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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Innocent young gay lad or potential nutter? Opinions needed

69 replies

SantaCruise · 18/06/2010 07:12

Sorry for the name-change but my usual name makes me immediately identifyable to people who may know me. I'm having concerns about a person I have just befriended. It started at college when a young bloke joined late in the course. He was very loud but funny as hell, I took an instant like to him but secretely wondered if he was gay. Not that it mattered or it was any of my business, I was just curious because although he wasn't your average Boy-George, he did come across as being "gay" and I was just nosy.
I would never have mentioned it to anyone else but I overheard a couple of other people talking and wondering aloud if he was gay. One of them said she'd asked him and he'd denied it. So from this, I assumed it wasn't just me that thought he could be gay.
(Again, not that it mattered! it was just curiousity).
Then I was speaking to someone else later in the course who laughed that she had asked him outright and he had said he wasn't gay. So from this point I just assumed he wasn't.
I hadn't had much to do with him, never spoke in depth to him or anything, just laughed along with his jokes and gave the odd wave when I saw him around college. I thought he was a funny, nice guy.
Fast forward to last week, the two of us where in a room of people we didn't know so naturally gravitated toward one another, got talking, left the building together and he walked to the bus stop with me. During this walk, he told me he'd had to suddenly leave his last city, leave his flat, his car, his job etc and come back home to where we live now. It sounded like an emergency evacuation but all he said was that something really bad happened and he'd had to leave instantly. He also told me was having trouble with the college work and was afraid he was going to get chucked off the course and that he was gay.
So I offered to help him with his work where I could. He took me up on it and asked if I had facebook. I gave him my name and he said he'd add me to facebook.
That night, he did add me to facebook and sent me a msg asking for my mobile number. In the msg he called me "babe" and ended it with lots of xxxxx's. DH saw and was not impressed. I said "oh don't worry, he's gay!". DH not convinced.
I gave him my number. I Wrong decision maybe? I then got another msg saying "thanks, I'll phone you in a bit xxxx"
Anyway I heard nothing from him all night. Assumed he'd managed to get himself sorted. Then yesterday evening he sent me another msg on facebook asking if it was ok to call. I made my excuses. He said he'd leave it.
That evening I'm stood in the kitchen with DH, my phone rings. DH not impressed at all. I answer it and he asks about this work, keeps me on the phone half an hour, panicking about a bit of work he'd lost and then miraculously finds it at the end of the convo. I wish him luck and say good bye. 15 minutes later, he calls back asking about another bit of work. Keeps me talking. Finds the work at the end of the covo apologises and we end the call. 5 minutes later, he calls back. When I pick up he calls himself my stalker (not highly unusual for him to talk like this, he is a joker but it was starting to get a bit wierd). Asks me to run through the work again. I do. DH getting really pissed off at this point and asks "are you SURE he's gay??"
I apologise to DH after the call, leave my phone on the kitchen side and go and get a shower. When I get out, DH mutters "your stalker called again AND left you a text". I read the text in which he offers to call again with some info I may find useful for my own work. I thank him but decline his offer (it was getting on for 9pm) and tell him I'll see him tomorow (today) at college. He apologises with a X. DH spits "why does he keep putting kisses on everything???" so I try to assure him its just the way he talks. I then get another text off him with just "X". DH spitting feathers at this point. I apologise!
10.40pm I get another text asking "are you still up?"

FFS - DH really not comfortable with this now and thinks the guy is some kind of psycho. Is he just being paranoid or should I distance myself from this lad?

OP posts:
ditavonteesed · 18/06/2010 07:19

think dh sounds paranoid, everyone I lnow ends texts with xx. alsos ounbds like he is stressed and needs a friend.

SantaCruise · 18/06/2010 07:23

Well I think he is really sweet personally. My phone altogether recorded 6 calls from him in one evening though so I can kind of see why DH is starting to get uncomfortable with it.
I think if some woman called him 6 times in one night I wouldn't be impressed!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2010 07:24

I would distance myself from this person for your sake because he has well and truly latched onto you now. If he has trouble with his college work then the college themselves are the best people to help him, you should have encouraged him to approach his tutor. Alarm bells are ringing here.

AnyFucker · 18/06/2010 07:26

I think that bloke is OTT, and you should withdraw a bit

I dunno if he is gay and/or a nutter (in your words) but he certainly seems to be rather intrusive and to have very poor manners

Your dh seems a little jealous though...although I can understand his reaction to the repeated calls/texts

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2010 07:26

I would not call him sweet, I would call him obsessive. He is escalating his contact with you rapidly and I sincerely hope he does not know where you reside.

