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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please give my head a wobble

41 replies

Iamridiculous · 11/07/2023 18:52

NC but long term poster. Don't want linked to my normally 'strong, independent woman' posts.

My DP is away is away on business. Happens about once a month, normally just a cheapish hotel near whatever city he's in. This twice annual 'business' trip is in a gorgeous stately home where they do 'team building', but really just an excuse to get drunk and play golf.

I don't know why but I'm really anxious about it. So many stories on here about people having work affairs. Think it's partly down to me feeling rubbish about how I look as I've put on weight and he looked amazing when he left.

I feel so insecure and have already asked him who will be there so I'm trying to stop myself acting even more psychotic. He's just had a promotion whereas whereas I'm bottom of the career ladder because I've been bringing up the children.

I know you can't stop someone cheating. Early in our relationship when we argued he messaged other women. We worked through that and I honestly have no reason to doubt him now, it's plain insecurity because I've not been looking after myself.

Please help me give my head a wobble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 12/07/2023 16:28

omgsally · 12/07/2023 15:09

My very best advice to you is this. Forget about him and his messaging and his away days and soaring career and think about yourself. Put yourself front and centre. Your worth is not measured by your income currently. If you had to employ a full time nanny and a part time housekeeper (which is what you've been essentially), you'd be looking at £50k ish. That is the monetary value you've brought to your lives. So from today, stop feeling like shit and start valuing yourself. Plan things for you. Not to prove anything to him but for your own self worth. Plan a weekend away for yourself. Figure out if you want to train for a new career. Join a gym and make a regular commitment to yourself. Make him step up and be an equal parent, soaring career or not.

Thank you! That is great advice.

You just get used to only being 'Mum' (which I'm very grateful for) and staying at home. I feel trapped and want back into the 'real world'. My life revolves around being at home and children's activities.

OP posts:
SaccharineDream · 12/07/2023 16:31

Maybe too much reading on MN about faithless husbands has an effect. Im being serious, when we consume a topic for whatever reason it tends to stick in our heads. The tentacles creep in.

The reference to being a 'strong woman' made me wonder about this, because if you are generally supportive of others and support independence, etc, you may often read topics that include domestic abuse, adultery and related issues. Of course this is not a c criticism, but if there is no 'fire' at home, then the 'smoke' is coming from somewhere else, and that might very well be the experiences of other women.

Reading about such things over a period of time DOES hone our attention. It places a lot of focus on the negative aspects of relationships, which will make you more alert and anxious.

This doesn't mean we have to bow out, but to be mindful of those effects. It pays to be one step ahead of ourselves, not just our potential abusers.

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 12/07/2023 16:39

SaccharineDream · 12/07/2023 16:31

Maybe too much reading on MN about faithless husbands has an effect. Im being serious, when we consume a topic for whatever reason it tends to stick in our heads. The tentacles creep in.

The reference to being a 'strong woman' made me wonder about this, because if you are generally supportive of others and support independence, etc, you may often read topics that include domestic abuse, adultery and related issues. Of course this is not a c criticism, but if there is no 'fire' at home, then the 'smoke' is coming from somewhere else, and that might very well be the experiences of other women.

Reading about such things over a period of time DOES hone our attention. It places a lot of focus on the negative aspects of relationships, which will make you more alert and anxious.

This doesn't mean we have to bow out, but to be mindful of those effects. It pays to be one step ahead of ourselves, not just our potential abusers.

You're absolutely right. I spend a lot of time on the relationship board because I hope I can be helpful (previous domestic abuse and cheating), but it does really stick in your head because people post due to bad experiences so it seems like there are just problems everywhere. The amount of times I have read 'I would never have expected it' when a DH cheats. But I already know he's broken my trust in the past so I think sometimes I'm just waiting for it. If others perfect partners cheat then surely mine will after already messaging people? If that makes sense!

Thank you for taking the time to comment, it's been very helpful.

OP posts:
omgsally · 12/07/2023 16:40

Iamridiculous · 12/07/2023 16:28

Thank you! That is great advice.

You just get used to only being 'Mum' (which I'm very grateful for) and staying at home. I feel trapped and want back into the 'real world'. My life revolves around being at home and children's activities.

Show quote history

And 'mum' isn't typically a role that has value. People take it for granted but like I said, it's around £50k of labour a year. Start valuing what you've been contributing so far, quietly demand respect and at the same time, take immediate steps to get back in to the paid workforce. If he turns out to be a good and faithful partner, then great but if he turns out to be a continuing cheat, then you'll be much better placed to go it alone.

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 02:25

So he spat in my face tonight. Barged through my back door and smashed a glass. Please someone tell me I deserve better. I'm in absolute bits and have reported him but he'll lose his job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 02:30

Actually want to thank the officer on the phone. He was lovely.

OP posts:
bladebladebla1 · 23/07/2023 04:18

What the hell???

Weatherwax13 · 23/07/2023 04:34

@Iamridiculous are you safe? Can you call anyone to come be with you?
I'm so very sorry this is happening to you.
Utter bastard.

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2023 10:30

3BSHKATS · 12/07/2023 13:05

More like she couldn’t afford to be fussy so took the crumbs offered ☺️

Show quote history

What a sad point of view. I'm amazed people with this attitude exist. I wonder why he cheated on you.

Op, get rid of this nasty cunt.

3BSHKATS · 23/07/2023 11:00

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2023 10:30

What a sad point of view. I'm amazed people with this attitude exist. I wonder why he cheated on you.

Op, get rid of this nasty cunt.

Show quote history

How are you the type that fucks married man are you? Is that all you can get as well?

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2023 11:22

3BSHKATS · 23/07/2023 11:00

How are you the type that fucks married man are you? Is that all you can get as well?

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YOU FUCKING WHAT?!

3BSHKATS · 23/07/2023 11:42

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2023 11:22

YOU FUCKING WHAT?!

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Touched a nerve ?

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2023 11:43

3BSHKATS · 23/07/2023 11:42

Touched a nerve ?

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Ha! Your immaturity simply shines through!

namechange998 · 23/07/2023 18:47

Are you safe now? You must be in shock. Who gives a fuck if he is sacked. He deserves it xx

BlastedPimples · 23/07/2023 19:35

@Iamridiculous what has been going on?

Are you safe?

Bloody hell. How frightening.

Starseeking · 23/07/2023 19:43

Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 02:25

So he spat in my face tonight. Barged through my back door and smashed a glass. Please someone tell me I deserve better. I'm in absolute bits and have reported him but he'll lose his job.

What on earth?!? I hope you are safe OP.

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