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Original poster

little value on sex

55 replies

ponderingthought · 08/07/2010 10:56

I have often wondered this.
Its not something that is new, ive always felt that way. Sex is great, its the most fun thing, and i really enjoy it, but it is, just sex.

Its not a big deal. I have no emotional ties to it.

Speaking frankly to a new boyfriend over the last couple of weeks, ive realised my attitude is quite unusual and i wonder why im this way.

OP posts:
partytime · 08/07/2010 20:10

I think my exh saw sex as something precious too, to be with a loving partner, he had only had sex with me AFAIK until OW, one of his reasons for the affair was that he wondered what it would be like with someone else.
Me on the other hand, I had been with about 6 people by the time I got it on with exh.
Nothing special just teenage experimental sex.IYSWIM.

TumTumGnu · 08/07/2010 20:11

I think I can join your gang. I've often had ons and found it very enjoyable. I see no problem with casual sex at all as long as you are open about the fact that this is all it is. I was also rather calculating about losing my virginity. I decided that it was time, found a nice but rather dull young man and got it over with. I've never seen what all the fus is about! I think sex can be an important part of love and a relationship but they are not dependant on each other by any means.

I do have a little confession though. If I'm thinking of starting a longer term relationship with a guy I like to get the whole first sex thing out the way as soon as possible so we can decide if we actually like each other or just wanted to shag like bunnies. I worry that otherwise you might wait and then suddenly roll over in bed after the first time and realise they are actually quite boring. Is this terribly wrong of me?

overmydeadbody · 08/07/2010 20:21

OP I have the same views on sex as you do really, that it's just sex, and it's fun, and I'll do it if I want to and not always connect it with love.

As someone else said, it's perfectly healthy to feel this way as long as you stay safe and don't hurt anyone.

overmydeadbody · 08/07/2010 20:23

Good lord sunny, where did you grow up?

TDiddy · 08/07/2010 20:37

I agree that sex with the one that your lurve can be very very special. But there is other types of very enjoyable sex.

It is healthy to have enough (safe) sex to make you glow and feel good inside.

AandO · 08/07/2010 20:46

I'm another one that just views sex as fun.

Am married and so only have sex with dh of course now, but I think of love and sex as separate things. Well, I think I could have sex without love (and have done in the past), but you can't have love without sex.

I spoke to my dh about it recently. Just a purely theoretical conversation. We have a good sex life now, but I said to him what about in the future if we were totally happy together but didn't have sex, would it be acceptable to go out and get it anywhere, without any emotional attachment, provided it was open and not a secret. He said no, that we would divorce in that case. I view them as seperate, he does not. But I do see his point, he feels that if I did something like that then we would no longer have a happy marriage, that it would eat away at the marriage. We both also agreed that it would not be possible to have both a sexless marriage and a happy marriage at the same time and so the problem would never arise.

sunny2010 · 08/07/2010 21:58

overmydeadbody - I livd in the midlands and the south. I moved around an all the places I just how it is nowadays you just wouldnt want your mum knowing lol

sunny2010 · 08/07/2010 22:00

err that came ou with a few mistakes its meant to say I have moved around and all the places I have lived have been the same. Its just how it is nowadays.

TDiddy · 08/07/2010 22:06

AandO - i know what you mean

BertieBotts · 09/07/2010 00:12

Interesting thread. I am actually the opposite - I can't help placing an emotional value on sex. Sometimes I wish that I could just do it for fun or just for the sake of it, but when it comes down to it, I just don't find someone sexually attractive unless I actually like them and could see myself with them. You could place a horny, sex-starved Johnny Depp in front of me and I'd be quite content for him to keep his clothes ON

I have to disagree with the notion that people who do have an emotional connection with sex see it as "some precious thing" - obviously I can't speak for everyone but in my experience it isn't like that at all - it's just a lack of desire unless there is a connection there on another level first - like someone said earlier she needs a sexual connection to be able to love someone, I could happily have a loving relationship with someone without sex (and have to not neessarily love someone, but be heading that way, to actually want them sexually in the first place).

Anyway, didn't want to crash the thread or anything, just wanted to put the opposite point of view across! I guess that most people are in the middle somewhere and see sex in a relationship to being something separate from casual sex. Also FWIW I think I would be more hurt by an emotional affair than a sexual betrayal, but I think that's beause I've always been aware that I have a fairly low sex drive, and that other people tend to have sex more "easily" than I do (that's not quite the right word, but I can't think of a better one).

Mumcentreplus · 09/07/2010 00:18
Hmm
SolidGoldBrass · 09/07/2010 00:55

What a wonderfully cheering and inspiring thread. I'm not knocking those who have to be in 'love' to shag, but basically that's just another fetish, and as with all fetishes, fine as long as you find a likeminded partner to do it with.

I intend to bring my DS up to regard sex as first and foremost something to be enjoyed, and that if one person isn't enjoying it, then something's wrong and it should stop.

Mumcentreplus · 09/07/2010 01:10

being in love is a fetish?...go figure

ItsGraceActually · 09/07/2010 01:16

Pffft. My weirdy upbringing gave me to attach FAR too much importance to my blummin' virginity - even though I knew it's just a name for "not having done something yet". Result: I didn't have sex with my nice boyfriend at 17 and was first penetrated by a drunk bloke, in what would now be called a date rape, at 21. Pffft.

