I'm thinking of leaving :-( (boring, skip to last paragraph)

[SilveryMoon]

I won't bore you too much, but I will off-load a little with a bit of background.
Me and dp have been together for 4 years. We have 2 children.
I feel that he doesn't do enough to help and support me.
he works full time and I am a SAHM but will soon be starting a part-time job and will be looking for a childminder for the ds's.
Dp has never been very hands on with the boys, he never takes them out just on his own or does anything with them. n the rare ocassion that I manage to get a lay in, he just ignores them and leaves them watching the telly.
Once, I stayed in bed until 11 am and the children weren't even dressed!

I don't get any emotional support from him, he never just gives me a hug, all physical contact has to lead to sex, but as I don't want to have sex, we don't have any physical contact.
I just got offered a job after not working for 3 years and he didn't even congratulate me, or when I started studying for a diploma he has not offered any ebcouragement or support.

I have tried and tried to have that conversation with him about how I need some help, but nothing ever changes, and part of me thinks he'd be more use to me if we split because at least then he would have to see the children on his own and I'd get a break.
I've just had enough.

But I can't leave. I don't have anywhere to go. He owns the flat we live in and I don't have any money.
What can I do?

sounds like your in turmoil i think that you should do the relate thing and see what happens after that x

No, no, it's always incredibly difficult to try & gain objectivity on your own life Silvery! I do so hope you'll get yourself to a decent counsellor; they're the people with the training to help you figure out your own mind & feelings.

It may not seem obvious, but I think most of us here DO understand where you're coming from and are hoping, in our different ways, to offer you the prompts to help you think stuff through. We know what it's like

Personally, I couldn't be happy with a 'partner' who required micro-managing all the time. It's taken me long time to reach that conclusion, though, and a hefty slice of mistake-making. I wouldn't presume to tell you what you want! But I do encourage you to keep examining your life, and to seek counsel with it

HI Silvery,

I second what Grace says here.

I personally would not want to micro manage someone the whole time; doing so is not healthy for either of you.

Do keep us posted, you need to do ultimately what is right by you.

He hasn't done anything terrible.....apart from giving you no physical or emotional support. You are basically his domestic help. I think that's lame of him. You need to go to Relate.

Hi SM, sorry you are having such a tough time. I know you and your DP have had some real ups and downs over the past few years and as you know, DH and I have also had our moments. I was contemplating leaving as you know a few months ago but I decided to stick it out for a while and I think we are getting somewhere.
I know things have been hard for you, financially and in other ways and I know how much you were looking forward to your holiday last week which didn't go as wel as you'd hoped. You have been under so much stress with the various illnesses you and the boys have had but you've got through it and not only that, you've started your studies and got a job offer. I can understand you being pissed off that DP was not openly supportive of this but remember, he is a man and they don't think of things in the same way we do. I've often been disapointed when my DH hasn't reacted or commented on things I've done felt hurt but sometimes I've later found out he didn't realise how important is imput/praise was.
(I hope that makes sense?)

I think the most important thing here is communication and you have taken that step. If he will go to counselling then great, that is a positive step and hopefully you can resolve matters. Please however remember that it is not a good enough reason just to stay with him because of the DC or finances. That is the wrong reason to stay.

I hope you manage to get somewhere with your talk and remember, you know where I am x

Thanks mos grace Attila and everyone else.
We have had a little chat. I told him I needed to have a no holds barred talk, where we could both say anything we needed to say without the other one getting angry pr upset and that I needed to say a few things in order to get my mind straight and I needed him to listen.

I told him that I have been feeling really low the past week or so (again) and that I'm unsure how happy I am.
We spoke about why we first fell in love, we spoke about my expectations and the emotional support I would like to have from him.
We acknowledged that we both have issues inbedded in us from our parents and how that's how we all learn about 'normal' relationships.
We spoke about the inequalities in our relationship and how important I think it is that dp gain a stronger bond with his children that will only be brought on through time, effort and activity;
We spoke about our duties as parents and what we (well mostly me) want for our children.
He says he will do anything I need him to do because he loves me and is happy with me and our family. he said he will go to Relate, he said that whenever I am feeling low or need a break, to just let him know, that I should plan something for myself etc and he will have the children (I will be going to the cinema on his payday on my own or I might actually ask a friend to babysit so we can go together. Yes that will be nice I think)
I told him that when we first got together, he made me feel safe, wanted, cared for, loved and special. He asked what has changed, he says that he isn't doing anything differently so I told him about how good he was through my first pregnancy, how he'd come back from work and see me struggling working the bar, so he would take over the business that night and let me sit down or go up to the flat and relax etc and he says he did that because he hated to see me uncomfortable and struggling, so I told him I am still struggling and need his help. He says he didn't realise I was finding things difficult and that if he is not working, that he will do whatever I need, but that I may have to mention it because he doesn't like to try to take over from me because I have control issues. Which I do, he is right. I am quite anal and obsessive and I once re-did the washing up becuase he didn't do it in the right order (crazy chick). I know you're all wondering why I didn't tell you all earlier that I am a bit of a loon.

