Made such a mess - I deserve the fall out

[howdiditcometothis]

I'll try to keep it short.

I've had a brief emotional affair with a married man. I'm also married. Both marriages very much on the rocks.

Background - things been very difficult at home, lots of stonewalling or crying and shouting for approx 2 years - no middle ground. I've spoken to my husband about divorce and living apart - he just got more angry than I've ever seen him and threw crockery across the kicthen (not at me). Raised it a few more times - can't get him to engage with the conversation. Felt completely emotionally numb for a long time.

Anyway, an inappropriate friednship between me and OM developed. Talked about feelings but never sex. In contact every day for last 6 weeks or so. Met in person three times, kissed but nothing more. After the last time we met, we spoke the next day decided that it was getting out of hand and needed to cool it and agree to be friends as neither of us free tp pursue anything other than friendship. Hard but the right thing. So, the contact cooled a bit but still in touch. In meantime, OM's wife calls time on their marriage and they start to agree to plan to separate. Tell the kids, colleagues, family. OM got somewhere to rent etc.

A few days ago, OM's wife accessed his email account and finds a lot of our correspondence. Contacts me and demands the facts.

She thinks (and I can't blame her given the amount of emails etc) that a full blown affair has happened and I have caused the breakdown. Obviously puts different slant on their amicable agreement to part and everybody at rock bottom.

Feel very ashamed and guilty.

WTF should I do?

I don't see much in your posts to support the idea of a happy future with your DH. You say he won't contemplate a separation, but that isn't how separations work is it? The point is that if you want to leave him at any time you are free to do so. I'm not saying it's an easy choice to make but you do not have to live unhappily with your DH, especially not as you are relatively young and could very conceivably start again.

Lots of people have emotional affairs or physical affairs and come on here saying please help me, I have ruined everything, I want my DH back but how can I ever make him trust me again, etc. You are not saying this, you seem to be saying that you aren't that sure you even want your DH to trust you as you don't know what might happen in the future.

I personally don't see marriage as different from any other long term relationship. Just becuase you have a ring on your finger doesn't mean that you have to stay, especially if your heart isn't in it and you can't actually promise your DH you want to be faithful to him.

As for OMs marriage, it is quite literally his affair.

Actually OP I think your story is something of a warning-to-others against inertia relatinships, not against affairs. Because I just bet that you married your current H because he really wanted you to, and you thought he was 'OK' and there was all this massive cultural pressure at the back of your head telling you that if you didn't marry this perfectly OK bloke who loves you then you might end up SINGLE and that would be awful...
So you married the nice-enough bloke, and rubbed along OK-ish for a while and then the basic incompatiblities showed up but you saw some more propaganda about how 'romance doesn't last' and heteromonogamy is the most wonderful natural thing in the world except you really have to work at it, so you hung on, getting more and more bored and depressed - and then you met another bloke who you fancied and realised that there's more to life than what you've currently got.
Next time don;t settle for someone you're not that bothered about - date boring peopleby all means in order to give them a chance, shag the cute but stupid ones if you want but don't marry or move in with people unless you really can cope with the idea of living with them for decades.

My emotional affair began 23 years ago ( never any sexual contact) In early march my abusive DH died after a brief illness. I did fifteen years of hard marriage believing I would do another 14 years until my DS grew up. I am finally with the man I truly love. I should have done it years ago

SGB - that is the weird thing. I didn't settle. I was very much in love with DH when we met and I, if anybody, pushed for marriage. I didn't have any doubts when we married and as a couple we have often been held up as the perfect match. BUT I do think I was blinded by love to fundamental differences which were not obvious at the outset. I wonder if it is my fault, if I tried to change my views etc to fit with him, so much I wanted to be with him. But as I've 'grown up' through bereavement, recurrent miscarriage, redundancy, high pressure career - I've become more clear in my own goals and the way I want to live. And sadly - it doesn't match. He thinks this doesn't matter but I want an equal partner who works in a team with me not somebody who says go and do what you want but I will not join in and will do 'x'. X being sit on my dreamy arse and not deal with finances, work, domestic duties....
My DH is very clever (Oxbridge), very attractive but the least driven person I have ever met. He doesn't enjoy socilaising, doesn't make friends easily etc etc. The differences are tearing us apart.

