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Original poster

Should I go to this wedding?

60 replies

Octavia09 · 07/07/2010 11:13

Sorry if this topic is in the wrong listing.

My family has been invited to a wedding. We have been really looking forward to it. Then an invitaion has arrived where there is a hint which gift to buy: something monetary, vouchers...

My husband and I think it is a very bad taste to ask for money or indicate a gift.
I have found a Wedding Gift Etiquette weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Wedding_Gift_Etiquette

"Asking for Gifts

It?s never acceptable to ask for gift. There are no loopholes to this rule. It?s bad form to request a specific gift, and it?s bad form to mention a gift registry on an invitation or special mailing. To review: it?s very bad wedding gift etiquette for the bride-to-be, groom-to-be, and their friends or family to hint for or recommend a gift. "

I now do not want to go there. My husband can decide whether he wants to go. I now have to think which gift to buy. I for sure know that our gift is not going to be monetary but still it will make me wonder whether it is going to be use will go to the bin.

So what do you think guys?

OP posts:
SagacityNell · 07/07/2010 11:15

You can't not go to the wedding just because they asked for vouchers!

Have the specifically asked for money? I wouldn't be happy handing cash over tbh.N i point blank refuse to buy Thomas Cook or similar!

katerum · 07/07/2010 11:17

It wouldnt bother me, but it obviously bothers you, so dont go.

msrisotto · 07/07/2010 11:18

Most wedding invitations come with a gift list. It is because it is a pain in the arse for the parents to receive a hundred odd calls about what to get, so it pre empts that. I'm sure the invite is not contingent upon buying a gift so if you begrudge that, feel free not to get them anything. If you want to get them a gift, then you know what they would like. Not a big deal.

usedtobe · 07/07/2010 11:18

i think its bad taste but very common in uk
people from work has wedding lists done and attached cards with details to the invite or once whey said that they want to go on honeymoon so money only please..

im not english and back home we are very generous when it comes to wedding gifts but newweds would NEVER ask or hint anything on the invite though!

Tillyscoutsmum · 07/07/2010 11:19

I do think its bad form to ask for money but there is no way that would stop me going to a wedding

cestlavielife · 07/07/2010 11:19

there is whole industry of wedding lsits - msot invites come with reference to one...if you dont want to give money, dont.

if you want to go, go,. if you dont, dont. but dont get het up over etiquette...

GroovyGretel · 07/07/2010 11:19

I'm going to go against the flow here, I'm sure, but it is traditional to buy a gift for a wedding, yes?

They want to make sure that they don't receive 47 scented candles, fruit bowls etc, so have made a suggestion.

You don't need to follow their decision if you so wish.

They want you to go and celebrate with them, and until the invitation you wanted to go.

So go. Buy a present. Make a gift. Or not. Start their lives together with joy, not narkiness.

EleanorHandbasket · 07/07/2010 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ttalloo · 07/07/2010 11:24

I don't understand why you would be put off going to a wedding just because the bride and groom have indicated what they would like to receive. Have you never heard of wedding lists?

We asked for money for our wedding for two reasons: one, we'd been together for years and had everything we needed, so a wedding list wasn't necessary; and two, I'm of Greek-Cypriot descent, and in our culture traditionally guests pin money on the bride and groom as they dance, rather than give presents.

It was important to me to have this tradition at my wedding, and I really wasn't bothered if people thought that asking for money (although we couched it in far more elegant terms than that in the wedding invitation!) was vulgar or in bad taste. All my relatives pinned money, many other guests did too, but we also received cheques in cards as well, and got only two presents.

And when it comes down to it, it's the bride and groom's day, not yours - you should be going with their flow, not judging them by your (rather outdated IMO) standards.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 07/07/2010 11:25

How very strange of you and very immature. It is not compulsory to buy them a gift, it is a guidleine.

ladylush · 07/07/2010 11:31

A lot of couples have lived together prior to marriage so have the usual household items. Makes sense to get them vouchers or give money.

traceybath · 07/07/2010 11:34

Oh no definitely don't go and tell them how rude they are for good measure

Seriously - you weren't going to turn up without a gift so whats the problem?

Original poster
Octavia09 · 07/07/2010 11:34

EleanorHandbasket stop being rude!
All I am asking is your view. I am not sure and that is why I am asking for your opinion. There is no need to be rude here.

Well, they want something monetary but how much is to little for them.

I think if you organise a wedding then it is your own business how much to spend on it; there is no need to ask for monetary refunds. Many people do not have money to organise big dinners and still do not indicate on monetary gifts.

They are our friends so we will probably go. We need just to think of a present.

OP posts:
Tillyscoutsmum · 07/07/2010 11:36

Its not a refund though is it ? Its a gift. Like I say, I'm not keen on it but it is very common. Just buy them a bottle of fizz and a nice photo frame and go along and have a good time

PortiaNovmerriment · 07/07/2010 11:36

I can't see the point of thinking of a present when you have already been told what they would like- regardless of your opinion of the etiquette.

Or you could just do what I am going to do with Eleanor's wedding and buy them the garden gnomes they didn't know they needed

EleanorHandbasket · 07/07/2010 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Octavia09 · 07/07/2010 11:41

I have not been to many weddings in my life. Well, if this is pretty normal then I am sorry to those who I have offended. I hope to find something useful though.
ttalloo, they are not English but I do not know whether they are going to follow their own traditions.

OP posts:
stellabeen · 07/07/2010 11:42

Octavia, I'm with you on this one. I think it's incredibly vulgar to either ask for money or put a gift list in with an invitation. Practical and increasingly common it may be, but it still comes across as greedy IMHO. However, I wouldn't decline the invitation on that basis, I'd just give them a gift that I thought that they'd like and I thought was appropriate. I do know what you mean though.

Original poster
Octavia09 · 07/07/2010 11:43

EleanorHandbasket

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 07/07/2010 11:43

Eleanor- shall I get ones that look like the seven dwarves and bring Disneyland to you?

nowwearefour · 07/07/2010 11:44

oh come on. it is now almost considered rude to not put a gift list in as peole then have to think much harder about what to get. i agree re vouchers/ money but if they have a list as well then you are just being really ridiculous and mean-spirited and quite selfish.

EleanorHandbasket · 07/07/2010 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Octavia09 · 07/07/2010 11:45

Thanks stellabeen. Obviously I will not buy a garden gnom but theere must be something nice and practical for their home.

OP posts:
ladylush · 07/07/2010 11:46

When we got married we'd lived together first for 10 years so pretty much had everything we needed. We stated in the invitation that we did not expect gifts - just the company of our guests....but that should they wish to get something vouchers would be appreciated. It seems a bit silly, out of date and wasteful for couples in such a situation to get a dozen toasters, electric blankets etc. for fear of upsetting a few rather old fashioned would-be guests.

BecauseImWorthIt · 07/07/2010 11:48

It has been common to include a gift list or a link to a gift list for years. We got married nearly 20 years ago () and this was very much the done thing then.

However, back in those olden days, it was still often the case that people didn't live together before they got married, and so the gift list usually comprised household things, so that the newly married couple could set up their new home - e.g. linen, crockery, glassware, etc

Nowadays, most people live together first, or have been living in their own homes before they get married, so such gifts can be redundant. Rather than people buy duplicates or unnecessary gifts, it is now more useful to receive money or vouchers.

I have no idea if this is 'etiquette' or not - but who decides what is etiquette anyway?!

It is customary to buy the couple a gift when they get married - but you can choose if it's what they have asked/hinted for or what you would like to give them - totally up to you.

But I'm really that you would even contemplate not going to a wedding because you've been given an idea as to what to give them!