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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner messaging sex workers

88 replies

JennyStr · 09/05/2023 07:18

I met my partner 7 years ago, together for 3. We got engaged last year. I am totally devoted to him and we had out entire future planned. I trusted him 100% and never felt the need to snoop on his phone, until now. He had became very protective of his phone, would throw it down when I walked into the room and would spend long periods in the toilet with it and instantly be active on WhatsApp. He would quickly swipe away notifications if I was sitting close enough to be able to see them. So I went through his phone and found several numbers, some unsaved and some saved in his contacts as random letter combinations. I done some digging and found at least 6 were prostitutes. He refused to admit it and said it was from his past but recently I caught him red handed sending a WhatsApp message to a prostitute directly from a well known escort website

He swears he only sent a message and has never and would never go through with it, the fact that he searched her out and sent the message has broken me, regardless of whether or not he's actually slept with them. He's had several traumas over the 3 years we've been together and I've been right by his side the whole time sometimes to the detriment of my own mental healhy. If you don't take the above into account he is the perfect partner. Loving, patient, mild mannered, gentle, thoughtful, caring and our sex life is fantastic. I've always been very open to new things in that sense. I'm 100% honest with him, and have never lied to him about anything in the entire time we've been together. Our while future was planned, every aspect of our life is built around my partner and I. I absolutely adore this man and am totally devastated by this. I know that what he is doing and how it's made me feel is so wrong, and there is no excuse for this. You don't do this people who you love and you especially shouldn't lie to people who trust you. It's still very raw as only happened recently and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, I cannot believe this has happened and cannot understand why he could even bare to look me in the eye knowing this has been going on behind my back. I'm not even angry, I'm hurt, sad, lost, heartbroken. I'm 43 years of age and was abused severely for all of my adult life and my partner Is the polar opposite of my ex who put me through hell. I don't know what to do now, I only have him and when I feel rotten he's the only person who can make me feel better. It's difficult to turn to him for comfort when he's the one who caused this pain. He works hard, we both do, we support each other. He makes no demands of me, doesn't get angry about anything, he's understanding, caring, funny, and I feel so loved by him every moment of every day so to find this out has completely turned my entire life upside down and I don't even know how to start getting over this.
I guess what I'm asking is if anyone else has been this or similar? What did you decide to do? Did you leave? Did you give him another chance? Did it work out? Did he stop or do men who do this ever stop or do they just get better at hiding it. He doesn't go out drinking with friends, he spend every moment when he's not at work with me, makes effort to spend time with me and go places and do things. He's the very opposite of the kind of partner that ant woman would expect to be doing this. I feel so dirty and worthless and keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong that he's turning to this.

OP posts:
BathroomGirl · 15/07/2023 21:52

Hi, I just saw your post. Idk what you decided to do. I just wanted to say I’m 44. I get why you mentioned the age. You feel like you can’t keep dating etc. I went through similar. The well known free ads escort section was visited at least 4 times a week. Numbers saved. I had given birth to our daughter 5 weeks before I found this out. I left him. Im not living my life wondering what he’s doing and if I’ve got an STI. Also, my daughter would choose a man just like him. So we have gone. He was seeing trans escorts. Some actual females too. Mostly trans. So HIV was something we could’ve been exposed too. Me and my daughter. The betrayal is unforgivable. I always think maybe, if it was one time and he felt awful and I found out, that I could forgive in time but not what I found. Mine said he was only looking too. I think it’s what they all say. Or they’ll say it’s not full sex. Anything to make themselves look less bad. 44/45 is not old. I know how you feel but it’s not old!!!! My whole life was planned too. I’m devastated but I’m glad I left him. Big hugs

BathroomGirl · 15/07/2023 22:06

I have little support around me. Looking for some here. I left my OH 4 months ago. I was recovering from a caesarean section. 5 weeks postpartum and I found out he’d been seeing escorts. Mostly trans ones. The first day we took my daughter out he was rushing off to see one afterwards, I matched up dates and times. I knew he was rushing but he told me he had to pick up material for a job. He did that so often, looking back and I realise how often he did it. The search history and other info I had went back to beginning of February, my baby was born end of January. I’m just thankful I can’t see what he was doing when I was in the hospital. I’m already destroyed but that would finish me off! Has anyone been through this? I’m still struggling so much. I just feel like my life is over. I’m not the same person anymore. I have a good day sometimes but I’m very depressed. He expected me to forgive him. He went silent on me as a form of manipulation, he hasn’t given us any money for 4 months. He’s not attempted to talk or fix anything. I’ve told him he’s not seeing me or coming to my house because I will be crazy if I see him and idc, my only priority is to care for my baby and be calm
for her. F all the father has rights crap. This was abuse. All of it. Absolutely destroyed my mental health, breast milk dried up, my daughter screamed all day and night, after being happy and settled beforehand. It was terrible for both of us. Also, I’m scared of him being around her in case he hurts her in some way. The things he’s into are wild. I had no idea. Idk where the line is with him. I hope this makes sense!l

Original poster
JennyStr · 15/07/2023 23:15

Hi Thanks for this, I did finish it, immediately after writing this post. I had already decided what I was going to do, I think I just needed to vent as I'm not one for sharing my personal stuff with friends or family. I had to write it down and feel like I was telling someone, probably so that I could just get out. Also, reading unbiased opinions which actually validated my own feelings did help, even the harsh ones were helpful, helped me see things from a point of view that didn't have any emotional investment in the situation. I'm sorry for what you went through too, especially with a child involved, that must have been an absolute nightmare for you. I am however really glad that you were able to see past your love for him and put yourself and child first, that's not always easy. I wish you and your child the very best for the future. As for me, I'm not interested in dating or finding someone else, I'm having an absolute blast enjoying myself and reconnecting with old friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennyStr · 15/07/2023 23:23