AnyFucker · 18/06/2010 07:27

yes, 6 calls in one evening...far too much

AlaskaNebraska · 18/06/2010 07:29

i hate the text xxx thing

AlaskaNebraska · 18/06/2010 07:29

get dh to answer

SantaCruise · 18/06/2010 07:30

No he doesn't know where I live thankfully. I honestly think that if he did, he would have made a visit last night. Like DH said, what could he possibly need at 10.40pm? I'd already helped him all I could during the other 6 calls.
He has asked where I live and I gave a very, very broad answer "near the uni".

OP posts:
SantaCruise · 18/06/2010 07:31

Actually I have suggested to DH that if he calls again tonight, he can answer it and offer to take a msg. Not sure I could trust him with it though! lol

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2010 07:40

Unfortuantely your good intentions have partly led to such a situation. I think it will take a lot of effort on your part for him to cease contact.

I would talk to your college tutor as well re him (and the police as well if he keeps on contacting you). He is fast becoming a nuisance and I don't think your DH is too far off the mark when he calls him a stalker. This man may well not take no for an answer from you either if you ask him to stop contacting you.

SantaCruise · 18/06/2010 07:45

I know, I do feel responsible, I should never have given him my number, especially as I hardly know him. I just wanted to make sure he didn't get chucked off the course. I'm starting to wonder if he's actually on the course though. It ends next week and he's still not enrolled. He's just been turning up to classes despite not actually being officially enrolled.

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 18/06/2010 07:53

He sounds a bit intense. I would back off and try to limit your contact with him. Not in a way that would show that you were shunning him, just be less 'available to chat' if you see what I mean.

DuelingFanjo · 18/06/2010 07:55

your DH needs to get a grip.

malovitt · 18/06/2010 07:58

I would call the police in his previous city, give his name and ask if he is known to them.

DuelingFanjo · 18/06/2010 08:01

what? Are you serious Malovitt?

Call the police?

ChuckBartowski · 18/06/2010 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

maduggar · 18/06/2010 08:14

Erm, I think phoning the police because a lonely stressed guy phoned you a few times after you gave him your number

I think your DH was being a bit out of order to start with. Fair enough getting annoyed at the 6th call, but at the first couple? Are you not allowed to talk to friends? Id be a bit worried aboutthat.

I also do think your friend is calling too much, give him some ground rules. Tell him to only call if it cant wait til college/cant be sorted via facebook. No more than 2 calls MAX a day, and no calls after 9pm. Ignore calls outwith these rules. He sounds very needy tbh.

harleyd · 18/06/2010 08:14

i think your dh sounds a bit ott really

maduggar · 18/06/2010 08:15

Are you only allowed to be friends with guys if they are gay? Is that why you added the whole gay bit in?

LoveBeing34 · 18/06/2010 08:17

He's latched onto cause he doesn't know anyone. He might be gay he might not, but there are many people who put xxxxx at the end of everything just like they put lol at the dnx of everything.

I think it's going to be hard to get the messagevthrough without being quite firm. Just remember that because your phone rings you don't have to answer it!

RudeEnglishLady · 18/06/2010 08:19

I think the mans sexuality is neither here nor there. I think I get what you mean, as in 'well if he's gay he's not after sex, DH should calm down'. However, gay people respect manners and propriety the same as straight people and calling so many times in one night is out-of-order! If it was a woman it would be just as annoying / creepy. Just tell him nicely that calling more than twice in a night is too disruptive for your household and you'll meet him for a coffee in the refectory at break or whatever.

A neighbour once latched onto me like this and I just thought she was really friendly and a bit lonely. She actually had quite serious mental health issues and got very threatening to myself and the other neighbours whenever we did something that didnt suit her. Like not answer the phone or go out or something. Not saying that will happen here its just that I get the sense you feel something is not quite right and you should respect your instincts.

BitOfFun · 18/06/2010 08:19

at callng the police.

He just sounds a bit immature to me. Nothing sinister about it. Just tell him you can't spend all night n the phone, and tell your husband to get a grip.

mustrunmore · 18/06/2010 08:22
  1. Is he really a boy and you a grown up, the way you make it sound? Not that I think it makes any diff, just wondering what the age diff is. Maybe it makes a diff to my opinion of your dh's reaction?

2.Dont forget, people have diff ideas of whats an acceptable level of contact. Me, I never call anyone as I think its intrusive, but I text alot. Even for someone that sends an ave of 2000 texts a month, I've still been mightily peed off with people over-texting me if I dont know them that well.

3.I think he does sounbd a bit like he's latched no to you as he doesnt have many other friends to hang out with etc. Boredom/spare time also heightens the intensity of relationships that might otherwise be very casual.

mustrunmore · 18/06/2010 08:24

Oh, and I tend to put xxx at the end though habit, and also because then when I dont, people I text regularly will know I'm seriuos/pissedoff/in a hurry!