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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think I might be pregnant and DP and I are on the verge of splitting up.

92 replies

bouncy · 15/07/2003 16:52

DP moved in several months ago, at first it all seemed to be going well, but lately he has become all jealous over little things.

It all started when we went for a night out with friends, I bumped into an old schoolfriend (male) we never went out or anything, but really had a good laugh at school and I spend about 15 minutes chatting to him, which dp seemed happy chatting to the other group, when we got home he walked straight upstairs got the pillow and duvet and went to sleep on the settee, he completely ignored me for 2 days until I finally got out of him what was the problem. I told him he was being silly, but he still had a cob on for a few days.

The last month has been awful, to make matters worse my best friend has come back from travelling and I have not seen her for 18 months and we have a lot of catching up to do, so I have been going out more. Dp moaned about being left to look after MY son, so I asked mum to look after ds while I went out, this was of course wrong. Anyway later on DP walked into the pub and proceeded to sit down and ruin our night, he took the mickey and belittled me in front of my friend, who is now questioning why I am with him.

To make matters worse, I am 3 days late, and I am never late.

OP posts:

pie · 17/07/2003 13:49

bouncy, did you DP agree with the 'mate', presumably he is talking about DS?

I really can't believe the crap you are having to go through. I hope that the space gives him the chance to think.

I'll be thinking of you.

M2T · 17/07/2003 14:58

Good for you Bouncy! Very brave and admirable. I really hope this teaches him a lesson and things all work out rosy. Which ever way it goes you have done the right thing in the long run.

lou33 · 17/07/2003 16:28

Bouncy, you are a strong and wonderful woman, being able to face this head on right now. You have my utmost respect .

Original poster

bouncy · 17/07/2003 16:54

Thanks for your kind words, I am leaving for home in 10 minutes, My wonderful sister is having DS tonight so that if things do kick off then he will not be there to witness it. I am actually getting butterflies in my tummy and dreading this.

OP posts:

ForestFly · 17/07/2003 16:56

Good Luck, be brave, thinking of you!!!!!

Original poster

bouncy · 17/07/2003 20:36

AHH, Got home from work and P had tidied the house up and had cooked a dinner and put candles out and everything.......what does a girl do.

I stuck to my guns and asked him to pack a bag and leave me alone to think, he was devastated, and took a while before he actually left.

I do not think I was wrong in what I have done, I mean I do not want him to think I can be bought off with a tidy up and meal.

OP posts:

Loobie · 17/07/2003 20:44

Exactly bouncy good for you for sticking to your guns,maybe he will begin to realise what he could be loosing and that you wont easily be passed over.Dont feel you have to stay just for the unborn child as you said you done it once you can do it again.

Batters · 17/07/2003 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bouncy · 18/07/2003 08:22

, last night has a nightmare, we went to the pub and got drunk, then started knocking on the door at 2 am, I am so glad ds was not there. He said some really hurtful things and I have decided that 100% I do not want to be with. I feel so hurt and angry and worst of all feel frustrated. My sister is having ds for the weekend, give me time to sort myself out. I am not going to work today, I will be clearing out HIS stuff.
If some of you knew what I was thinking

OP posts:

mears · 18/07/2003 10:06

Are you 100% sure what you are doing. A friend of mine went down this road and threw her dp out after a series of arguments when she was pregnant. She wanted to teach him a lesson and hoped he would return and all would be well. He decided he could not tolerate being treated like that and left permanently. A couple of years ago they made up their differences but that was prior to him dying of cancer. They both agreed that they had done the wrong thing and had got overwhelmed with anger. He did eventually see his dd when she was 4 and then had regular access. His dd was 12 when he died.
I am not trying to be melodramatic but just want to make sure you are clear in your head what you are planning. Do you want it to be permanent?

mears · 18/07/2003 10:07

Not sure if I should have posted that, but it is done now. Sorry

pie · 18/07/2003 10:29

Bouncy, so sorry to hear how it is going. As mears said I hope you are as sure as you can be that you don't want to be with him? Its terrible that he feels he can just say hurtful things to you. The way he's been acting from word go has been terrible. I guess maybe your thinking about what it would be like if you stayed with him and he didn't change, which IMO would probably make you feel terrible on a daily basis.

In an earlier post you said you weren't sure if you loved him still, are you any clearer about your feelings.

{{hugs{}}}

whymummy · 18/07/2003 10:36

good luck bouncy with whatever you decide for the future,you say if we knew what youre thinking,im sure that whatever it is if is what you want go ahead,is your life
hugs xxxxxx

spikeycat · 18/07/2003 10:37

Bouncy, I'm thinking of you, if your sister is having ds for the weekend is there anyone that can come and stay with you or you can go and see, just so you don't have to have to put up with anymore abuse on your own (if he comes back).
Go with how you feel, I'm sure things will work out for the best, just put yourself, ds and little one first.

M2T · 18/07/2003 12:44

Bouncy - it's times like these that show you peoples true colours. I know that it's a huge decision, but I really think from your posts that it's the right one.

What ARE you thinking??? That sentence on your post slightly concerned me. Are you okay?

{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}

ThomCat · 18/07/2003 13:18

Bouncy - it's a blip, you had a bad night and you're feeling shit today - that's OK and normal, you're bound to feel down, a lot, but you'll have days when you feel strong and you'll deal with this all a lot better than you are today. Whatever you decide you know we'll all support you, as whymummy said it's your life and you'll make the right decision for you. This may sound a bit uggghhh, but it WILL all come out ok in the wash! You're going to be alright, it may take a while but you'll get there and in the meantime we're all here for you. Massive hug coming your way {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Original poster

bouncy · 18/07/2003 13:28

Thanks for your kind comments.

