What to do about my ex?

[beingsetup]

We split up a month ago, and so far its "amicable". However, he's starting coming round for an hour at day at his convenience. He is refusing to babysit at night at all, because I went on one date. He's always been really controlling and this is his latest way of controlling me. He knows I can't get/can't afford a babysitter. As far as I know he is out having fun 7 nights a week.

He is losing his kids through his lack of effort. I really want to tell him where to go but I know in the long run it's not the best idea.

We have lots of young dcs, and he knows exactly how hard/stressful it is, as well as working but he's not prepared to give me a break.

How do I deal with this????

How many dcs do you have?

Obviously I don't know all the details, but going on a date after splitting a month ago seems quite quick.

Do you have friends you can share babysitting with?

More than four and very full on, which is why I wouldn't ask friends to look after them!

We split up a while (several months) ago but he moved out a month ago. We had been staying together for the kids.

I have just spoken to him again and asked him to help a little more. His little one is crying for him it's really sad to see

dont use him for "babysitting".

dont let him round to "babysit" at your palce.

arange specific contact times for him to see the DCS at his place. then arrange your dates when you know it is his contact time - you dont have to tell him what you doing at all.

otherwise, organise your own babysitter for your dates/nights out.

thing is as well tho - if you have "lots of young DCS" then dont you have to accept that dating and nights out are off the menu? i havehad v few nights out since having kids... tho i can see and understand the resentment if he is now living a "single life" ...

Wow. That's not on. He needs to commit to some sort of co-parenting schedule when he properly has the kids, and they are in his care and you can rely on that. This will allow you a life too!!

You say it's amicable now, so it may be worth a couple of mediation sessions to get to this point.

I agree with a pp that he shouldn't come round to your home and babysit. That is your home now. You need boundaries.

As someone wrote recently on Mariella Frostrup's Observer column recently:

'People don't babysit their children. It's called parenting.'

Quote may not be exactly right, but he's being a dick and as other posters have said he needs to sort out his home for the parenting of his children. An hour a day is no way to conduct the co parenting. He needs full days and so do you. You can then have free time on your days without the children.

Its not about dating. I am working full time looking after the kids at least 16 and up to 20 hours a day and getting no break at all and they want and need something all the time.

Which is fine, I need some time off is all. I have tried suggesting times, but he comes round when he feels like it and for how long he feels like.

He wont arrange times in advance, and he always needs to go and see someone etc.

I basically need a break and im not getting one just because I did go out with a man once. He's just put all of the workload onto me and he's not really communicating at all.

He can only come round "when he feels likeit" and stay "as long as he wants" if you let him though. If you start telling him which times are inconvenient and not letting him in , or telling him he has to take the kids out rather than stay at your house, and you tell him how long he can have the kids for then he'll have to play things your way.
Most of the men I know jump through all sorts of hoops to get to see their kids. I don't think this is a good thing, but insisting on some sort of routine and not having him sitting round your house if it doesn't suit may get you both sorting out child centred arrangements.
He isn't there to be your babysitter when it suits you though.
My ex and I don't babysit for each other. we have the kids at prearranged times, at our own houses.