The real story

[TheRealPerson]

This is the last thread I will start on this topic. I know I need to leave. I am trying to arrange that but I need coping stratagies for while I am still here.

I'll have to be pretty brief as it is a long story.

I was thrown out at 16 (mum got re-married and I was surplus to requirements). My father had already died. I looked desperately for someone to love me. I found someone who I thought did. I had my first child at the age of 17. We ran up huge debts but were stupid and had another child 2 years later. We never truely loved each other, we were both just looking for a way forward.

2 years later, he cheated on me. I left. All the debts were in my name. I worked hard and paid them all off myself and then very stupidly allowed him to move back in. Didn't like being alone. He ran up more debts. There was violence, complete lack of respect and in the end, violence. He then cheated again and moved in with a much older woman (mother figure?)

So I'm on my own on a very rough council estate raising two young boys on benefits. Every night I have kids in the garden, wrecking the car, stealing things from the shed, banging on the windows - on one occasion a teenager climbed into the back garden and just trashed the place whilst I was alone inside. Why? because he thought I'd stolen his younger brother's football (he later found it stuck in a bush).

I was scared, lonely, fed up, depressed. I looked for a relationship and ended up with a loser. Wasted a few years with him. Finished it. Spent a couple of years on my own again, struggled with my sanity, decided I could not cope anymore and asked my mum if her husband would act as a guarantor so I coould rent a private house. He said yes. I asked again before looking for a house to confirm, he said yes. I found a house, asked him again, he promised. Went to look at the house, loved it, asked him again if he was sure, he said yes. Secured the house - asked him to sign the papers - guess what, arsehole has "changed his mind". Desperate I went back to dating. Found current partner. Moved in very, very quickly simply because I was so desperate to get away from that area. YES YOU ALL WARNED ME NOT TO AND YOU KNEW I WAS MAKING A MISTAKE. you were right, I was wrong. I was frighetend and didn't know what to do.

It was ok at first, we all got along ok but then the controlling attitude came up. His wierd ways, the issues with the daughter. She's wetting the bed everynight and he doesn't even make her shower or change her sheets. She is scared of having friends over because she knows the room stinks of piss. She makes up constant illnesses for attention. One of which partner was actually going to take her to doctors over despite knowing she didn't have it - just to keep the peace.

I am at college, I am trying to better myself, I want to leave and be by myself with my boys but I can't. As I'm not working, I can't go private and there is a 3 year waiting list for the council.

I swear partner and his ex have mental health issues. His ex sends the daughter wierd texts about having sex with different men and using people and how she wants to kill herself. When I tell DP, he just shakes his head and says "I told you, she's nuts" and burries his head in the sand. When she goes out with her mother, she has to pay for her own busfares and and her own lunch. At easter, the mother didn't buy her an egg and instead threw a tantrum in a shop because DSD wouldn't buy HER an egg.

I sit here thinking is it me or them that is absolutely nuts? Sometimes I think it must be me, because partner seems unfazed by all the wierdness and when I think back, there is no wonder you all think I'm a troll, the story is so fucking wierd, I have trouble understanding it.

I feel for dsd but I need to get away asap. But in the meantime how do I cope with it all? How do I emotionally detach from it all?

I will reply on this if its needed but I won't post anymore threads on the subject.

so you've acknowledged you'll leave....think you now need to focus your energies there

Do you have a job?

No I'm at college. I'm trying to train to be a nurse. I applied for many jobs prior to this and got nowhere. Even cleaning jobs etc.

Have you tried somewhere like CAB to find out what your options might be on accommodation? If you're not working, then I'd have thought you'd be eligible for housing benefit.

I think step 1 definitely has to be to think about how you can move out - at least to have a definite plan in mind if you can't do it yet.

His DD is a worry, but you have to balance up how you can help her with how to protect yourself and you two boys. Can you speak to her about the wetting? She should be getting medical help with that, rather than about made-up illnesses. At the very least could you get her a waterproof sheet and make her change her bed every morning when she's had an accident? Also tell her to shower every morning (whether or not she's had an accident, she's getting to the age where BO becomes a problem)

There's not much you can do about her parents - they do sound like they have problems, but if you can help her to help herself a bit then their bad influence would at least be reduced a bit.

