I'm thinking of leaving :-( (boring, skip to last paragraph)

[SilveryMoon]

I won't bore you too much, but I will off-load a little with a bit of background.
Me and dp have been together for 4 years. We have 2 children.
I feel that he doesn't do enough to help and support me.
he works full time and I am a SAHM but will soon be starting a part-time job and will be looking for a childminder for the ds's.
Dp has never been very hands on with the boys, he never takes them out just on his own or does anything with them. n the rare ocassion that I manage to get a lay in, he just ignores them and leaves them watching the telly.
Once, I stayed in bed until 11 am and the children weren't even dressed!

I don't get any emotional support from him, he never just gives me a hug, all physical contact has to lead to sex, but as I don't want to have sex, we don't have any physical contact.
I just got offered a job after not working for 3 years and he didn't even congratulate me, or when I started studying for a diploma he has not offered any ebcouragement or support.

I have tried and tried to have that conversation with him about how I need some help, but nothing ever changes, and part of me thinks he'd be more use to me if we split because at least then he would have to see the children on his own and I'd get a break.
I've just had enough.

But I can't leave. I don't have anywhere to go. He owns the flat we live in and I don't have any money.
What can I do?

Thanks attila You are confirming my worst thoughts.
Wow.
I think I will talk to him later, tell him i am on the verge of leaving and tell him how unhappy I am and see what he says. If he says he wants us to stay and he will help me more, I will give it 3 months to see a difference and then I will go.
Does that sound fair?

Silvery,

re your comment:-

"But come on, in all seriousness, ds1 is nearly 3 years old, and I can count on my fingers how many times he has been out of the house with dp alone, surely that's not normal?"

No it is not normal. He is being remarkably selfish here and what is worse is that he does not give a damn that he is hurting you this way.

This man is holding all the cards here and you have relinquished all the power. This is all about power and control really; he rules the roost.

Silvery - if you stay with this man it will not get any better for you. Your children are already staring to order you about!.

You have a choice re him ultimately, your children do not. Is this man really the ideal role model for them to look up to and follow?.

If my dc learned to say "get back in the kitchen and do the cooking" from his dad he would also have learned "you can f*ck right off" from me!

Don't accept this behaviour. From anyone.

sunny I can't really go out in the evening. All the money we have is his and he never goes out so I feel guilty spending his money like that, plus after a long day (the boys get up at 5/5:30) I'm just too tired, then there's other stuff I need to do, I'm studying atm and there's things around the house that need to be done, and I'm just so tired.
I'd love to be able to spend the weekends as a family, but it is just so stressful, even a walk down the highstreet ends in tensions because he hasn't the patience for ds1 walking.

We also have different parenting styles. I don't like too much yelling, I prefer to give warnings and then punishment (like naughty step etc) but do wil just shout "stop acting up" wtf? Sometimes I don't even know what they are doing wrong when he says that.
he has no sense of picking his battles, so what if they are playing with the saucepans, if they are not hitting each other or crying, the it's all good IMO but he just drags them out of the kitchen and plonks them infront of the telly.

all i can add (from viewpoint of a lone parent)is if you're feeling tired and lonely now,as you state you do,then times thatr by 5 once you are a lone parent too!

tou might think he'll be forced into doing weekend childcare...thats a nice little fantasy...but in reality you cannot make him take up any access to his sons. it will be all up to him...so be aware that you could well end up with out that

"I think I will talk to him later, tell him i am on the verge of leaving and tell him how unhappy I am and see what he says. If he says he wants us to stay and he will help me more, I will give it 3 months to see a difference and then I will go.
Does that sound fair?"

Silvery,

Hmmm.

I would have someone with you when you tell him you are on the verge of leaving just incase he turns his rage on you and becomes violent. Not suggesting he would actually turn violent towards you but you need to be safe.

