Cheated Years Ago, Do I Confess?

Sorry, posted too soon. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Don't dump your guilt on your wife, and give yourself a break too. You were young, for 10 minutes some years ago, you did something you feel ashamed and embarrassed about. We've all done stuff we'd prefer to forget about, this is pretty minor in the scheme of things. Don't wreck your relationship over this.

That's such a shit threesome

@Namechange756284 what ever a book may say, the way people's personalities are and their true perspectives, confessions are not good for the soul when related to having affairs.

In this instance I wouldn't want to know if I was your wife.

You'd be telling her to ease your guilty conscience for your own benefit and it will cause her pain and leave her in a place where the trust she has in you is shaken and a little bit of that will never be reclaimed. You'll leave her in a position where she'll need to work at forgiving you daily and that's unfair if you've genuinely learnt your lesson and nothing has happened since.

Say nothing, appreciate her and use it as motivation to be the best husband you can be. You can't torture yourself forever and at this stage you've proven that it was a mistake that won't be repeated.

If it was a threesome did you kiss Tim too? In all seriousness though, this is all about you and not about your wife. It is far, far too late to mention it now. You have to forget it and move on.

The only reason this could possibly matter, all these years later, after such a drunken fumble, is if you're secretly in love with Tim. Otherwise, the whole incident has no meaning at all and is certainly not worth mentioning.

@Namechange756284, your wearing this hair shirt because of a 10 minute drunken college fumble is unnecessary and destructive.

You say, *All seems to be going so right and I struggle with “do I really deserve it though.” Of course you deserve a beautiful life and marriage. And your Wife deserves happiness and peace of mind. What she doesn’t deserve is shattered emotional health brought on by your selfish unburdening.

Throw away the hair shirt and the negative self-talk. The corrosive rumination will keep you stuck in quick sand. Forgive yourself and embrace your nice life.

^ this.
As long as youre not after a get out of jail free card, i wouldn't tell her. If you had slept together its different. Kissing is still cheating, its intimacy with someone else, nothing is to be gained but your relief of guilt if you do, youll wish you hadn't. Hopefully youve learned from your mistake, just dont get in that situation again. Use that guilt to be a great husband and to treat your wife amazingly...use that guilt energy to stay a faithful husband.

Hmm. Surprised by the replies. Five years ago isn’t long, especially as the relationship was serious enough for you to move in together a year later, students or not.

Is all this angst because you're bisexual and you haven't been honest about that? I'd find that omission much worse than a silly drunken fumble when you were 20. If not and it was just a drunken one time crazy thing then I think the way to atone is to have learnt your lesson and be a bloody good, honest and loyal husband - I'd prefer you to handle it that way anyway.
If you're bisexual though then I think your wife has a right to know. Finding that out 25 years later is fucking shit - and I speak from experience.

Really?!? What 20 year old hasn’t done something really stupid while drunk.

I’ve been cheated on and am a transparency and honesty girl through and through but I’d have no interest in wanting to know about this.

Seriously, stop beating yourself up. You’re doing the hard work which is learning and growing from it.

Enjoy living your best self safe in the knowledge your moral compass knows which direction it should always be pointing.

Let it go!

I dont know if he meant his mate knew or it was a drunken 3 way thing..its not clear. But, if it is because hes bisexual or gay and hes struggling with that, it is unfair not to tell his wife. When i hear that people have come out the closet and have been married a long time, kids or no kids, stop wasting your partners young years so she can pursue a happy future with someone else. Its deceit and selfish.
Im bisexual, i knew in a time where you did get stick for not being straight...it was horrendous. These days its a lot more 'acceptable' to come out (most of the time, with exceptions) Please dont drag people along.

I’m always team ‘tell the truth’ when it comes to cheating but even I’m sat here thinking ‘definitely don’t tell her’.

There is nothing to be gained because the ‘cheating’ was too innocent to really end the relationship over. Would be very different had you had sex or more significant sexual contact/acts.
Adults don’t leave their finances because they once got very drunk in college and snogged someone they shouldn’t have, so all you can achieve here Is hurting her feelings.

I agree with others who say this is something to keep a lid on.

Teenagers and young adults do silly things. The guilt and lasting feelings about the situation are yours to carry.

I wouldn't ruin a serious adult relationship because of some silliness when young and drunk.

Nope. Say nothing.

Are you frightened Tim will spill the beans?

I think people are getting the dates wrong. Yes, they’ve been together from their early teens, and the OP was a student aged 20 when he had his threesome fumble with Tim and Sally, but he moved in with his girlfriend a year afterwards, and didn’t tell her, because he didn’t want their relationship to be derailed by ‘a mistake from the past’. It wasn’t ‘the past’ when they moved in together, it was the very recent past, and it’s still only five years ago, and they’ve married, bought a house and started planning children in the four years since.

I mean, to me it’s a reason why teenage relationships carried into adult life are usually a bad idea (if they’ve been together since their early teens, no wonder a 20 year old wanted to kiss someone else), but as Mn is so utterly anti-cheating and is generally in favour of confession so that the cheated-on party can decide on their actions with all the information, it seems strange to me that this thread has gone so differently.

RoadLess
I can't speak for anyone else but because they were young and drunk, I'm of the view that the time to say something was at the time and if OP hasn't done that then it's their cross to carry.

The OP would be hurting their partner for no other reason than to help them deal with their guilt and feelings. The guilt and mixed up feelings is the consequence of their actions.

I think the age and circumstances is playing a large part in the responses.

it seems strange to me that this thread has gone so differently

I'm not at all surprised. He didn't say anything at the time so it is now years later and he hasn't cheated again. He feels remorse. He is weighing the actions against his DP's feelings now. Was it sex? An emotional affair? No. It was a drunken snog that shouldn't have happened but nobody is that surprised it did between 20 year olds. Not repeated.

Do you really think it's strange that an OP is being told to move on from a stupid drunk and thoughtless kiss and fumble that happened as a young student rather than ruin the trust in a now adult relationship? He can't change the past and tell her at the time. Would doing so now really be equivalent when they have built up years of history and trust (I presume if neither has cheated again since)?

It's about proportionality.

Forgive yourself and move on. Appeasing your guilt will hurt your partner. Do a ritual to say goodbye to the memory.

I am all for honesty normally, but in this case NO do NOT tell her.

It would only ease your conscience and would bring her loads of pain.

The time to tell her is if she ever gets so much of a whisper of it. Then you have to come clean immediately.

You cheated, so you carry the consequences of the guilt and the ticking time-bomb.

Please put this to bed now. It was a long time ago. You were young, drunk and had a fumble.

You are both very happy - don't rock the boat 🤗

OP, maybe look at why you could want to , subconsciously? , Sabotage anything that's going well in your life. Not necessarily a counsellor, but have a look at self sabotage in relationships. Usually its from childhood trauma of some sort.