Cheated Years Ago, Do I Confess?

Your counsellor is right, nothing to gain and the guilt you feel now will be a lot worse when you see how upset it makes her. You are not going to feel any better by potentially turning her life upside-down.

You were very young, drunk and it didn't mean anything, but she will see it from the perspective of today which will hurt her much more. I get why you want to tell her but I don't think it's the right thing to do.
If you tell her, it's just passing the burden onto her when I think you need to carry it yourself unfortunately.

Don't say anything. It's unlikely your now wife would end the marriage over it (due to your age and the fact you were so drunk) but it will cause her hurt and she'll no doubt dwell on it to a degree. You'll still feel guilty because you'll know you've caused her hurt. In this scenario, ignorance is bliss for your wife, so do her a favour and leave it in the past where it belongs.

You’ve said a several times you can’t imagine life without her. Yet you’re considering telling her something that could remove her from your life. So despite your declarations you’re willing to lose her.

Why?

Have you told her about every time you fell over drunk or threw up at college? If not, I would put those in the same category as this because you were drunk enough to be throwing up and therefore did not have your wits about you.

What's the Tim connection though? Sorry if I missed

Just tear it all up, man, and start again. Makes life more exciting.

Why, are you bored and fancy some drama?

There are some lids that should be kept on.

No. I think you are just bored

I think you are beating yourself up something quite insignificant. You were 20, drunk as a skunk, it was only second base for 10 mins max, you were then sick & can barely remember it. Say nothing. I’m saying this as a loyal wife. No good would come of it, I doubt she’d split up with you over this, but don’t rock the boat. I’m sure had you had another 2 drinks that night you wouldn’t even remember it. Don’t give it another thought.

I'm very much an advocate for being honest with people and the time to tell her should have been before you got married to her so she could make an informed decision whether she wanted to proceed.

Dishonesty ruins a marriage and if she found out some other way, aside from you telling her, she's not going to trust anything you have done or said. I would have more respect for someone if they were completely honest with me and up front.

I understand you don't want to hurt her or lose her but what's done is done and I am a firm believer that lies destroys lives.

Some bodies should remain buried. No one is going to gain anything by exhuming this now. You think you will feel relief but your world could get blown apart and you might never be able to forgive yourself for the pain you are going to cause your wife.
You barely cheated, it's not even worth mentioning. Just write it on a paper, burn the paper (symbolic) and move on in your happy life.

Do not ever tell her.
Shove the memory in a box and slam the lid.

We’ve all done things we regret in our past so you risk causing terrible hurt, possibly tainting your relationship forever, destroying her trust; say nothing.

You would only be easing your guilt by telling her. No good can come if it apart from that. So if you value this relationship just live with it and move on..

Another vote for keeping quiet, you will hurt your partner and possibly lose her because you want to feel better by confessing. If you are devoted as you say you are there is nothing to gain by telling her. Apologise by being the best spouse you can be for the rest of your life.

Don't tell her. It will ruin everything and I think you've shown enough remorse for something that happened years ago and are truly sorry. Make a promise to yourself that you will never be dishonest to her again and move on. Enjoy your life with her and this chance you have.

From a wife's perspective, I would be fuming if my DH kept something like this from me and even more annoyed that he lied about it.

A little shocked to be honest at the amount of people advocating being dishonest to someone you are supposed to respect the most. Lying does not equal respect.

No don't confess.

You have not been unfaithful to your wife. You were (mildly) unfaithful to your girlfriend. At that point you had not made your vows.

Stick to your vows. Forgive yourself to what you did many years ago as a one off to someone to whom you were not bound by promises.

Thing is, if you tell her, then it'll be to assuage your conscience rather than for her sake.
And then you'll feel guilty about hurting her unnecessarily and you may lose her in the process.

If you truly care about her, don't tell her about something so small yet potentially poisonous that will definitely not make her happy.

Sometimes the moral thing to do is to bear our own guilt like grown-ups, by ourselves. Fessing up seems selfish in this case.
If you were having an affair different story. If you were still in touch with the woman different story too.

One thing you can do instead, is put your energy into being the respectful, honest person you want to be, for yourself and for her, that would be a constructive use of guilt.

So you want to tell her to make YOU feel better? How selfish.

Honestly & kindly, you need to get some perspective here op. What would she gain from finding out about this?? There was no sex right?

Agreed

You should have told her at the time and a little disgusting you have let it get this far before deciding to follow 'morals'
Telling your wife just destroys her life at this point.

@pinksheetss I agree with you regarding the timing of telling her.

I'm confused on Tim's involvement? So he cheated on his grifriend the same night? But why does you telling your wife what you did mean Tim has to be involved? Surely you don't have to tell tales on him just because you admit what you did?
But either way I don't see a benefit to anyone you telling your wife, especially now. Also if you're being honest about what happened and not trying to play it down to convince yourself? then a very drunken one off kiss and feel, at 20, in the situation you were in hardly constitutes cheating, not sure why you're feeling so guilty about it so long after