How Do I Stop DH Being a Teenager Whilst Supporting Him in a Sad Family Situation?

[Highlander]

DH is going through a really tough time at the moment. SIL has terminal breast cancer (she is unmarried and is a hoarder) and FIL has recently had to move to a nursing home as he has moderate dementia. The ILs live in Ireland so going to see them is tricky.

But I hate, hate, hate DH and I fucking hate the way his family has dictated our lives for the last 10 years.

When I met DH, and moved in with him (I changed jobs and moved cities), DH asked where I would live. I said with him, of course, and he was a bit shocked. the condition was that his parents must never find out. I paid market-rate rent and took a month off work so sand the floors and varnish them. I had nowhere to put my clothes (DH claimed at the time he had no money to buy some drawers) and was very twitchy when i GAVE INSTRUCTIONS to a builder about getting the bathroom done. When his parents came to visit, I had to clear out all my stuff and move to a friend's for the weekend. DH insisted that all the alcohol was hidden in the garage (he would always do this).

I've never gone to my folks' for Christmas - lots of siblings, it's too noisy and I used to work and enjoy a bit of peace. DH used to freak out about this and insist I went ot his parents. This continued when we had children until I finally put my foot down.

The night before he proposed to me he phoned his best man and asked if he was doing the right thing (his best man rightly told him that only DH knew the answer to that). I'm still really hurt by this, after all, how would he have reacted if I'd not immediately accepted but said that I would like to consult my friends? I agreed to having the wedding in Ireland, but it ended up going from a small, relaxed affair to a huge white wedding full of people that I hardly knew. Then everyone freaked out because I refused to change my surname (I told DH that he could change to mine)

He's such a child (I know, most men are) and it drives me insane. He took 10 years to write up his research degree, claiming that someone else was supposed to do the statistics, OMG, every excuse under the sun. And now he's behaving like a petulent child because he's been turned down for jobs in top hospitals.

When I found out I was pregnant with DS1, DH was already overseas (I was staying behind in the UK for 3 nmonths to complete my PHD). The pregancy was unplanned and I wanted to terminate. DH refused to fly home, and was being really mean about me 'aborting his child'. I was a total mess (but didn't really realise it). I flew out, had the baby who was colicky, didn't know a soul. DH bullied me into flying back to the UK with 8 week old DS1, purely to show DS1 off to this parents. It was a ghastly time.

When DS1 was 4 months old, SIL was diagnosed with breast cancer (5 yrs ago now). DH was naturally devastated, but I had to practically shove him on the plane home to support her. He kept sayig that SIL would be OK - but I had to point out that the ILs were too elderly to travel to the city to visit her and that the family needed him (I knew FIL had early dementia at this point, although everyone else was in total denial).

And so this cycle of DH trying to garner public sympathy and trying to make me feel guilty began. In any crisis (and there have been many with FIL's dementia) DH would refuse to fly home and give MIL support. SIL was recently very ill after chemo, and again I had to say, 'they really, really need you - GO!'. He's in such childish denial that it drives me nuts. But he tries to make me feel guilty becauase I would only visit twice/year. A house with a demented old man and 2 small children is not fun. MIL refuses to visit us because FIL kicks off if she doesn't visit (apparently - she was happy to go off with SIL for 2 days to see a faith healer). DH tries to make me feel guilty about this (he works a lot of weekends), but to me it's just a fact of life when families live so far apart.

I've got to the point where I cannot live with his childish attitude. I find it difficult to get it all down, but I wish DH would find his own voice, instead of wondering what his parents owuld think, or what his peers think. A ggod example is the fact that I've not worked since DS1 was born.
As a research scientist, 7 day weeks were the norm for me, and the weekend work isn't that easily planned; if the cells need sorting out, or are good to go for an experiment, then you have to go while they look good. DH is a hospital consultant who also works weekends. I planned to take a wee while out and maybe change careers into somehting that had family-fiendly hours. There was no question that DH would reduce his hours to allow me to work. He still refuses to do that, although I now insist that he takes DS1 to school 1 morning/week. Coupled with his commute, I would have to work and do all the pick-ups from nursery/school. I just couln't cope with the stress. I've done a publishing course (but publishing hit the wall) and my one big test for a big compnay I failed. I had 3 days to complete it and the boys had a vomiting but. When they were better I asked DH to take an afternoon off work in order that I could do the test. He did, but made it clear that it was a disgrace that he had to skive off work so that I could work. He has repeatedly said that I 'change my mind every minute' about careers - FFS I have to do something differnt that fits in around his job and the kids!! But I don't know what to do! of course I'm exploring all options!

