How Do I Stop DH Being a Teenager Whilst Supporting Him in a Sad Family Situation?

[Highlander]

DH is going through a really tough time at the moment. SIL has terminal breast cancer (she is unmarried and is a hoarder) and FIL has recently had to move to a nursing home as he has moderate dementia. The ILs live in Ireland so going to see them is tricky.

But I hate, hate, hate DH and I fucking hate the way his family has dictated our lives for the last 10 years.

When I met DH, and moved in with him (I changed jobs and moved cities), DH asked where I would live. I said with him, of course, and he was a bit shocked. the condition was that his parents must never find out. I paid market-rate rent and took a month off work so sand the floors and varnish them. I had nowhere to put my clothes (DH claimed at the time he had no money to buy some drawers) and was very twitchy when i GAVE INSTRUCTIONS to a builder about getting the bathroom done. When his parents came to visit, I had to clear out all my stuff and move to a friend's for the weekend. DH insisted that all the alcohol was hidden in the garage (he would always do this).

I've never gone to my folks' for Christmas - lots of siblings, it's too noisy and I used to work and enjoy a bit of peace. DH used to freak out about this and insist I went ot his parents. This continued when we had children until I finally put my foot down.

The night before he proposed to me he phoned his best man and asked if he was doing the right thing (his best man rightly told him that only DH knew the answer to that). I'm still really hurt by this, after all, how would he have reacted if I'd not immediately accepted but said that I would like to consult my friends? I agreed to having the wedding in Ireland, but it ended up going from a small, relaxed affair to a huge white wedding full of people that I hardly knew. Then everyone freaked out because I refused to change my surname (I told DH that he could change to mine)

He's such a child (I know, most men are) and it drives me insane. He took 10 years to write up his research degree, claiming that someone else was supposed to do the statistics, OMG, every excuse under the sun. And now he's behaving like a petulent child because he's been turned down for jobs in top hospitals.

When I found out I was pregnant with DS1, DH was already overseas (I was staying behind in the UK for 3 nmonths to complete my PHD). The pregancy was unplanned and I wanted to terminate. DH refused to fly home, and was being really mean about me 'aborting his child'. I was a total mess (but didn't really realise it). I flew out, had the baby who was colicky, didn't know a soul. DH bullied me into flying back to the UK with 8 week old DS1, purely to show DS1 off to this parents. It was a ghastly time.

When DS1 was 4 months old, SIL was diagnosed with breast cancer (5 yrs ago now). DH was naturally devastated, but I had to practically shove him on the plane home to support her. He kept sayig that SIL would be OK - but I had to point out that the ILs were too elderly to travel to the city to visit her and that the family needed him (I knew FIL had early dementia at this point, although everyone else was in total denial).

And so this cycle of DH trying to garner public sympathy and trying to make me feel guilty began. In any crisis (and there have been many with FIL's dementia) DH would refuse to fly home and give MIL support. SIL was recently very ill after chemo, and again I had to say, 'they really, really need you - GO!'. He's in such childish denial that it drives me nuts. But he tries to make me feel guilty becauase I would only visit twice/year. A house with a demented old man and 2 small children is not fun. MIL refuses to visit us because FIL kicks off if she doesn't visit (apparently - she was happy to go off with SIL for 2 days to see a faith healer). DH tries to make me feel guilty about this (he works a lot of weekends), but to me it's just a fact of life when families live so far apart.

I've got to the point where I cannot live with his childish attitude. I find it difficult to get it all down, but I wish DH would find his own voice, instead of wondering what his parents owuld think, or what his peers think. A ggod example is the fact that I've not worked since DS1 was born.
As a research scientist, 7 day weeks were the norm for me, and the weekend work isn't that easily planned; if the cells need sorting out, or are good to go for an experiment, then you have to go while they look good. DH is a hospital consultant who also works weekends. I planned to take a wee while out and maybe change careers into somehting that had family-fiendly hours. There was no question that DH would reduce his hours to allow me to work. He still refuses to do that, although I now insist that he takes DS1 to school 1 morning/week. Coupled with his commute, I would have to work and do all the pick-ups from nursery/school. I just couln't cope with the stress. I've done a publishing course (but publishing hit the wall) and my one big test for a big compnay I failed. I had 3 days to complete it and the boys had a vomiting but. When they were better I asked DH to take an afternoon off work in order that I could do the test. He did, but made it clear that it was a disgrace that he had to skive off work so that I could work. He has repeatedly said that I 'change my mind every minute' about careers - FFS I have to do something differnt that fits in around his job and the kids!! But I don't know what to do! of course I'm exploring all options!

God this is an epic. I hate the way he never acts like a parent. He is a fun, fun person with the boys but never disciplines them He's very happy to wind them up, then sit back and wait for me to discipline them. Left alone with them, He'll never say, 'no, wait boys, daddy has to clear the lunch table/do the laundry etc'. It's always full on fun and attention, whereas I'm always trying to do a million things at once. he never thanks me for all the cleaning/ironing/cooking/admin.

