if its so wrong then why does it feel so right?

[worldsworstwife]

i am a regular but because of the sensitive nature of this thread i have namechanged

me and dh got back together recently after i kicked him out for his addiction ,he begged for the sake of our 3 dc to try and make it work and to his credit he has been trying so hard to make things better - i just plain and simple dont love him - he knows this and thinks with time i will grow to love him again- i really dont hold out much hope.
in the time he was away me and my ex ( and first love the only other man i have ever been with besides dh ) started chatting and getting to know each other - been 14 yrs
we connect so well and we have met up 2 times so far - i know this is wrong and ive never considered doing this before but its him its always been him.
the problem is - he is married and she is 5 months pregnant with their first child and i think im falling in love with him and he has made it clear that he loves her - not as a husband should but like brother and sister and wouldnt leave her. i would think less of him if he did tbh
should i stop it now before i go deeper or listen to my heart?

I think you are making the right choice. You deserve to meet someone who is available and have a happy relationship that you can feel proud of. You can only do this if you get rid of both of these men and if you take the initiative then you will not have to keep checking email as you have asked that he doesn't contact you.
If in the long term this is meant to be then it will be.

if a man posted his wife was 5mth pg and sniffing around an ex he would rightly be pilloried.not advised how to write an email ending a sleazy affair

honest to god.you need to ask the answer?if you werent so self absorbed you'd know fucking someone else husband isnt on

and if it is meant to be is wishy washy way of absolving self of responsibility.life isnt external forces compelling helpless people. it is in fact purposeful choice and volition.so if this tawdry affair proceeds it is because neither of you stopped it

he's being a cunt, even meeting you with a pg wife at home. He's loving the attention op, ok, you are too, and you do know it's wrong. yet if he's said he'd like to sleep with you, then he is an arsehole.

walk away.

I really hope you stick to this OP.

Being complicit in another woman's misery, when she's at her most vulnerable, is really awful.

You've also fallen for the oldest lines in the book of adultery; the platonic relationship that mysteriously involves sex, the long-lost soul-mate that should never have got away, but did because....well, he wanted to sleep with other women, basically.

Deal with your marriage and don't invade someone else's.

Worlds - I think you should be nice to yourself. This situation with ex doesnt sound good to me, sounds like a torment, a nightmare! Hes trying to make you fall in love with him, and then he's going to go home to his wife and new baby and play happy families? Doesnt sound very nice for you.

I think Id just stop replying to messages, dont talk on phone to him, totally minimise contact. Avoid.

Perhaps take a break from both. Can you get DH to look after kids and have a weeks holiday somewhere/ spa/ visit good friends? thats what Id like to do

By worldsworstwife Sat 12-Jun-10 21:31:24
i knew you ladies would make me realise what im doing is totally wrong-im so wrong to want to find a little happiness-even if it hurts others - i always come last

No, no, no. Listen to yourself, OP - passive aggression will get you nowhere. This statement sounds as though you are really bitter against a world which has dealt you a duff hand again and again, and feel somehow you 'deserve' this affair to get your own back.

It doesn't work like that.
It's not her fault you are unhappy, and no, you don't always come last, that's just victim mentality and no one will want to be with you if you are like that.

If I were you I would look closely at how my relationship with my parents was - often a mistress is very angry at other women so 'stealing' a man doesn't bother her - it feels justified because she has never liked women anyway, or thinks they hate her.

Psychobabble perhaps but think about it, in case it makes sense. Whatever, this situation you are in is not right and you've no business getting involved with him.

I doubt you will have the strength to walk away from him now as these emotions will be eating you up, but long term it's never going to be a happy ending, is it? Really?

What exactly are you working towards if you carry on seeing him? It sounds as though you can't trust him as far as you can throw him - and that means he will lie to you, as well.

email has been sent and i have deleted him from facebook - too painfull to see his pic's

Flightattendant - not psychobabble at all....you are absolutely spot on, about the passive-aggression in the post you quoted and also the punitive motivation of many OW.

Glad it rings true with you When, thankyou. I do think there's always a motive in these situations...well done, WWW. You have definitely done the right thing, you can hold your head up and feel very proud.

Agree with scottishmummy.

Get rid of your dh if you really don't love him, stop playing the victim, find a single bloke to shag.

I agree with blinder and scottishmummy, although I think belle put it more nicely.

OP, I really hope you have come to your senses.

Don't fuck your life up (and some poor innocent family's) any more than it already is.

I think you're better off without either fellow. It's not either/or is it? I feel maybe you've latched on to this man because he's unobtainable. You feel guilty about the end of your marriage (you shouldn't) and you've chosen someone you know you can't really have to punish yourself.

I hope you're well out of it now and meet someone better suited and able to meet your needs.

sent the email this morning and he replied soon after - he admitted that it was wrong and he was having doubts too ,only he was too much a coward to say it - he felt i was falling for him and it would only lead to heartache for me and her if she found out - he says he still cares for me deeply but needs to give his marriage and new baby a go.
he wished me good luck in the future what ever i decide to do.
must say i has a few tears

tears are ok, wallow for a while and then thank your lucky stars you go out of that particular mess when you did

then sort out your marriage

well done!

That is a really good outcome I think. You will be sad for a while but then you'll find someone else

now how do i get rid of dh ?
im not well at the moment and he has been so helpful - ive been in bed for the last 2 days and he has done everything,feel so bad - but how can i put my happiness before that of my kids - which kids can be happy when their mum and dad brake up - how upset they were when i snapped and kicked him out for 6 weeks is not an experience i want to put them through again

then if you really want to break up with H...do it, and mean it this time

I feel sorry for him...and I feel sorry for your kids

make your mind up time

or there will just be another little "crisis" after another

this unobtainable OM was a symptom, not a cause

you are not being fair on anyone here...giving false hope to your kids is worse than a clean break, IMO

its all very well you say DO IT THEN
its not that easy - how can you make a judgement on me and my like - you feel sorry for him !! thats a joke - you have no idea what he has put us through - i have given him so many chances.
go ahead and feel bad for my kids but they are and will always be my main priority

Well if he is so rubbish WWW, what is stopping you?

What specifically is preventing you from leaving him?

Do you want advice or sympathy?

of course your kids are your priority,nobody has said otherwise

pointing out that giving them false hope is wrong is not saying you don't care about them

but if you cannot make it work with your H, you owe it to all of you to make a future that leaves all of you without ambiguity and doubt

vacillating between H, leaving H, dallying with a married man...

your head is in bits, and I think you should seek RL help to sort it out

I don't think MN can help you, tbh

Listen to AF. She is wise. And sensible. And kind.

thanks fab

WWW...we are on your side, honest x

why are you confused ?

We have said that this OM is not an OM, he is a symptom of a massive problem in your relationship.

If all was rosy with your DH, this guy wouldn't even register on your radar.

It's not, so he did.

You have done the right thing, in binning OM, that was only ever going to hurt and destroy lives. As sad as you are, as miserable as your situation is, deep down, you don't want to deliberately and knowingly wreck a marriage a young family? If you were sure of your actions you wouldn't be asking us here, you would just be doing it.

Is there any salvation for your relationship with DH, what has he put you through? did he cheat on you?

If there is any hope for your marriage, you need to sit DH down and talk to him. It might work, it might not. if it doesn't work, then the best, kindest and healthiest thing to do is to end it nicely and get on with your lives.