what do I do now? crisis

[cariboo]

I recently booked cheap flights (non-refundable) for me and the dc to go visit my dad (and his wife), as well as my two half-sisters, one of whom has 3 dc more or less the same age as mine, this summer in Canada. Everyone seemed perfectly happy with the arrangement and then - boom! - I received this email:

"Hello Cariboo.

With regard to your schedule for the summer-you should have asked me if 19 days was ok. I had said 14 days. In fact, your initial request was to come for 10 days, and I said two weeks would be fine. I'm not asking you to change your flights this time, but please, in future, don't just ignore my wishes. Love Stepmother"

Terrifying! What have I got us into? Do I forward this message to my Dad (he's almost 80) or - first outraged reaction - post it on FB for the whole family to see?

We don't have pots of money, obviously so a hotel would be out. I have a few friends there who may or may not be delighted to have us as houseguests. Certainly not for 19 days, of course. A motel? OMG, what should I do?

That sounds pretty polite to me - what's the problem? There was obviously a failure in communication somewhere along the line.

Or am I missing something?

So why did you sneak in the extra five days? Can you spend them elsewhere (with one of your sisters?). Don't forward the email to your dad or put it on facebook. Reply to her privately.

Well you would only need to find accomodation elsewhere for 5 nights. However, I think she's saying it's OK for you to stay 19 days now you've booked it, but in future don't come out for longer than she says is OK

Cos of ds' birthday, which is on the 14th of August. Don't want him jet-lagged for his 7th birthday.

Errr, I would be a bit pissed off too if family had taken it upon themselves to descend on me for 9 more days than was originally discussed

why did you add so much on ?

I find it a bit heartless but...

if you didn't want him jetlagged, you should have adjusted the dates

not nearly doubled the length of your freebie visit

Heartless? I think you are reading things into it - it reads to me as firm but polite. Do you not get on with your stepmother?

Do you need to do anything?

She hasn't asked you to find other accommodation. She is now expecting you to stay for the full 19 days. Does she not have the right to a say in who stays in her home and for how long?

I must say, in your shoes I would be feeling quite shamefaced for my presumption, and apologising to her.

Unless there is some history here you haven't alluded to?

I was trying to accommodate both the wishes of one of my sisters, who'll be away for the whole of August and also ds' wish to spend his birthday with Grandad and the cousins.

all fairynuff, cariboo....but you didn't discuss it with her first

40 years of history. Most of it pretty terrible.

cariboo...I think your holiday is doomed, tbh

why are you going to stay with people you clearly hate ?

Thanks, AnyFucker. You've helped me to start thinking and stop reacting. I'll find some accommodation here and there among friends for the 5 extra days.

just slow down a minute

that message from her was clearly blunt and snippy

but she was saying you can stay for 19 days

now she has said that (or more accurately, you have put her on the spot and given her no choice...), you may well further piss her off by spitting out the dummy and finding alternative accomodation

I am afraid you have rather made your bed, lovey

and, btw, you are still "reacting"

I reckon you shuld sleep on it a couple of days

Not people, anyfucker - my Dad, whom I love and miss terribly. Always have and always will.

the problem is though, that Wicked Stepmother also lives in their house

doomed, I tells ye

never stay with family

always ends in tears (especially my family )

Thank you, AnyFucker. A voice of wisdom and humour! New name for you: DamnGoodFucker

I think it could have been said whilst you were out there and in a more I'm-not-trying-to-put-you-off-coming way rather than a before-you-come email.

You know her well? Or has your relationship with her been a source of tension historically?

What's your relationship with your dad like?

Canada being Canada n all I'd suggest you take the higher ground and maybe see if they have camping gear and go off for a mini break part way to diffuse any tension (and give dcs sublime experience)

Good luck

cariboo...you too is a good egg for not getting all huffy

a few days camping could be a good compromise

I expect Cruella won't be into camping

I think I would be pretty P'd off with an email like that. Its really bloody curt and not actually very friendly at all. I read it in the same way as you. I'm really sorry for you too.

That said, don't in a knee jerk reaction post it on FB. It depends how close you are to your Dad really as to whether you forward it to him. I'd be tempted, if I had a good relationship.

I would go, for the full time you have booked, let her just 'stew' about the last 5 days, once there, you will probably all just have a great time, the 5 days will not be even an issue once you're all there, having fun, doing things, having days out etc etc. So, i'd not worry about changing those plans.

Perhaps, in advance, you could call your friends, maybe let them know the situation and ask if things get difficult could you call on them, or, even just make that arrangement for the last few days anyway?

How close are you to your stepsisters? could you talk to them about it? maybe ask if you could stay with them under the same circumstances?

But, i'd really urge you not to post it on FB etc... let it sink in and make back up plans instead.

Lastly, you could reply to stepmother, and say, something along the lines of, it being a special trip for you all, how you had no idea at all that spending more time with her would be such an issue, that she'd enjoy spending the extra time with the grandchildren as would your Dad. Even maybe mention the fact that he's 80 and you have no idea when you will get there again and wanted to spend as much time as possible with him whilst you could... just another angle/thought to try.

I'd bet money on it being ok in the end though.

Too right! Never, ever stay with family. More than 3 days. Now must get in touch with friends who may have friends who need housesitting while they are away...

Or we rent a caravan! That could be fun! Except for the bears.... eek!

Awww... that's so kind, susiecutiebananas! My stepmother and I have rowed all our lives. She's a retired nurse and one of the toughest and the most wily female creature I've ever met. My Dad is an ol' pussycat who hates confrontation. I think he must have been the first human to say "whatever" with it's current meaning - mock or forced indifference."just don't get me involved, okay?" Is his unspoken motto.

i agree with susie - that email is totally well rude and would've had me in tears. do real people really write to each other like that???

however, the only course of action open to you now i'm afraid is to apologise and explain that you had no idea it would cause any issues and maybe offer to stay elsewhere for some of the time if that would suit her plans better. but remember to say that you appreciate her offer and you are so looking forward to seeing her in a few weeks

sorry crossed posts with a load others...

If you clearly miss your dad so much, its not her place in any way to say how much time you should spend with him, its his house too, and you are his daughter. you have every right!!

I dont agree with some of the above posts - clearly

She has "agreed" reluctantly, i'd be tempted to stick up two fingers and royally P's her off, with the 40 odd years of shitty relationship you've had with her!

Its your time to spend with your Dad, and she cannot control that. She can stick her jealousy her behind, if i'm reading this situation correctly... that will be and have been her motivation for all these years to this.

Go, enjoy your Dad. He's 80 sadly, you might not get many more chances, and she had no right whatsoever to take that time away from you.

Can you tell I really understand.. or is it my projecting hmm not sure!