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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Constantly being pressured about sex

80 replies

SantaCruise · 23/06/2010 13:34

DH has a very high sex drive (mine is non existant but I do try) and we normally have sex around every 2 days but I am being constantly pressured about it all day every day. If we don't have sex EVERY night he goes off in a mood saying there is "obviously" something bothering me etc and I feel under constant pressure to have sex. Some nights he goes on and on and won't let me go to sleep until I agree. He pesters me, keeps groping me, keeps trying to turn me around to face him etc and this can go on for hours. He's even woken me up in the middle of the night doing it before. Last night was actually quite upsetting because I told him I just wanted to go to sleep and he wouldn't let and was literally on top of me pulling my legs apart etc and he was being quite rough. He never actually penetrated me but he did force his head in between my legs etc. He blamed it on the drink this morning but he'd only had about 2.
I dread every night because I know its going to turn into a constant battle for sex. It causes friction and tension because I feel like if I say no, I'M the one starting the argument. Its got to the point where I actually look forward to being on my period, its such a relief when it comes on because I know I have a few days "break" from it all but even then sometimes he'll start.
I honestly feel like a dog on heat that has been trapped with a stud dog.
He says he "can't help it" but it is driving me insane. I just want to be left alone for a while. I mean, I know I have a shit sex drive and always have (even with previous partners) but what is a "reasonable" gap in between sex?

OP posts:
Gigantaur · 23/06/2010 14:46

just because he is her husband doesn't mean that what he is doing is anything BUT sexual assault.

marriage does not give you any more rights over a womans body

SantaCruise · 23/06/2010 14:49

Thanks for your replies. I never associated the sex thing to be connected to his controlling ways, do you really think that is what it is rather than just a high sex drive?

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 23/06/2010 14:50

This is sexual assualt and attempted rape - the fact that he is your husband makes no difference in the eyes of the law or the man in the street.

How long has this been going on for?

I don't know exactly what you should do to get this to stop but I know you'll get good advice here. You really can't live like this. You poor lamb :-(

AnyFucker · 23/06/2010 14:50

Missus...it is still sexual assault, whether they are married or not

The law says so

I see what you are saying though

Op wouldn't accept this abuse from anyone else...so why should she accept it just because he is her husband ?

I have an awful feeling that Op currently has her fingers in her ears and saying "la, la, laaaa..."

Please tell me I am wrong

RudeEnglishLady · 23/06/2010 14:54

A high sex drive means you enjoy shagging. Fighting every night is when you enjoy controlling, forcing and hurting which is totally different.

Missus84 · 23/06/2010 14:56

Yes, I didn't mean to imply it wasn't sexual assualt because he's your husband - just that if anyone else behaved towards you like this, you'd be feeling assualted rather than just "pressured about sex".

Gigantaur · 23/06/2010 14:56

I absolutly believe that he is a cntrolling abusive man. I am convinced that yes the sexual aggressivnes is indeed part of his controlling.

I think that you should speak to him about it and expect him to make drastic changes. if he is unable to then I thinkfor your own sanity and well being you should ask him to leave.

Acanthus · 23/06/2010 14:56

Yes it is definitely about control and disrespect, not about sex itself.

Gigantaur · 23/06/2010 14:57

My x started off just moaning about not getting sex all the time. or trying it on and then sulking with every rebuff.

it ended up with being raped daily.

he too was an abusive and controlling arse and what your husband is doing is textbook.

Missus84 · 23/06/2010 15:01

Nothing to do with a high sex drive. I have a high sex drive and it's never even occured to me to sexually assualt someone.

foureleven · 23/06/2010 15:02

Can we get Dittany on here please?

And SGB please?

AnyFucker · 23/06/2010 15:03

why, 411 ?

the replies so far are pretty clear, are they not ?

foureleven · 23/06/2010 15:07

gigantaur

I also have a very high sex drive, if DP doesnt fancy it I pop to the loo for some diy. Thats normal, this is not.

foureleven · 23/06/2010 15:08

Yes of course but those two always seem to put it in a certain way.