He's having a shitty time with his family, but never calls his sister, never actively acts like the man of the family. It's like he's stuck in a a time-warp where his role in any family situation (ours or his mum/sister's) is to bhave like a petulant teenager. I CAN'T STAND IT

too long.............

OMG, it's an essay. Apologies

Dear god, I am exhausted reading your post, let alone living your life!

Why are you allowing your h to treat you at best as his mother and at worst as a 2nd class citizen?

You are allowing him to dump all his crap on you and you have allowed it from day 1. There's no way I would have moved my stuff out when his parents came to visit and remained a secret.

You have put up with it for 10yrs, how many more years are you going to waste?

My God he sounds like hard work - it must be like having another overgrown child.
You say you hate him.
Why on earth don't you leave him?
Not being horrible but from your post I can't see any reason for you to stay with someone like this - you sound like you are at the end of your tether.

don't get me wrtong, he doesn't have a mean bone oin his body and his family are lovely. I have absolutely fallen into the trap of just toeing the line alongside him.

I feel so evil thinking this, but I wish SIL and FIl would just get on and die. I want a life that isn;t dominated by DH trying to make everyone feel sorry for him because his family are old and poorly.

last week I was laughing with a friend about how SIL is a total genius at catching a bargain (shopping is her life). And DH immediately snapped, 'yes, she was great at catching cancer as well, wasn't she?' It was a bit wierd, and made me feel embarassed

i don't want to leave him, I just want him to grow up and focus on what makes him feel good, instaed of doing things that either his parents or his peers approve of. My opnions copunt for nothing. example, i am personally not happy with leaving the boys in nursery for 10 hours/day. That's just me, and not a judgement on how other families sort their lives. But DH retort is, 'well everyone else does it!'.

What do you mean he doesn't have a mean bone in his body? He puts you down and belittles you. What do you think the definition of a mean bone in his body is?

Why on earth don't you want to leave him?

interestingly, he thinks that I'm the one that puts him down - he does bring it up a lot if we argue. I do nag him a lot, almost exclusively about his parenting.

I personally think that although I'm very verbal, I feel he can be very silent. Just because he wouldn't dream of being verbally or physically mean to me, I feel his silence and refusal to do things is just as awful as yelling.

I don't want us to split up because I think that's just an easy escape. What if I'm being unreasonable and he needs unconditional support and I 'm just being self-centred? eg I make it perfecdtly clear that I resent giving up one of our weekends to fly to see his parents, especially when he spends the time behaving like a teenager. It does cost a bomb, but it could be argued that we could saving the money that the ILs generously give us for bierthdays and use that for flight money

How old is he? To be honest I think if a man hasn't "grown up" by the time he's in his late 20s then he never will. Expecting him to have a personality change and become the person you want him to be is unrealistic. There is no reason that he had to hide his relationship with you. He chose to do so.

I also think you have some unrealistic expectations.
Why does it bother you that he never phones HIS family? On the one hand you say they control him, but on the other hand you moan he doesn't phone them enough. Make your mind up. Lots of blokes aren't into regular phone calls. My husband phones his sister every couple of months and she just lives an hour away. I don't hassle him to phone her more, she's his sister not mine. I don't expect my husband to tell me how often to contact my relatives.

Also re your job, I think if you want to work you have to do like most working women and look at childcare options.
If your husband has a full time hospital consultant job then it may not be easy for him to change his hours, on the other hand there should be enough money to pay someone to look after the kids if you want to work as well.

It sounds as though the main problem here is that you don't like your husband much and regret marrying someone with a demanding job.

I feel awful for admitting this, but I don't feel that DH deserves much emotional support regarding his sister and his dad, becasue I don't feel he has been supportive toward them. He never calls his sister, yet almost seems to enjoy the sympathy from people when he reminds them that she doesn't have a partner.

When we visit his mum, he's pretty mean to her and seems to alomost enjoy bitching at her - it's horrible. At 80 years old she does some crazy things, but it's her house and I think it's inappropriate to try and change her.

I'm very resentful that hsi career path his unhindered by parenthood and mine has screeched to a halt. That's why I didn't want children, becasue my life would be turned upside down and I didn't want that (it took me a while to get to PhD level)

he can reduce his hours, he doesn't want to becasue it's an uncommitted female doctor thing to do in his eyes. But, i dopn't want to go back to being a career bod and using the kids as pawns, just to get even with DH

You're right rebecca, I was mentally going ouch when I read your post - how often he speaks to them is none of my business. I need to leave him be on that one.

Karma, I think maybe he's not that bad? remember you're only hearing my side of the story!!

