Partner messaging sex workers

OP I was where you are 6 years ago. My husband was also my best friend and rock and I was completely blindsided. The only advice I can give you is to leave this man.
I stayed for 4 years. I was scared financially to go it alone, I loved him with everything and could not contemplate my life and our family without him in it.
he told me he was just looking and had never been. It was a one off and he was just curious.
i knew it was all lies but I tried to convince myself.
Nothing will be the same for you. The trust is gone, you will drive yourself mad looking for evidence. The relationship you thought you had isn’t real. I started to unconsciously emotionally detach from him and lost the respect I had. It felt like I was an actor in my own life.
2 years ago I stumbled on his Google account, which he didn’t know saved his history.
For years he had been searching escorts (I crossed referenced some dates and some were minutes after I had left the house to go for stays with relatives). He also had the disgusting UK punting site in there.
In that moment it was all over. He came home to find a bag packed and I told him I knew everything and to fuck off.
2 things that have been mentioned. It’s not the first time he’s done it - it’s the first time he’s got caught. And once a punter, always a punter.
I’m sorry this is a long post but I want you to know that I get how hard this is, but you really need to finish this now. Don’t stay like I did, you will never know a minutes peace.

I know exactly how you are feeling right now. It is a kind of bereavement, you’ve lost the person you thought he was. It literally feels like the rug has been pulled and you don’t know which way is up.
I wasn’t angry either, I was numb and terrified. I couldn’t take action as I felt helpless.
Someone commented on a thread at the time and I really helped me. They said that you don’t need to make a decision now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t choose to end it at any time.
I would obviously encourage you to end it this minute but I know your emotions will be all over the place and you are in complete shock, and probably paralysed with it.
whatever you decide right now (or if you can’t decide) please listen to one thing - don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He is desperately trying to cover his arse and any pity is for himself only.
men who buy sex have something wrong with them that can’t be fixed. It will always be who he is

Just saw your update to the pp saying you know what you need to do. I’m glad. Don’t let him talk you round with promises of your future, he’s blown that and it’s ALL on him.

Finish this now.
Then let yourself mourn and heal.
You are strong and this will not beat you.
X

OP you know what you need to do and you will be stronger for it, I promise. I have been through a similar shock this year. I have felt every emotion, from rage to bone-crushing despair. It is a bereavement, you are grieving what you thought you had and the future you had planned. In time you will accept that what you thought you had was never really there. If he can do this to you, then the love and respect you thought you had together did not truly exist.

Like you, I thought I had discovered something seedy a few months prior, he minimised it and gaslit me. Told me he wouldn't be dictated to, was entitled to his privacy blah blah. A couple of months later I caught him in the act. He couldn't deny it then, but he tried so bloody hard to get rid of the evidence. He physically wrestled his laptop out of my hands - I tried to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from him. He got it off me and deleted an entire email account. I saw the real him that night, and I will never forget it. The mask slipped and I saw the sordid, disgusting selfish pervert I had married and had children with. It made me ill but I'm getting better every day. You will too.

What makes me most sad now is I see a thread like this on here at least once a week, if not daily. WTF is wrong with men these men?

This would be a hard no from me. An added problem with this is that most prostituted women are not there by choice and want to leave, so he's using vulnerable women to pleasure himself. I couldn't get past that.

My dad used sex workers. I'm not sure if you have / planned children, but it's not what they would need in their lives.

Op I’m full of admiration for you. Keep posting for support

I know a similar man, very devoted to his wife but absolutely addicted to porn. It’s not about you, it’s his need for depravity that can only be fulfilled by going beyond his loving relationship.
As lovely as he is to you, you can’t stay- not least because he could pass on STDs to you. I would ask him to leave and only consider having him back if he’s been right through some sort of sex addiction programme.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!!!!

OP, I was with a man who seemed the same - very caring, loving and 'future husband material'. That was until I caught him sexting other men. He swore it was just a one off thing, that he was just curious, that he was bi, not gay and he'd cut it all out immediately. We even went to counselling together and as individuals and it limped on for another 2 years.

I later found out that he'd kept in touch with his sexting friends right throughout the counselling and all the many talks we had. In fact it had been going on for years but I guess he was afraid to come out and I provided a convenient cover. As others have said, often what you see is really only the tip of the iceberg.

Only you can know what is right for you to do but I would be extremely wary of believing the story that this was a one-off.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What you know will be the tip of the iceberg and I doubt you will ever get the transparency you need from him.

It’s very VERY hard when someone shows us who they are, to knock them off that pedestal we have them on, especially if we have never valued ourselves enough to have us up there too. We give them some bizarre ‘protector/saviour/hero’ status that they do not deserve.

You are collateral damage to his nasty dirty drives and you didn’t deserve any of it. He is not a safe partner for you, quite the opposite and you need to protect yourself and become your own hero.

I do understand you grieving this relationship of course that’s going to happen but you do need to move on. Try to think of what your future self is shouting to you. Listen to her.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I had something similar with my former partner - it wasn't sex workers, but women he'd met prior to our relationship on some online sex forum. He actually confessed to it, told me that he'd been messaging them when he was drunk. I was so shocked, I really don't think I ever properly got over it while we were together - he was one of the last people I would have expected to do this. I know everyone says that! The one person I wanted to turn to for support was him - the person who had upset me more than anyone else ever had. He was the first man I'd really loved and I think a little bit of me died in our relationship that day, even though I decided to forgive him - no matter how happy we seemed, I was constantly wondering 'who's he texting? who's that new person he's following on social media?' And I'm not at all some sort of controlling partner and I hated that he'd made me behave like that. He made all the right noises about stopping but it all seemed a bit half-arsed. He'd speak to a therapist...but the therapist was really expensive, so he just went to one session, where the therapist apparently told him he was acting out due to feelings of shame and coddled him. Right. He'd stop drinking...except when he was out with friends, because they might ask why and that would be awkward, and besides, he wouldn't have time to be on his phone when he was out. He'd do anything to make me feel better, more secure...except XYZ. I didn't tell anyone because I felt so ashamed, because I didn't want to embarrass him (really!), and because I didn't want people judging me for staying with him.

