April 2023 -"Well we took you to Stately Homes"

@my82my .
She is an adult and we meet up a lot and have weekends away etc with my adult kids as well. We are v close and I try to help her heal from her childhood as best I can. She is extremely low contact with my sister. She doesn't want the hassle of her mother knowing so it is always v hush hush which makes me feel v underhand and deceitful to be honest though I understand her position. I am constantly feeling guilty about it all !

*@Tbry
*
I've been excluded too and put on ab information diet , but they expect me to tell them my business! I've found out about all the family occasions I've been excluded from via Facebook as in old photos put on line and other peoples slips of the tounge. I was a unwanted unplanned child and I think they are resentful and ashamed of me . I wish I had cut off years ago instead of hanging about hoping to be accepted and included.

Sounds pretty similar (I’m the eldest of a few children though and the reason my parents married…one parent has more children after they split up). During covid I was accidentally told by a third party about a what’s-app group, that I’ve never been part of. My DM usually fills me on all the things I’ve been excluded from as they all meet up a few times per year….I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m now completely ignored. My little DN sending me texts is maybe a sign of hope….not child’s fault but they also tell me who they have seen (so I know what I’m not being invited too).

Another question what do you all do about special occasions? My DP and I have been engaged for years now, due to the family problems we’ve not been able to actually have our wedding. So any tips on what to do would be good, if we had two reliable witnesses we would have had a register office marriage ages ago but we don’t. Christmas is also very tough for me and I hate it every year, try to enjoy all the seasonal festivities but don’t enjoy the actual day.

Try to build a decent relationship with your niece. It’s what I am hoping for in the future with my DNS.

I got married last year and had a very small wedding.
Guests in DH parents two close friends that he has known years and some of his work colleagues.
I invited my dad and his girlfriend a friend that I've known over 35 years and our neighbours.
We went to a registry office and then a restaurant. It was small but we had such a good day, And absolutely no fear that anyone would kick off at any moment and ruin things.
I also struggle with Christmas.. mainly guilt that my son doesn't have a loving grandparents/cousins/aunts & uncles.
There's nothing I can do about that though, just concentrate on creating the Christmas and family that you never had.

I’m 4 weeks NC with my parents and I’m starting to feel like I want to cut the rest of my family off. I’m finding it hard hearing things from my sibling/niece.

My sister who has had very little to do with my parents for years as they don’t get on, is suddenly flavour of the month 🙄

How do you cope with hearing they’ve all spent a special occasion together and you’re the one sat at home, even though they did you wrong?

@HowDoYouExpectMeToGrowIfYouWontLetMeBlow When I decided to go no contact I came to terms with the fact there was going to be a life going on that I wasn't part of. Fortunately, my sister is also non contact and as a wider family there aren't nearly as many gatherings as there used to be. The peace being NC has brought me far outweighs any feelings of missing out.

@HowDoYouExpectMeToGrowIfYouWontLetMeBlow It's early days for you yet, go easy on yourself.

About 2 years ago I saw online that there had been a big birthday celebration which ordinarily I would have been part of. But because my "mother" had, a few weeks before, told me that if I'd been a proper mother she would have a better relationship with her grandchildren (that she never helped me with or tried to be friendly with), I was cut out by all of them for blocking her on the phone, except for 1 cousin. It was so upsetting.

Said cousin is, like I was, the scapegoat in her family. She is finding it hard to get her head around my "mother" being a narcissist as my "mother" is covert in her behaviour towards me, so other people haven't seen how devastatingly awful she has been to me - this makes it even harder. However my lovely cousin is so upset at the situation and would love to see a resolution. It won't happen as my "mother" wrote to me calling me a liar and telling me to leave her alone. In a recent conversation with my cousin (who I hope some day will see the light but it's hard as she's seen what happened to me), she said to me would I not go to see my "mother" with a "sort of" apology as she thought the rest of the family would accept me again if they saw I had made up with her!!!

My response to her shows how far I've come in the last 2 years. I asked her why she thought I'd want a relationship with people like that. My instant reaction was I don't care if I never see them again, if they were prepared to cut me out without even speaking to me to try to find out what actually happened (as opposed to my "mother"'s victim story which smears me, and she didn't tell anyone what she wrote to me). I'm not prepared to have a relationship with people who will only be nice to me if a horrific covert narc approves of me, and will otherwise cut me out. What sort of people do that? Not ones I want in my life!

I have had a lot of therapy and used various other tools, including this thread, which have helped me enormously. If you look back on my posts on this thread you can see a list of the resources I have found most helpful in staying strong.

We had a very small wedding. But if I could do it again, we would just elope. It was a day for us, our vow, our promises to each other and a commitment to our DS but relatives couldn't help make it about them.

Regarding Christmas, DM would drum it into us not to ask for too much, guilt us massively about what we did ask for and then grimly force her way through the day, going through the motions. She still hates Christmas.
I went the opposite. Not necessarily expensive but I embrace it and made it a very different Christmas to my own childhood one. And it's just me and DS and DH being cosy and doing nice things together. Any other day over the season I'm happy to go wherever, but Christmas eve & day it's just us. Would that work for you?

