Made such a mess - I deserve the fall out

[howdiditcometothis]

I'll try to keep it short.

I've had a brief emotional affair with a married man. I'm also married. Both marriages very much on the rocks.

Background - things been very difficult at home, lots of stonewalling or crying and shouting for approx 2 years - no middle ground. I've spoken to my husband about divorce and living apart - he just got more angry than I've ever seen him and threw crockery across the kicthen (not at me). Raised it a few more times - can't get him to engage with the conversation. Felt completely emotionally numb for a long time.

Anyway, an inappropriate friednship between me and OM developed. Talked about feelings but never sex. In contact every day for last 6 weeks or so. Met in person three times, kissed but nothing more. After the last time we met, we spoke the next day decided that it was getting out of hand and needed to cool it and agree to be friends as neither of us free tp pursue anything other than friendship. Hard but the right thing. So, the contact cooled a bit but still in touch. In meantime, OM's wife calls time on their marriage and they start to agree to plan to separate. Tell the kids, colleagues, family. OM got somewhere to rent etc.

A few days ago, OM's wife accessed his email account and finds a lot of our correspondence. Contacts me and demands the facts.

She thinks (and I can't blame her given the amount of emails etc) that a full blown affair has happened and I have caused the breakdown. Obviously puts different slant on their amicable agreement to part and everybody at rock bottom.

Feel very ashamed and guilty.

WTF should I do?

I sent a short response to her with the bare facts. She actually thanked me for responding. It is up to her if she believes it but it is the truth. I won't have any further dialogue on it.

I couldn't bring myself to tell DH last night. I tried but we ended up rowing before I could even get it out there. He later came to bed and we had horrible emotionless sex. I just lay awake for hours crying silently. I never in a million years thought I'd be in this situation. The worse thing in it all is despite the mess, despite everything I miss OM so much. And before I get shouted at - I'm not intending to act on it.

Sounds like you have at least helped OM's wife get some closure, and decide what she wants to do.

Next you need to work on your own relationship.

Shame you have managed to be so calm and factual with her, but can't do it with your H. He almost certainly knows something's up, and to tell him will probably come as a relief, that he has been right and he's not been imagining problems. He is probably very unhappy too.

I suspect what you miss is not OM, but whatever need he fulfills, intimacy, fun, ego boost.

You may yet be able to salvage your marriage, and find a way for you and your H to give each other what you need.

Are you going to talk to him?

Right.

I was where you are now five years ago.

First, you need to ask yourself why you had the affair. Be honest with yourself, which I know is hard when you've been living with so many layers of deceit.

For me, I did what you did because I was deadly miserable and lonely in my marriage. This is not an excuse but an explanation. The OM was a symptom, not a cause.

If it is the same for you, you need to explain this to your DH. You do also NEED to tell him about the affair. Lies are like cancers, the eat away at a relationship until all that is left is a hollow shell and I remember very well that mechanical, dead sex you describe.

If your DH does not leave you when you tell him and you both agree to try and save your marriage, it could be done. You must tell him though.

But for gods sake, forget about the OM and his wife. That's his bloody problem. Don't talk to either of them. Seriously, it isn't going to help anyone.

Good luck, you're going to need it!

StuckInTheMiddle - did you save your marriage in the end?

For me, I can't work out why I did it, I felt trapped and angry I think, feeling that DH not stepping up to the plate. There is so much bad feeling, I don't even know whether I have the energy to try and save things.

Part of me felt a relief at being found out and although I failed to tell DH yesterday, I will.

Remember that the good thing about affairs is they are often the impetus miserable people need to exit wretched dead relationships.
Now that you have send the other wife a polite factual email, block any further contact from her - she doesn;t have the right to harass you (She may well have the dignity and self-respect to leave you alone anyway). Her marriage or the end of it is up to her and the OM to sort out. If you no longer want to stay in yours, then do your practical research first, be calm and kind when you tell your H and don't let him bully you - everyone has the right to end an unsatisfactory relationship.

Or the impetus for both H & W to change the marriage for the better for all concerned. Complete honesty is required on both sides and a lot of hard work needed to change etc but it can be done.

Good luck OP with whatever path you and your DH decide to take. Remember you were probably attracted to the feelings the OM ignited in you rather than him IYSWIM.

I'm sorry to say, that I didn't. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I did.

The reason it died is this:

When my affair came to light my exDH was furious, understandably. We talked a lot, for days in fact.

