Cheated Years Ago, Do I Confess?

You say she deserves to know the truth. That’s just you twisting things to make you feel heroic and less guilty by telling her. She actually doesn’t deserve to be hurt by something from so long ago and relatively trivial to simply appease your guilt. Live with it - that is your punishment!

Get a new counsellor, a ethical counsellor would never tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, especially with a dilemma that is clearly causing you a lot of distress.

Honestly if you were that drunk you were sick it wouldn't be unfathomable that you can't remember it.

Just tell her, it’ll eat away at you otherwise. You’re that way inclined. I am too.

But. You were a pissed kid. She’ll probably laugh at you. I would.

You hadn’t made any vows at that point, and since you did, you’ve been faithful. It’s nothing.

I think you need to work through it in therapy.

You don't get to implode three households because you feel guilty.

You got very drunk, you had a threesome that stopped short of sex. You regret it and will never get into that situation again. You aren't drinking buddies with them.

Advice is in the same park with counsellors, it’s just a big no.

If she’s reflecting back what you are saying in terms of consequences of possible actions then ok.

I know you’ve come on seeking advice of others, and I feel you want to do what’s ‘right’ (whatever that is) but in all honesty only you can make that decision.

You know you and the impact it’s having, you also know your partner and how she will take this better than a bunch of people on the internet.
Its obviously a big dilemma that’s effectively eating you up at the moment.

Continue to explore it in counselling - whatever your decision, it’s yours alone to make.

if you did decide to tell her, it does sound like you have a solid relationship and it may be very likely she would be willing to work through this with you but of course no one can promise that.

good luck

I'm struggling with my own moral compass I guess.

In my experience something is going on when a partner wants to confess something that could end the relationship. I wonder if you’re really as happy as you say you are.

I don’t understand what Tim has to do with this, unless it was a threesome why would you bring him into it? What reason could there be for that; he owes no loyalty to you or your wife so why would he form part of your confession?

I think you should tell your wife you cheated on her with Sally, unless it was a threesome and Tim joined in there is no need to bring him into it even if on a different occasion he has also kissed Sally - that’s nothing to do with you or your wife and I don’t understand why you think it would be relevant.

Absolutely not.

Get a grip.

A once off drunken fumble before you lived together age 20?

Absolutely not.

Are you sure this is all that is going on with your MH that you would consider dropping such an unnecessary bomb in your new life.

I am married 30 years and I would not want to know this having recently got married.

If you tell her you are putting her innthe awful position of having to think of you in terms of a cheater.

At 20 you were a kid still IMO.

Put this to bed.
Stop torturing yourself.

Stop thinking about blowing up your life.
Forgive yourself a meaningless drunken fumble.

Love and honour the vows you have made to your wife and treat her well.

Look to the future and put childish things behind you.

So you and Tim were shitfaced and both kissing Sally?🙄

Forget about it.

Are you subconsciously trying to blow up your life?

Feeling undeserving is exactly what you should explore on a deeper level with your counsellor.

-does this one mistake mean you are denied happiness for the rest of your relationship together?

-how would you respond if a friend was telling you this? would you think they don’t deserve their relationship?

-what’s your motivation behind telling her? what’s driving you to do this? Do your values or family values come into this?

-what’s the impact of telling her?

-what’s the impact of not telling her?

-how will you feel if you did tell her?

-why are you struggling to trust your own decision making abilities in relation to this?

-what promoted you to ask an online forum on what to do? Do you hold the opinions and advice of others higher than your own?

A good counsellor should be challenging you to explore all of this on a deeper level without leaning into advice.

@Namechange756284

Good god say nothing and move on, it doesn’t matter. It was minor and you were young and drunk. If the situation was reversed and your now wife had done something similar would you want to know now? I wouldn’t. I’d rather be oblivious.

I think the pp is correct that you need to work through the feeling of being undeserving with your counsellor - you’re looking for reasons to self sabotage here. Why?

NO! Do NOT tell her. It's too late for that now and might destroy her life.

We've been married for 44 years, and 26 years ago, my husband confessed to kissing someone at a club 5 months into our marriage. It hurt but I tried so hard to bury it and not think about. I managed to do that for the next 20 years, but that bomb eventually was set off by some song lyrics. (Kane Brown's "What If?"; specifically " What if this is our last-first-kiss?") I realized that he was my last-first-kiss, but his was with some unknown woman on a dance floor. It has nearly destroyed my life. I have OCD, and all the world-wide upheaval of the last few years finally did me in. I had a breakdown, severely anxious and depressed for a long time; even with monthly therapy and proper meds, I remain truly broken. I have no self-esteem, I don't trust anyone except my mom and my girls. Repetitive thoughts of how much he must have hated me and the way I disgust him now have taken over my life.

He told me last year, during another discussion about "Why?, What did I do thst caused you to do that to me?" he snapped and said he wished he had never told me. With tears running down my face, I said "I wish that, too! Why would you keep that secret for so long and nearly 20 years after it happened, blurt out a confession?" He said the guilt was hard to live with.

He confessed, and dropped a grenade into my lap. He felt better that I now "knew the truth, that it took a load off of me." But I'm the one who has had to deal with this. The hurt is unreal sometimes, but he can NEVER take it back. He cheated, but it's my mental health that's been destroyed.

It was bad, what he did, kissing her, getting her number, and he should have told me when it happened. When I could have left him and started over. But NOW he deserves to be the one that hurts from what he did. He was a coward to tell me all those years later, just to ease his conscience.

If you are truly remorseful (and you seem to be) and haven't repeated the behavior, you should follow the advice of your counselor and keep this to yourself. It's not fair to give her a life-long sentence NOW because you feel guilty. No one should have to suffer the rage, self-hatred, and the complete dismantling of trust or self-esteem that can come with infidelity. Even if he never touched her again, it still has hurt me. Hurt us both.

Please don't do that to her. Please.

I wouldn't, it may trigger her to mis trust you and rock the relationship. You've accepted it was wrong and won't ever do it again, it was foolish drunken fumble when you were young, leave it in the past. You are being very hard on yourself and clearly suffering but the best thing you can do is mentally separate that time to who you are now and your relationship has evolved stronger.

Keep this to yourself and work towards forgiveness whilst remembering how much pain you know that cheating could.cause.

You were a 20 year old student behaving like an idiot. If you tell your DP the whole tale now, you're not telling her as a 20 year old piss artist. You're telling her now. She will probably not leave you over a drunken snog and fondle years ago but it will affect what you have now and make her doubt you. She will also wonder why you are mentioning it all these years later and suspicion may set in that you have done worse or more recently. Why introduce rot now over something that is very different from 2 mature people having an affair?

Please don't take this to mean that cheating is fine as long as you are discreet. It isn't but I don't see what good would come of this. Handle it privately and recognise that you have been faithful apart from this youthful one off. If you'd told her at the time fair enough but you would be doing so completely out of time and context and causing her a lot more hurt.

If you do, for whatever reason, decide to confess, do not bring Tim into it. He was a kid too and it isn't fair. He's made his decision and it was a kiss, not an affair (not condoning entirely but not worth potenially setting 2 relationships off balance for if you're certain it won't happen again).

I think you should let it go. Telling her could potentially implode your life and you only want to tell her to relive you guilt. Seriously don't implode everyone's life over a kiss 20 years ago.

What @beenwhereyouare said.

Don't tell her! I've been there too, it will ruin everything.

What am I reading, you had a threesome with this girl and Tim , but no sex was involved? How was that a threesome? What did you actually do? Snog some girl a party after your friend did, or are you so obsessing about it because you snogged Tim as well?