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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What the hell am i supposed to do? I need you to be quick.

24 replies

Springchicken · 16/08/2005 18:03

DP and I have just had a blazing row, he lost it threw his keys really hard on the floor, picked up DD's toy box and threw it and started kicking her toys. she was so frightened i have never heard her cry like that.

He is supposed to be some decorating for my parents fr which they are paying his extremely well. It was supposed to be finished on Thursday but DP didn't had a couple of bits left to do, which he said he would go round at the weekend, then this changed to last night, now has changed to Thursday. I started moaning that it wasnt on to keep fucking them about and if i had done that to his mum he would go off his head. Started off as a normal disagreement where we kept going over the same ground then he lost and started throwing and kicking things.

I just don't know what to do, he has done this before, whe we have fiery arguements he oftens kicks and punches walls, doors etc.
We are supposed to be going on holiday in 4 weeks with my parents and whilst he was kicking and throwing things he was screaming that he isn't going on holiday with my "fucking mum and dad".

He hasjust walked out and got in the car, he came in and kissed DD and said sorry before he left in the car.

I am so gutted i just don't know what to do. i don't know how much of this i can take.
He is really unhappy in his job atm and is really down but i am sick of being the person that gets the raw ends of his moods.

OP posts:

Lonelymum · 16/08/2005 18:06

First things first, let him go off and calm down. He sounds like he is under pressure from somewhere right now. Leave things for a few hours. Just carry on with normal stuff for dd. Hugs to you.

dropinthe · 16/08/2005 18:06

Leave him alone to his tantrum-explain to your dd that it ok to get angry-we all do it-its NORMAL. He will be embarressed and come home when he is ready-that's what my dh does when he has his hissy fits.Sorry if I am making light of a horrible situ but your main concern is your dd and her feelings-sort her out first and let him cool down.

Lonelymum · 16/08/2005 18:08

hey dropinthe, great minds think alike eh?

dropinthe · 16/08/2005 18:09

Probably-been there and bought the T shit!!

Original poster

Springchicken · 16/08/2005 18:10

DD is only 13 months so doesn't understand but he has frighteneed the shit out of her!

I am so sick of his childish behaviour!

OP posts:

QueenOfQuotes · 16/08/2005 18:11

I agree with the others, I guess sometimes it's hard (especially for blokes) when they unhappy and down. Us women tend to find it much easier to tell our friends (be it RL or online) - and unfortunately it does mean that we get the rough end of the stick.

Is there any chance of him finding another job? Or if he's that low his Dr. signing him of sick with stress?

Lonelymum · 16/08/2005 18:12

You are wound up too though. Let the dust settle before you make any decisions.

SleepyJess · 16/08/2005 18:13

Let him calm down. This sounds to me like a real bloke-style stress explosion. Doesn't sound like the source is you, DD or even your parents.. but circumstances, or something. Our lives have become so stressful that my DH has also behaved like this several times even though he used to be really laid back.

Don't do anything rash.

SJ x

dropinthe · 16/08/2005 18:13

Sorry-you can't explain that to a 13 month old but then they have short memories so no real long term damage done.

SleepyJess · 16/08/2005 18:14

Yes it's unfortunate re the baby.. but none of us are perfect. Of course it's not ideal but DD won't hold it against him or be permanently damaged by it.

steffee · 16/08/2005 19:13

You say he's done this before - is it regular? Do you feel frightened of him yourself? Or just worried your dd will be/was scared? If it's regular or you think it might escalate into something more or you are frightened of him, you might want to think about contacting woman's aid or something. Could you talk to him and ask him to see his gp to consider some kind of counselling?

If I'm taking this out of context I do apologise, but your post sounds a bit desperate to me... I hope he comes back in a calmer mood.

steffee · 16/08/2005 19:14

Also, fwiw, I agree that he shouldn't have let your parents down like that.

