances or visas any different from “just because I want it”? I had spent my twenties with this man but he wanted something different from our relationship than I did, I most definitely didn’t want to find out ten years later when I’d given up my thirties too. I had my own goals (career, travel, maybe marriage and children with someone else). I was willing to compromise them if he wanted to marry me, but if he didn’t I wanted to get on with my own life.

But if he wanted

I made it very clear to my partner from the start that I was completely, irrevocably committed but I would never get married.

Which is absolutely fine. No one has to get married and I doubt I’d ever marry again if I was widowed or divorced. What wouldn’t be fine is saying you want to marry, delaying indefinitely and never marrying your partner who does want to marry you. Many many men do that and I wasn’t keen for that to happen to me.

@karmakameleon oh, absolutely, I agree. But I do get frustrated by the suggestion that marriage automatically suggests more commitment or security. Men who string women along are arseholes-and will be arseholes in other ways. And they won't stop being arseholes if they get married. The question should be "Do I want to be with this arsehole?" not "How can I get this arsehole to marry me?"

I've been with my partner for 16 years, we have a 15 year old kid together.

We're not married and I don't know if I'll ever be "ready" to marry her. She makes spectacularly bad financial decisions and I don't want to tie my finances to her. Remove that barrier and we'd be married.

in this scenario it's two people who want to get married and the timing gets decided based on circumstances vs. one person who wants to get married and one person who needs to be blackmailed to get married

That being said - I'd just have a conversation about plans for future and if my partner said they were not keen on marriage I'd leave, not try and change their mind

That being said - I'd just have a conversation about plans for future and if my partner said they were not keen on marriage I'd leave, not try and change their mind

But that’s what I did do, leave him. I didn’t try to change his mind. He asked me to change mine!

I know 2 women who have given an ultimatum over marriage and it's worked out (>10 years married for both of them).

Both of them are very strong characters who definitely wore the trousers in every other aspect of their relationships so clearly their then boyfriends were used to being led through life and not ~being allowed to~ making decisions. Why would the decision of getting married be any different? One said "I want you to propose by Christmas or I'm leaving you" and the other said v similar.

sorry, I wasn't referring to your situation in particular. Few other people said they literally said "propose or I'm leaving". I'd leave and not come back, but that's due to my personal experience and attitude - and possibly my attitude here too is not the best