Innocent young gay lad or potential nutter? Opinions needed

[SantaCruise]

Sorry for the name-change but my usual name makes me immediately identifyable to people who may know me. I'm having concerns about a person I have just befriended. It started at college when a young bloke joined late in the course. He was very loud but funny as hell, I took an instant like to him but secretely wondered if he was gay. Not that it mattered or it was any of my business, I was just curious because although he wasn't your average Boy-George, he did come across as being "gay" and I was just nosy.
I would never have mentioned it to anyone else but I overheard a couple of other people talking and wondering aloud if he was gay. One of them said she'd asked him and he'd denied it. So from this, I assumed it wasn't just me that thought he could be gay.
(Again, not that it mattered! it was just curiousity).
Then I was speaking to someone else later in the course who laughed that she had asked him outright and he had said he wasn't gay. So from this point I just assumed he wasn't.
I hadn't had much to do with him, never spoke in depth to him or anything, just laughed along with his jokes and gave the odd wave when I saw him around college. I thought he was a funny, nice guy.
Fast forward to last week, the two of us where in a room of people we didn't know so naturally gravitated toward one another, got talking, left the building together and he walked to the bus stop with me. During this walk, he told me he'd had to suddenly leave his last city, leave his flat, his car, his job etc and come back home to where we live now. It sounded like an emergency evacuation but all he said was that something really bad happened and he'd had to leave instantly. He also told me was having trouble with the college work and was afraid he was going to get chucked off the course and that he was gay.
So I offered to help him with his work where I could. He took me up on it and asked if I had facebook. I gave him my name and he said he'd add me to facebook.
That night, he did add me to facebook and sent me a msg asking for my mobile number. In the msg he called me "babe" and ended it with lots of xxxxx's. DH saw and was not impressed. I said "oh don't worry, he's gay!". DH not convinced.
I gave him my number. I Wrong decision maybe? I then got another msg saying "thanks, I'll phone you in a bit xxxx"
Anyway I heard nothing from him all night. Assumed he'd managed to get himself sorted. Then yesterday evening he sent me another msg on facebook asking if it was ok to call. I made my excuses. He said he'd leave it.
That evening I'm stood in the kitchen with DH, my phone rings. DH not impressed at all. I answer it and he asks about this work, keeps me on the phone half an hour, panicking about a bit of work he'd lost and then miraculously finds it at the end of the convo. I wish him luck and say good bye. 15 minutes later, he calls back asking about another bit of work. Keeps me talking. Finds the work at the end of the covo apologises and we end the call. 5 minutes later, he calls back. When I pick up he calls himself my stalker (not highly unusual for him to talk like this, he is a joker but it was starting to get a bit wierd). Asks me to run through the work again. I do. DH getting really pissed off at this point and asks "are you SURE he's gay??"
I apologise to DH after the call, leave my phone on the kitchen side and go and get a shower. When I get out, DH mutters "your stalker called again AND left you a text". I read the text in which he offers to call again with some info I may find useful for my own work. I thank him but decline his offer (it was getting on for 9pm) and tell him I'll see him tomorow (today) at college. He apologises with a X. DH spits "why does he keep putting kisses on everything???" so I try to assure him its just the way he talks. I then get another text off him with just "X". DH spitting feathers at this point. I apologise!
10.40pm I get another text asking "are you still up?"

FFS - DH really not comfortable with this now and thinks the guy is some kind of psycho. Is he just being paranoid or should I distance myself from this lad?

lad = 16 - 20 years old, yes?

Young, scared, lonely and has latched onto you you as both a fun female and a reassuringly mummylike person.

Explain you go to bed at 9 but your husband would take a message because he's great to you like that.

I was about to comment on this, deleted it, then thought: 'ere, wait a minute, if he hasn't even registered for the course yet, how come he could be in danger of being chucked off it? Sounds a bit threadbare. Get some firm boundaries set with this fellow asap, and if he doesn't respect them, complain to the college. The police thing may be an option further down the line!