I would also make contact with the CAB and council offices to see where you stand with regards to alternative housing accommodation. I would not be staying there another 3 months either.

critter I don't know where he got that phrase. Dp has never said it to my face, but he must have said it behimd my back.
But then ds1 always asks me what I'm doing when I go in the kitchen. I have a stair gate across the kitchen so they can't get in there when I am cooking (I am a bit clumsy) so when he calls "mummy, what are you doing?" I say "I'm just in the kitchen cooking. What are you doing?" so maybe it just comes from that.......?

Silvery

Re that phrase uttered it may do but equally it may not. He has heard that from somewhere, most likely his Dad. Its being addressed to you.

Regardless of that though you are both imparting damaging lessons regarding relationships to these two children. This manchild is patently selfish and not bothered and you're showing them that your poor treatment of you by him is acceptable to them.

Attila He would not get violent. he may be alot of things, but he is not a violent man. I am 100% confident that he would never ever ever hurt me or the children physically no way ever, it just wouldn't happen.

I did leave a couple of years ago, I packed a suitcase and took ds1 to my mums and we stayed there, it only lasted 1 night, dp called and was very upset saying he didn't want us to part, so we came back (I was pregnant with ds2 at this time)
so I think the worst that would happen, would be dp would get upset, maybe cry and i would change my mind.

Attila Can I ask then, IYO, what would be the way forward? As he works full time, what should i expect of him?
What should I tell him needs to change and quickly?
What is a good balance to teach my children equality within the family?

I think the problem here silvery is he is stressed because he is working and has no money and he sees it as you being at home not having to work.

You see it as he is working and has loads of time off and doesnt give you a break.

I think things will get easier when you start your job and have money coming in. You will be able to go out at night seperately and chill out on your own. That will help put things in perspective for both of you I think and then when you are together might make things less stressful.

I do think when you are stressed it makes it more difficult to parent, and if it is then causing arguments between you it is probably making it worse. It sounds like he doesnt know what to do when they start messing around as he hasnt had much contact with them and probably feels insecure in his parenting. I would try and talk to him without shouting and see what he says.

You need to make time together even if it is just staying in on an evening. Watch dvds, play games and get close again. He probably dreads coming home to you and the tensions as much as you dread him coming back at the mo.

Tell him you are moving out with a view to sorting things out if that is possible. During that time he will have to go to Relate, move mountains etc and then if he has proved his worth you will consider rekindling your relationship. What have you got to lose?

sunny I think you made some valid points there.

Why does everything have to be so complicated.

Last night I sat here crying and he didn't even ask me what was wrong, is that because he doesn't care or he's afraid of what I might say?

Silvery,

I want you to be safe when you tell him as it won't go down well regardless of how you tell him. He probably will cry again (with him that is a very manipulative behaviour designed to tug at your heartstrings). He's playing you like a violin.

He was only upset you left him last time because he then had no-one left to service him. It worked last time and it may work this time too.

Do not fall for it again - look what has happened since last time you came back. Now you have two children and he is still acting the same as before, perhaps even worse now than back then.

critter what if he doesn't do any of those things though? I lose him and although we all agree that he is a useless, selfish git, I do love him

SilveryMoon, I'm guessing that your children are quite young and still at the age were they are dependant on you for pretty much everything and that their demands are constant. I had DC2 & 3 quite close together and found the demands of a 1 yr old and a 3yr old overwhelming and I have a very supportive DP.

Yes your DP is working but so are you. Being a mum to small children is exhausting, the hours are very long and the pay is rubbish! I completely understand why you feel so desperate for some time on your own, or not to be the decision maker for a change.

To me it seems like you need to be completely honset with him about how you are feeling. Practise what you want to say beforehand so it doesn't come out sounding like an attack, 'I feel....' rather than an outright 'You don't do anything' may result in a more constructive conversation than if he goes on the defensive.

There is no doubt that your DP is not pulling his weight and you are bound to feel resentful towards him which will only make the situation feel worse.

Do you want to carry on with this relationship? I get the feeling that you have already made your mind up that you would be better off without him but it is the financial situation that is keeping you there?

