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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please give my head a wobble

41 replies

Iamridiculous · 11/07/2023 18:52

NC but long term poster. Don't want linked to my normally 'strong, independent woman' posts.

My DP is away is away on business. Happens about once a month, normally just a cheapish hotel near whatever city he's in. This twice annual 'business' trip is in a gorgeous stately home where they do 'team building', but really just an excuse to get drunk and play golf.

I don't know why but I'm really anxious about it. So many stories on here about people having work affairs. Think it's partly down to me feeling rubbish about how I look as I've put on weight and he looked amazing when he left.

I feel so insecure and have already asked him who will be there so I'm trying to stop myself acting even more psychotic. He's just had a promotion whereas whereas I'm bottom of the career ladder because I've been bringing up the children.

I know you can't stop someone cheating. Early in our relationship when we argued he messaged other women. We worked through that and I honestly have no reason to doubt him now, it's plain insecurity because I've not been looking after myself.

Please help me give my head a wobble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 11/07/2023 18:59

Very poor taste of title, sorry.

@MNHQ could you please change title to 'please give my head a wobble'?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 11/07/2023 20:13

Bump

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 11/07/2023 22:53

.

OP posts:
ghostbusters · 11/07/2023 23:37

Can you do something to give yourself a little boost? Nice bath, face mask, watch a TV show or have a glass of wine /cup of tea? Try and take your mind off him and focus on you.

He's given you no reason to suspect he cheating. I've read all the horror stories here too. My DH has recently got back from a week long business trip, the longest he's been away in years. I know where in the UK he was but no idea who he was working or interacting with, where he was staying or if there were loads of women, or just men etc. I trust him. Not all men are scumbags.

omgsally · 11/07/2023 23:41

How did you find out about him messaging other women?

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 12/07/2023 10:41

@ghostbusters thank you. I don't know what has gotten into me! I'm normally so chill. I feel a bit better today. He called me last night sounding very drunk but was back in his hotel room.

@omgsally I looked at his phone. Again, something I don't normally do but he had been a way for a few days after we'd had an argument and something told me to look. Everything was deleted barring his blocked messages (Android so you can still see messages from numbers you have blocked if you specifically go into the folder). Three women, all people he'd dated before. So basically he'd messaged them then blocked them after presumably realising what a shit he was being. It took me a while to get past that.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 12/07/2023 10:48

Team building didn't need to be in scare quotes. It is A Thing and if a company wants to pay for it, good for them.

If you generally trust your partner it should be no issue.
If your partner doesn't give off suspicious vibes? No issue.
If you ate just mistrustful? Work on it

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 12/07/2023 10:58

Brefugee · 12/07/2023 10:48

Team building didn't need to be in scare quotes. It is A Thing and if a company wants to pay for it, good for them.

If you generally trust your partner it should be no issue.
If your partner doesn't give off suspicious vibes? No issue.
If you ate just mistrustful? Work on it

Thank you. Yeah I know it's a thing, they do a few hours of that then basically have a piss up! Colleague's from all over UK at same level meet there.

It's definitely a me problem. Not helped by the previous texting and him telling me about a few married colleagues having too much to drink and ending up in bed together.

Think it's just how I'm feeling about myself.

OP posts:
MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 12/07/2023 11:01

All done for you OP, @Iamridiculous 😊

80s · 12/07/2023 11:11

If he had an affair there'd be nothing you could do about it. Worrying would definitely have no effect :)

You're at the bottom of the career ladder because you and your dh made a choice about childcare, not because you are a loser.

You're also not the only woman on earth to be heavier after having children and spending years walking round at a toddler's pace.

When do you think you'll be able to start doing something for you again?

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 12/07/2023 11:25

ImaniMumsnet · 12/07/2023 11:01

All done for you OP, @Iamridiculous 😊

Thank you!

OP posts:
3BSHKATS · 12/07/2023 11:29

Honestly, my ex-husband cheated when I looked as hot as hot can be. like genuinely I was modelling at the time and he fucked somebody who look like his mother basin haircut, big round fatty. I honestly don’t think affairs and cheating works the way we think it does.

3BSHKATS · 12/07/2023 11:30

Although a side of everything else, the one thing I learnt as I will never let my career slide again for a relationship

Summer2424 · 12/07/2023 11:31

Hi @Iamridiculous spend this time getting fabulous 💃 working out, juicing some veg drinks, listening to some music. Please don't spend this time worrying just focus on you xx ❤

TheoTheopolis23 · 12/07/2023 11:32

big round fatty.