Second issue is of course about H's reaction. A normal chap might well be exasperated about the excessive calls and just possibly a little concerned about your safety. Your H sounds like my ex - every bloke "wants to get in your knickers" (horrible expression) and of course you'd be too stupid/gullible/oversexed to say no. Maybe he needs some boundaries set too.

I didn't mean call the local police because of these phone calls.

I meant contact the police where he used to live, and ask if he is known to them for harassment/stalking. I would certainly want to know why he had to leave his previous city in a hurry, leaving everything behind. That sounds serious to me, though having been on the receiving end of something like this, maybe I'm overcautious.

ordinarily I would say that calling the police would be ott, but:

A man tells a woman that he had to leave his job, city, home in a hurrybut gives no reason. Within hours of doing so said man has befriended the woman on facebook, has obtained her phone number and is calling six times a night and sending numerous text messages. My guess would be that either:

He had to leave his town/city in a hurry because he's done something that he's run away from.

Or he never had to leave his town/city at all, and has thrown this into the mix because he wants to scare you. The initial "I had to leave in a hurry" could have been a play for sympathy, but now he's getting intense there's no doubt that this revellation would make you think.

Op - have you looked as his fb page? Does he have many friends? is there a lot of wall posts/conversing/status updating etc going on? Have you googled him?

Your husband sounds very paranoid - yes, a lot of calls may get very annoying but what's this chap being gay got to do with anything? Comes across like your husband sees sexual motives in everyone and that you are only allowed to associate with gay men.

The poor boy is obviously struggling and lathed onto you as someone who might offer him a bit of support.

Set some boundaries and tell him not to phone you after a certain time, or too often, as you need to have quality time with your husband.

And tell your husband that not everyone has such low motives- his suspicions reflect badly on him.

whether gay or not, lad sounds at best v. immature and in need of boundaries, at worst, draining and a potential stalker. I would keep a distance. but your husband also sounds like a pita, overly keen to be jealous.

I have never heard anything like it. I would have a panic button installed and get police protection right now.

Your poor dh, you are married ffs. How dare other male personages speak to you? No wonder people end up divorced.

I think your husband sounds way over the top.. why so stressy about a few phone calls... Personally I wouldnt have answered after the second or third one.. let him leave a message. Put some bounderies up and stick to them.. really not worth stressing/getting angry over.. tell your DH to take a chill pill and stop apologising for someone ringing you woman!!

i agree with others - he is too intense. just be on your guard.

lol @ hully

I would be more concerned about your DH's behaviour than this lads.

Nutjob. Steer well clear. Unfriend him and ignore him. I would be inclined to investigate his claim of having to leave the place he came from too.

Sounds lonely to me - although I would find the numerous calls intrusive and annoying IIWY or DH

Create some boundaries and some distance

He sounds to me like he feels wary of the other people on the course and that is why he has denied his sexuality to them. He obviously feels he can trust you and it is not unusual for adolescents with a possibly damaged past to latch on to older women.

You are in control of how you respond. It would not be unreasonable to say that you don't answer the phone in the evening because it is family time (i say this all the time) but that you are happy to have lunch with him to help him work out his college issues. And you can then persuade him to go and talk to his tutor etc

Really how you manage tis will determine whether it becomes a drama or just helping a young man who is obviously struggling in a way that is acceptable to you. DH is being an arse by the way!!

Any update today?

Both you and your DH are blinded by monogamism which is why you are making a pig's ear of this situation. You're both focusing on whether or not this bloke might want to have sex with you and that's actually irrelevant.
FWIW he sounds very messed up and it is likely that he's got stalker tendencies with little or nothing to do with sexual desire - that intense level of contact in one night suggests someone desperate, with crappy boundaries. I would suggest doing a little discreet checking with the college authorities or whatever, maybe the welfare department? FWIW calling the police to ask about his past history won't get you anywhere unless he was charged/convicted AFAIK.