Oh, and a future plan - you do need to talk to a counsellor about how to avoid these relationships. You know that already, I'm sure. Do try the one at college - even if you feel you're just saying "They are weirdos" the counsellor can still talk about how come you end up with weirdos and losers, and how to change the way you look at the world so you don't feel you have to have someone rather than being able to face it as a single mother.

Can I just ask, truly, what is the reason that you don't change her sheets or take her PJs and wash them. I know she might shout but you just have to rise above that and know as the parent ( or step parent, whatever) that you know best. and you know what is good for her, over and above her teenage opinions.

I just cant really get my head around this at all, so that's why I'm asking so directly. I think this is somewhat nuts I have to say ( you did ask) He needs to tell her its not OK for her to wet the bed, and not shower. I find it staggering that he isn't telling her this. If she is so dedicated to her dad she is likely to what he tells her. Have you bought a repellent plastic mattress? Or is she sleeping on the same mattress she is pissing on for a long time? How must that feel?

If you feel that she has MH problems, what help are you getting for her?

I personally think that she is crying out to be cared for but no one is doing it.

Re the texts- why are you or partner not simply taking the phone off her and screening these messages? You could get her another sim that her mother doesn't have the number to, for free! Why are you not protecting her from this emotional punishment from her mum?

Have you had any therapy? I think its really important for you to understand what you are doing to be part of this system, and the role you have played in former family systems to prevent these situations pervading for the rest of your life. There is a lot so very wrong here, and you do play a part in that, you need to understand what part it is.

Good luck from 1foot. x

applauds 1 foot

I think you have behaved selfishly with your persuit of a relationship at seeminly any cost, you have also put your sons at risk. You need to recognise their psycological deveopment is seriosly at risk if you continue on this path, and for this reason alone you need to move out:

What income do you have that is yours?

Go to citezens advice, they will tell you about the benefits you will be entitled to, these may enable you to leave and certainly look after you once you have left.

You need to look into emergency housing with the council. It will be a bnb or hostil to start with, but your sons will have you and thats all they need for now.

You may need to arrange storage for your larger possesions for a while.

They will rehouse you somewhere sooner than if you stay there and wait to be moved.

You must concentrate on doing this for your boys. Once you are out of there:

You have alot of issues, you need to see your GP, or CPN, or use the facilities at the college you attend.

Ihe mean time, seperate yourself from this guy and his daughter. They are not your priority, protecting your sons should be your only priority and in the first instance this is to get them out of this house. Have nothing to with them, no sandwiches no opinion on her care or situation. You'll be rid soon enough if you pull your finger out.

You can do this x

It seems like you have been using this site as a sort of therapy, tellng and retelling your story, but wothut ever really moving forward.

Please go to your doctor/use dome other avenue to find some real free counselling and sort your head out. It is YOU that needs to reclaim some agency and power in your own life, and I truly think that decent therapy will be helpfulfor you to do that. Messageboards like this can only do so much, and only when people can actually implement change. For dome psychological reason you are "stuck", and you need to shift that blockage first, then it will all fall into place.

Please find yourself some help and don't be kept in the boxroom of your own life any more! Good luck with it, I hope you get there

Bloody hell. I posted to your other thread, wondering why you were trying to cope with a damaged partner and his abused DD! Now I understand. Thank you.

OK, I'm doubtless telling you stuff you already know. You need to get counselling (and, quite possibly, your DCs as well). Everyone you cared about has let you down, since early childhood. This colours your world view and actually makes it more likely that bad things will continue to happen to you. What with your kids having been through so much crap alongside you, they'll be learning the same unhelpful lessons.

You can get proper, full on, therapy through the NHS. Tell your GP as much as you can bring yourself to tell and request a referral to the MHT. A few sessions with the practice counsellor isn't enough for you. You'll have to wait for your appointment and you may have to push to get the referral. Push!

