little value on sex

[ponderingthought]

I have often wondered this.
Its not something that is new, ive always felt that way. Sex is great, its the most fun thing, and i really enjoy it, but it is, just sex.

Its not a big deal. I have no emotional ties to it.

Speaking frankly to a new boyfriend over the last couple of weeks, ive realised my attitude is quite unusual and i wonder why im this way.

what you mean like you think sex is good and you like it cause it feels good as opposed to doing it for the man or cause you are in love etc. Yeah I am the same nothing wrong with it. I would say its more normal than the people who see sex as something they give a man. I have sex with my husband cause I need orgasms simple as. Its not that I dont love him loads but I do do for the pleasure. All the lovey dovey stuff we do out of the bedroom and when we are in it it is more about being dirty and getting pleasure.

Yes - like that. But going further than that. I can have sex with someone ive just met and not feel guilty or regrett it at all.
Ive been in a fuck buddy type situation and not felt guilty at all.
Porn does not bother me, in fact in enjoy it.. the list goes on.

I think that what botheres me is that as a women society is not accepting of these things, and on the whole, women like that ( or like me) are portrayed as being a slut or something. So, it botheres me, that im not bothered by it iyswim.

But, my attitude to sex has always been the same. Even losing my virginity was not a bit deal. It was with someone i was going out with, but there was nothing special about it, and that doesnt bother me either.

I think thats a perfectly healthy attitude to sex as long as you keep yourself safe.

well thats good.

Im always safe and only ever do things that i want to do/and enjoy.

I wonder if it has anything to do with how i was brought up, that sex was just not mentioned, and something you gave to someone.

Which is why i now maybe feel at odds for not thinking that way, if that makes sense.

Ive got a daughter. Im going to teach her that sex is fun, and its up to her what she does as long as she is safe.

Out of interest (and this is going to sound judgemental but don't mean it to be), do you feel the same about love? Is sex linked to love for you?

It's just for me, I used to think I thought similar to you but a little more emotional about until... til I found my H had had an affair with someone else. Was / am utterly, utterly devastated and destroyed. Was the betrayal of sex that was worst aspect - never thought I'd feel that way as always thought more damaging to fall in love with someone else.

Interesting. Sure hormones are to blame for everything.

Op this is interesting and similar thoughts have crossed my mind.

I too lost my virginity and to me it didn't matter, I wanted to experience sex for what it was not because I was in love with BF.

I had other BF's in late teens and met exh and we got married at 23. Sex was always great and as you said fun rather than all lovey dovey.

My H left me 10 months ago and lives with OW. I have no feelings about the sexual side of their relationship, that wasn't the betrayal, for me it was the disloyalty and disrespect for our marriage and all we had shared over 26 years together that hurts the most.

So now I am in the situation where I am beginning to be interested in other men. I have a second date next week with a nice guy and although I probably will not have sex with him then, I know it could be on the cards fairly soon if all goes well.

But I don't associate this with love or a full time relationship, just something I would do with someone I like and fulfill a need, IYSWIM.

Does that make me promiscuous? Considering that in 26 years I have only slept with exh and a ONS with a friend about a month ago, someone trusted and it possibly won't happen again. Just scratching an itch, so to speak!!

dogfish - i think women demanding useless trinkets in return for sex is just wrong. Its not much different to prostitution really is it. Though im not entirelly sure im with you on the whole taliban thing. Think there is a bit more to that than just sex.

Lucy - no, love is important, its just love and sex are not linked for me. Not really. My ex husband had an affair as well. It was not the sex that hurt me, but the lying and the emotional side of it, the total betrayal.

party - it is interesting. I totally understand what you mean about the betrayal of your marriage, thats what i was trying to say, its the disrespect.

I dont think it makes you promiscous at all. Or me. Ive slept with 6 men, which is not many at all. Yet ive enjoyed a varied and experimental sex life. Im a very sexual person, i cant help it,

I slept with my new bf within a few hours of meeting him. Not beacause i loved him, not because i wanted him to like me, but beacuse i was horney and i could.
So i understand that you dont associate sex with love or a full time relationship.

There must be more of us that just two then. Assuming there are. are we different from most women? or are most women like that but wont admitt it, either to themselves, or to others for fear of being judged.

quite possibly pondering, that is why I joined your thread.

I would hate to be judged because I had slept with someone with whom I wasn't 'in love' with, or in a 'committed' relationship with.

I like sex, end of!

I love my dp madly but just can't do the whole film/tv style making love thing. I love having sex its great fun but I totally agree with the no emotional ties attitude. Its something I love doing and only want to do with my lovely dp but I associate it with fun and pleasure, not love!

ah - another one.
Interestingly with films/tv mentioned.

Sex, is animalistic. Are we, being led to belive it should mean more, because of the images/stories shown in films and on tv? Or were our mothers led to believe that, and thats been handed down a generation?

