The real story

[TheRealPerson]

This is the last thread I will start on this topic. I know I need to leave. I am trying to arrange that but I need coping stratagies for while I am still here.

I'll have to be pretty brief as it is a long story.

I was thrown out at 16 (mum got re-married and I was surplus to requirements). My father had already died. I looked desperately for someone to love me. I found someone who I thought did. I had my first child at the age of 17. We ran up huge debts but were stupid and had another child 2 years later. We never truely loved each other, we were both just looking for a way forward.

2 years later, he cheated on me. I left. All the debts were in my name. I worked hard and paid them all off myself and then very stupidly allowed him to move back in. Didn't like being alone. He ran up more debts. There was violence, complete lack of respect and in the end, violence. He then cheated again and moved in with a much older woman (mother figure?)

So I'm on my own on a very rough council estate raising two young boys on benefits. Every night I have kids in the garden, wrecking the car, stealing things from the shed, banging on the windows - on one occasion a teenager climbed into the back garden and just trashed the place whilst I was alone inside. Why? because he thought I'd stolen his younger brother's football (he later found it stuck in a bush).

I was scared, lonely, fed up, depressed. I looked for a relationship and ended up with a loser. Wasted a few years with him. Finished it. Spent a couple of years on my own again, struggled with my sanity, decided I could not cope anymore and asked my mum if her husband would act as a guarantor so I coould rent a private house. He said yes. I asked again before looking for a house to confirm, he said yes. I found a house, asked him again, he promised. Went to look at the house, loved it, asked him again if he was sure, he said yes. Secured the house - asked him to sign the papers - guess what, arsehole has "changed his mind". Desperate I went back to dating. Found current partner. Moved in very, very quickly simply because I was so desperate to get away from that area. YES YOU ALL WARNED ME NOT TO AND YOU KNEW I WAS MAKING A MISTAKE. you were right, I was wrong. I was frighetend and didn't know what to do.

It was ok at first, we all got along ok but then the controlling attitude came up. His wierd ways, the issues with the daughter. She's wetting the bed everynight and he doesn't even make her shower or change her sheets. She is scared of having friends over because she knows the room stinks of piss. She makes up constant illnesses for attention. One of which partner was actually going to take her to doctors over despite knowing she didn't have it - just to keep the peace.

I am at college, I am trying to better myself, I want to leave and be by myself with my boys but I can't. As I'm not working, I can't go private and there is a 3 year waiting list for the council.

I swear partner and his ex have mental health issues. His ex sends the daughter wierd texts about having sex with different men and using people and how she wants to kill herself. When I tell DP, he just shakes his head and says "I told you, she's nuts" and burries his head in the sand. When she goes out with her mother, she has to pay for her own busfares and and her own lunch. At easter, the mother didn't buy her an egg and instead threw a tantrum in a shop because DSD wouldn't buy HER an egg.

I sit here thinking is it me or them that is absolutely nuts? Sometimes I think it must be me, because partner seems unfazed by all the wierdness and when I think back, there is no wonder you all think I'm a troll, the story is so fucking wierd, I have trouble understanding it.

I feel for dsd but I need to get away asap. But in the meantime how do I cope with it all? How do I emotionally detach from it all?

I will reply on this if its needed but I won't post anymore threads on the subject.

When you've spent your whole life trying to make it look like you're ok, it is very hard to admit that you're not. Smiling and saying you're fine becomes so ingrained that you don't know what will be left if you let that outer crust crack. Inside the shell, you will be feeling very small and vulnerable, but the only way to grow and change is to let the shell crack and stretch out your wings. Don't worry if you look like a slightly bedraggled new chick at first, your feathers will fluff out in no time!

Well done on emailing organisations that can help. Next step is to contact them after they get back to you and arrange to meet or phone them. Even if you don't know what to say, just phone and let them know you are starting to reach out to them - I'm sure they've had plenty of incoherent phonecalls from people making their first steps.

As others have said, MN is good for encouragement and letting things out, but we're not the people who can really help you with this - you need to make that next move and speak to a counsellor and get practical advice about moving out.

Your DS sounds like a smart cookie - just think of the good you're doing your DC by doing this, that will help keep you strong.

You poor girl, what an awful time you have had, and WELL DONE for what has obviously been a lightbulb moment for you - acknowledgling your own part in your problems. Not to say that it is your fault that you have been so mistreated as a child - but that your treatment as a child has left you so vulnerable to further mistreatment and, unfortunately, so irresistible to abusive people - abusers can smell someone with low self-esteem, poor boundaries and a desperate need for validation.
There is shitloads of help out there. WA and/or the council will be able to help with the housing issue.

And when you walk out of the door, bearing in mind that you find talking on the phone hard, you could maybe post a letter to SS about your poor stepdaughter so that someone intervenes and helps her form a life for herself that doesn't involve repeating patterns of abuse over and over again.

Thank you so much for your help. I feel so guilty having messed you all around for so long. I just wish I'd be upfront and honest from the start.
I've just been sat on the trampoline in the sun, watching my darling innocent guinea pigs eating the grass and it occured to me that its not my partner I'm angry with or his poor daughter. Its not his fault I entered into a relationship that wasn't right for me and its not his daughter's fault that my social skills are so crap, she makes me uncomfortable. FFS I get pissed off when I see her cuddling her father and why?? because its what I missed? what a pathetic way to react to a kid looking for affection from her father. I have treated her badly.
My partner is not a picture of innocence, he has lied continuously, is jealous and conntrolling - but its my fault I put up with it, not his. My real anger stems from my past, I am angry at what has happened and at myself.
I DO need to leave here asap but the problem was around long before I moved in here. The problem has been there all the time.

