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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

if its so wrong then why does it feel so right?

85 replies

worldsworstwife · 12/06/2010 20:45

i am a regular but because of the sensitive nature of this thread i have namechanged

me and dh got back together recently after i kicked him out for his addiction ,he begged for the sake of our 3 dc to try and make it work and to his credit he has been trying so hard to make things better - i just plain and simple dont love him - he knows this and thinks with time i will grow to love him again- i really dont hold out much hope.
in the time he was away me and my ex ( and first love the only other man i have ever been with besides dh ) started chatting and getting to know each other - been 14 yrs
we connect so well and we have met up 2 times so far - i know this is wrong and ive never considered doing this before but its him its always been him.
the problem is - he is married and she is 5 months pregnant with their first child and i think im falling in love with him and he has made it clear that he loves her - not as a husband should but like brother and sister and wouldnt leave her. i would think less of him if he did tbh
should i stop it now before i go deeper or listen to my heart?

OP posts:
MargaretAtwood3660 · 12/06/2010 21:35

Ah cross posted with about a thousand others!

It's not unfair on him if he is up for it - yuck, though. What a creepy bloke, to want to do that when his wife is pregnant.

He's made his rules, he won't be leaving her, so for you to accept this and go ahead and shag him would be really pissing on yourself

You sound quite depressed actually. Have you got any real life friends you can confide in?

blinder · 12/06/2010 21:36

She is 5 months pregnant?

You are either a) a troll or b) a complete b*tch to be obsessing about this man.

Flame me. Delete me. Whatever. I think you absolutely deserve the hell you are creating for yourself. Unfortunately, the pregnant woman and her unborn child have become your victims too.

secunda · 12/06/2010 21:40

Oh whatever blinder.

OP - you are vulnerable. Your husband sounds a bit pointless, get rid of him. I am sure you can find someone else altogether who will make you happy. It's not this guy. He probably knows you are vulnerable. The brother/sister thing is a line, how did she get pregnant - immaculate conception?

Apart from anything else re the effects on others, it's never going to make YOU happy. So you ARE making your happiness a priority by deciding to have nothing to do with him.

Good luck

Original poster
worldsworstwife · 12/06/2010 21:40

he has been cheated on so many times by her- maybe he feels she should get a taste of what it feels like,but i do think about her and how i would feel if id found my dh cheating whilst pregnant-i ask him all the time how is she and the baby are doing .
i know i have to put a stop to it.i will but i know its gonna sting

OP posts:
celticfairy101 · 12/06/2010 21:43

World, I didn't say anything about you not caring. Of course you do. All I'm suggesting, seeing as you asked perfect strangers for help, is that you don't take this any further.

You care enough to know that to do so would be wrong.

Now please don't take your husband back. Learn to love yourself and live on your own. If you don't love yourself no one else will.

BelleDameSansMerci · 12/06/2010 21:43

You don't know she's cheated though... You just know that's what he's telling you.

BelleDameSansMerci · 12/06/2010 21:43

You don't know she's cheated though... You just know that's what he's telling you.

FabIsGettingFit · 12/06/2010 21:43

it isn't about always coming last.

it is about having compassion for your fellow humans and common decency. Plus respect for yourself.

dittany · 12/06/2010 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargaretAtwood3660 · 12/06/2010 21:46

So she has cheated on him, and he is trying to punish her perhaps? That's so low of him.
Do you have any respect for this man, or just a connection with him regardless of his poor moral standards?

I realise you are focusing very much on him at present but it isn't going to get you anywhere. It's a waste of your energy.

Original poster
worldsworstwife · 12/06/2010 21:47

i do know she cheated on him - i got told a long time ago - we live in a small town where everyone gossips about others my sister told me and mates- he took her back after catching her with one of his mates.
im not stupid i know this is wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
worldsworstwife · 12/06/2010 21:52

dh isnt stable - he ended up in a mental health clinic when we split - he couldnt take it- he kept on and on at me for weeks -i was by myself and was happier.i was weak and put my kids before myself- any mother would.dh knows i dont love him - cant find him attractive ,i dont respect him.how can he be happy with that i know i wouldnt be if my partner felt like that.
just want to reitterate i have not had sex with ex

OP posts:
dittany · 12/06/2010 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGettingFit · 12/06/2010 21:54

So he is justifying it that she has already shagged around.

God knows why they had a baby.

Walk away. Give them a chance.

Original poster
worldsworstwife · 12/06/2010 21:56

im going to
please can you help me put all this into words - im gonna do an email

OP posts:
FabIsGettingFit · 12/06/2010 21:57

Dear Twat
Please do not contact me anymore.
I do not want any kind of relationship with you.
Good bye.
Wife come to her senses.

Original poster
worldsworstwife · 12/06/2010 21:58

that made me chuckle

OP posts:
secunda · 12/06/2010 21:59

Dear x,

I have decided that we must stop communicating like this. It's not fair on your wife or the new baby. I was mistaken in thinking that anything could happen between us. You have to face up to your responsibilities towards the woman you love.

Good luck with the new baby

worldsworstwife

MargaretAtwood3660 · 12/06/2010 22:01

LOL Fab

blinder · 12/06/2010 22:02

How about

'I am going to have no further contact with you. You should commit to your wife and child. Please do not contact me.'

WRT your own marriage, I hope you find the strength to leave and, as you say, put your own happiness first.

FakePlasticTrees · 12/06/2010 22:13

how about:

look, this has all been really flattering for my ego, but let's face it, you're not leaving your wife and I think I'm worth more than being someone's dirty little secret.

So, focus on your family, I'm going to try to sort my stuff out (which you are actually getting in the way of me doing) and I hope you love being a parent as much as I do.

Original poster
worldsworstwife · 12/06/2010 22:16

like it fake
im going to do it tomorrow when ive had a good sleep.
thankyou all - wise ladies

OP posts:
IsGraceAvailable · 12/06/2010 22:22

Glad you're going to do it. It's the only sane decision.

Good luck! Keep posting

nickschick · 12/06/2010 22:27

Id say something along the lines of .....as much as im flattered by our conversations they must stop we both chose different paths and now must follow the road we chose,I dont want to not have you as a friend but I cant say that I can bear still 'being friends' at this point - so all things considered I am choosing to walk away from might have been.

There you go thats not hutful its just full stop im not speaking with you.

scottishmummy · 12/06/2010 22:32

you are living a fantasy whatif to divert from your marital turmoil.of he was so fucking right for you ha wouldnt have lost contact 14 years or got his missus up the duff

now stop all the heart or head chuff.that is a cop out excuse for you both behaving appallingly

4children(1 unborn) dont need this shit because you are mooning about Mr Pastlife

and he is feeding you a line. if it was so platonic he would not have got his wife pg

walk away. have a scrap of humanity and dignity