Ah. Dreamy, sexy men often seem very appealing. Until you have to live with them longterm, then you have to decide whether their sexiness makes them worth keeping as a kind of exotic pet or not.

First time I've laughed in days.

I told my DH. Told the OM wife the details she asked for. My DH was very calm but I don't know what will happen from here.

sgb you are so right! Mine was of the brooding, sexy variety - in the Heathcliff mold - all silent and glowering. Well, you can imagine how that's worked out .

OP I hope that telling your husband will help bring some positive resolution to your situation

I don't knnow what to think at all. The reaction has been quite weird and very forgiving. I feel numb - when I think that I should be responding to the forgiveness and love DH is showing me, I just feel completely numb. Somebody please tell me how to respond to it.

I thought I'd feel better for telling him but it's just made me feel even more guilty - his forgiveness makes me feel physically ill. I deserve some punishment, shouting, something. I don't think this reaction is normal and if anything is making me feel less rather than more sure that I want to work at things it is his kindness and sympathy. Doesn't he care that I've got close to anonther man, does the marriage stand a chance? Is he ambivalent?

I guess he doesnt want to loose you.

Has he asked why you did it?

Head in the sand syndrom perhaps?

OK sorry for reviving this old thread. Time has passed and I'm still in such a state. DH point blank refuses to engage in discussing what happened - simply will not discuss. I have tried to reconnect in other ways - getting our sex life back on track and doing stuff together - limited success. I really want to make it work but there seems to be such a wall between us.

If he had shown anger, that would have been easier to deal with. Had no contact with OM until this last week. He emailed to ask how it had all gone telling DH and if I was ok. It just brought everything flooding back and it feels like I need to go through all the pain again of ending contact. We've been in touch this last week. We have agreed that we can't be in touch. He says he wants to know I'm ok but it is too painful to be in touch. I miss him so much. I carry this physical ache with me all the time. I hate myself so much for what I've done and despite trying to confess (which I thought would bring things to a head) I am still in a painful limbo. No idea what my next move should be. Please help.

would you like to be with OM if that was a possibility?

I'm hopelessly in love with him. But that is just it, it's hopeless. And everything has changed. He has moved out and got a new place, furnished it with his kids' help. We can obviously never be together he needs to be there for his kids, I need to try and salvage my marriage and he supports me in that. I have a toddler. I can't split and share custody, I couldn't bear it. I am trying to make it work.

CAN you make it work with your husband?

What prompted him to finally leave his marriage? Is he coping with the split? You could too you know

What you're describing, howdidit, is exactly what StuckInTheMiddle said happened to her; after the affair, her husband forgave her but refused outright to do anything at all to make the marriage work.

It sounds like your marriage was frustrating long before the OM came into the picture, and your husband is refusing to address that and has been refusing to for a long time (and, throwing crockery at the wall when you try and raise it? seriously?). Two years of crying and stonewalling? So, pretty much your child's entire life, then?

So here you are. Your husband won't change, won't discuss things, won't agree to relationship counselling or separation. Your only block to separation appears to be that you can't bear split custody of your toddler, because you have the financial advantage and there's nothing physical stopping you from leaving. He won't change, he's refused to do so for years now, and he won't "agree" to a separation - but then, he doesn't need to, only one of you needs to.

It's a fairly simple equation, which is not the same thing as an easy one. Would you rather live in this marriage, as it stands, without expecting change or improvement, or would you rather live alone and split custody of your toddler? I can't tell you which is the better option. But those are your options.

And what happened to StuckInTheMiddle? Did she remain in her marriage? I want to make my marriage work because I believe in marriage and I believed in it when I got married. Which in light of what I've done might seem trite but it's true. If I could get DH to engage with me and actually try and reconnect and make the marriage work, I'll put everything I've got into it. I will painfully walk from OM forever. He has promised me that if I tell him that is what I want to do he will respect that and never contact me again.