You say: "The worst that could happen? erm - I suppose once its "out" there, i'm no longer in control of it?"

You don't seem very in control of it now, You will be able to control it much better with some help to be able to do so.

You have been bitterly let down by everyone who should have cared for you. I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to say that I think you're doing so well in acknowledging all this with honesty.

It's as though the scales are starting to fall from your eyes.

You need to keep the momentum up though

I know that it is frightening to face up to this stuff - but the alternative is worse.

It's a cliche, but one that is true: If you keep doing the same things, you will get the same results.

You do deserve to be happy, and your children deserve to be safe. You can do this for them, and importantly, for yourself.

And therapy is hard work, there's no doubt about it, but it has a purpose. A bit like being in labour, hurts like fuck at the time, but the end result is soworth it.

The past is the past, and yours was horrible, but nothing will change what happened, but you are crying out for therapy, and the chance to try and come to terms with what happened to you. Please arrange this asap - see your GP, have a cry, maybe they can help, you sound depressed and anxious. For God's sake - for the sake of your boys, force yourself to phone Woman's Aid. That's what they are there for. You have zero self esteem and self worth - a glance at the title of your other thread shouts this out. You have had a shit life, BUT it can change. But nobody else can change if for you. You need help to start to like yourself, in the meantime, get your boys and go - just go. Stop trying to justify why you want to go, because you're low self esteem will always put obstacles in the way. I guess you're still quite young? You have a lifetime ahead of you, which could be wonderful - but you need professional help and you need to start the ball rolling today. All the talking to us on here won't change a thing. Dig deep love, and find the strength to phone WA, let it all come out (they've heard it all before) and make today the day your life begins for the better.

Wow - this is such a leap.
I have read so many of your threads, and not really contributed. But for the first time, I think I can hear your voice in this. YOU telling Your story (and a sad story it is ) But bloody well done on opening up, and talking to us, on facing up to yourself, your life and your fears. And bloody well done for emailing WA!

Thumbs up to you.

sorry haven't read all thread. you can get housing benefit paid into your account so you can just pay rent as normal. just say you're employed and get friend to do reference.

you've taken a huge step today i think.

moving out is brilliant and getting rid of this guy.

but please please don't jump into another relationship until you've sorted out your head. you need to be in a much better frame of mind for that.

MIND is excellent. they will help you.

you are doing brilliantly. you sound so strong and so together, even if you don't feel it. i know you will pull through.

I was quick to condemn you as a troll, as you posted the same scenarios over and over....I apologise most sincerely if I was wrong! You need to leave him most definitely. You need to start/continue counselling for your past. AND you need to engage some help via SS or whoever for your poor DSD who desperately needs assistance.

I have seen some of your threads TheRealPerson and just wanted to say really good luck to you, what you have done here, and what you have decided to do in RL, took a lot of strength.

Really good luck with talking to Women's Aid and the others, I hope that you are able to get things sorted out. You know there are always people here if you need to talk

Please don't be scared of the phone. Practise with the Samaritans. They're so so used to people ringing and hanging up, then maybe getting to say hello..then maybe starting to talk. You can try over and over, they are not expecting anything from you, they don't know you and are 100% confidential. You said you kept starting your story again as you just needed to talk, that's just what they are there for, no advice, no intervention. Then, hopefully once you have built up a little phone courage, you can start to speak to those on the phone who can intervene and help like Women's Aid, CAB and charities/support groups in your area.

You seem to have been brought up with those who should have cared for you letting you know that you don't matter. You do matter - you have a right to your voice - let your voice be heard.

www.samaritans.org

Women's Aid, Counsellors etc are used to people crying and finding it difficult to find the right words etc. They won't think badly of you for it, it's what they expect. After all if you were feeling confident about everything and were so clear in your head about everything that you could communicate completely coherently about it all then you probably wouldn't need the counselling in the first place. A large proportion of the people who go to them will be similar to you.

Anyone would be in a mess if they had been through all that you have so try not to feel ashamed. You deserve help.

Oh gosh I am so, so glad to see this.

You need to help yourself and your sons first, as you say the problems in that home were there long before you arrived.

Once you have gotten out you could maybe write to SS about that other poor girl. You can't help her. It is likely that your own emotional development is stuck at an age when these awful traumas were happening. You are not equipped.

You have come so far now, not just in terms of this relationship but in recognising why you have ended up in serial disasters. You can now prevent it happening again.

Go to the hospital where you are training and ask for help with accommodation. I do really understand you saying that you are afraid of what will happen if you admit everything isn't ok - you feel obliged to put on a front becasue you have always had to cope on your own. You don't know how to ask for help because none was ever forthcoming. No one has ever helped you - why should you trust in anyone now?

You must listen to the advice above and do it for your boys - what's the worst that can happen, really?

MsBoogie is right, whatever happens when you talk to someone about this can't be worse than how things are for you now surely?