Not only did it really damage our relationship, it did an absolute number on my self-esteem which I'm only starting to get back now. The fact that this man who told me how much he loved me, had to be reminded by some random woman on Instagram that he had a girlfriend, the fact that everything he said was cheapened by what he had done - all I could think of was 'what's wrong with me? why can't I compete with these other women? what do they have that I don't?' I felt I had to over-compensate, be constantly vigilant - honestly, it was exhausting. I could never fully trust him afterwards and while there were times in our relationship that I was happy after that, I realise now that he didn't make me happy. In hindsight I should have ended the relationship when he told me he'd cheated.

Sorry for me-railing! Your post just struck so many chords with me. OP, you are worth 10000 of this man - truly. Anyone who wouldn't cringe in horror at the thought of having to pay someone to fuck them is a deeply damaged, disturbed individual. He may have good points too - but you shouldn't have to weigh them up to feel like you're being fair. He's not been fair to you - prioritise yourself, just like he prioritised himself when he was messaging escorts. You deserve so much better than this.

You’ve been really strong op; you’ll get through this and you’ll be fine. Be really really kind to yourself. I know you said you’re private but if you can confide in one good real life friend then that’ll help as well. Whatever makes you happy- chocolate, wine, cake don’t deny yourself any of it

he then went into a bad mood like my reaction to what he done to me was offensive and he was bored of it. I learned more about him last night than I have in the last 3 years.

Sounds like you saw his true self.

I'd be interested to know what his reaction would've been if the tables were turned, you were caught looking very much like you were cheating (or at the very east communicating wit other men).

Anyway, I find that abusers and double lifers are often extremely nice/good/wonderful because they're over compensating for how they are/what they're doing. Their victims will often be saying "but he's so good in every other way, he's the best partner" etc etc

Makes it even harder for their victims (and at some level they probably know and it's a strategy to make it harder for them to dump them, as well as overcompensation/guilty conscience).

How did his main life relationships break down? I'd put money on it being stuff like this. But their exes either don't know you to warn you, or know they'll be painted as crazy, jealous, bitter etc if they try to tell you.

Hi,

I'm going through a similar thing, however partner had a drunk one night stand, I feel as blindsided as you. It's awful. You're not alone, others are going through similar things. I know that doesn't make it better. Prostitutes I couldn't forgive, I've said I'll try to work through things with my partner as we have a daughter but I don't know whether I'll be able to, the trust has gone.

I'm going to therapy, I'm hoping it helps! Xx

@JennyStr well done, I know this must have been so hard for you.
they try and minimise and make you feel like you’ve blown something small out of proportion. You know you haven’t and, although it hurts like hell now, you have saved yourself from more pain in the long run.
I said upthread that I stayed for 4 years post discovery, those 4 years were fucking hard and my mental health has taken a battering from being on high alert all of the time. If I could change anything it would be to have finished it on day one.
so I know it’s awful now and will be for a while, but well done. I don’t know you but I am so proud of your strength

You don’t have to be on MN very long to know there isn’t a ‘type’ who uses sex workers.

My opinion is 99% of sex workers would choose any other job if they reasonably felt they had another option and that punters are therefore rapists. Just let that sit with you for a minute, it’s awful.

I listened to a BBC podcast a while ago, 3 guys all with different reasons for visiting sex workers. On the face of it decent guys yet as the interview evolved ALL of them said they knew the girl(s) didn’t really want sex with them and described certain events. When asked why they carried on, they couldn’t answer. One did it twice and stopped he was so ashamed. One is a serial punter into some nasty stuff who over decades has visited thousands of women, and the other has social issues. I thought I was going to be physically sick listening to it.

I’m really sorry and have no real advice. I hope you find your anger and leave him.

From reaching UK punting reviews, I'd agree.

Everyone - Inc some MN posters - tends to think "escorting" is Belle du Jour in the Dorchester. They make great money and are liberated women.

The reality is they - in mainstream prostitution - are almost exclusively immigrant women with little to no English. They are often run by/affiliated to gangs. The punters jokingly refer to their pimps as "Serghei". The massage parlour brothels tend to be Asian immigrants and the prostitution in flats etc tend to be Eastern European and south American. The punters note if they are English or speak any amount of English as it's uncommon. They regularly refer to their "typical Eastern European attitude" ...ie they are surly (because they don't want to be there, doing that).
They sometimes refer to evidence of drug use.

The street prostitutes murdered by the Ipswich serial killer were all drug addicts.

The prostitution is often several people working in flats ... Punters refer to mattresses sometimes being out on eg kitchen floors due to all the bedrooms being in use.

The "cash is stashed" at the start of the punt with another prostitute or pimp - because the prostitute can't trust the punters to hand it over at the end of to take it back.

They get annoyed they are held up because the women are seeing men pretty much back to back and they overrun.

It's a "sexual oil change", shitty scene with women who really don't seem to have full freedom or opportunities in this country.

(I'd also imagine with porn, they are now constant harassed into agreeing to anal sex to earn money - because it has become a mainstream sex act in porn in a way it wasn't until relatively recently. That is apparently even worse for female anatomy than male and can cause long term problems).

The prostitutes are also aware they're being reviewed and will lose custom etc if they don't pretend happiness/enthusiasm well enough.