I nag him constantly and I do think I've settled nicely into the role of a martyr.. 'I gave up my career to be an SAHM so that gives me carte blanche to moan incessently about how great DH's life is at my expense....' I've got to get out of that one.

it's difficul;t to paint a fair picture on the internet. My brain goes to mush when I type

his family, BTW, are very,very old and rural. their attitudes regarding duty and obligation to family are 1950's. FIL had the chance to emigrate to Australia back in the 50's, but his dad reminded him of his duty to them. They're not mean and selfish, it's just how they were brought up in rural Ireland. They don't know any different and they have never crticised me or verbally disapproved of anything I've said or doen (other than the namechanging thing) - and I express surprise at some of their wacky Irish stuff all the time.

And you are still with this person!
My God woman you need a medal I would have left shoved him off a cliff long ago.

So sorry about your SIL I hope she has some support.

I think you need to take a massive step back and leave your DH to deal with his family, if that means he does nothing then so be it.
He will have to live with it.

Ok, if you want the harsh view (and please look away now if you don't want to hear it, and other readers I am playing devil's advocate rather than expressing my full balanced opinion)

You can't stand him or your life together, but you won't go to the trouble of doing anything about it - you won't leave him because of the disruption and pain and guilt; you carry on enabling him because it puts you in a good light and you enjoy a bit of martyrdom (or so you say).

How much longer can you stand this? 30 years? It won't change unless you make it change. Gird your dirk and whet your sporran Highlander, it's time to go kick some ass. Oh, and like any other toddler, expect some tears and tantrums.

what do I do? He needs support - jeez, I would be devastated if my family were that ill.

I just don't know how to take it forward without feeling like I'm pulling away from him. I keep myself busy at home with all the domestic stuff and I have the allotment and surfing. I'm registering for a maths degree as I think the employment options are more varied - it ties in with DS2 starting scvhool in a few years.

I don't even fancy Dh that much - and that hurts him like hell. I can't bear him pawing over me (he always expects sex with physical contact and says 'see how happy you've made me?' if he gets it, which is rarely) But I don't feel I can fancy anyone who I feel doesn't respect me. it's not deliberate; my friend said to be carefull not to use sex as a weapon

got to go to nursery.

I appreciate the harsh words - more harshness rewquired I think. This is all ve helpfull.

i do need to get out from the doormat, shed the cosy martyr coat and get me alife. maybe I'm the one that needs to grow upo as well!!!!

< I don't want us to split up because I think that's just an easy escape. What if I'm being unreasonable and he needs unconditional support >

This is just weird. No-one needs unconditional support from their partner; that's strictly for children.

What's "unreasonable" is his demand for unquestioning obedience ... call it support if you like; that doesn't change anything as it's also unreasonable to demand that.

What's wrong with an "easy escape"?
Can you put your finger on how you came to believe you should suffer for your relationships? How come you don't believe you deserve someone who promotes and enhances you?

You need to walk away, for the sake of your own mental health, really Walk away and leave him to it.
From what you have said this marriage was doomed from the off, it is dead in the water and you will regret wasting your life with this man.

It may be that he finds his families illnesses less deastating because he is medical though. People I know who deal with people dying on a regular basis have tended to have a more accepting and fatalistic attitude to illness when it strikes their family. They don't do the "why my family" thing, but tend to think more "why not my famil;y" and probably do get less emotional about it all. It sounds as though he isn't that close to his sister anyway. I'm not sure what her being single has to do with anything. If she is dying young of cancer then surely it is less traumatic for the family than if she were leaving 3 young children?

The hating him touching you thing sounds more worrying than anything else you have written. I felt like that with my first husband and that signaled the end of our relationship. I do think it is pointless remaining with a man you ne longer fancy and who you hate touching. That isn't good for either of you.
I think you need to look at whether or not you think that can be improved, in retrospect I probably could have done more about that than I did at the time, we could have tried spending more time alone together and trying to build back some intimacy. My ex is basically a good bloke and a good father.
I am happy with my current husband, but maybe I should have put more effort into making things work before leaving.

He's an adult - good grief, he's a consultant somewhere, he's got a brain! and he's not the only person in the world with troubles. And it sounds like he was being a complete knob anyway. I bet if it was your family he wouldn't be giving you 'unconditional support' ie licence to abnegate responsibility for everyone and everything.

Here's an idea. Start treating him in the way you would treat someone reasonable and normal. A reasonable normal person wouldn't need to be nagged to support his family, so don't do it. A reasonable normal person would realise that winding the kids up has consequences, so let him suffer the consequences. Give him some responsibility. (May be kind to warn him first: 'if you wind them up now you can put them to bed afterwards, I'm not going to' and then don't).

But of course you have to be strong enough to withstand the unplesantness you are going to get from him as a result - at least in the short term. And I speak as someone who wouldn't face the unplesantness herself for a very long time indeed, and have lived to regret it.

I do make him do bedtime approx 1 night/week; by God it's noisy! But he doesn't realise that it's much easier if you keep a tight rein.

I'm off on Sat for a girls' night away in a posh hotel. I feel guilty about the money, but it's the first night away from the boys ever.

DH has never said that I deserve it I'm just getting the silent treatment