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Original poster

Should I go to this wedding?

60 replies

Octavia09 · 07/07/2010 11:13

Sorry if this topic is in the wrong listing.

My family has been invited to a wedding. We have been really looking forward to it. Then an invitaion has arrived where there is a hint which gift to buy: something monetary, vouchers...

My husband and I think it is a very bad taste to ask for money or indicate a gift.
I have found a Wedding Gift Etiquette weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Wedding_Gift_Etiquette

"Asking for Gifts

It?s never acceptable to ask for gift. There are no loopholes to this rule. It?s bad form to request a specific gift, and it?s bad form to mention a gift registry on an invitation or special mailing. To review: it?s very bad wedding gift etiquette for the bride-to-be, groom-to-be, and their friends or family to hint for or recommend a gift. "

I now do not want to go there. My husband can decide whether he wants to go. I now have to think which gift to buy. I for sure know that our gift is not going to be monetary but still it will make me wonder whether it is going to be use will go to the bin.

So what do you think guys?

OP posts:
mjinhiding · 07/07/2010 11:49

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Flighttattendant · 07/07/2010 11:54

Can I just say that I actually HATE weddings? I hate all the fuss they create and the rules and etiquette and everyone getting angsty.

i hate them.
i would never want one and I don't understand why anyone else would, either. A marriage - yes, maybe, well only if you're sure - but weddings are a strange, complex excuse for being 'in charge of something'.

IMHO of course and no offence intended

EleanorHandbasket · 07/07/2010 11:55

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Message withdrawn

Needanewname · 07/07/2010 11:56

If I don;t know the couple that well I prefer a wedding list as it takes away the hassle of what to get, however if its someone I know well, I'm happy to buy off list.

I really do think that its odd that you know don;t want to go though because of the money / voucher thing. There must be another reason why you don;t want to go, otherwise I'd say yabu and very petty.

Original poster
Octavia09 · 07/07/2010 11:57

Congratulations mjinhiding! Good health and happiness to your family and lots of good luck.

Ok, now is another question. When to give a gift? Before the wedding or on the wedding day?

OP posts:
Flighttattendant · 07/07/2010 11:57

and btw, YANBU

traceybath · 07/07/2010 11:58

Someone I know got married recently and they are seriously loaded. They asked for netaporter vouchers

God - I wish I'd had the balls to ask for them

Original poster
Octavia09 · 07/07/2010 12:00

Needanewname, now I see that that is a very common thing I might consider going. It was putting me off but if it is common then it is a bit easier to accept it.

OP posts:
carolondon · 07/07/2010 12:01

At my wedding 2 years ago we asked for vouchers or a donation to the charity of our choice. About 3 quarters of the guests bought us vouchers and the rest donated money to the charity. We have saved the vouchers and are now spending them on the essentials for our first DC (due in a month).

As most couples do, we lived together first so had no need of toasters etc but knew we wanted to start a family so asked with that in mind.

I have never been invited to a wedding without an indication of what gift to buy with the exception of one that was abroad. (the bride and groom quite rightly felt that the guests had spent enough on flights/hotels)

Pidgin · 07/07/2010 12:15

As others have said this is really common practice now - I quite like getting a gift list with an invitation, at least that way I know I'm getting the couple something they really want rather than their seventh toaster. We had a gift list for our wedding but made it clear it was only for suggestions and that our main priority was having friends and family there on the day - some people didn't get us anything and that was fine by me.

One or two relatives got us truly hideous presents - not on our list - that we now have to wheel out if they come over. I would rather have had vouchers tbh - one person's original and thoughtful gift is another person's tasteless crap, at the risk of sounding ungrateful .

PlanetEarth · 07/07/2010 12:39

At our wedding we had a gift list but went with etiquette and didn't include it with invites, assuming people could ask if they wanted to know. Of course, not everyone thought to ask, and we ended up with 2 woks etc. (one of these people actually said he'd struggled to come up with a present, and so-and-so had had a gift list, which was a great idea...)

KERALA1 · 07/07/2010 14:16

Have you never been to a wedding before? A gift list is entirely normal and in my mind a god send. I remember one January it was freezing and rainy and we had 4 wedding invites all with gift lists at John Lewis. Just sat at computer for 1 hour chose and paid for stuff we knew they wanted, didnt have to leave the house, buy it, send it, deliver it etc just all done. I am grateful to wedding lists practical way for busy people to buy presents.

Weddings are fabulous very exciting and romantic. Abit sad for these cynics that complain about them

mjinhiding · 07/07/2010 14:52

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notalways · 07/07/2010 16:57

"vulgar"??!?!?!? eeewwwww....how horrid and snotty.