Then after a few months, I realised that I was back to living like I had been prior to the affair. Lonely. My exDH spent his entire life with his nose in books or playing games. I remember sitting in the house at midnight on New Years eve with a glass of wine and jools holland on the tele. ExDH was sat playing a computer game in the corner.

I tried everything, spicing up or sex life, suggesting outings and things we could do together.

His response was, "Well I've forgiven you haven't I? What more do you want?" and to go straight back to his computer game. I left at that point.

My DH destroyed my marriage, not my affair.

What I am saying is, if the reason you had the affair was the same as mine (sheer bloody miserable lonlines) then you need to have your DH on board to fix what was wrong in your marriage. Your affair is probably a symptom of a deeper malise.

However, I think the first step you need to make is to tell your DH. Mine found out by accident and it was horrible. You're in limbo at the moment pet, you need to tell him. Come on girl, grit your teeth and you can do it.

hugs

I think what I am trying to say is, that if your DH loves you, it can be saved.

Mine found somebody new within two weeks of me leaving!

If I thought DH didn't love me it would be so easy. I would just call time on it. I'm at that point BUT he does, I know he does. He has been absolutely dumb-founded when I've tried to talk about separation. Won't even countenance a trial separation.

Of course, don't know how he'll feel when he finds out. I suspect anger but I don't think he'll leave.

And why would he, I earn far more, enable him to live in a really nice house that he gets to spend far more time in than me...

But I owe it him and the fact we are married to try.

It does sound like there is a lot of anger and resentment on your part and this is the sort of thing couple counselling can help with. You have to be really honest about how you are feeling and he has to take that on board and both of you have to decide how things are going to change because they must change if you are to stay together.

It maybe that you don't have to live in a really nice house, you can cut your hours to have more time at home etc. Have a plan of action etc. If he refuses to meet you half way, you have your answer. It sounds like you could support yourself and the DC if necessary.

Good luck.

Re the wife saying it wasn't as bad as he said it was, it sounds like you dh would say the same. It's only ever one persons view and the other may be in denial.

You need to focus on your own marriage. To me it sounds like you don't want to stay together and it's just going to be easier. It won't, you can't go back now you've had a taste of happiness.

By all means try and I hope you succeed and eveyone - you included- has a happy ending.

But be careful you do not waste your time beating a dead horse. Life is too short.

lovebeing it wasn't really happiness, it was delusion. I'm sorry if that is harsh.

Lovebeing34 you are right about having had a taste of happiness.

I keep wondering if I'm having some sort of breakdown to be honest. If the entire time I've known him I've just been living in some sort of parallel universe. Nobody (not even when I first met DH) has made me feel like he has. Or made me feel like I've just come home. And, OK I accept it hasn't been honourable behaviour - he did step back as soon as he saw where it was going and made sure than nothing sexual happened. When the decision was made that his marriage was definitely over, he encouraged me to get counselling with DH so I didn't end up in the same place. He said even after he moves out he won't see me unless I've been to couple counselling and spent time trying to fix my marriage. He always said that he wanted me to fix things.

He said to me if I couldn't work it out in time and had a full clean break, he would love to see me again. He always just said that life is long.

Despite benig sorely tempted, I'm not going to initiate contact with him but just having known him will make it so hard to concentrate at home and focus on saving things.

My DH is a lovely man and I have said to him before that I want to set him free to live like he wants to. As we've grown up it has become clear that we want different things from life. I don't think we're compatible. Or we've grown apart. If I had my time again, I would wait until I was at least 30 to get married. It's my fault, I've grown up, taken on responsibilty and he hasn't.

and therein lies the problem - stuckinthemiddle - it felt like amazing happiness but I wonder if I've actually been sane in all of this - perhaps you are right. My head is mashed.

I know it's hard to let go of those feelings.

It's a helluva rush, that combination of a new body coupled with the thrill of forbidden fruit. Blows you away.

If it's any consolation, I no longer give a dam about the OM. He's long gone from my life. It does pass, you probably don't believe me right now but it really will pass.

Just out of curiosity, how old were you when you got married? I was 23 and I now agree that we should wait until we're at least thirty!

I know this isnt particuarly helpful but..

he amount of men detailed on here that have 100's of emails/texts from OW never ceases to amaze me. Do they have no sense? In a previous life I had a couple of affairs (although wasnt married). I made sure that I deleted every single text/email, didnt have his number stored in my phone etc. I mean come on its not exactly rocket science is it?