Are psychotherapy service available to nursing trainees? That might be another avenue to pursue.

Social Services should be involved with your partner's DD. He was abused in childhood; he's inflicting the same abuse on his DD. I feel immensely sorry for the girl but this is waaay too fucked-up for you to deal with. SS should also be trying to rehouse you.

Please ring Women's Aid for advice. I should think it will be better for you &DCs to be in a refuge than where you are. You could also get yourself on their Freedom programme - kick-start your own therapy.

You can improve things, for yourself and your kids, you know. This shit is not your "destiny" and you definitely deserve much better! Get started today, please

I think you have had a hard time on here and you are very brave to come back and ask for help. I have seen a few of your threads and it seems that as soon as you post out come the troll hunters to shout you down
BUT you need to do something now. People get fed up with giving advice which is constantly ignored.
You know you need to leave him and his SD. She isn't your problem, your dc are.
Get help to stand on your own two feet financially and emotionally, and then you will stop lurching from one abusive relationship to another and eventually you will meet someone who respects you and treats you properly.

This is not about troll-hunters shouting anybody down. It is about people's understandable exasperation that the OP continues to post about the whole issue and never implements the advice but just comes back with slightly changed details and is regularly spotted.

Don't you see that this is all part of a script in your life, OP, that you are playing out even here? It is all about helplessness and "yes buts"...

That is why I don't think Mumsnet can help, but that proper therapy might, which is what you need.

Forget the family therapy suggestions on the other thread- it is needed, but you have to hope that the father gets that help without you. The most important thing is that you LEAVE, and get your own help.

The best thing you can do for the girl is to inform social services of what is going on.

Women's Aid is an excellent suggestion- they will be able to support you in turning your life around. Good luck.

Hi there,

this is from your other thread.

"I need councelling but I'm scared to ask. I know I need to work on my own issues because if/when I eventually leave DP, will the whole thing just repeat itself? it always has so far and I think that is due to MY mind, rather than that of other people's.

The college have a councelling service but I just darnt go. I wouldn't know what to say. "Hi, my partner is a nutcase, his daughter is showing signs of going the same way and his ex wife is long gone when it comes to sanity - but I'm the one seeking councelling" ? I know its not funny but its all so crazy."

Are you scared because you will have to face up to the dark truth that you contribute to this situation? that the pain will come flooding out and you're not sure how to cope with it?

Agree with Grace, you need to get started!

Good luck. from 1foot x

Are you doing your nursing course via a hospital? If yes, are they not able to offer some form of accommodation - if only on a temporary basis until you're able to get yourself a little more sorted out?

The reason I've suggested the above is that whilst you acknowledge that you must leave - you seem to be waiting for 5000 quid to fall in to your lap to be able to do so. It's unlikely that it's going to happen and that you're going to find "nice" accommodation. You're probably going to spend a few months in a "dump" - but at least you'll be forging a future for you and your boys.

Good luck from me, too Don't worry about stuff 'flooding out' in counselling, that's what it's for. No therapist will make you face more than you can handle at any one time.

You can say what the hell you like to start your first session. At my first one, I said "In the past ten days I've turned 45, had an ovary removed and my husband left me." The fabulous Tracey (for that was her name) replied, "So you've lost two useless lumps of flesh. Happy birthday." Tracey wouldn't have been everyone's cup of tea, but I knew then she was the one for me

Go for it. How about ringing Women's Aid today?

no idea about boxrooms. I remember you as mrssnape.

And thing is, you've been talking about all these things for as long as most regulars can remember, and have done nothing about them.

Mn can't realistically help you. People can give you advice, but if you don't have the strength or the desire to take on that advice and do something about it then tbh your posting here is pointless and will just frustrate those trying to help you, especially those who have been here before.

I am so glad to see this post from you OP.

This really feels as though you are moving on a little way towards making the moves you need to in order to free yourself from this frustrating half life that you are living.

The first thing you need to do is to educate yourself about what you may be entitled to in order to get re-housed. Call Women's Aid, I am sure they'll be able to point you in the right direction.

