Made such a mess - I deserve the fall out

[howdiditcometothis]

I'll try to keep it short.

I've had a brief emotional affair with a married man. I'm also married. Both marriages very much on the rocks.

Background - things been very difficult at home, lots of stonewalling or crying and shouting for approx 2 years - no middle ground. I've spoken to my husband about divorce and living apart - he just got more angry than I've ever seen him and threw crockery across the kicthen (not at me). Raised it a few more times - can't get him to engage with the conversation. Felt completely emotionally numb for a long time.

Anyway, an inappropriate friednship between me and OM developed. Talked about feelings but never sex. In contact every day for last 6 weeks or so. Met in person three times, kissed but nothing more. After the last time we met, we spoke the next day decided that it was getting out of hand and needed to cool it and agree to be friends as neither of us free tp pursue anything other than friendship. Hard but the right thing. So, the contact cooled a bit but still in touch. In meantime, OM's wife calls time on their marriage and they start to agree to plan to separate. Tell the kids, colleagues, family. OM got somewhere to rent etc.

A few days ago, OM's wife accessed his email account and finds a lot of our correspondence. Contacts me and demands the facts.

She thinks (and I can't blame her given the amount of emails etc) that a full blown affair has happened and I have caused the breakdown. Obviously puts different slant on their amicable agreement to part and everybody at rock bottom.

Feel very ashamed and guilty.

WTF should I do?

Sweetheart then change your number and email. Make up some crap about a stalker or something at work. You'll think if something. It's self preservation, you need to not be in contact with him. May be embarresing and annoying, but it is necessary.

Seriously if you don't act to stop him contacting you, this affair will continue and it will hurt you more and more. It's gonna hurt like he'll to stop him contacting you, but remember when you're feeling the pain and missing him and wanting to text him "just one last time", that the pain of missing him is nothing compared to the pain that you will feel if this continues.

Affairs don't just destroy the lives of others, the destroy any love you have for yourself. It's so hard to cone back from the devastation of the soul that happens when you lie and cheat and are out of control, addicted to your OM. Please, take it seriously, break contact and mean it.

Hugs to you lady xxx

Can I ask a question?
If you had your family around you and your mother 5min away who was willing to support you and take care of all your childcare issues so that your DD had someone who loved her looking after her, would you then leave?

I just ask because having just read the thread it sounds as though a big reason for staying is practicality.

digggers and loves2walk - thank you for your continued advice. I am very touched and grateful that you would bother with somebody that had got themself into this situation.

digggers I think you're right but even thinking of breaking contact completely I am sobbing uncontrollably as i type and that is it - everything has spun out of control and I am so f*ing scared.

archstanton - yes I think we might have tried a trial separation by now had we a support network close by

But howdiditcometothis, I don't think you really want the OM to stop contacting you, do you? Because you're falling in love with him if you're not already there...

Think very hard (I'm sure you're doing nothing but) about whether your marriage is worth saving. It doesn't sound like it is- but only you know how you really feel about it. The fact that you flinch when your DH tries to make physical contact is a very telling sign. It sounds like the marriage is dying if not already dead. I think you might just be prolonging the agony by staying in your current relationship, and potentially losing the chance to be with someone who could really work for you.

But I admire your desire to save your marriage. Just ask yourself whether that's what you really, really want... be honest.

I'm saying all this as I'm in the midst of a not too dissimilar situation myself.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

Well surely that tells you it is over. If you can admit that you'd have left by now if you had family support nearby then I don't think there's much to save.

Your feelings for the OM may not be real but maybe, just maybe, he really is 'the one'.

You need time alone to figure out what's going on with you.

You're unhappy and lonely. Whether that's because of your marriage or because of other life circumstances or depressed will be hard to tell until you get some space to be alone and figure it out.

At the moment your OM is providing a bandage for your unhappiness. An incredible splint for your sad heart, filling you with excitement, passion, fear. You know you're alive!! So much better than the drudgery of unhappiness. Even it it hurts you you'll keep coming back to get your fix of the OM. He's the drug blocking out the crap.

Now it's not fair on him to be a drug to you. He may genuinely love you. But you can't love him back yet. Too confused, unhappy and full of self hate.

You'll never be able to be sure too whether your unhappiness was because of your marriage or other circumstances while the OM is around. Too confusing. You also won't be able to work it out while you're with your husband. You can't see what you're in while you're in it.

I went away for 6 weeks on my own. It did help.

Oh sweetheart, hugs. I've been there sobbing my heart out, changing my phone number, deleting his, trying not to memorise it, remembering and texting him from a new number, going thru the whole thing again and a fucking gain. it's just one of lifes worst situations.

So much sympathy. Really.