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your situation is different from mine as I don't have children with the man I was with so I can only give an opinion based on my own experience and what you've told me. First of all, you're not different, you're the same loving caring mother you've always been, you've just been through a traumatic experience that has knocked you for six. You though about your child, and you thought about yourself and you left, this is the absolute strongest and bravest thing you could have done. It's easy to stay and see the best, or hope for the best, in someone you love, but ultimately you made the most difficult decision, and the best one if you ask me. Keep working on yourself, not only as a mother but as a person who has stood up to someone who disrespected you, that takes some balls!
It may not seem like it now, but one day soon you'll wake up and you'll realise that you don't love him any more, you don't hate him either, you'll end your day and realise that you actually haven't thought about him at all....that's the day you'll know that you're free of it. Stay strong

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 15/07/2023 23:40

You have definitely done the right thing, I know it's hard but you will be so glad you did.

Original poster
JennyStr · 15/07/2023 23:48

Glad this comment was deleted by mods before I got the chance to read it. Thank you for defending me in my absence

OP posts:
Original poster
JennyStr · 16/07/2023 00:02

No, he wasn't suffocated and neither was I. I was under the impression that this relationship was a lasting one. I have plenty of friends and a social life, he never did even before I met him. I actually held back an awful lot for the first half of the 3 years as I didn't want to jump into something extremely deep as my prior relationship was a medley of physical abuse and control. He was the one suggesting all of the planning, talking about marriage etc, I was extremely withdrawn in that way and always told him I was not the clingy type of partner that he was used to. I wasn't dependent on him for everything, I'm just a very private person and I've never been very into talking things through with my friends or family. I keep my private life to myself and also gave him space when he wanted it and tried many times to encourage him to have a social life outside of our relationship. It was him was adamant that he didn't want that and that he wanted to spend any spare time he had with me. This is why I was so blindsided, everything he said and done told me that he was perfect for me. This came out of the blue. However, when I posted this originally I was a hot mess of emotions and shock and anger and rage and hurt. I needed to vent and because I don't feel comfortable sharing my problems with anyone I posted here, mainly to get it off my chest. I always knew what i would do, there was never any chance that I was going to continue with the the relationship. I'm absolutely fine, I'm still hurt, and I am still grieving for what essentially is the loss of the man I love, but I know that i would never have felt the same way about our relationship and would never again be as deliriously happy as I was prior to this, and I'm just not willing to accept anything less than that. I know myself, and I know my own value and I've been doing really good actually. He, on the other hand, is a mess. While I feel bad that he has realised now that he has lost a great woman through his own stupidity, I will never go back.

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 16/07/2023 01:13

he hasn’t given us any money for 4 months.

Have you made a CM application against him?

SaulSobieski · 16/07/2023 01:15

I’m scared of him being around her in case he hurts her in some way.

Say you're breast feeding her whether to are or aren't, for as long as you can..

Speak to WA about your concerns.

Men like this rarely look after their own kids anyway. Unless they're desperate to get their CM reduced.

NCforThis3 · 16/07/2023 01:23

OP I’m posting this because I know you were/are feeling that his decision might be a reflection of you.

My friend was a sex worker when she was young and she used to have men talk about how much they “loved” their partners 5 minutes after sleeping with her. It is never really about the partner. Once they start, they are unlikely to stop and fundamentally it happens because the men view women akin to food. As far as they are concerned, they are treating themselves to something they fancy for that evening.

All over MN you see the same script when they’re caught. You’ll be better off without him

Original poster
JennyStr · 16/07/2023 02:36

Thank you, I did think this initially, it was one of many many things that went through my head when I was trying to find some kind of rhyme and reason for it to have happened. I think that's probably natural, questioning if there was something I done, or something I didn't do. This was just a process I had to go through I think, but as before, logic prevailed.

OP posts:
Nellienoodles · 19/07/2023 17:04

I need some advice, I’m 32 weeks pregnant. My partner has struggled with coke use in the past, it doesn’t happen week in week out but when it does happen it’s a big all nighter and ends up as a disaster. Unfortunately there has been instances where we has messaged women, including escorts whilst on it in the middle of the night. This hasn’t happened in a while because I have broken up with him before, but it’s crept up again and I went down his Apple Watch this morning due to having an awful night with him a few weeks ago and found about 5 messages to prostitutes from that night giving postcode, sending pictures etc.

I need some advice as at a loose end here, do I confront him, since that night he has reached out to a drug councillor but yet to have his call, I’m at a lost cause and have no idea what to do as I can’t confide in anyone.I’m pregnant and have no idea what to do, any help please.

SaulSobieski · 19/07/2023 17:08

Nellienoodles · 19/07/2023 17:04

I need some advice, I’m 32 weeks pregnant. My partner has struggled with coke use in the past, it doesn’t happen week in week out but when it does happen it’s a big all nighter and ends up as a disaster. Unfortunately there has been instances where we has messaged women, including escorts whilst on it in the middle of the night. This hasn’t happened in a while because I have broken up with him before, but it’s crept up again and I went down his Apple Watch this morning due to having an awful night with him a few weeks ago and found about 5 messages to prostitutes from that night giving postcode, sending pictures etc.

I need some advice as at a loose end here, do I confront him, since that night he has reached out to a drug councillor but yet to have his call, I’m at a lost cause and have no idea what to do as I can’t confide in anyone.I’m pregnant and have no idea what to do, any help please.

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