I never saw myself as somebody to get lovesick or somebody who would ever end up in a situation like this. It is absolutely mindblowing (in a bad way) to feel like you've met your soulmate and know that no good can ever come from it. I'm just carrying this aching emptiness around with me. I know I will get beyond it if DH lets me make amends and rebuild things.

wnkngonly - he is coping with the split really well. It has been a big relief - they hadn't slept in the same room for more than 2 years, lots of resentment on both sides. He thinks they both get a chance at happiness now. They are both great parents and concentrating on making the kids fit in with the new arrangements. Obviously bad days too - grieving for what is lost.

I think you should meet OM. See if the attraction is still there in person. Because your marriage is going nowhere. If attraction is there, take some time away from your husband and really assess your situation.

You really think I should do that? I know the attraction will still be there. I have never ever had such an intellectual spark with someone or wanted to be near someone so much. But I have to fight it because I have to find a way through this.

I am just concerned that the absence is maybe clouding your view and building him up to be more than he is.

But whether you meet him or not to help clarify your mind, it sounds like your marriage is pretty much over. You cant continue like that.

hey there.

Just another perspective for you.

Five years ago I was in the eighth year of a relationship with a man i loved and who loved me, but the relationship had problems and I was lonely, bored and unsatisfied. I met another man, and had a similar "emotional affair " scenario happen to me as it has to you. I felt head over heels in love with this man, exchanged many many texts and emails and instant messages of love and flirtation. Spoke on the phone lots. Met up a few times and cuddled. Totally fucked my head up. Thought I'd found my soulmate, but he was married and a few months down the line he told me his wife was pregnant. God it was awful. Never felt such pain. And despite the guilt, the pain and the horror of hurting my partner, I still felt completely in love with him. It was him that broke all contact to concentrate on his preganant wife. It broke my heart.

I stayed with my partner, for another couple of years after that. I still loved him and he still loved me but the relationship still wasn't right. I tried to end it a few times but either was too cowardly or he emotionally blackmailed me into staying. Unhappy still. But fell out of love with the man I had thought my soulmate. He went on to have another child with his wife and was totally in love with his kids. After a couple of years we got in contact again as friends, and it was fine as I didn't feel atall in love with him any more. Cared for him as a friend though.

Fast forward another couple of years, I finally left my partner and am now in a new relationship and am very contented. And the guy I had an emotional affair with has had another affair last year, left his wife for 3 months and then went back for the sake of the children. We are still in contact but as friends and the love has gone. But he obviously isn't happy with his wife.

I don't think we are soulmates anymore. We're friends and w had a connection. We were both obviously unhappy in our relationships. But the overwhelming feelings of love and loss were just a thing of the moment and not necessarily "real"

good luck x

digggers - thank you for that perspective. I've wondered if it is just a 'construct' based on our mutual unhappiness but I've pushed against it over and over and I can't seem to get beyond it. The thing that stands me still is the intellectual spark and the fact that I've never met someone so familiar or so tuned in - regardless of the romantic/physical attraction. I feel like I've come home and I can't explain it. But I know nothing can come of it. It is an entirely hopeless situation.

Nothing can come of it whilst your married. And your marriage doesn't sound like it has a future. So leave your marriage, then figure out if you want to be with this other man.

Your posts are so sad that I felt I had to post myself to ask you why you are continuing in your marriage? I don't get it at all. Ok so you believe in marriage, fine, but surely that's when two people love and support each other. I don't mean to sound harsh but I would read your Hs response as being very unloving indeed. He sounds as willing to accept a pretty empty, joyless marriage as you are. But why?

You have found someone else with whom you have an intellectual and emotional connection. Some people don't ever find that. Why don't you get your head round the practical aspects of splitting (because it sounds like they are primarily practical), and get together with OM?

Not immediately obviously because you will have to separate from your H but if you took that massive first step you would at least be free to explore the possibilities with OM. Don't throw away that chance as you might never get a connection like that again.