God this is an epic. I hate the way he never acts like a parent. He is a fun, fun person with the boys but never disciplines them He's very happy to wind them up, then sit back and wait for me to discipline them. Left alone with them, He'll never say, 'no, wait boys, daddy has to clear the lunch table/do the laundry etc'. It's always full on fun and attention, whereas I'm always trying to do a million things at once. he never thanks me for all the cleaning/ironing/cooking/admin.

He's having a shitty time with his family, but never calls his sister, never actively acts like the man of the family. It's like he's stuck in a a time-warp where his role in any family situation (ours or his mum/sister's) is to bhave like a petulant teenager. I CAN'T STAND IT

too long.............

I do feel guilty about even thinking that he should do stuff around the house. As an SAHM, I kind of feel it's written into my job contract, IYSWIM. I would feel guilty and a bit 'coffe shop mum' about getting a cleaner as well.

I do think he is so devatseated about his family that he is in denial. And I think because the stress of it all affects me as well, he feels that I'm not supportive, so he doesn't open up to me.

I think if I stop criticising him about his lack of practical support for his family and allow him to open up, then maybe things will improve.

Actually, I didn't mean what he said about deserving it. I meant you feel you deserve to be ... well, abused

Why? Why do this??

You seem so keen to blame yourself for everything, take responsibility for what happens inside someone else's head.

I don't feel abused as such, not at all. I'm not a victim - in terms of DH living this lie for his parents I should have refused to go along with it and be my own person when we first moved in together.

DH would definitely argue that I'm abusive, emotionally. He would say that I'm hyper-critical, controlling and I've always felt that he thinks that I'm a gold-digger because I've not worked since DS1 was born.

here's something I feel bad about........

Months ago, DH mentioned that SIL had asked him to accompany her to the english Grand Prix. It's a charity thing, where people with terminal cancer are treated to a day out/trip. No more was mentioned of it.

Last night DH produces some form that SIL has sent him, to do with the trip. I expressed surprise and asked (a bit huffily) when the trip was.

DH then said that SIL asked and he HAD to agree to go.

'of course' I said, 'but you didn't actually tell me that you had agreed to go. Anyway, when is it? You haven't written it on the calender.'

Dh then looked it up and it turns out the Grand Prix is over 3 days in July. When the DSs have 2 parties and we have a leaving party for friends. '3 bloody days!' I shouted. 'Surely not'. DH says he has no idea whther this is 1 or 3 days and was pretty huffy when I asked him to contact his sister and find out.

if DH had agreed to go, then he should have found out the date at the time and written it on the calender, NOT waited until the last minute and just expect me to drop everything and fill in in his absence.

Of course he is supporting his sister; she's not married and doesn't have a partner for this sort of thing. I just would have liked him to realisae that his absence means I'm spending yet another weekend on my own and some notice, some planning, some responsibility to his wife and kids would have been appreciated.

I'm getting the silent treatment again. And I feel guilty because his sister is dying (sahe has 18 months) and I'm selfish for making a fuss about DH being more organised about it.

has he ever been organised about this kind of thing? no? so it was unrealistic to expect him to be so...

and yes you were over the top - he wants to go with his dying sister so you have to grit your teeth. on the face of it, he will ahve many more weekends to go to his childrens parties etc - and not many with his sister...

however....there is a lot of simmering resentment and on the face of it you get v little support from him generally

you also need to let him get on with bath time etc when he does it - if you do separate he will have do it all alone right?

maybe you could think about going to a counselling session with a relate counsellor - on your own - to talk thru some of this and get an outsider's perspective....

yes you can change some of your reactions/behaviours...you cannot change his... you cannot change his family...

You feel guilty because his sister is dying?

DH is more organised? So organised, he doesn't know how long the trip is and hasn't cleared the date(s)?

You're selfish? You've arranged 2 kids' parties and a farewell do for someone else. How does that add up to selfish?

I just have one question, why the f* did you marry him after all the weirdness around you moving in?