Any man that is so stupid as to leave evidence of his affair with you clearly isnt worth giving the time of day.

Sorry.

I was 26 when I married - not massively young but I have definitely changed and we have grown apart (cliche but true). I'm embarrassed to say we've only been married 4 years ( together nearly 9).

Geordiminx - I think you're wrong there - I would be horrified to have had an affar with a serial cheater that has systems in place to avoid detection.

I know it is a ridiculous thing to say but OM is a very decent person as was I until I got myself entangled in this.

Howdidit, I get the sense that the OM waiting in the wings is colouring your judgement.

'if I couldn't work it out in time and had a full clean break, he would love to see me again. He always just said that life is long.'

What would you be doing about your H if the OM didn't exist?

Don't forget that say you two do end up in a relationship, each of you has proved to the other that you can be unfaithful. That knowledge would surely in the end eat away at your trust of each other.

I just think do what's right for you because it's what you want, and not because you think you are going to run into the arms of some knight in shining armour. It might be an illusion.

Don't be embrassed. In a way it may be a good thing for this to happen to you now.

If you manage to fix your marriage you'll hopefully sort out whatever was wrong with it in the first place which led you to have an affair.

If not, you are still young enough to make a fresh start.

Better that than years of unfullfilled misery, no?

Me and my ex were together eight and married for about three years, short and uphappy is better than long and unhappy.

Helicopterview - I think you're probably right. It is hard to focus at home knowing that OM is out there. BUT before he ever came along, I was considering separation and had raised it at home.

In my daydreams of thinking of a future life with OM (and I know that is a very wrong thing to think but I am just being honest) the one thing that I am very conscious of is how this connection started. Trust would probably become a problem. I'm a realist and I think it would probably colour everything.

I don't know - he is quite a bit older, my DH is better looking etc etc but having said all of that - he feels like home in a way I just can't explain. The few occasions I've been around him, I have felt so calm and serene, like the world has just stopped. The first time we looked each other in the eye - I felt like i was coming up on a pill - it was as chemical and strong as that.

God - I'm embarassing myself now.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that I understand, and I'm sorry for your situation. I'm sorry for your DD, too.

I assume that you were happy in your marriage once, or you wouldn't have married your DH. Is it not possible that over the years, you've got bored? And as that boredom with your marriage grew, you remembered how things were with your DH in the beginning, and transferred that love and those feelings onto another man?

Because, I don't think you can just turn feelings on and off like a tap. I don't believe you can just 'fall out of love' with your husband, at the drop of a hat. I do think that those feelings can be directly transferred onto another person who just happens to come along at the right (or wrong, depending on how you see it), time.

Don't be deluded; this OM probably isn't the 'knight in shining armour' that you've got in your head. If he was, you could have ended your marriage a long time ago and started again. The point is, you haven't. You've stayed and you've stayed for a reason. Perhaps the same reason that your affair stayed emotional and didn't progress.

You're not embaressing yourself at all. I can empathise totally with your description of a chemical high. You're bringing back a lot of memories for me.

You're only human and human beings are falliable. We get into messes like this.

What matters, is how you sort it out.

How. I think I was unecessarily harsh in my post.

I know what you are sayig about chemical high etc, and tbh my post wasnt really aimed at you, more people in general, in that I would have thought it was a basic to delete emails/texts etc.

I really feel for you. I left ex-fiance 3 months before wedding as he was suffocating me, and in hindsight it would have been a disaster if we had of gotten married.

All I can say is stay strong, try and get some head space away from things if you can - it will be easier to look at the situation if you are away from them both. Do you have dc's? How old are they?

I'm sure that things will work out for you, you dont seem like a bad person, and if it is meant to be with this OM, then it will happen.

Good luck

Geordie - I have one DD - she's still just a toddler. No opportuninty to get space really but I am about to hit a very busy patch at work so will throw myself into that and try not to think about it.

To complicate things - OM texted me asking if he could call. I should have said no but thought it would give some closure, say goodbye etc. Anyway, we spoke, he cried, I cried, he said he loved me and was sorry I'd been dragged into such a painful mess. Said he won't contact me for a while.

Such a sorry mess.

Has his wife binned him?

I have a feeling now she knows there is someone else she might try and keep him..

Be kind to yourself.