I posted on here fairly requently over several years as the relationship with my emotionally abusive DM waxes and wanes For me Covid and lockdowns were a godsend enabling me to go very LC. She lives in Ireland so stricter rules, plus I she has inadvertantly helped this as she refuses to fly, (not a phobia - doesn't 'like' airports) and will not accept that the coach and train services that ran pre-Covid have no longer operate in the same way and look unlikely to ever be reinstated. (She says with a loud cheer!)

I thought that I had come to terms with not having the mother that I would wish for but this has been shaken and suddenly I feel all upset again. This week I had some bad news, health wise, what started off last year as a muscle injury has progressed to arthritis. No it's not life threatening, it can be treated but it will and is already, impacting on my life. I need to keep fit as work with youngsters with learning and other difficulties (initial injury was in a sports class) and will impact my home life as we currently live in a 4 storey house and already the stairs are becoming an issue. My DM's response to this:

'Nothing like that in our family'

and then went on to talk about her hearing aid fitting and how long it's taken. Her own fault because she refused to pay privately (£150 nothing to her. I know I manage her UK finances).

I should have known that this would be her response. Have heard it so many times before whenever a medical problem is reported in the family. But she's worse with me. Others, including relative strangers she will apportion blame behind their backs and then rally round and go all out to help but It's as if I'm not allowed to be ill. She once told me accusingly when I was in hospital (emergency admission) that:

'You don't sound ill'

She treats my children the same. Her response to my daughter's scoliosis op when she was 13 was to blame my DH genes followed by silence. No phone calls or gifts to her GD. All we got wast a quick measly reply to the meassge that DD was out of surgery (proceedure took over 5 hours) written by my niece. She is not like this with my sister and her family just me. As a child she would be nursed as a delicate flower while I'd be packed off to school.

I don't really know why am posting or why I feel so upset. When I think of the emotional hell she gave me when DF was alive (his illness was her emotional battering ram) this is nothing but I feel shit and need to off load with someone other than DH and DCs.

Thank you for the suggestion, we had wanted to do that over a decade ago, but my health is not so good currently.

Thank you that’s the sort of thing we would love. But the family problems mean we have zero family to invite on either side (each one gave us a stipulation for example who can’t be there, where it is, etc, etc and I can’t cope with all of that) and our close friends have declined. So we are back to the drawing board.

Yes Christmas is tough as it’s now just our tiny family unit every year, only a handful of cards and gifts and no phone calls. I get really sad about it as I am from a really big family so I have memories of seeing them all at big get togethers as a young child.

So sorry it is really tough going and I have no advice. It’s the knowing they are doing things and not including you that hurts the most …well it does for me as that means they can all meet up and not care if you are there or not. It’s my siblings who I am very very LC with (I’d say NC but my partner tells me it’s not that bad).

If your normally absent sibling is anything like mine all seem to be I feel like things now get hijacked…so I will plan to see a parent and then I’m not able to as siblings intervene.

I kept thinking I was imagining it or blowing things out of proportion but last Winter I was due to see a parent (to do this we drive a 10-12 hour round trip and see them for an hour or so) got cancelled due to seasonal illness, then on ‘my date’ other siblings and their families saw them. I was so hurt.

To actually get to see the same parent this year we did a similar thing before something else but did not even tell my parent we were coming so no one could intervene. Drove all day to see them for about five minutes then stayed in a B&B but couldn’t see them properly the next day either as they were doing something for a sibling. But at least I know I tried my very hardest to try to see them.

I think it comes in waves of ups and downs. For a while I think I am ok and coping then the next moment there’s a huge wave and I’m drowning. I have had completely different health problems, but very unexpected and not that old. I have had terrible things said to me over the years relating to it. To cope with the comments, for example being called a crip* - I have starred the word out as I do not want to offend anyone else with a similar disability. I always tried to remind myself that whatever is said is probably meant in a nice way just gets twisted (my therapy made me come to my senses on this though and I am now trying to set boundaries as I realise if it’s not something I think is ok to say or do to others I do not need it being said or done to me ).

@frami it's weaponising your illnesses isn't it? In your case it might be jealousy that you're ill so therefore might get any attention, or using it as a weapon to be critical of you.

DM has a different approach. She tells everyone how worried she is about the person, how she's not sleeping with the stress. This she will wring every bit of attention she can out of by touting it around to random people and obviously every single family member for sympathy and attention for her and very often she does such a dog on it that you end up getting other family members telling you off for stressing out DM. It's quite crass and jarring the way she relishes it.

I no longer tell her a damn thing. I didn't tell her about my infertility or my fertility treatments until after it was resolved. I recently had a lump in my breast and only told anyone outside of DH after I got the all clear.

I find it sad to hear that people are suffering from health problems and do wonder whether it's a manifestation of the CPTSD that survivors of narcissistic abuse have?