He sounds like an arse, and you sound like a martyr.

you do sound like a total nightmare to live with! Sorry

I think you need to do some nice things for yourself, so that youre enjoying your life. You sound very frustrated and seem to be blaming your DH and taking it out on him. Book childcare. Why not get a cleaner if you can afford it.
Stop feeling guilty about spending money (you dont have money problems do you?). You are raising the next generation, its hard work, and from the sound of it youre treating it as a 24/7 job that only you can do. No wonder youre feeling stressed out and resentful!

Focus on yourself a bit more and stop trying to control how DH interacts with his family,
maybe go for a coffee with some friends too.
Never know, you might like it xx

You canot change someone who doesn't wantto change. You could spend your life trying and get nowhere. that's a fact.

now for your choices.

You could stay and accept it.

You could stay and be angry all the time about it.

you could stay and ignore it.

you could leave and tell him when he improves you will come back.

You could leave and tell him that's the end.

It's up to you - which seems the most appealing?

. Someone told you, long ago, Highlander, that women exist only in relation to other people, that a woman's job/destiny/duty in life is to 'cacth' a man and dedicate herself to servicing him, and sadly you believed them. You've accepted that the man is the important person in the household and everyone and everything revolve around the man and his needs.

It's bullshit, and sadly women who believe it always end up with complete knobs like your H.
You can either simply stop worrying about your ILs and get on with your own life as much as possible, or you can start looking into your legal/financial position if you split up with yoru H/ Because a man who has spent years treating you as a hoover with a hole he can fuck is not likely to start respecting you if you stand up to him - he's more likely to become progressively more abusive, probably escalating to physical abuse.

I'm reading. Will get back to you later.

pray to God Xenia doesn't read all this

sorry, i just couldn't be with him a minute longer. how are you still sane with all that has gone on? i know you said you dont want to leave but it is the only advice i am giving you. it is the only rational response to your OP

how would I go about getting him to reduce his hours so that I could work without having the boys in 8am-6pm childcare?

If you both are working you can afford childcare.

it's not the money, I don't want the boys in childcare all day. we can afford for me to be 3 days and DH being more flexible

sorry, what I mean is that I don't want to have to do all the drop-offs and pick-ups and work.

But DH refuses to reduce his hours so that he can do his share (he has a 50 min commute which complicates things slightly)

you cannot get him to reduce his hours - unless he wants to. he sounds like someone immersed in his work?

if he isnt prepared to reduce hours and spend more time with dc to give you chance to work then he won't. either he sees it as beneficial for the family or he does not. if he does not see it, you cannot make him see it your way... you can present your case, but he can chose to reject it. you then make your choice...

what would you both gain financially?
how much does he earn? how much would you earn? (you dont need to say but clealry there are some maths involved here - if high earner reduces hours in order for lower earner t o work more hours...well financially it might not make sense - but would be legitimate if the higher earner really wants to cut back his/her hours

what would you lose (effectively) if he reduces hours and you work some/full time hours?

what is wrong with 8-6 childcare? if you want to work full time that is the trade off - if you have a good job too you could afford a nice nanny.

any way what is the point if you hate him?

I think that you're asking us to perform a miracle - ie how to turn your DH into the man you want him to be.

He told you from day one though, who he is. You need to actually believe him, and then go from there.

The reason he is not acting like a responsible adult now is because he has never behaved like a responsible adult (in his private life anyway, presumably he's a competent and qualified consultant).

Sorry to be negative but to me, it seems that the time to sort these issues out is early on in a relationship when you have a lot of bargaining power. Years down the line, it sounds like you have no bargaining power at all, and your choice is therefore do you put up with this forever or do you leave him.

Frankly, you sound like you treat your husband a bit like I imagine people treat their children. Try and treat him with some respect and maybe he'll do the same for you.

I do treat him like a child. frankly, he beahves like one. he spent years whining that his research degree wasn't written up (not his fault, of course) so I set out annual leave and weekends where I would send him to the study to work. He finally (after a lot of nagging) got it done and was rightly chuffed to bits when he passed. He admitted it was my 'discipline' that got him motivated, but TBH, I felt uneasy in that role. It is how a mother flogs their teenagers to swot for exams. maybe I should have let him flounder...........

HIghlander: He's not going to do anything you want him to do because he doesn't care what you want. To him you're not a person, you're a 'woman' and therefore your feelings, opinions and wishes are irrelevant.