(id put you and lequeen on that list too though)

AnyFucker · 23/06/2010 15:14

that's ok then, 411

SolidGoldBrass · 23/06/2010 15:17

Call Women's Aid, they will tell you how to get out of there - or indeed how to get him removed from the house and prohibited from returning.
Look, this man is very dangerous. He doesn't see you as a human being at all, he thinks you're an object he can use - and destroy, if he feels like it. He is raping you three times a week, he should be in prison for this (where he might find out what it's like to be held down and penetrated against his will...). You can prosecute him for rape. Please save yourself and your DC from him. You can do it. Life will be so much better without a bullying rapist in your home.

IsGraceAvailable · 23/06/2010 15:19

What???!!!

I read your 'blog' thread before this one. Good god, woman, NOBODY would want sex with anyone who harassed them like this! He's pretty much raping you, too, by the sounds of things.

With the other thing you wrote about him trying to isolate you from the outside world, he looks like a very controlling man who hates women and wishes to take it out on you.

I completely support your idea of blogging events within your relationship, so as to get a clearer picture of what's going on. It can be very hard to see from the inside, especially when you're constantly being told you're the one in the wrong.

I am sorry for you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2010 15:22

Grace, I read this thread first

Hence my comment about using your energy to get away from him, rather than wrinting a running commentary of what an abusive cock he is

expatinscotland · 23/06/2010 15:22

What AnyFucker and SGB said.

Scorpette · 23/06/2010 16:16

I'm sorry, but if he's forcing your legs apart to do stuff to you, that's sexual assault and if you wake up in the night with him inside you, then that's rape. It's no less a crime than if you woke up to find a complete stranger had broken in and was raping you.

Because you don't have a high sex drive you're a) blaming yourself and b) thinking that this is what people with high sex drives need. Both of these are wrong (even if you told him you were never going to have sex again it does not give him 1% right to do any of this stuff).

My partner and I both have high sex drives and recently we couldn't have sex for 2 months because I was having various treatments/ops and my DP didn't so much as talk about sex. No gropings, no whining, no moaning, no pestering, nothing, and I know he was suffering. In fact, he wouldn't let me 'relieve' him as he thought it was unfair when I couldn't have any fun (the daft bugger!).

That is the behaviour of a good man, who respects and loves his partner and thinks about her happiness and needs as well as his own, if not above his own. If I don't ever feel like sex he doesn't even grumble about it. As everyone else says, your DH's behaviour has nothing to do with his sex drive and everything to do with abuse, power and control. Abusers have an uncanny knack for pinpointing their partner's achilles heel - in your case, having always felt bad for having a low sex drive - and slowly destroying them through that. Rape is about power and ego, whether it's a stranger leaping out at someone or a partner/spouse.

Do you have DC with this man? If things are this bad now, can you imagine what it'd be like to be forced into sex everyday whilst heavily pregnant, and raped whilst you are still healing from the birth? And what sort of influence would he be on the children? I'm sorry, but this man rings massive alarm bells on so many levels. Please, please, do something to help yourself get away from this situation.

Lauriefairycake · 23/06/2010 16:20

He doesn't want sex with you

he wants to abuse you

leave him

you deserve better

LeQueen · 23/06/2010 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EcoMouse · 23/06/2010 17:22

I agree with everyone else.

I found your post quite horrific to read SC. His behaviour is so dangerously unhealthy, please speak with Womens Aid.

lou031205 · 23/06/2010 17:35

SantaCruise, I have had a very low sex drive during a pregnancy-breastfeeding-pregnancy cycle, and we have gone months between sex. Now things are a bit better, and recently we have had sex quite often. But DH has never used force to initiate sex, and has never failed to take 'no' for an answer.

secunda · 23/06/2010 18:49

I asked DP if he would want to have sex with me if I didn't want to and he said 'What would be the point in that ?'