Yes attila maybe you are right, Again

Maybe a trial seperation is the only way to go

Buck yes, my children are coming up 3 and 18 months.
I think it is the finacial bit that keeps me here more than anything. God how awful does that sound. he is paying off my credit card, he pays for my phone, he is paying for my study course (not sure if he knows that though)
And I have nothing to even get me started. My savings went on the deposit of the flat

Silvery

Being apart from him would be a way forward as it would show him you are being serious and that there are consequences for his actions and lack of.

He may work full time but so do many people and they do not have such a fundamental imbalance of power within their relationship. You previously stated that you in effect are a single parent with another person to look after. His sole idea of parenting is to shout, "stop acting up" at the children!.

Counselling for your own self would be helpful, he would be very unlikely to go to Relate because he at heart feels he has done nothing wrong.

You were crying last night and he did nothing to comfort you?. That's likely because he does not give a damn as well.

You and your children deserve far better because currently you're all being dragged down with him. If this is representative of how the past 4 years has been and I do not doubt otherwise, then the next 4 years does not bear thinking about.

BTW what is this mans parents like, what he has learnt is clearly deeply rooted.

My husband works full time and more, is abroad a lot and often works very long hours. When he is home he cooks every meal, helps around the house etc. Every Saturday morning he take the three dc's swimming and I get a break.

He did find it hard when we went from one to two children and was a little freaked by looking after two, but he soon worked it out.

Your DP is being totally unreasonable, if you love someone you help them and he's supposed to want to be with his kids.

Silvery

And that's another thing - why do you love such a man?.

Did you meet him at a time when you were yourself very vulnerable, had you at that time not long left another poor relationship?. You do not of course have to answer those questions but if you did answer "yes" then you need to take steps so you do not repeat the same types of relationship errors. This is where the couneslling for your own self comes in.

He is not worthy of you and you are worth more. Love your own self for a change.

attila He hasno contact with his mother at all, he says she is a mean and selfish woman who does not deserve people to care about her.
his parents seperated when he was about 8 I think and he didn't see his dad until he was about 18/19.
Glad you brought this up actually. Dp's dad has not held or touched either of my children. We have visited 5/6 times (live quite far away) and there hasn't been much interest tbh.
Dp's sister won't have contact with either her mother or father and last time she saw her father was 11 years ago at dp's wedding to his x-w.

attila I have always had very low self-esteem and self worth.
We got together a week after I'd been dumped by my secret bf for somebody who worked for me, so i was not at my best, and did not think very highly of myself.
Maybe that's it, maybe I'm finally learning to feel like I'm worth something and am realising my life is not how it should be?

Silvery

There are loads of red flags there with regards to his overall background and how he also views his mother.

Thanks silvery. Thinks can be difficultif you havent got money and young kids but I think it it is not an abusive relationship then its how you handle these difficulties. I would never condone staying in a violent/abusive relationship but I think sometimes it is hard for both of you then some people start trying to see who has it hardest causing tensions.

I personally think as I get to have the fun times with our child that it means I have to do the interupted nights and the early mornings etc. I do this because he is on his feet all day in a hard, physical job whereas my job is very rewarding (both at home and when I am working at the nursery). As I give him those times in bed and stuff I go out once our daughter is asleep and I have put her to bed then once I have had a bit of space I feel laid back again.

It is more difficult for you as you have had 2 close together which I am sure adds a strain. If you love him and can remember why you got together then try and get back to that. Tell him how much you appreciate him for working and that you love him. Dont turn everything in to an argument and cause stress as soon as he walks in. Ask him how his day was etc and see if he responds nicely.

If you do these things and talk to him and still dont see changes then he probably is an idiot, but it is easy to let things get on top of you and how you feel about him, he probably feels about you and there is so much tension between you as soon as you see each other it starts back up again. You have to be a team in order to make things work.

I get tired sometimes as I have just finished a degree last month, work 25 hours and have a child. I know my husband works hard to in a hard job and he is doing a voluntary placement to change careers on top of that. Knowing that I am appreciated, and him knowing I appreciate his efforts is what keeps us going through the hard times.