Your friends are including you in their very special day and you were looking forward to it until you discovered that they are "vulgar".

Wedding lists are good but I much prefer the request for money or vouchers, makes it easy and you know its not going to go to waste.

I've been to lots and lots of weddings and I can think of none which haven't requested either money, vouchers or provided a wedding list.

Original poster
Octavia09 · 07/07/2010 18:51

notalways Where did I mention "vulgar"?

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 07/07/2010 19:32

You should avoid Indian weddings Octavia - there guests hand over cold hard cash to the happy couple at the wedding party!

Bessie123 · 07/07/2010 19:39

Octavia, you sound very uptight.
I think you should get over yourself and give the gift these people want.

ItsGraceActually · 07/07/2010 19:40

And traditional Greek & Jewish, Kerala Pin the cash on the bride, no less! Vulgar indeed [shudders]

Posh English etiquette dictates that everybody should receive three dozen large, hideous vases that belonged to the donors' great-aunts. Which is probably why even posh people have a list!

Octavia - You send it, before the wedding. If you're buying from a list, the list manager will do it for you.

Original poster
Octavia09 · 08/07/2010 10:30

ItsGraceActually, ok then, I will send a gift before the wedding. They have not got a list of things though. They just mentioned monetary gifts, vouchers.

I (we) could have given them a voucher but how can I know whether the sum is going to be enough. Do you think £50.00 voucher from John Lewis is enough? Even though it would be very hard for us.

I have a very well off male friend who is going to get married in a few months. He might not have a wedding party because he hates it. But if he has one I cannot imagine him having a list of gifts etc. Not because he is rich but also because he is like that. I might be wrong, who knows.

Anyway, it looks as a very normal things. Almost everyone goes for it.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 08/07/2010 11:23

give what you can afford, honestly if they your friends and they know your situation eg you ahving to spend money on hotel etc - they wont be upset.

if £50 is too much give £20

if you usually spend £500 on a special gift for someone give £500 . if they going to go down the list asd say so and so only gave £10!!! then they not wworth ahving as firends....

shimmerysilverglitter · 08/07/2010 11:50

I think if lists are ok for weddings they should be ok for Birthdays too!

My list is at Mulberry for anyone who is interested .

saintmom · 08/07/2010 12:37

when me and dh got married we had allready been living toghether for 9 years and we had ds1 and i was pregnant with ds2, as we had everything allready we put on our invites that we didnt want any presents, or anything just to have a special day (we kept it small with ds1 being autistic anyway)

people came and either gave us money or baby vouchers for mothercare/toys r us.

i dont think its nice when people tell you what to get them, my db went to a wedding of one his best friends last years and they had list of things they wanted from john lewis, everything ranged from £100 + on the list if you dont like it then dont go

slug · 08/07/2010 12:53

When we got married, if people asked us what we wanted for a gift, we told them John Lewis vouchers. Our reasoning was this: We were in our 30s. We already had everything we needed. However, we had a baby on the way and our washing machine was on it's last legs. While we were not fussed about gifts (see above) it was nice to have those who wanted to, contribute to something practical.

We weren't expecting enough to buy the machine outright (one of our unemployed friends and my student brother contributed a £5 voucher each) but we were surprised in the end to find out that, not only could we afford a washing machine, we managed a few nice saucepans and a blender too.

I like vouchers as an idea. It saves you from getting 5 toasters and 3 steamers. It also means people can contribute within their means, that they don't feel pressured into spending more than they can afford, and yet it still allows the recipients to purchase something large that would have been out of the price range of any one guest.

stellabeen · 08/07/2010 13:08

notalways, it was me who said they find it vulgar, the behaviour that is, not the friends. I'd always give a generous gift and am happy to choose something off a wedding list and very often do to make sure that I'm giving the couple something that they would like or is useful. It's sometime more convenient too.

I just think it comes across as greedy if the list drops out with the invitation because it comes across as entitlement. Personally, I prefer to ask if there's a wedding list and then to be told about it.

Nevertheless, I was rather surprised to be invited to a family wedding where both of the couples were well off, had a fully furnished home each and a holiday home ie 3 complete homes and they put a wedding list in with the invitation because 'they wanted to do a house from scratch'. This list was sent to us after we'd agreed to provide a large chunk of the wedding reception as our gift.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 08/07/2010 13:12

I personally like it when a gift list in included in the invitation, I also don't mind if the bride & groom ask for money as a present. I would rather give them something that they want than not and it takes out all of the hassle of having to think about what to get them but that is probably just me.

If you don't want to go then don't.