I secretly think it would be fun to have sex with lots of other people - but dh wouldn't approve so I don't!

I think many people would have been told from early on that to enter into a sexual relationship you need to be committed to each other and monogamistic.

My parents were quite liberated in some ways and I didn't have that instilled in me but I know others who did.

TV/film doesn't help, I hate mushy romantic type movies, no my thing.

My DC have been told about safety and respect where sex is concerned but I have no expectation of them to remain with one partner for all eternity. That they should have fun in a careful, safe and respectful way.

We all have desires that need to be met and although I do not feel the need for a man in my life full time, it is good to know that they are 'available' and that I am attractive to them.

I wouldn't have had sex with other men either, I was totally committed to my marriage, loved and fancied my exh like mad!!

He was the cheat, not I, nor would I.

Also about communication. If one person wants a one night stand but the other wants love/something more...

If both people get what they want, fine. No kids/animals/relatives and a wide age range a la Ronnie Wood and Katya is a bit screwey as well...

But really sex is trivial in itself.

It's interesting on MN the phrase emotional relationships. Betrayal without sexual contact. There is an opposite isn't there? What if a poster here loves their hubby, their kids, but sees life as short or whatever. Then they once in a while/when the opportunity arises has a one night stand with a stranger, for kicks, nothing more, never sees them again.

Is that better than an emotional affair?

Coolfonz, quite possibly better, I did say to my exh that I could forgive a ONS or even a fling of a week or two, but he had a 3 year affair (still with OW), he says began because they became close, i.e. emotional affair. Then it had progressed beyond sex and as with him this is sometimes, unfortunately irretrievable.

No that's terrible you're right. My mate's mum had an affair with a neighbour for 10 years, and the Dad and her got back together after a split (some 20 years back, still together quite old now).

But there is a caveat - the other person could never find out. If my missus went away, shagged someone, came back , everything normal as normal is, i never knew, how does it affect me?

dogfish - i see what you mean. Agree re the middle america thing. i can of course, understand wanting to keep your children safe, from sti's teenage pregnancy or emotional upset, but by using those tactics they are potentially damaging a whole life times of sexual fun, because it should be fun, for both parties.

I have a long time familt friend, and we have spoken quite frankly about it, shes only had sex a few times, and she is near 60 now.Shes been in a long term realtionship for 25 years, with no physical relations at all. Mostly, in part to what she was told about it growing up, the poor woman cant even have a smear test without having to be sedated. Its so sad and such a shame.

Partytime, sounds like you have a good attitude with your kids about it, and thats how im going to be with my DD about it. I dont care what anyone else says.

I also, have never cheated, and never would.

I think an emotional affair would be worse, far worse. But i expect its different for every individual. An emotional affair, yes, devestating.... maybe not recoverable from, a one night stand, yes, recoverable.

I'm exactly the same and have wondered if that makes me strange or somehow emotionally lacking. I always struggled to explain that to my exh who saw sex as something totally sacred and always evidence of a deep and meaningful connection. I was the third person he had ever slept with when I met him at age 25. I think he was my 33rd (roughly - I don't keep count) I am not ashamed of that number because I don't see a problem with it. I never hurt anyone. I have never broken up a marriage or slept with anyone who I knew to be in a relationship.

When we split up, my exh told me that he wanted me to tell him as soon as I slept with someone else. It was a strange request, but it was so significant to him. Odd.

I am not cold. I do love and care and all of those things, but sex is just sex after all. It is a physical connection and not, necessarily, an emotional one.

It's good to finally hear that I'm not alone.

life - well said. Im really pleased im not alone in this either, for years ive thought that there must be something wrong with me.

why dont people talk about it a bit more, why isnt it shown in media a bit more?

i think very similarly to you op.

if we are freaks we can be freaks together

I have always said that emotionally, i could work on the game. (i wouldn't of course for various other reasons) I would find it quite easy to just have sex with no emotional ties.

I was what could be considered a bit of a slut/slag in my youth. Because i saw sex as a fun way to pass the time.
to me it was the same as a game of snooker, if you had a willing partner it was a great waste of half an hour.

Having sex with DP is fantastic but i agree with dogfish with his comment about it being better with someone you love being the same as going to the cinema. doing anything with someone you love is better than with a stranger. obviously.

All the women I know love porn, can shag randoms and not care. I dont think I have ever met anyone that cared about losing their virginity. When I was at school I dont think I knew anyone that was still a virgin at 15 and I dont think I know anyone that was in a relationship when they lost their virginity, certainly noone I have ever known. I love porn and have been watching it with all the girls since I was 12/13. I had been with 13 people by the time I was 18 and I am seen by my friends as the good one! Im only young though so its just the way things are now I dont think anyone sees sex as a big deal. I think all that stuff is normal. I dont do mushy my only sex rule is I always come first lol