Original poster

Springchicken · 16/08/2005 19:26

Well he has come back and apologised instantly. I asked him what he wanted me to say in response and he burst into tears

We have talked alot and it is all down to work, he is extremely down and dreads going to bed each night because he knows he will have to get up and go to work the next morning. On different occassions over this weekend his brother asked him what was wrong and said he didn't seem very happy. this has upset him alot as he didn't realise it was so obvious and didn't realise how it was affecting me and DD.
I have sent him to the gym to try and relax a bit and have a chance to think. I feel so bad, he is so miserable i don't know what to do.

I am going to have a surf on several websites now to see if i can find anything down the new job route.
My original post seems way over the top now, i wrote it in the heat of the moment. I didn't realise it was affecting him this much .

OP posts:

Lonelymum · 16/08/2005 19:27

Stand by your man Springchicken. It sounds like he needs you right now.

emily05 · 16/08/2005 19:31

Springchicken - I hope that you are ok. Is there anychance that he could retrain into a job he would like better?

Dh was like this. He hated his old job a lot and was similar to your dh. So he did an evening course and changed direction completely - that was 6 years ago and with study he has changed industry and is 100 times happier.

He even felt better just studying at first - even though he was in the job he hated he felt like he was doing something about it.

Original poster

Springchicken · 16/08/2005 19:35

Problem is we have a huge mortgage and there is no way i can pay ths on my wages whilst he learns something new. This is adding extra pressure on him as he knows we need the money, for him to have a new job he needs to be able to leave this job and into a new one straight away and on the sort of money we need, that isn't going to be too easy.

OP posts:

spidermama · 16/08/2005 19:47

Do you ever think about getting a smaller mortgage? Would it be possible to move to a smaller house or a different area?

This is something we're looking into at the moment. Anything to take a bit of stress out of life eh?

I recognise my dh in your first post springchicken btw. That kind of energy can be a real shocker can't it? Particularly those of us without testosterone.

We went to Relate and it helped a lot.

Original poster

Springchicken · 16/08/2005 19:49

We have some debt too Spiderama (not that you do but on top of the mortgage it doesn't help).
I have been thinking for a while about selling the house and renting for a while to get ourselves back on our feet.
We only moved here in January and it is our dream house, it would be so hard to let get of it.

OP posts:

spidermama · 16/08/2005 20:01

We also have debt SC. I'd happily let go of this house but have so far been unable to find a better option.
I've also considered getting a lodger, but we'd be pretty squeezed and I'd really rather not.

I guess something has to give.
Other wheezes I have dreamed up ...
Sell my cakes and scone to a local cafe.
Casual childcare for friends.
Birhtday party catering for friends.

emily05 · 16/08/2005 20:03

dh did his normal day job and studied at college at night time - so we still had his income (iyswim). Not sure of your sitaution and whether this would be any good. Also you can do courses at home (I am doing a degree with OU at home). But you can do courses in so many things now.

Original poster

Springchicken · 17/08/2005 18:08

Things are better today. We sat and had a loooong chat last night. We are going to go out on Friday night, to the cinema or something, and spend some time just us and try to go away for the weekend in a few weeks, for some different scenery.

Have been searching lots for jobs too, have applied for a couple today which is good.

Just thought i would keep you posted

OP posts:

emily05 · 17/08/2005 18:10

Springchicken - that is great! change of scenery is a great idea - some time away to chill out.
glad you are okx

Original poster

Springchicken · 18/08/2005 17:30

All arranged, we are going out tomorrow night, my mum is going to have DD.

We have had another long chat today and decided we will get our house valaued and then decide whether to put it on the market and rent to get ourselves straight financially.
Job search going OK, applied for another 2 job today.

OP posts:

Eaney · 18/08/2005 17:44

My DP was the very unhappy in his job and eventually left without having a new one to go to. WOuldn't reccomend this financially but it was the spur he needed to find another job.

So often we get stuck in a rut and can't find the way out but it sounds as if your DP is doing something about it.

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