Just focus on your boys (I have 2 boys, and there is no way in God's green earth would I be staying and showing them, that this is how a relationship works)

I hope you stay as this name. This post has been a long time coming, and I for one am glad to see that you maybe feeling ready to use MN as a resource for help

Btw - I landed on a Women's Aid doorstep with 2 bags of clothes having fare-dodged across London to get there - they gave me an emergency bit of cash for shampoo and food. You will be OK, you're clearly articulate and doing well at college. Best of luck to you. x

Thank You.

I have emailed woman's aid. I know I should phone them but my emotions are so shaky I know I'll start crying. (I'm dangerously close to it now). I have just smoked my first cigerette in years.

I have also emailed MIND to ask about councelling. Again, can't face that phone call.

I am not coping. There is other stuff. Sexual abuse from childhood, unresolved issues with my parents (like hearing my mum tell her husband that their life would be so much better if it was just those two and their new baby - if I wasn't there). She left me on my 10th birthday to shack up with some bloke.

My mum went from one shit relationship to another and I look in the mirror and see her more and more clearly everytime.

Yes I am scared of counceling. I'm scared of what will come out. Things I have supressed for years. Pandoras box. Can of worms. My hatred for men. My hatred for myself.

The issue has ALWAYS been me. I know that. I am studying psychology and I know what's going on, even if I choose to deny it.

I'm not waiting for money to fall into my lap. I have money. I have been saving for years. The issue is not and never has been money. Its the fact that nobody will rent out a house to someone on housing benefit WITHOUT a guarantor. And I don't have a guarantor.

Mumsnet has been a place where I could write it down. Over and over again, trying to make sense of everything, trying to get others to make sense of everything. I don't suppose I ever did come on for advice, I just wanted someone to talk to.

Maybe Women's Aid might be able to help with the private housing too. When I stayed with them there were an enormous amount of strings they were able to pull in all sorts of directions to help women get back on their feet again and there are people who will give us a second chance. E.g., the safe house I was staying in was "donated" by a well-meaning member of the public not out to make a fast buck.

Counselling is bloody terrifying and I went for a year before I started opening up... But so worth it - at 34 I found a healthy relationship - turns out there are lovely men absolutely bloody everywhere, but when you're in a pit of misery & self-loathing you just make a beeline for the pricks.

I am still shit at phonecalls ... give me a letter or an email any day!

Have you honestly emailed them? Because that is just bloody brilliant if you have.

This bit is really interesting..."like hearing my mum tell her husband that their life would be so much better if it was just those two and their new baby - if I wasn't there" That's so sad.

Lots of blending of families without much consideration for the children in your life. Don't allow this cycle to continue to your boys, because one day they may be saying... "like knowing my mum was really unhappy with SF, and always feeling 2nd best to his daughter in his eyes, and ultimately in hers, because why wouldn't she leave?"

do you have any friends you could convide in?
i pretty much managed to escape my situation with 4 dc,on my own.....no family or friends i could talk to....i just had the hostel. but once i got there,i made some lifelong friends. it was ok. in fact,it was good.

hope you do make some progress today. its good you have some money saved too. good thinking. in your head,can you plan the next step? perhaps think a little about what stuff to pack....organise extra luggage/boxes....little steps,but a big help when you go.

skihorse, glad things are working out for you I hope to be in your shoes one day.

Yes Shirley, I emailed them and to be honest, I have emailed them before (last year now) and they replied with their phone number (which is what I reckon will happen this time) and that's when I gave up. I know I need to phone them. I just can't bring myself to. I wouldn't know what to say on the phone.

My mum went through a number of relationships where I was made to feel like the one who messed it up. One bloke told her they wanted her but couldn't be doing with me. Another told her it would all work out fine as long as I could go to boarding school. Then the bloke she's with now - well -

I'm think a lot of issues have arisen as I have grown up, all of them mustered in my head and accumilated to form the shadow of a person I want to be. Someone I feel I could be if I could just sort my head out.