so he thinks marriage is a waste of time but i dont?

[princessdaisyboo]

me and dp have been together 3 years and have ds who is 20 months and i have dd from previous marriage who is 4.5.
We have both been married before, i would love to get married to dp but he is not really that keen, i think he would do it for me eventually but basically thinks its a waste of time, he says he has always thought this and didnt want to get married the first time and look at where that got him, his wife left him.
He really wants another baby which i have said yes to but i want to at least be engaged before this happens, he said yes he agrees with this, so im sort of waiting for him to pop the question but then last night we were talking about a friend of mine who is planning thier wedding and he said this thing about it being a waste of time.
Do you think a lot of men are like this and they just go along with it to keep the woman happy? Im not sure if i want to marry someone who thinks marrying me is a waste of time, or is just doing it to keep me happy? What do you think?
It has really upset me.

I think that you have to decide whether being married matters to you so much that you won't be happy unless you are. You can't make your DP want to be married, either. Why do you want to be married?

Why do you want to get married?

i have a few reasons why i want us to be married,
1, I love him so much and i want us to be man and wife, not just girlfriend and boyfriend i would be so proud to be his wife and do him proud, i would feel safe and know that im really that important to him.

2,for our son and future children to have a married mummy and daddy and all have the same name. and if he wants us to have more children together i feel i need a bit more commitment from him.

3,i went to a catholic school and i think it must of embedded something in me as now we have children together i think its important.

And also because i cant help feeling that the reason that he doesnt really want to is because for some reason im not quite good enough to ask to marry? yet im good enough to keep wanting babies with? and that leaves me feeling a bit hurt, although he says if not that at all?

he has said he will get engaged and married eventually but i dont want him to be doing it just so ill have another baby, i want him to ask me because he loves me to bits, never wants to loose me, wants me to be Mrs ... etc etc do you know what i mean?

Your reasons for wanting to be married are equally as valid as his for not wanting to. It's a tough one, because one of you will have to change their mind for this to work. Have you told your DP your reasons?

thanks chickens, yeah we have gone through it many a times and i have told him that it is very important to me, i have tried to change to his way of thinking about it but i cannot. so he has said that yes we will get married at a later stage just not yet, (when our next baby can toddle behind us too were his words) and i respect him for that and im ok with that,but i said i want us to be engaged before we have anymore children, he said ok but nothing has happened as yet and we are due to start trying in Oct (getting holiday over with first)

but if he really thinks its pointless and just a peice of paper is it worth going through with it all just to keep me happy, and would i really be happy knowing that he doesnt see any importance in any of it anyway?

I can't see the point in getting married to someone who doesn't really want to get married.

Your reasons for wanting to get married are entirely valid but right now he doesn't share those feelings.

Assuming this is not a deal breaker for you (i.e you wouldn't leave him over it) you will just have to accept it for now.

But if you don't want to bring another child into the world without being married then don't agree to have one.

no i wouldnt leave him over it just yet, i hope he will in time come to see me as the one and want to marry me not just make babies with!

I tend to think that most men are neutral about marriage and will do it if their partner wants to, UNLESS, they've had their fingers burnt and are therefore fearful of getting wed again.
I agree with msboogie about not getting married to someone who doesn't wish it, but there are legal differences between cohabitation and marriage which, if you're not already aware of them, you and he should consider.
For example, if he were to die intestate you would not inherit any monies from him- legally (although of course not emotionally) you're strangers.

FWIW, my DH wasn't keen on marriage when we first spoke about it but I really didn't want to have kids without being married. He has a son from a previous relationship but was never married and didn't "see the point".
So, like your DP, he wasn't against it persay.

5 years in, he did propose and although I don't know what changed, from that moment on marriage became very important to him and he loves the fact that I'm his wife!
I do think that the legal and financial implications of us having kids, him having a child and us not being married had given him some clarity on the situation as well.

I hope it all works out for you and I agree with msboogie that you'd probably be best to hold off having another child if that is really what it comes down to.

Agree 100% that marriage does not equal commitment. People who are unmarried can be devoted to one another and people who are married may not give a monkey's about one another.

Number One reason for marrying is to make a legal declaration that you and your husband wish to be viewed as a couple.
It's no good cohabiting for decades and expecting the "authorities" to recognise you as a couple without it (marriage)- they can't guess as regards the nature of your relationship. It's not their place to do so.

Of course, you can make yourself effectively "married" by use of your own private legal arrangements- making a will where your partner is beneficiary for example, but marriage is so much easier.

Forgive me, OP, if you don't give a fig about who gets monies/properties in the event of a split/death, it's just that most people do.

Maybe he thinks that you just get married once and if it doesn't work out you don't get married again.

Don't understand the religious argument as surely in the eyes of the church you are still married - to your first husband.