I moved to Japan in 2003 and couldn't afford to come home for Christmas, so spent xmas by myself travelling in Thailand and had a great time! I then alternated spending xmas with my family/travelling, but since I met my husband we always go to his family. They are so lovely and so much fun. We play loads of board games, eat, drink and make merry. I really do feel lucky to have married into a loving functional family.

It has taken me the best part of a month to feel like myself again, since my NM cornered me and my family in the car for 30 mins of vitriol. I'm feeling really at peace with the decision to go NC. I'm continuing therapy as I am really keen to break the cycle and heal. I've realised that when I'm with my mum I am basically in freeze mode. Literally for the last decade, my body has felt that it is in danger around her!

@Turfwars
Funny you should write that. My Mum does the same also. She will be in tears saying how her 'heart is broke', running around after someone she barely knows or someone she was bitching about a few days before. People think she's wonderful but actually it's really for her own benefit.

^^ This is so true @AttilaTheMeerkat - I always described my Toxic Sister as an ambulance chancer. You'll always find her involving herself in somebody else's crisis like the emotional vampire she is. Then regaling everyone with tales of how she is having to support that person, while catastrophising about how terrible it all is.

*chaser, not chancer!

I relate to this too.
My NM loves tragedy in other people's lives. She likes the details and offers her always unwanted "expert advice" and of course can relate to any personal tragedy, so she ends up making all about herself.

When I was diagnosed with cancer (fully recovered a few years ago), the worse part for me was to know my NM was visiting at the time. I was dreading being with her at that time. Before I told her the news I was already dreading it. She was horrible and inappropriate as expected. She made all about herself and how tragic was for a mother to get those news, also she said how she was going to cope with my children if I died (!!!). I told her the cancer wasn't terminal and that I have a husband who is the children's dad who would look after them in the event of everything going wrong. And that her comments were the opposite of helpful. She spent all day on her phone telling everyone about my diagnose, never took my feelings or wishes in consideration.

I asked her once if she ever considered how cancer felt to ME. She looked puzzled. Genuinely she never thought about that. Or I suspect even care.
I was relieved when she was gone.

I am sorry to hijack this threat, am just feeling low and sorry for myself this is in lieu of writing it all down on paper. I may get a lot of hate regarding my son which I deserve.

My father was very physically and emotionally abusive. When I reached my teens he started with inappropriate behaviour to me. Some examples: Telling me that he had been looking at me naked in bed and what a lovely body I had (have never slept naked since), told me he was unhappy with my mum and that he would get a flat with me and I could be 'a proper wife' to him. Sat on sofa one day and he started stroking my leg and thigh telling me he wished mum would shave her legs, mum was I next room and I called out to her, she came in, saw what was going on and walked out and shut the door. Didn't even realise it wasnt normal until I visited a friend and watched her kiss and hug her dad. Knew then that I would never be able to do that with mine without leading him on. I don't ever remembering him raping me. Just the disturbing behaviour.

Fast forward, and I married a very abusive man (won't go into details, but was so bad have never had another relationship). Divorced him, as I didn't want to end up dead and my child being raised by him.

Husband had very little contact with son as he had moved out of area to live with his parents. As son got to toddler stage, husband did take son a couple of times a year to his parents for a few days. Son always came back distressed, and me, being so stupid always put it down to disturbance in routine.

One time he came back, and as I was comforting him told me something about his grandad which confirmed that he had been sexually abusing him.

Got him off to school next day ( was in primary 1st year) and rang health visitor in hysterics. Long story short, police involvement, child protection order, father banned from taking son to his parents, contact on my premises only. Grandfather never charged as not enough evidence, and I was an evil bitch for making it all up.

My brave son had treatment from a child psychiatrist and with a lot of love and care became like a normal little boy again. Once husbands debts were paid off I moved back from other area of UK to England.

I had undiagnosed PTSD, for years. Flashbacks didnt stop until I was in late 40s and diagnosed with severe mental health problems, medication stopped the anxiety and flashbacks. Was carer for my mum until she died earlier this year.

Instead of grieving, I am now suffering flashbacks to my abuse and my sons. I am so ashamed of allowing my boy to suffer as I did. Have never discussed it with him since and don't even know if he remembers it. He is the most amazing adult and we are very close. He has no contact at all with his father, sons choice entirely.

I am crying as I write this. I will never get over putting my son in a vunerable position. Don't anyone feel sorry for me, it's my boy who deserves the sympathy.

I suppose all I can say is, anyone with a similar background, be braver than me. Don't leave it too late. If a parent is abusing you, break the cycle now.

@Lovecatsnotsomuchpeople
Gentle hugs.
You are not to blame. Not for what was done to you, nor to your boy.
I experienced csa at a young age. I had 'forgotten' until an encounter with a perv as a teen and then the memories surfaced. What hurt me most was the inaction my parents took. In your case, you moved heaven and earth as soon as your boy told you, to keep him safe, and got him all the help and support he needed.
Time will tell if its affected him, but your early intervention will have made all the difference.
It was not your fault and you could have no way of knowing. ❤️