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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Constantly being pressured about sex

80 replies

SantaCruise · 23/06/2010 13:34

DH has a very high sex drive (mine is non existant but I do try) and we normally have sex around every 2 days but I am being constantly pressured about it all day every day. If we don't have sex EVERY night he goes off in a mood saying there is "obviously" something bothering me etc and I feel under constant pressure to have sex. Some nights he goes on and on and won't let me go to sleep until I agree. He pesters me, keeps groping me, keeps trying to turn me around to face him etc and this can go on for hours. He's even woken me up in the middle of the night doing it before. Last night was actually quite upsetting because I told him I just wanted to go to sleep and he wouldn't let and was literally on top of me pulling my legs apart etc and he was being quite rough. He never actually penetrated me but he did force his head in between my legs etc. He blamed it on the drink this morning but he'd only had about 2.
I dread every night because I know its going to turn into a constant battle for sex. It causes friction and tension because I feel like if I say no, I'M the one starting the argument. Its got to the point where I actually look forward to being on my period, its such a relief when it comes on because I know I have a few days "break" from it all but even then sometimes he'll start.
I honestly feel like a dog on heat that has been trapped with a stud dog.
He says he "can't help it" but it is driving me insane. I just want to be left alone for a while. I mean, I know I have a shit sex drive and always have (even with previous partners) but what is a "reasonable" gap in between sex?

OP posts:
TDiddy · 25/06/2010 00:03

Abusive tendency. Unless he makes a miraculous u-turn then you will have to get rid.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/06/2010 03:34

"I can't help but feel that somebody who physically & verbally pesters somebody who is clearly saying that they don't want sex until they just give up & allow it is a rapist."

That's legally right (at least here in Australia) - using coercion and threats to get sex from someone who doesn't really consent is rape.

OP, I'm as appalled as everyone else, and I think the consensus is unanimous enough that you're listening. This man is raping you regularly. He really is. He shows no respect for you, no awareness that you're an autonomous human being and not a fucktoy forhis amusement, and has no compunction abuot inimtidating and bullying you into sex that you explicitly don't want.

And LeQueen is right about the high sex drive being a red herring. I dated a man before my husband who had an enormously high sex drive. Could do it several times a day, for hours at a time. He was an immature selfish asshole in many ways, but he was astounding in bed. And one of the ways in which he was astounding is that his sex drive was so high that he would rather get pleasure solely from my pleasure than nothing at all - so he'd happily give me a massage and perform oral sex on me and that's all that would happen that night if I wanted. He adored giving as well as receiving, and got pleasure out of everything sexual. He never, ever, hassled me for sex, much less threatened or intimidated me. He just made it clear that he really liked sex, and if he could do anything for me - hey, he was always willing.

SpiritualKnot · 25/06/2010 07:09

Currently divorcing H who sounds nearly as bad as the OP. ExH wasn't as bad, but the badgering for sex was a nightmare and it was so rough..ended up wanting other stuff as well and used to go on and on and on about it all the time.

You may end up doing what I did, getting more and more indifferent to him in daily life, resulting in him leaving you for another woman....not as bad as it sounds.

Nothing to do with sex drive, before I met him, I thought I was a sex maniac, he turned that round totally....now happy to be celibate, although.... tortoiseonthehalfshell...do you have his address? I'm in the UK but can travel..

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/06/2010 07:12

Ha. To be honest, last I heard of him he'd got a fifteen year old pregnant (when he was 25 or so) and was dealing drugs to pay the rent. The sex wasn't that good.

SpiritualKnot · 25/06/2010 07:24

Oh my! That's bad! Think I'll stick with being celibate for now then.....

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