Aren't you charming.

You should save your criticism for the cheater.

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 12/07/2023 11:32

80s · 12/07/2023 11:11

If he had an affair there'd be nothing you could do about it. Worrying would definitely have no effect :)

You're at the bottom of the career ladder because you and your dh made a choice about childcare, not because you are a loser.

You're also not the only woman on earth to be heavier after having children and spending years walking round at a toddler's pace.

When do you think you'll be able to start doing something for you again?

Oh I know, I keep telling myself that. I just remember the sick feeling when I read those messages.

Kids are getting older so I have been looking into going back to work and have realised I'm completely out of touch and my options are limited. So I think that's not helping the way I am feeling because his career is soaring. He didn't used to have to go away but now it's very regular for meetings and this team building.

I think I just need to start looking after myself and get my confidence back. I hate feeling like this needy person! I have never been a jealous person, even after that stuff I still didn't check up on him or anything. Took me a while to forgive but I didn't worry anything else was going on, as naive as that may sound!

OP posts:
27penny · 12/07/2023 11:36

TheoTheopolis23 · 12/07/2023 11:32

big round fatty.

Aren't you charming.

You should save your criticism for the cheater.

Sounds like he realised character is more important than looks.... 🫣

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 12/07/2023 11:37

@3BSHKATS well, that's the thing. Don;t want to generalise but I feel a lot of men would stick it anywhere if they could get away with it. He told me once (after I asked) that he could have sex without emotion easily. I on the other hand need to have an emotional connection and it takes me a while to feel comfotable with someone in that way.

@Summer2424 thank you so much x

OP posts:
80s · 12/07/2023 11:38

Maybe do some retraining? Make the most of his increased income to raise the amount you might potentially make? He's benefited from your free childcare and the opportunity it's given him to improve his career. Now you could make the most of what he can offer you. Even if he is totally faithful, it's always worth factoring in the possibility that you might not stay with him and be able to use what he offers forever 😬

sodthesodoff · 12/07/2023 11:38

Ah I feel for you. Here for a gentle head wobble!

You don't have any real suspicions. As you say it's probably more a reflection on how you're feeling about yourself

That's really positive you can see that.

Use this time to plan your uprising (in a non war sense...!)

Plot out some baby steps to make you feel better about how you look, what you eat, some exercise, career plan. And don't forget some nice pampering whatever makes you feel good.

Don't feel bad. See this as a positive step to reclaiming the old you Flowers

3BSHKATS · 12/07/2023 13:05

27penny · 12/07/2023 11:36

Sounds like he realised character is more important than looks.... 🫣

Show quote history

More like she couldn’t afford to be fussy so took the crumbs offered ☺️

babypleasenow · 12/07/2023 13:15

Please talk to him about how you're feeling! You do not realise how a little bit of reassurance from your OH can take a weight of your shoulders. It's so underrated. Sometimes a hug, kiss and some kind words from them makes you feel a whole world of different. X

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 12/07/2023 13:40

babypleasenow · 12/07/2023 13:15

Please talk to him about how you're feeling! You do not realise how a little bit of reassurance from your OH can take a weight of your shoulders. It's so underrated. Sometimes a hug, kiss and some kind words from them makes you feel a whole world of different. X

Thank you so much.

I've told him. He seemed slightly irritated I was thinking like that but said I've nothing to worry about and he loves me just as a I am, so if I want to make any changes to do it only for me. So I feel a bit better. He'll be home late tomorrow night. He's in London and I'm in Scotland so just feels so far away!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment when I'm just as my username says 😅

OP posts:
omgsally · 12/07/2023 15:09

My very best advice to you is this. Forget about him and his messaging and his away days and soaring career and think about yourself. Put yourself front and centre. Your worth is not measured by your income currently. If you had to employ a full time nanny and a part time housekeeper (which is what you've been essentially), you'd be looking at £50k ish. That is the monetary value you've brought to your lives. So from today, stop feeling like shit and start valuing yourself. Plan things for you. Not to prove anything to him but for your own self worth. Plan a weekend away for yourself. Figure out if you want to train for a new career. Join a gym and make a regular commitment to yourself. Make him step up and be an equal parent, soaring career or not.

Artycrafts · 12/07/2023 15:13

3BSHKATS · 12/07/2023 11:29

Honestly, my ex-husband cheated when I looked as hot as hot can be. like genuinely I was modelling at the time and he fucked somebody who look like his mother basin haircut, big round fatty. I honestly don’t think affairs and cheating works the way we think it does.

🙄

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