But do act! Save yourself. Please. Change your number. Tell him nit to break you

XXXXXXX

Oh, OP, just saw your last post. Take some deep breaths, go and have a walk 'round the block to clear your head and mull things over. Did you ever smoke? Have a ciggie! That always helps me calm down, sort out my thoughts - even tho' I'm not a actually a smoker...
I'm sorry you're feeling so messed up. It's a big thing indeed. But you sound intelligent and emotionally mature so I've no doubt you'll figure it all out in the end. These things are not easy at all.
All the best. MMx

Hope you feel slightly better this morning. Going away sounds a very good idea - can you tell your parents
about your marriage problems and OM or even just marriage problems. You may think they won't understand but don't pre-judge that, they may have noticed you not sounding right on the phone/not talking about H in such a kindly way as previously. Please tell them and let them support you. You need RL support whatever you decide.

You will be fine- take the long view here - this is a tough place you're in but 12 months down the line things will be very different, if you allow yourself to identify what it is you really want and act on it. Listen to digggers - sound like she's been right where you are

take care

hope you're ok today. thinking of you xx don't feel embarressed to come back if you can't break contact, i'll understand, keep talking here. it'll help x

I've hinted to my parents that things aren't brilliant at home but I simply don't feel I could tell them about OM. Feel like I need to deal with that myself. Sorry if a bit garbled. Had a ridiculously early start this morning to be in London for early meeting and up most of the night with the little one. Literally had 2 hours sleep in the end, just travelling back and head such a mess.

So, after seeing your messages last night I had a late night phone call with OM and just told him to stop that the whole thing was getting too messy and I couldn't cope. It was horrendous - he was crying, I was crying. He texted me straight after and asked me to give him a day or two to get his head round it and asked me not to call time on it (don't know what 'it' is). I didn't reply. He knew I had a really big work thing today and when I came out, he'd left me a message (quite restrained) saying he'd been thinking about me and hoping it'd gone well and saying he'd respect whatever I wanted to do and sorry for reacting like that last night. I should have left it but it played on my mind and I texted him back to say thanks but I stood by it. And now he's back to texting like we din't have the conversation. And it's hard, he's funny and warm and my stomach flips when I see a message from him. I'm sure I need to stop for now at least - I tried to explain that last night - that if we fuck everything up now and hurt each other and other people, there is no hope at all.
Gaahhh. I'm so weak. It's so stupid. I manage millions of pounds worth of contracts and I can't stop this.

No -you are now strong. OM is weak, needy and doesn't take no for an answer. He is tryingto manipulate you. Be better than that. Every text you ignore is a small victory.

"it" is the same thing that you are addicted to. The situation feeds you both, he needs it because otherwise he's nothing to fill the gap that he's left with without his wife and family. "it" needs to be worth it, otherwise he's alone and scared of what has happened and is going to happen. While "it's" continuing it filld him with important feelings and makes him feel that all the sadness and pain and fear is worthwhile. Without "it" he's lost. And has to face up to the momumentous events that have happened in his life recently.

You must understand how he feels because you are in the same place. That's why you're finding it so hard to quit it too.

One of you needs to be strong enough to break the contact . For the sake of you both.

It'll only be when the craziness and addiction to "it" has passed that you'll be able to both pic. Up your lifes, put yourselves back together, and then see if you still fit together. Maybe you will, maybe you won't, but you sure as he'll can't tell at the moment.

It's like starting a relationship while reallly really drunk. You might be made for each other, but you won't know till you're sober.

I hope you're ok, and strong enough to be the strong one . You need something to fill the hole he'll leave, if you didn't already sound so busy with your work and daughter I'd suggest voluntary work, running, something demanding. Just make sure you're always too busy to think. That you never have an idle minute with your phone in your hand.

Hi, I'm new and hope you don't mind me joining in, but two things you previously said really jolted my memory. I was in a similar position to you about four years back, married but unhappy, and feeling blinded and overwhelmed by feelings for a male friend.

Your husband sounds similar to mine, he was great for years but then suddenly changed into someone unrecognisable, stonewalling me, coming home absolutely furious with me but refusing to tell me why, game playing. Whilst I was pondering a separation I fell madly in love with someone else. Here our situations differ though; we didn't have children, OM did have a child but was already separated. The decision is then am I separating because the marriage has no future, or is it because of OM and I'm trying to find reasons to vindicate ending it. I struggled with that for ages, and the other posters are right, whilst you're still in that situation you can never be sure of your own intention.

I did leave and divorce, mostly because of OM, but also, like you, I really couldn't stomach the thought of exh touching me; that really stood out in your post and I personally don't believe there's a way back from that.

My situation now is that me and DP, as he now is, have been blissfully co-habiting for four years and have a gorgeous 12mo DD. I'm as in love with him as ever and certain I always will be.