But he has agreed to bath the kids on a tuesday and thursday and to be responsible for dinner, the washing up and cleaning of the kitchen on a wednesday and to make wednesday our kind of in-door date night.
He is keen to keep most of his free time as family time, he wants us all to be together, which translates to I am happy to tag along, but you have to look after the kids, but that when I need, i can shoot off for a bit and he will have the boys.
Sounds good. It is a start.
he even gave me a hug without touching my arse or chest!

We will see.

I don't mind having to micro-manage him for a while, it might be a little like training, and hopefully after a while, he'll start thinking about other peoples needs and desires too.

Hey, that's great.

FWIW, I'm usually one of the posters on here gently encouraging women to see that they're being abused. And I have very little patience with the "oh but he works fulltime" argument, because I work fulltime, am the main breadwinner, and still, when we're both home, do half the housework, half the childcare, half the night wakeups and almost all of the cooking. But because I'm female, I get told that I'm lucky to have such an equal relationship.

I have little patience with "he's just a man they don't see housework" and other such tripe, too. Utter tosh.

But in your case, I think it's definitely worth making an effort. Your (personal) attitude towards the money needs addressing; it's family money, not his money. Your childcare and housework services are contributing to his ability to earn the money, so it belongs to both of you. If you didn't do what you do, he wouldn't be able to do what he does.

It sounds like he is good at helping when he sees that you need help, and good at taking advantage and being a bit lazy when he thinks you have it under control. That's selfish, but it's fixable. Keeping most of his free time as family time - I can see both sides of that; I can see that you badly need some alone time but as a fulltime working parent, I can tell you that I crave family time on the weekends - I miss my child, and I also miss my husband, and I love it when the three of us spend time together as a team.

I agree with sunny that it's worth looking at time alone in the evening - not clubbing, necessarily, but even just going out with a friend for a glass of wine or doing a yoga class or something? Get over the guilt about the money and just go out sometimes. It will help.

Good luck. It sounds really positive.

silverymoon - See I thought that would work, good luck with it.

tortoiseshell - If you are the breadwinner and your husband isnt working I think it should be him that does most of it. When my husband has time off and I dont I dont lift a finger its 100% up to him when he isnt working. I would not except my husband making me do half if he was not working, no way.

Thanks tortoise and sunny I am feeling much better today, thank God.
I am remembering that he just doesn't always think. I also need to remember that he is not a mind reader, and seeing as he is not emotionally in-tune with me, I need to tell him straight away when something is bothering me, how is he to know if I just try to ignore it. he cannot be expected to fix something if he is unaware it causes others upset.

It's already looking a bit better, I am looking after my friends 2 children this afternoon for a few hours, but am going over to their house this morning for some time in their massive paddling pool so dp told me to call him in a few hours and he will come over and drive us all back here, which he normally wouldn't have offered.

I just also want to say thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read all this and reply. It really does mean alot that you were all here when I needed you.
I know some of you won't agree with my decision to try again with him, and some of you will think I'm not thinking of my children, but I really don't think he is manipulative, sometimes (even during our talk last night) I just think it's not that he doesn't care, it's that he doesn't really know how to iyswim.
I love him, he loves me and the children adore him, I do believe that we can be a happy family, but that our main focus needs to be on open communication.

thank you all again so much xxx

Sunny, my husband is a fulltime PhD student - his hours are more flexible and a little shorter than mine are, so he does more of the childcare, but he does put in a 35 hour "work week".

But yes, on principle, I agree; it seems that the "working fulltime means not having to do housework" argument only ever relates to men working fulltime.