Mears, I do not mind at all by what you have put.

Yes I am 100% sure its over. Its funny but when things come to a head, you start to hear other things.

P sent a bunch of flowers to work, and my friend at work has just bought then round (they are in the dustbin clearly visable). She said that he has phoned up a few times and I have been at lunch (I go at various times and do not know until the day what time usually) and when they told him I was out to lunch, he asked all sorts of questions "Who with?" etc etc and got really narky about it.

My sister also told me that when he had collected ds from her, he did the 20 questions with her. But the thing I find most unforgivable is that when I have not been around he has not been as loving towards DS as he shows when I am around.

I am sure its over because his drinking started to get out of control and I was starting to feel a little uneasy.

M2T, I am so sorry for my earlier comment, sorry if I worried anyone, I just feel lost at the moment and wish I was not pregnant. Don't supose I can talk about abortion on a mothers site.

Sorry for ranting on, sister is one of these "Oh just get on with it" and my friends have moved away and here I feel as though I can be honest without having people fussing around me, Does that make sense.

OP posts:

ThomCat · 18/07/2003 13:41

Of course you can talk about abortion here, talk away if that's what you want to talk about. No matter what people think on the subject I'm sure everyone will be supportive.

mears · 18/07/2003 13:42

You can talk about anything on this site Bouncy. It is a mothers site - you are a mother. There will be people on this site who will be experiencing or have experienced your dilemma. Don't feel that you cannot discuss it here. You ned to be able to get support in whatever decision you need to make.

pie · 18/07/2003 14:03

Thats horrible about P treating DS differently when you are not around, horrible. And to ask questions about where you are at lunch?? He is really not getting it is he?

I don't think anyone would blame you for the thoughts you are having now. It would be your right and choice to proceed with this pregnancy however works out best for you. Whatever happens I think that you are showing great strength, even if you don't feel strong. I really hope you find some peace and can figure out stuff.

pie xxxx

easy · 18/07/2003 14:19

Bouncy,
Please don't feel that the abortion subject is taboo. For every single mum who is happy that she kept her child, there is one who regrets that decision.

You already know that a baby is ahuge responsibility, and will disrupt your life (and that of your son) beyond belief. If, after all the issues have been considered, you feel you can't handle having a baby at this stage in your life, then follow your Own heart and head.

I feel that if you have the baby against your better judgement, you are damaging 3 lives, yours, your son's and the baby's. Your ds is already here, doesn't he deserve at least as much consideration as a 1 month foetus?

I realise that my views are contraversial, many people will disagree. I have just put my view as I think you will get many anti abortion messages, you need support to make YOUR decision.

Keep in touch

LOL

prufrock · 18/07/2003 14:35

Bouncy please don't feel that you can't use this site to discuss ALL your options- Mumsnet wouldn't be much good as a support tool if we couldn't speak about the really big issues.

I would probably be considering an abortion in your situation - not sure if I would go through with it, but would definately think carefully about it. But don't do anything right now. You do have a few weeks to make your decision and you really shouldn't rush into anything. Give yourself some time to get your head around the huge changes in you life and think about what you really want, for you, your ds and a possible future child

WideWebWitch · 18/07/2003 14:52

Agree, with everyone else bouncy - you CAN talk about abortion here, of course you can. No time now but may post more later. Just wanted to send sympathy though. I'd be worried by the jealousy and treatment of your ds too. But you have some time, you don't have to do anythng yet until you've had a good think and explored all the options.

eefs · 18/07/2003 15:56

just a thought - how do you think DP would react if you did terminate the pregnancy?
I'm not expressing an opinion either way here, but I would be concerned over this as dp sounds as if he's not reacting too well to you two splitting up.

BEENTHERE · 18/07/2003 16:22

Oh Bouncy. I've been in your shoes.
Some years ago I found out I was pregnant at the same time I realised my boyfriend wasn't the one.

My advice to you is to contact the British Pregnancy Advisory Service. They were my salvation. I had a very long counselling session with them before making my decision. They arranged my abortion and also offer a post-abortion counselling service, if needed.
You'll find them in the Yellow Pages. I hope they are in your area.

My further advice is DO NOT give yourself a deadline to make a decision. That will only put pressure on you. You are living with this every second of the day - to visualise it as a timebomb that needs to be diffused by, say, the end of the day or week will not help to keep your mind clear.
Then, I would visualise every scenario possible to you. What if you decided to make a go of the relationship - proposed to your DP? What if you had an abortion? What if you had the child, but on your own? Visualise every possibility and think about which one you feel comfortable with.
Lastly, sod the housework and other chores for a while. Take as much time out as possible for yourself. Long baths, walks in fresh air. Pamper yourself if you can.

Everyone's experience is different, but the advice I have given you is how I tackled the problem. By the time I had the abortion I had 100% made up my mind. I was not in doubt. Afterwards I cried with relief. I had my body back and my freedom back.

But, I will never forget the baby I didn't have. I believe that women who say they see it as 'just a bunch of cells' are lying. I killed my baby but I know I did the right thing and I do not and will never regret it.

I will be thinking of you, Bouncy, and hope it all turns out well. Best wishes.

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