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Original poster

could you live like this?

53 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/07/2010 16:17

myself amd DH have been together for over 20 years. in this time, i have always been the "sorter" - the person who sorts everything. DH is very laid back. very placid. very dependable. but also very lazy, stubborn and child like sometimes.

he wont get off his backside and do anything. he snores so i end up on a mattress on DDs floor most weekends - he wont sort it. He wont have a vastectomy so im back on a pill that leaves me feeling crap. (and he hasnt noticed so far that there has been no sex) Yesterday DD was unwell, he left it to me to take her to A&E despite the fact i work for our GP and he could have simply phoned me.
Lately i have persued my dream career, its taken me 2 years and im nearly there. he continues to work unsociable hours for very little money, unpaid overtime, permanent nights. We hardly see each other. He asked me earlier this year to help him find another job. He asked me to do his CV etc (i said he is incapable didnt i??)
he got one knock back then decided he is happy where he is after all.

i suggested looking into other types of work. but again he waited for me to do all the work. ive mentioned a few times about maybe looking into retraining - he says "yeah - i might do" then thats it. I am worried i am changing and leaving him behind. his lack of drive irritates me beyond belief. ive tried to talk to him but i just got "well divorce me then". any suggestions?

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 16:20

Do you love him?

Everyone has their faults and flaws, no one's perfect, I expect life would be rather dull if we found the perfect person. The question is, do you love him enough to overlook his flaws?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/07/2010 16:22

(ill be back later - he is snooping....)

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 16:22
Grin
Malificence · 10/07/2010 16:32

In answer to your question, no I couldn't live with a man like that.

It all boils down to a lack of respect, for himself and for you.
If he's been this way for so many years, he thinks it's normal and the fact that you've always been the adult in the relationship and not really challenged him means he sees no reason to change.

helicopterview · 10/07/2010 17:30

You are ambitious, proactive and the 'sorter'. What possible motivation does he have to change himself? He's probably very happy right where he is.

I think you'll find he doesn't want to change, since that would mean him actually getting off his backside, and putting in some effort.

You can moan and moan, It won't make a blind bit of difference.

He needs to want to change, and for that he needs to see the reason why.

Which is that you'll leave/kick him out. 'Well divorce me then', tells me he doesn't think you actually mean it, and will not really take any action.

What are you prepared to do? How far will you take this to prove to him you mean business?

Incidentally I have been down this road myself, and part of the process will probably have to be you stopping playing the mother role, and sorting/running to his rescue. Encourage him to take responsibility for the things he should be responsible for. Be interested, but leave it to him to complete whatever the task is.

ItsGraceActually · 10/07/2010 18:30

Good god, Vicar

Actually my answer to your title is "I DID live like this!" I sort of got sucked into it. Once I was out of it - actually, on the day when I sat down & wrote him a manual on HOW TO LOOK AFTER HIMSELF after I'd got (the twat didn't even know how to work the dishwasher) - I was just astonished.

Maybe you're getting something out of this relationship, which isn't obvious from your post?

What Mal said.

ItsGraceActually · 10/07/2010 18:31

*after I'd gone

Eurostar · 10/07/2010 18:47

sounds a bit like a kind of co-dependency thing going in with you subtely finding it a safer place to be in control. I think you've posted before about an abusive childhood? In this case it would not be suprising that you've found this way of being safer although exasperating too. Sounds like you're changing now? It won't help to get angry with your DH. It's a fact of trying to explain to him how you're changing and asking if he can join you in the change - and for you to stop enabling him by doing things for him.

Eurostar · 10/07/2010 18:49

oh and yes...I have lived like that, no longer do and will no again. Exes have gone on to find other "sorter" women.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/07/2010 19:42

co dependency - maybe yes. he is very self sufficient and can look after himself in terms of housework, washing, ironing etc. but the big things - life changing things - he wont try.

and he seems to totally lack common sense. and it irritates me. the fact that he lets me sleep on the floor rather than just book a gp appt for his snoring, the fact that he will now seemingly live without a sex life rather than look into the pros and cons of vasectomy, he also never shows any outward signs of emotion, i never get a hug or an i love you - it all adds up and i resent it.

we have been together so long i do think he just thinks thats it - we are together forever come what may. and i do love him, and yes i did have an abusive childhood and he is kind, stable, reliable. but im finding him increasingly annoying.

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 19:44

Have you spoken to him about it?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/07/2010 19:46

several times over the years. but now as today - i get "well divorce me then" and thats it - end of discussion.

one day he will get a bloody shock when he gets the divorce papers in the post...

seriously - i dont want that. we have really struggled over the years with money and the kids (eldest is autistic). i dunno.

