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Original poster

Partner messaging sex workers

88 replies

JennyStr · 09/05/2023 07:18

I met my partner 7 years ago, together for 3. We got engaged last year. I am totally devoted to him and we had out entire future planned. I trusted him 100% and never felt the need to snoop on his phone, until now. He had became very protective of his phone, would throw it down when I walked into the room and would spend long periods in the toilet with it and instantly be active on WhatsApp. He would quickly swipe away notifications if I was sitting close enough to be able to see them. So I went through his phone and found several numbers, some unsaved and some saved in his contacts as random letter combinations. I done some digging and found at least 6 were prostitutes. He refused to admit it and said it was from his past but recently I caught him red handed sending a WhatsApp message to a prostitute directly from a well known escort website

He swears he only sent a message and has never and would never go through with it, the fact that he searched her out and sent the message has broken me, regardless of whether or not he's actually slept with them. He's had several traumas over the 3 years we've been together and I've been right by his side the whole time sometimes to the detriment of my own mental healhy. If you don't take the above into account he is the perfect partner. Loving, patient, mild mannered, gentle, thoughtful, caring and our sex life is fantastic. I've always been very open to new things in that sense. I'm 100% honest with him, and have never lied to him about anything in the entire time we've been together. Our while future was planned, every aspect of our life is built around my partner and I. I absolutely adore this man and am totally devastated by this. I know that what he is doing and how it's made me feel is so wrong, and there is no excuse for this. You don't do this people who you love and you especially shouldn't lie to people who trust you. It's still very raw as only happened recently and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, I cannot believe this has happened and cannot understand why he could even bare to look me in the eye knowing this has been going on behind my back. I'm not even angry, I'm hurt, sad, lost, heartbroken. I'm 43 years of age and was abused severely for all of my adult life and my partner Is the polar opposite of my ex who put me through hell. I don't know what to do now, I only have him and when I feel rotten he's the only person who can make me feel better. It's difficult to turn to him for comfort when he's the one who caused this pain. He works hard, we both do, we support each other. He makes no demands of me, doesn't get angry about anything, he's understanding, caring, funny, and I feel so loved by him every moment of every day so to find this out has completely turned my entire life upside down and I don't even know how to start getting over this.
I guess what I'm asking is if anyone else has been this or similar? What did you decide to do? Did you leave? Did you give him another chance? Did it work out? Did he stop or do men who do this ever stop or do they just get better at hiding it. He doesn't go out drinking with friends, he spend every moment when he's not at work with me, makes effort to spend time with me and go places and do things. He's the very opposite of the kind of partner that ant woman would expect to be doing this. I feel so dirty and worthless and keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong that he's turning to this.

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 10/05/2023 21:36

*From reading UK punting reviews

SaulSobieski · 10/05/2023 21:41

The "cash is stashed" at the start of the punt with another prostitute or pimp - because the prostitute can't trust the punters to hand it over at the end or not to forcibly take it back

EarthSight · 10/05/2023 22:15

I'm really sorry OP. He obviously had a secret life and even if he was just messaging them, it means that you're partner is the type of guy that messages random women or prostitutes for thrills. When it comes to your sex life, some men are just not satisfied by a normal, good one. They're opportunistic, always looking for extra.

Itstimetoquit · 10/05/2023 22:39

How are you op x

justprance · 11/05/2023 05:37

What @SaulSobieski said.

Well done for standing up for yourself OP. It seems like he showed you his true colours.

Stay strong! Flowers

Original poster
JennyStr · 17/05/2023 11:45

Itstimetoquit · 10/05/2023 22:39

How are you op x

I'm OK thanks, keeping busy with work. Thank you for asking

OP posts:
Original poster
JennyStr · 22/05/2023 00:05

Thank you. It wasn't easy, I didn't sleep for days on trying to think of a reason because I couldn't bring myself to believe that he would do something like this, that he would be so willing to disrespect me. Logic prevailed

OP posts:
Lovestoned · 22/05/2023 13:26

@MumLass Be happy you didn’t read the messages. I did and can never unread them. Orders of what he wanted to do to her as if she were a piece of meat.

@Namechange479 Thank you. I left straight away and terribly missed my best friend and man I was so compatible with for years and years after. Mine “turned around at the door”. Always wondered, what if I just ignored and stayed. We are friends now. Maybe that is an option for you OP. He doesn’t have to leave your life, just protect yourself.

Original poster
JennyStr · 24/05/2023 16:01

I did read the message, it was basically a generic one from the website saying "hi I saw your profile on Envvy" and she had replied "hey" but there was nothing further

OP posts:
momtoboys · 24/05/2023 16:11

I'm sorry you are going through this. He is not a good man. If you let him get away with this the behavior will get worse. DO NOT marry this man!