He's young, he's gay, he was probably drunk or other, and the gay guys I know (not that many!) act like this without even thinking about it.

In his eyes, you're his new buddy. You're in his speed dial, and he can depend on you!

I can fully understand you taking others advice and nipping it in the bud, though.

But stay friends - I bet he knows some wild parties! Just break it to him gently that you're married, settled down, etc..

I agree with SGB's last post.

And want to add it's not your job to sort out his college problems, or his homework problems. He has flattered you into thinking that you're somehow special or capable or trustworthy and can depend on you to do this and confide his personal secrets to you. He sounds like a leech.

Disengage for the sake of your sanity and possibly your safety.

Well the next morning (yesterday) he phoned me at 11am and seemed to have trouble remembering which friend I was!! Sounded half asleep, was supposed to be in college for 10am and hadn't even got up until 11am as he said he'd been up all night getting his assignments done.

Fair enough, I just left him to it.

Then, last night at 7.20pm he phoned again to tell me how he'd got on at college. DH immediately starts getting irate which puts pressure on me because my friend is cracking jokes and being his usual funny self and if I laugh too much DH will have a fit I got off the phone at 7.30pm. DH gives me a hard time, telling me its getting beyond a joke and he wants to punch him So imagine my horror when 10 minutes later, he calls back. DH flies into a rage and storms off into the kitchen. I answer and tell my friend I'm on my way out so can't stay on long (lie - I hate lying so felt awful) and he tells me he's printed off some work I'll need for next week (as I couldn't get in yesterday). Very sweet of him. I thank him. But DH is back and watching me very carefully. Pressure is on to say the right things at this point Friend asks if I want to go and pick it up from his house (lives with his parents). I say maybe sometime over the weekend - when I get off the phone DH goes off on one saying I'm encouraging him and there is no way I am going to his house and if it carries on he'll go around and beat the crap out of him. I get annoyed and tell him to grow up, he says I obviously enocurage him for a reason - bit of a messy argument, I eventually manage to difuse it before it got out of hand and we sit down to watch the football.

Guess what happened next?

My phone starts ringing I ignore it - DH is spitting feathers - I let it ring off. Then I get a text asking if I'm into photography. DH kicks off saying "see! I told you! its not about the college work anymore! he's trying to have general chit chat with you now! he'll be asking you to go out for a drink next!!"

So - bascially its not going down to well but I am getting more fed of of dh's reaction than the phonecalls themselves tbh. I get the impression I'll never be allowed male friends. Which is a shame because I've ALWAYS got on much better with men than women and most of my friends (when I get them! not had any friends for a while) tend to be male.

Oh tell dh to feck off. Anyone think his has the flavour of an aibu by stelath ?

Dh morphs from concerned partner to raving loon.

Apparantly I'm out of order for adding a smily face (not a kiss, a smily face!) to the end of my text. That is encouraging him and flirting apparantly.
I have no friends because I've been a complete recluse for years tbh. I'm just starting to branch out into the world again and I'm discovering that DH does not like me having male friends.

I've no idea about the young chap. At all.

Strikes me that his persistence, though, is raising buried issues between you and dh.

Like the last few posters, I'm thinking "why does OP have no friends?" My guess is that you (subconsciously) filter people out because you second-guess your dh's reaction. This other person's persistence has jumped over the barriers you usually have in place, hence bringing to the fore underlying behaviour on your dh's part.

Yes, your dh is beyond "odd". It's controlling and scary.

As for the other chap ... who knows? I, personally, wouldn't be on for being rung that often, or being required to give that level of support. So I'd signal that, nicely, and expect to be heeded. If I wasn't heeded, I'd take it up with other forms of authority. It's in the listening to others, and accepting their boundaries that the markers of dysfunctional behaviour lie.

Which brings us back to your dh.

He's seriously over and across reasonable boundaries here.