What is infidelity?

[ItsGraceActually]

You know, many some men can convince themselves it's only cheating if there was penetrative sex ... some women people feel betrayed if their DP so much as hugs another. Then there's the whole emotional affair.

understanding

comfort

excitement

financial security

sociological expectation/public opinion

Interesting topic, this is my take on it.

I think that building & maintaining a relation with a partner/children is, for most people, hard enough these days.

Expending time/emotions on an extraneous person is somewhere between unfair & plain wrong.

This board is full of the fallout from such occurrences, but it would interesting to poll MNetters to gauge opinion.

My DW has previously said if I was ever unfaithful, I'd be out. 2 years into our relationship & 5 years before we were married, I took a work colleague out to dinner (we didn't live together before we were married).

Anyway, this girl had a massive rack & I was well, fascinated. So I took her to dinner, had a few beers & then dropped her off in a taxi before going home.

What was I thinking? I honestly had no intention of bedding her (or trying to), but you know what, this is where it starts. In my head, innocent enough, but well on the slippery slope. There was that buzz you get.

A few weeks later, my very shrewd then GF (ladies, you have this talent for logging seemingly irrelevant snippets) took a conversation about the price of fish around to what I was doing 3 weeks earlier.

Busted. And quite right too. She didn't rant & rave, but tearfully pointed out that I hadn't been truthful.

Wake-up call. I grew some, & grew up.

And there's the nub. It wasn't what I did, she wasn't concerned that I was out to dinner with a much younger girl with a hefty endowment (even with beer involved), but that I was being deceitful. And where would that lead?

Sorry for the ramble, but context you know.

...honesty

privacy

autonomy

15 years ago, I would have had zero tolerance on infidelity.

10 years ago, I didn't understand that I had a right to request it ...or the self-confidence to think I was worth it.

ThatBloke, hi. That's an interesting insight into the fickle nature of some, at times! While also being an encouraging reminder that self awareness can kick in, in time ...I do believe many things are surmountable with honesty.

..... but priorities change over time

Hi to you EcoMouse. I completely agree, that honesty can fix many problems. That said, there is often a lot of damage to then repair.

I'm reading your other thread on the subject, which opens this up to a whole different perspective

The subject of "Would you put someone wise?" if you knew their partner was cheating, has been debated many times on these boards.

My take on this has always been the same. I would give the partner the facts, tell them that I had no expectation that they would do anything with the information and will be telling no-one that we have had the conversation. I don't need to know about their lifestyle, the bargains they have made or the state of their relationship.

And the whole situation is made worse if the unknowing spouse thinks that others are gossiping about it - and their subsequent inertia, if they choose to do nothing.

As in everything, the person delivering the message needs to be very clear about their motives for doing so - i.e. giving people back an informed choice about their health (so sorry Eco ) or their relationship.

Lastly, message givers should own what they are saying and take responsibility for it. Anonymous letters are the absolute pits and offer no closure whatsoever to the deceived party.

WWIFN, completely agree about anonymous letters! ...and gossip and subsequent inertia. Not only is the wronged partner left to think 'why didn't someone tell me!' but almost as upsetting and extremely humiliating 'everyone seems to have known, but me'.

(To clarify my earlier post, I didn't 'thank the people I heard X had been seen with' obviously! I did thank the people who told me.)

I took him back for two weeks, a short while after the affair and birth (so, so broken, hormonal and confused! No family and in a sense, feeling betrayed by my closest friends). I had to know I was making the right choice in ending it.
The hospital told me I was probably rendered infertile by chlamydia, due to having it at the time of birth but obviously, I took precautions anyway - which failed. Two weeks after ending it fully and finally - I couldn't (wouldn't!) forgive what he had done to our baby or his behaviour towards me - I found out I was pregnant to him again.
Two babies within 50 weeks, 4DC in total and on my own.
X was recently charged with harassment - he would not leave me alone, despite the fact I was trying to recover from the affair, my father's suicide, my nanna's death and after everything he'd done
It's a long road to recovery from turbulance like that, isn't it?

I finally feel as if I'm regaining some control over my life. The DC are all happy, healthy, (one's also 'gifted and talented'! ) and I am with a NM who was a friend for some time prior to us getting together and would do literally anything to help me be and feel safe and happy - how amazing is that?!

WWIFN - if you are goiung to intervene then decent strategy you outline above. I can't say whether I would intervene as there are so many other issues to consider/judge.

EcoM- I am lost for words. Hugs

I completely agree with WhenwillIfeelnormal at 10:31:45. I would tell, for reasons much explained, and would do it exactly as you said, WWIFN. In fact, I have done.

Bloody hell, Eco. I'm so happy you're in a better place now!

Like you, I'm not sure whether love would be on my Top Ten list. It means so many different things, I rather specify what I want it to mean in my relationships.

Respect is a clear Number One for me!

Tentative numbers 2-9:
Admiration
Shared humour
Shared values on social-political matters
Shared attitudes to social & family activity
Mutual LIKING as people
Sexual chemistry & compatibility
Mutual support, consideration, care & concern etc
Agreement on fidelity (though I'm still not sure exactly what mine is!)

Great idea, TD

Things what I does need in a woman/Mrs Fonz:

1. Must be able to dance on one leg
2. Like all animals except flies and cockroaches
3. Like house music
4. Like soul music like Jill Scott and Luther (rip)
5. Not laugh/point at my paunch when I'm naked to the point of falling over
6. Think sheep are really funny coz like, they're woolly and have daft faces.
7. Admire the fact that I first bought a pair of Nike baseball boots (or rather my Mum did) in Xmas 1979.
8. Thank Allah every day that I have all my hair at 46 and most of my teeth apart from all the chipped ones but anyway let's not go into that.
9. Be pleased I'm not dead.

10. Must want to destroy capitalism.

Is that so much to ask?

Is that Mrs Fonz?

Great list ItsGraceActually

MrFonz - you are very (Californian?) funny.

My list, hmmm much thinking to do. Subject to revision here is a start:

1. Good person
2. Intelligent
3. Fun loving

4 Lots of good chemistry and all that goes with that!

1. Appreciates dancing or can dance
2. Likes children; can have fn with them
3. Politically aware even if we disagree
4. Agree n what we mean by infidelity

to be continued