Original poster
JennyStr · 24/05/2023 17:12

It's already over. I couldn't look at him, and didn't understand how he could look me in the eye. If I had done something that turned him into the mess that this made me I wouldn't have been able to live with myself, and I know I deserve the same level of care from a relationship. Anything less is unacceptable. Doesn't make it hurt any less.

OP posts:
Tim2983 · 24/05/2023 23:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tim2983 · 24/05/2023 23:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KCIII · 25/05/2023 06:20

@Tim2983

Shes already left him - and rightly so in my opinion. OP has stated what she finds unacceptable in a relationship.

you might COMMUNICATE with a potential rapist to understand whether they have a fetish you couldn’t satiate (wow - did you really type that) but most people have better boundaries. HE needed to communicate and consider a whole range of things before engaging with sex workers, so the onus is NOT on OP to do anything to salvage it.

I am disgusted by your comments.

MumLass · 25/05/2023 06:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

What?? Let me suggest some answers to your questions, in this order:

  1. That is irrelevant. A man who sleeps with prostitutes does not respect women. He sees them as something that can be 'purchased'.
  2. Why does that matter?
  3. See Q2
  4. Enough of the victim blaming. OP is not responsible for her husband going to sleep with prostitutes. What could SHE have done to prevent it? Not a bloody thing. Apart from realising sooner what a shit her husband is and not marrying him.
  5. She has alreayd, rightly, decided it is over.

You're a man aren't you? Only a man could write this ridiculous drivel suggesting that the poor DH needs his wife to listen to him and be more understanding of where SHE went wrong and in some way caused her DH to visit prostitutes.

SassyZozi · 17/06/2023 13:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Freefall212 · 17/06/2023 13:07

JennyStr · 09/05/2023 07:18

I met my partner 7 years ago, together for 3. We got engaged last year. I am totally devoted to him and we had out entire future planned. I trusted him 100% and never felt the need to snoop on his phone, until now. He had became very protective of his phone, would throw it down when I walked into the room and would spend long periods in the toilet with it and instantly be active on WhatsApp. He would quickly swipe away notifications if I was sitting close enough to be able to see them. So I went through his phone and found several numbers, some unsaved and some saved in his contacts as random letter combinations. I done some digging and found at least 6 were prostitutes. He refused to admit it and said it was from his past but recently I caught him red handed sending a WhatsApp message to a prostitute directly from a well known escort website

He swears he only sent a message and has never and would never go through with it, the fact that he searched her out and sent the message has broken me, regardless of whether or not he's actually slept with them. He's had several traumas over the 3 years we've been together and I've been right by his side the whole time sometimes to the detriment of my own mental healhy. If you don't take the above into account he is the perfect partner. Loving, patient, mild mannered, gentle, thoughtful, caring and our sex life is fantastic. I've always been very open to new things in that sense. I'm 100% honest with him, and have never lied to him about anything in the entire time we've been together. Our while future was planned, every aspect of our life is built around my partner and I. I absolutely adore this man and am totally devastated by this. I know that what he is doing and how it's made me feel is so wrong, and there is no excuse for this. You don't do this people who you love and you especially shouldn't lie to people who trust you. It's still very raw as only happened recently and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, I cannot believe this has happened and cannot understand why he could even bare to look me in the eye knowing this has been going on behind my back. I'm not even angry, I'm hurt, sad, lost, heartbroken. I'm 43 years of age and was abused severely for all of my adult life and my partner Is the polar opposite of my ex who put me through hell. I don't know what to do now, I only have him and when I feel rotten he's the only person who can make me feel better. It's difficult to turn to him for comfort when he's the one who caused this pain. He works hard, we both do, we support each other. He makes no demands of me, doesn't get angry about anything, he's understanding, caring, funny, and I feel so loved by him every moment of every day so to find this out has completely turned my entire life upside down and I don't even know how to start getting over this.
I guess what I'm asking is if anyone else has been this or similar? What did you decide to do? Did you leave? Did you give him another chance? Did it work out? Did he stop or do men who do this ever stop or do they just get better at hiding it. He doesn't go out drinking with friends, he spend every moment when he's not at work with me, makes effort to spend time with me and go places and do things. He's the very opposite of the kind of partner that ant woman would expect to be doing this. I feel so dirty and worthless and keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong that he's turning to this.

The relationship sounds incredibly suffocating and as though he had lost his identity. However he chose to cope with whatever was going on for him by contacting prostitutes. You have every right to be done and leave. HIs choices are his own.