Your child with your husband makes this a very different decision for you, I'm not telling you to run off with OM, but I hope you'll be happy one way or the other xx

Thanks for these latest messages. It is really good to get some different perspectives. I'm trying really hard to stay busy. Day full of calls and meetings after lunch so that will help some time pass. And despite yesterday's setbacks, now remaining resolute in not contacting him and so far today, he has backed off. It feels strange but I think its the right thing and it must surely get eaiser at some point? The ache will stop.

Yes, it'll get better. I promise. And if you don't stop now the pain will only get worse. Well done. Do an hour at a time, and be aware that one seemingly innoccuous " you ok?" or even "x" in a text will set both of you back at square one, the hurt will start again.

Do you like music? I always find such comfort and support in music. Somehow helps me feel the ache in a positive way, if that emotion has been felt before and used to create beautiful music. Do you know Jeff Buckley? Listen to "last goodbye" or "lover you should have come over. Awesome lyrics, may touch you , romantic lady x

Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

Broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well I'm waiting for you

Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late"

It's the line "the tear that hangs inside my soul forever " that might chime with you.

When I was trying not to contact my other man I kept a blog, putting messages if love just out to the universe. I was writing for him, and knew he could read it but wasn't neccesarily. It helped me to express my love and ache. I wrote about clouds, weather, rain, light in a romantic way. I found it a great comfort and distraction. It also had the unexpected result that other people read it and loved it and complemented me. It really really helped to make something beautiful and positive from the pain.

Maybe everytime you're tempted to send him
a message, write it here instead and we'll write back, or if he messages you, reply here. Let us fill the hole.

Some great advice from diggers.Change his name in your phone to "marriage wrecker".Might help change your perspective a little.

digggers - you are so in tune with this. Some of it is too hard to hear but that makes me recognise it is true. You have no idea what cold dread I feel reading your words.

So then keep talking. Talk to me rather than him. Build another connection. Let something positive happen from the negative. Tell me what you want to tell
him. Ask me questions

Awake. Longing for him. This is spinning out of control despite my efforts to stop. Listening to songs he sent me to distract but nothing works. Exhausted yet can't stop mind racing.

Howdi,

I have been where you are and to this day if I hear this song,

This time, this place
Misused, mistakes
Too long, too late
Who was I to make you wait?

Just one chance, just one breath
Just in case there?s just one left
?Cause you know
You know, you know

That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you?ll be with me and you?ll never go
Stop breathing if I don?t see you anymore

One my knees, I?ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
?Cause with you I?d withstand
All of it to hold your hand

I?d give it all, I?d give for us
Give anything but I won?t give up
?Cause you know
You know, you know

That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you?ll be with me and you?ll never go
Stop breathing if I don?t see you anymore

So far away, been far away for far too long
So far away, been far away for far too long
But you know
You know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed
I need to hear you say

I love you, I have loved you all along
And I forgive you for being away for far too long
So keep breathing ?cause I?m not leaving you anymore
Believe it, hold on to me, never let me go

Keep breathing cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it, hold on to me, never let me go
Hold on to me, never let me go
Hold on to me, never let me go

My heart still does a flip, even reading the words....difference is I am with someone new (5yrs) and am happy. But the sentiment I felt back in the day will always be attached to that song.

I hope you sort this out, it can be done!!

Howdy howdi x

hope you got some sleep in the end, hope you fell asleep with the feeling you are special and loved, you are human and frail and that you are feeling emotions that have been felt before, and are powerful enough to inspire art, cause wars, split families and make babies. It's no wonder you're finding it hard, these are some powerful emotions. But you're not spiralling out if control, you're trying to cope and making progress. You've found a support system and you continue to make new plans. You're continuing to claw your way out if this. You'll be ok , today's here and it's another beautiful day. X

And logically, any situation can take a while to mentally get out of. Even something unmeaningful, like changing the supermarket you shop in. For a while you'll find yourself automatically going back to that supermarket out of habit and familiarity.

You've had a couple of months of constant contact with this man, that's an intense impulse been built. And before that two years of difficult marriage, making you unhappy and contributing to the place in a which you find yourself. And then before that a whole lifetime of experiences, firming who you are and how you hot here. That is alot to unpick. You may be able to blow up Rome overnight, but you can't rebuilt it the next day. Feel proud that you've realised and resolved to break contact, but be gentle to yourself in knowing that it's going to be difficult and you won't feel normal for a while. Soon though. Keep the faith x

Look at your daughter and realise that you are learning lessons that you'll need to know in order to teach her about love. Keep learning and doing your best. Life isn't simple, that's what we all need to know. It's hard to control your emotions sometimes, so you need to try your best to control your actions so you don't hurt others or yourself too much. X