Would be careful about pressuring him into marriage although of course you are free to decide not to have any further children with someone who is happy enough to have children but not marry the mother of those children.

From the practical point of view...

Are you working? do you have a good income that would allow you to support yourself and 2 children to the standard of living you are used to?

If yes, I won't be so bothered about getting married, but if not, I would think my options carefully before ordering baby no. 2. In a nutshell, you and your children are better protected by law when you are married. You will agree with me that the CSA specified rate for child maintenance won't keep a roof over your heads if things go wrong.

Now, in terms of how you feel... I agree with you... it is not about wanting to get married now, but about seeing some probably not very tangible proof that he thinks you are the one. I wouldn't feel very comfortable in a serious relationship if there wasn't at least a little intention to tie the knot at some point. Yes I know it's not permanent, I'm divorced, to prove the point but still.. I know it is ok for lots of people not to marry and I do think they are not wrong, but for me it is important so what works for other people doesn't necessarily has to work for me...

thanks,
lady in the radiator, i suppose im contradicting myself on the religeous one, i dont know marriage just seems right for me, especially with children involved, and the surname thing first cropped up whilst i was pg with ds and i asked then are we going to get married one day, to which his reply was and still is, "maybe, yes, if your good!"

orangie, im not a very practical person so its much more about my feelings, but im a sahm, no income, no pension no savings, i rely totally on dp so yes i do want to get married to feel safe and secure and yes i suppose i do mean financially, dp says what do you think i wouldn't look after you? i said but what if you died, he got mad that i was talking about him dying and said his family would look after me and i can keep the house if i can pay the mortgage, sort of joking but still a bit weird, but this is his guarded side coming out incase im just after his money (his ex stored money from thier joint account before leaving him) hence we do not have a joint account,

tho bottom line is we are both scared of getting hurt again, he deals with it by being a bit wary and guarded, i deal with it by craving commitment and security from him,in the form of getting engaged and married in the future not just creating more babies.

th

plus, i know relationships are about give and take but i feel like we are now at a situation of "ill have another baby if you will ask me to marry you" is that not a bit weird??????

I understand that at this point you may say that it is more about the feelings, I would have never imagined that my then H would not take proper care for us in the event of a divorce.

I guess I should have been more practical before putting my financial security on his hands... last year I had a child attending a private school, this year... same child qualified for free school lunches.

obviously, he is not attending private school anymore... and considering the way exH is behaving, we might not even have a roof over our heads in some months, unless, as dear exH put it: The governement will take care of us.

Don't expect him to get married, even if you do get engaged.

I knew a girl at work who'd been engaged for 7 years. I met and married dh, eventually left work 3 years later and lost touch with her then. She was still engaged.

Fine if you're happy about it.

there is getting amrried and tehre is a wedding - you can get married without ahving the huge wedding.
ask him what it is - the getting married (you could do it for a few hundred pounds, jsut family adn clsoe friends, ask your priest how much in th church...)

or is it he donest want a big wedding?
big wedding i can understand someone saying "waste of time"

separate "getting amrried" for legal piece of paper

with "having a wedding"

""his ex stored money from thier joint account before leaving him) hence we do not have a joint account,"""

i think this is an issue - most couples woul-d have at least a joitn account for bills etc - if you both own the house equally for example.
if you dont have joint account how do you pay for common expenses like supermarket shop. bills?

i would tackle that one first i think.... til he agrees to trust you with money how you gonna get married?

i have clarified with him that getting engaged does mean to get married in the future which he was fully aware of and ok with,

this is not about the big wedding day at all, we are both clear that it will be just us and any family and friends that want to come, (proberly abroad) so yes its more about leagally being a married couple,

thanks for everyones advice
x

princessdaisyboo, there is nothing weird at all for a couple in a long-term relationship with children to be married. You are NOT weird at all.
Marriage was designed for women (and men) like your partner- it's a way for them to formalise their relationship.
Nobody likes to think about death, but jeez, if he HASN'T included you in his will you won't get a penny of his assets in the event of his death.
Sure, you could try claiming as a dependent, but who on earth wants to go through that when grieving?
His parents may get funny and not let you organise the funeral.
You are not being weird at all!

I don't think it's wierd Princess. I think a lot of women find themselves in similar situations because as someone else said, a lot of men are indifferent to marriage until something comes along to change their view on it.
Before my DH proposed we were about to quit our jobs, me sell my house and us move halfway across the country to live nearer to his DS. Thank god he proposed because I wasn't going to do any of it if he didn't and although I never said that, I think it was fairly implicit.

Obviously, any JOINT legal arrangements made between the two of you will stand, but if you have no legal connection to the house in the sense of your name being on the deeds, mortgage etc you could find yourself up s* creek.