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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Constantly being pressured about sex

80 replies

SantaCruise · 23/06/2010 13:34

DH has a very high sex drive (mine is non existant but I do try) and we normally have sex around every 2 days but I am being constantly pressured about it all day every day. If we don't have sex EVERY night he goes off in a mood saying there is "obviously" something bothering me etc and I feel under constant pressure to have sex. Some nights he goes on and on and won't let me go to sleep until I agree. He pesters me, keeps groping me, keeps trying to turn me around to face him etc and this can go on for hours. He's even woken me up in the middle of the night doing it before. Last night was actually quite upsetting because I told him I just wanted to go to sleep and he wouldn't let and was literally on top of me pulling my legs apart etc and he was being quite rough. He never actually penetrated me but he did force his head in between my legs etc. He blamed it on the drink this morning but he'd only had about 2.
I dread every night because I know its going to turn into a constant battle for sex. It causes friction and tension because I feel like if I say no, I'M the one starting the argument. Its got to the point where I actually look forward to being on my period, its such a relief when it comes on because I know I have a few days "break" from it all but even then sometimes he'll start.
I honestly feel like a dog on heat that has been trapped with a stud dog.
He says he "can't help it" but it is driving me insane. I just want to be left alone for a while. I mean, I know I have a shit sex drive and always have (even with previous partners) but what is a "reasonable" gap in between sex?

OP posts:
Tidey · 23/06/2010 18:56

Agree with AF's first post, including the wanting to kick him part.

Get help. This is not normal. You are NOT the one with the problem, he most certainly is.

Alambil · 23/06/2010 20:08

0808 2000 247

and 999 the next time he does it.

I mean it.

He needs showing. These "people" only understand one thing and that's getting heavy. They don't do discussions or understanding.

Malificence · 23/06/2010 20:17

If you're still unsure about his motives, turn the tables on him and become sexually demanding - I'd bet good money that he would hate that, he's not interested in an equal and loving sexual relationship, he's an abusive and controlling sadist.

zerominuszero · 23/06/2010 20:26

This sounds really awful, you have my sympathies. Me and OH virtually never had sex during the week before we were TTC, we were just too tired from our jobs. Other than TTC, sex for us is pretty much exclusively limited to weekends.

Presumably your husband isn't satisfied with a wank by himself?

piratecat · 23/06/2010 20:29

op, this makes me feel very sad, and i feel so terrified for you. i hope you can take some of the advice form here and try and see it as him being an abusive arsehole.

ffs

IngaLand · 23/06/2010 20:30

How repulsive!

Does he seriously think this is 'sexy' behaviour that is going to turn you on and encourage you to have sex. Foul

AnyFucker · 23/06/2010 20:33

I am wondering if the Op is going to come back and acknowledge any of these replies

Since I know she is posting elsewhere

SC...are you Ok ?

Coolfonz · 23/06/2010 20:40

Leave him. I'm a fella - and he's a wrong'un.

RespectTheDoughnut · 23/06/2010 20:47

I have absolutely nothing to add, but wanted to add another message backing up what others have said - this is disgusting behaviour & totally beyond what is legal, never mind moral or respectful. OP, I hope that seeing so many people saying the same thing will convince you that you need to get out of this relationship ASAP.

SugarMousePink · 23/06/2010 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RespectTheDoughnut · 23/06/2010 20:56

I'm not sure that the law agrees with me, but I can't help but feel that somebody who physically & verbally pesters somebody who is clearly saying that they don't want sex until they just give up & allow it is a rapist. (Clunky sentence, but YKWIM )

It's not like he just asks you every day - he tries to physically force the issue & systematically wears down your patience. It is disrespectful and nothing to do with sex at all.

& am I misunderstanding, or have you woken up to find him penetrating you? Because if you've not made a prior agreement to that effect (i.e. in a very sub/dom relationship) that is rape!

EricNorthmansmistress · 23/06/2010 20:59

How appalling You don't want sex with him but you have sex because he pressures you into it. This is rape. Normal men do not want to pressure their unwilling partner into sex - normal men do not physically force their partners into sexual acts - normal men do not expect and demand sex from unwilling women. Those are the actions of a rapist.

I'm so sorry - my DH has a high sex drive, would do it twice a day if I let him, but as soon as i say I'm not up for it he stops - because he respects my boundaries and my right to say no when I don't want to have sex.

This man thinks he has rights over you - over your body, and your life. He is a rapist and an abuser. You just have to leave. he will not improve. None of this is your fault.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2010 21:00

If I was penetrated without permission in my sleep I would be very dry and it would be damn painful

I would call that sexual assault and report the fucker to the police

You should not allow anyone to use your body in that way

SugarMousePink · 23/06/2010 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foureleven · 23/06/2010 21:25

fingers-in-ears'

Hopefully she re read a few time suntil it becomes clear that she must leave.

SilverBoots · 24/06/2010 10:32

SC - here, borrow my running shoes - you deserve better.

SantaCruise · 24/06/2010 12:07

Thanks for the advice. I am reading and taking in what is being said. I know I have my blinkers on a lot but you have managed to peel them from me. I am seriously considering leaving. Well, I have already decided to leave but it is very early stages but at least I know now what is going on.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 24/06/2010 12:17

Good luck, ST. It can be scary and painful to suddenly get this whole new perspective on your life. Lots of posters here have experience in leaving abusive relationship. Life really does get so much better!

piratecat · 24/06/2010 12:29

SC glad you came back to tell us how you are and what you have thought about the posts.

It is very very hard to look at your own situation objectively, and thats any situation really. When it concerns your own dh, and your whole life like this it mustbe extremely hard for you to
firstly tell anyone and
secondly, start seeing this situation for how it truly is.

please keep us updated, i am sure you are going to get much support here. good luck. x

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 24/06/2010 12:41

SC I'm sorry that it turns out you are in an abusive relationship and can only assume you didn't realise that, or didn't want to share that on your other thread about the stalker college friend.

Be careful therefore, not to think that your H's reaction to this man is flawed, just because your H is abusive. That college bloke really should be avoided, abusive H or not.

SantaCruise · 24/06/2010 13:07

Yes I agree Whenwill - I think I've worked out what the college lad wanted me for anyway - he interpreted me saying I'd "help" him for me saying I'd do his assignments for him!! Saw him on Tuesday and he was under the impression that I would write an assignment for him as he was behind. I think all along he's just been using me for this purpose. He's one of these people that wants to pass his course but doesn't want to put the work in so thinks its fine to try and get other people to do it for him!
Ever since I refused to write an assignment for him, I've not heard a thing from him!! Cheeky sod.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 24/06/2010 21:23

AH, only just made the connection. I thought (and said) on the other thread that your H was overreacting and there were several alarm bells ringing. Chin up. There are loads of MNers with experience of getting rid of horrible men, all of whom can give you practical advice and virtual hand-holding, you can do it and life will get better.

GrendelsMum · 24/06/2010 21:37

Well done for standing up to the college lad, SantaCruise.

There's a lot of people here with support and advice on leaving an abusive relationship, and who can reassure you that you'll come out smiling on the other side.

RespectTheDoughnut · 24/06/2010 22:19

Well done for realising that you need to leave - that's a massive step already.

People here are always beyond supportive, so you're never alone. Now you have to start working towards getting this awful man out of your life. You will feel so much better once you do.

Gigantaur · 24/06/2010 22:21

its great news that you are looking to make steps to have him out of your life. please dont allow feelings of guilt or fear to prevent you from reaching taht goal.

What are your steps going to be? if you let us know what you are planning we can maybe give you some advice on the best way of moving forward.

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