Never mind, I made up for it after I'd split with XH#1, and embarked a cheery career of friendly sex. Whyever not?

As I'm now involved in a searching review of life and self, I'm not having any sex at all (hardly ever with myself, even, though that will change soon). It complicates my relationship with myself. I have realised I'm incapable of having good sex without my feelings becoming involved. My feelings are my current focus, so I choose to keep them as unencumbered as possible for now.

During my joyful shagging decade, though, I freely "brought myself" to sex, no matter how random, because I get a better time that way. I always "brought myself back" by breakfast time

It's fun. Don't knock it.

hobbgoblin · 09/07/2010 01:26

Yes, fetishism is about the attachment of sexual meaning to non-sexual parts of body/objects/acts isn't it?

Love is and can be non-sexual. When you love in a sexual way it becomes fetishistic.

Men have had animalistic sex for yonks, women have always had to wait for love before allowing themselves or being 'allowed' to enjoy sex. That is why school/your mother tries to tell you not to shag the first boy who makes your fanjo tingle and rather wait until you feel you have him at least a quarter down the road to marriage or some kind of half decent commitment.

ItsGraceActually · 09/07/2010 01:35

Did you know that, until the 1980s, Catholic women (especially Irish women, as that's where the Masters & Johnston study I'm referring to took place) thought they'd been possessed by a demon if they had an orgasm???!!

They had to confess & do their penance.

ItsGraceActually · 09/07/2010 01:38

*posessed. And I may have got the dates wrong, however it was far later than you would have thought (in the Sixties, it still applied to most women. I reckon the female orgasm was the main driver behind the hippy revolution!)

CheerfulYank · 09/07/2010 01:54

It really depends on the person. I've had sex with a handful of people and am also very "varied" and sexual. It's the best ever with DH, maybe because we're just compatible that way or maybe because we're so in love. Who's to say? I know that if either of us slept with anyone else, even if it was "just sex", the other person would be absolutely gutted because for us, sex is something that we only do with each other.

But I don't judge others for their sex lives, certainly. Sex is great! As long as it's between two consenting adults it's fine, IMO.

So no, OP, what you're describing is obviously normal for you and quite a few others.

BertieBotts · 09/07/2010 02:53

YY Grace. If anyone is interested, google "hysterical paroxysm" - pretty interesting readin

SolidGoldBrass · 09/07/2010 09:59

It's also the case that a lot of people have crap sex with the person they love, especially if they have been brought up with the idea of 'saving themselves' for commitment. Because what often happens there, particularly for women, is that the first few times are thrilling because you're ACTUALLY DOING IT. But, as fumbling clumsy over-excited men don't necessarily make the best sexual partners for women in terms of technique, the woman soon starts to find the sex unsatisfying. Again, the message in her head is that great sex only happens when you;re in love, so this must be as 'great' as sex gets - and if she does read about wonderful orgasmic complicated sex that other people have, she probbly puts it down to wrtiers' imaginations - or thinks there's something wrong with her. If she 'loves' the man she will grit her teeth and say nothing, just gradually finding more and more ways to have less and less sex.
OF course, sometimes people marry as virgins but are fortunate enough to be broadminded people open to suggestions, and they learn about good, intersting sex together - but a lot of the time people still end up in this mindset that sex in longterm 'proper' relationships is something men need to do to women, and women should just put up with it - or go shopping for more lingerie and candles, or 'go out to dinner' as foreplay (You know, cunnilingus would be cheaper...).

NinaJane · 09/07/2010 11:29

Count me in. Me and dh doesn't make love, we fuck. Plain and simple. For the pure enjoyment of it. I had a bf (was with him for 4.5 years) who insisted on doing the whole soft-focus (dimmed lights and/or candles), violins playing in the background, lovingly caressing the contours of my body with his fingertips and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. It drove me fucking nuts and not in a good way.

I love sex. I love the having the Big O. The quicker I can have it the better. I can't stand foreplay. It bores me to tears. Just fuck me hard and fast. Then switch on the telly and have a delicious snack. We love each other, but don't feel the need to express that love during sex. I do not mind if other people do. Each to their own.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2010 16:54

NJ, I like your style

I have frequently said on here how much I hate the "feathery stroking" kind of sex. Little kisses and all that kinda crap...just cut to the deed, man, and stop messing around...

MaamRuby · 09/07/2010 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulV · 09/07/2010 20:09

Oh dear, I'm a right mix then. SGB, both me and my first boyfriend (I was 19, he was 24) were virgins and we were fortunate enough to be some of the few that "learn about good, interesting sex together" as you put it. I was also in love with him and I don't really like to have sex without love; I have done, but it's not my preferred way of doing things, and I also find it very difficult to separate sex and love.

HOWEVER, I'm with NinaJane and AF; I find all the moony eyes and tickly featherlight stroking just maddening. Hard, fast and loving ta very much. Err, is that possible? I think it is

LittleMumSmall · 09/07/2010 21:13

I adore sex and have had plenty since my teens (now mid-30s) with boyfriends, fiances, complete strangers...never needed to feel 'in love'. Sex has brought me together with some amazing men and I feel grateful that I will have wonderful memories of shared pleasure when I'm old and grey!

DH was a virgin when we met 6 years ago and is still quite shy with me, but I like playing teacher I have discovered that loving him has made a difference to the way I feel about sex, and although guiltless affairs were commonplace for me in my 20s I'm not sure I could have a dalliance now without feeling some guilt.