Original poster
JennyStr · 17/06/2023 13:15

Freefall212 · 17/06/2023 13:07

The relationship sounds incredibly suffocating and as though he had lost his identity. However he chose to cope with whatever was going on for him by contacting prostitutes. You have every right to be done and leave. HIs choices are his own.

Show quote history

Yes I agree. I had known him for a long time before we were in a relationship, we were close friends and regardless of this I know that he is a good man at heart. However, these are issues that I can't be expected to, nor do I want to, have responsibility for "fixing". Trying to mend someone who is breaking you is not a healthy way to have a relationship of any kind, and so I do believe that I have done the right for myself by ending it. He is still in my life, and I do care about him but I lost all respect and a huge part of my love for him the very day I found this mess was going on. I've put myself behind a man for a long time before and walked away bruised and defeated, but stronger for it, but refuse to do that again. I really appreciate all the comments on this thread, even the harsh ones, they made me see things with fresh eyes and really I had to hear it to know I was right. I hope that he can grow and wish him happiness but it won't be with me.

OP posts:
Greytshakes · 17/06/2023 13:20

Good for you, OP. I have been in your shoes. Didn't leave when I first found out (I married him, like an idiot, believing he would never visit escorts again). Of course he did exactly that. Wasted 10 years of my life. Wishing you the best of luck. x

Itstimetoquit · 25/06/2023 08:38

How are you op x

SaulSobieski · 25/06/2023 12:34

*He makes no demands of me, doesn't get angry about anything, he's understanding, caring, funny, and I feel so loved by him every moment of every day

If you don't take the above into account he is the perfect partner. Loving, patient, mild mannered, gentle, thoughtful, caring and our sex life is fantastic.

He doesn't go out drinking with friends, he spend every moment when he's not at work with me, makes effort to spend time with me and go places and do things*

Sometimes people overcompensate when they know they're no good in other ways/under the surface .... If you get me.

Many women with men whom they found out were cheaters, sexual degenerates etc said they seemed amazing

SaulSobieski · 25/06/2023 12:36

Our while future was planned, every aspect of our life is built around my partner and I

While natural in one way, a bit codependent and unwise in another. We have to invest in things as well as partners, it's healthy

SaulSobieski · 25/06/2023 12:44

I feel so dirty and worthless and keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong that he's turning to this.

Why would you be dirty and worthless .... He's the one who's been contacting (at the absolute minimum) sex workers - who may or may not be fully consenting/independent in their work. In fact when you learn that the bulk of them are immigrants with poor English and gang-run, you know they're not). How the fk are you dirty or worthless; you've been faithful.

You're not doing anything wrong - why is it your fault? Why is it your problem?? It's his.

Men who want to have sex with more than one woman (while seeking and taking the benefits of a monogamous relationship with one woman, and "forgetting" to tell its not/no longer monogamous) are the way they are. They want that, they feel entitled to that, they give themselves permission to do that, and theyre ok with deceiving the woman they've let think they're monogamous with. That's all a out them - their integrity, their character, their morals.
You even said you have an active and adventurous sex life . .. not that that would be an excuse for cheating (you need to resolve it or leave of you're the position of being very dissatisfied with your sex life)but that's not even an issue. He just wants to shag more than one woman, but not be honest about it. He thinks hes entitled to have it slyly on the side; while you can stay in the dark and not have the same opportunities. ... but can provide all his other needs (steady, intimate, free sex, emotional support, life partner, care, sharing bills etc).

SaulSobieski · 25/06/2023 12:50

He is still in my life, and I do care about him

Mate, you're too soft.

However it's understandable after so long that you need time to detach.

Also, thinking he's a good person. Maybe he is in some ways ... The vast majority of people have some good sides, but if their bad sides are major like this .... Cheating (or trying to) on their long-term partner, and with prostitutes.. that kind of out weighs the good. They have a massive moral gap.

BestUseADifferentName · 25/06/2023 12:59

This happened to me. Well, he accidentally sent me a message he meant to send to one asking about her services.

He said exactly the same thing - that he was only messaging and didn't know if he would have been able to go through with it. He'd never done it before, it was the first time.

I bought it for that evening, because I wanted it to be true and didn't want to split up and change my life. I went to sleep then in the morning realised it was just complete nonsense. There was no way he'd just by coincidence sent it to me on the first time.

I made him show me his bank statements, and there were loads of incidents in the past year of him withdrawing large sums of money. He eventually admitted he'd been sleeping with them for three years.

We split up immediately. He wasn't the person I knew. The last three years of our life had been a complete lie. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach for about a year.

Life is 100% better now though! It took that to make me realise all the other things that were wrong.

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