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 19:52

He needs a cattle prod shoving up his arse then.

I'm a very tolerant person, eventually I would snap though. He sounds as though he doesn't have any self worth, like he doesn't deserve a better job. He doesn't feel capable, hence the waiting for you to sort the children out. Does he have any hobbies? Anything he's good at?

Eurostar · 10/07/2010 19:54

The snoring and the vascectomy - on the one hand it sounds like you might be in a habit of putting up with your needs not being considered? Or, sorry if this is harsh to consider, he doesn't want to be close to you and these are convenient ways for him to keep distance?

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 19:56

or fear of what the doctors will do

Fabster · 10/07/2010 19:56

Not sure, tbh.

I sort most things to do with the kids and have recently been redecorating the whole house.

Dh sorts everything to do with our holidays.

iamanewmum31 · 10/07/2010 19:58

Is he depressed? Has he been to see a doctor?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/07/2010 20:02

i dont think his self worth is an issue - he is just lazy in that respect. he wont a scholarship to a private school when he was young but wouldnt go. he doesnt do change well, even if its for the better, though he is happy for me to change things for him.

he has no hobbies and no friends, always has been a complete loner, though gets on brilliantly with colleagues, has a good sense of humour etc.gets on really well with the kids, i once left him, a good 15 years ago now, because i thought he just didnt need me, i thought as long as he had his books and his records and dvds he wouldnt notice if i wasnt there. he really tried and pulled out the stops, booked us into Relate. i dont want it to get to that stage again but now isnt the time to talk seriously about it - ive got to get to the top of my own career mountain first. i cant multitask!
once ive got where i need to be then i think we will talk. though i do feel im wasting breath as i have had this discussion several times over. we hardly see each other at all now anyway, due to his working hours. i dont think he wants to distance himself. he just does nothing. actually distancing himself would take effort. he doesnt make effort.

OP posts:
proudnsad · 10/07/2010 20:03

I'm not sure if you might be expecting too much or being too critical. Why does he have to have a vasectomy? If you were on here saying your dh was demanding you be sterilised then many posters would find this an outrage. The snoring...yes v v annoying but my dh snores as do many men. He pulls his weight round the house. He doesn't want to change jobs, maybe he's happy with this job even if low paid and feels pressured by you to move?
I'm playing devil's advocate to an extent as I understand your frustrations. But feeling 'increasingly annoyed' is certainly no reason to even think of ending a marriage.
Would he go to Relate with you?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/07/2010 20:03

no not depressed. he is emotionally on a very even keel all the time. not scared of gp either - if i make him an appt he will go. but he will sit and wheeze until i make an appointment for him to get inhalers or whatever.

it does my head in tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/07/2010 20:08

proud - he doesnt have to do any of those things - the point is if i made the appointment, and arranged it all for him he would but im not his mother and im sick of feeling like one.

he hates his job most of the time. he is in bed for 7pm most nights. he never gets paid overtime, his boss takes the piss to a massive extent but he is a complete pushover so people do take advantage. he will come and say "boss did Blah blah blah - something awful or completely outrageous" and i say "well why didnt you explain?" or "why do you put up with that?" and he goes " i dont know. you know what im like"

i find it increasingly frustrating. he is taken advantage of at work on a massive level and he does nothing but occasionally moan to me about it.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 10/07/2010 20:08

proudnsad - vicar doesn't seem to be trying to force him into a medical procedure, just to consider the options. As for snoring, just because many people snore there's no reason to put up with it if it can be stopped, it's hell trying to live life if one is sleep deprived from a snorer. Also, sleep apnea, if that's what he has, can shorten lives and make one exhausted so worth sorting it out if possible.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 20:09

Hmm. He sounds like he wants another mother then, someone who will do everything for him and make all of his decisions. I knew someone like this (emphasises the knew), this was the only time I've ever lost it with someone. It didn't help, he's no longer around.

A relationship needs 2 people to make it work. Can I suggest a role swap for a couple of weeks?

I have to go and burn the supper, I shall return.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/07/2010 20:13

im being snooped on again by my DD who knows im not a happy bunny with daddy tonight...

ill be back later too. thanks for the views so far...

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/07/2010 20:23

I am wondering what you are getting out of this relationship. It probably seems very safe now given your childhood too.

My MIL does everything (because she is needy and likes to be in charge) and FIL has taken a back seat. He does nothing around the house. It suits him very well and he won't change.

Would you however, want your children to have a relationship like yours?. No?. What you have taught them though is that such a dysfunctional relationship is acceptable to you.

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