what do I do now? crisis

[cariboo]

I recently booked cheap flights (non-refundable) for me and the dc to go visit my dad (and his wife), as well as my two half-sisters, one of whom has 3 dc more or less the same age as mine, this summer in Canada. Everyone seemed perfectly happy with the arrangement and then - boom! - I received this email:

"Hello Cariboo.

With regard to your schedule for the summer-you should have asked me if 19 days was ok. I had said 14 days. In fact, your initial request was to come for 10 days, and I said two weeks would be fine. I'm not asking you to change your flights this time, but please, in future, don't just ignore my wishes. Love Stepmother"

Terrifying! What have I got us into? Do I forward this message to my Dad (he's almost 80) or - first outraged reaction - post it on FB for the whole family to see?

We don't have pots of money, obviously so a hotel would be out. I have a few friends there who may or may not be delighted to have us as houseguests. Certainly not for 19 days, of course. A motel? OMG, what should I do?

• should have said UP her behind

Oh Cariboo, I really do feel for you. She's put you in a horrible situation, NOT the other way round at all.
You both know you are going for him, not her. She knows it, you know it.

I'm a nurse, and I cannot understand any nurse having such a horrible attitude to another person in my life. Where the hell has her her empathy gone?

You bloody make sure you go for the FULL 19 days, enjoy YOUR dad.
Send her an email telling her that you are going, for him, for your children and their grandad. You are sorry she has any problem with this, still after all these years, but its not as though he is just around the corner to drop in on, so a long visit is all you can do and you hoped she would understand given his age... (I'm not saying this is this last time you will see him I'm just trying to suggest you lay that one on thick to her! )

She sounds like a nasty piece of work and your Dad sounds like a peaceful soul, so perhaps best you don't involve him

I'm sorry i've gone on and on, it actually really upset me to read the email she sent you ( i know it wasn't to me!) but that someone could be so rude and blunt, especially to the man she loves daughter! It really made me feel sad for you.

Sorry ive gone on.

You've got it in a nutshell, susie. Nothing against nurses but she's a tough old bat who worked in palliative care for many years. Although I think compassion and kindness would be far more useful in such situations but then what do I know of nursing, except that it's bloody hard work?

Since my last post, I've managed to get in touch with one of my friends who lives in Seattle and he says we are welcome to stay with his family (he was not crass enough to specify the exact number of days, bless his heart!) and I've got other friends in Vancouver who will be glad to help out, I'm sure. Beastly woman! She IS jealous and always has been: there is no other "logical" explanation. Here's the reply I sent to her this morning:

"Hi Wicked Stepmother,

Have slept on this and, after my initial reaction of distress and hurt, have realized that of course you are right but am rather surprised by your wording.

However, I have a plan. Several, in fact. So not to worry: we'll be going visiting - at least two of my friends want to us to come and stay for a few days. I did know about that when I made the reservation but wasn't entirely sure but now have had confirmation from at least one of my friends.

Also, there was ds' birthday. I didn't want him to be jet-lagged for it and he really, really wants to spend it with you and Dad and the rest of the family over there, so I opted for that. Then (half-sister) said something about not being to see us at all on the original dates I had planned. So that's how it happened. I didn't mean to "ignore your wishes" - for heaven's sake!

Love,
Cariboo"

Blimey, that was a very good, and restrained reply! Well done. Glad you got in the bit about your Ds wanting to be with his Grandad. I'd have got in a lot more myself!

I worked in palliative care and hope to return to it as a macmillan nurse, and I still don't understand her nastiness and lack of empathy for your feelings or even humanity! Strange strange woman... you poor thing being stuck with her for so long, and also having to spend time with her in order to see your Dad.

I am pleased you have found some other friends to visit. Why don't I have loads of mates all over the world I could stay with for a few days if needed?

I hope you feel better today, and good about your reply. I guess you might have to brace and expect a reply back of some kind... make sure you post it!

I think she sounds like a right old bag. If someone was travelling all that way I wouldn't get all sniffy about a few extra days.

Actually I think she was rude and ungracious. You are family, after all.

And I'm titled, so I know about these things.

her email was nasty, your going to see YOUR dad, she shouldnt have snet something so rude.

hope it gets sorted

x

You were very restrained in your reply Cariboo!! Its your Dad's house too (I assume) and therefore who is she to dictate how much time is acceptable for his daughter to stay! I would have been massively shocked if I had received such a blunt email from her!

Do let us know if you get a reply, and I hope you and your family thoroughly enjoy your lovely holiday!!

well, obviously not all of them (like maybe 4!) are really mates since I hardly ever see them, what with the distance and all and some are actually family members (not blood related) who may or may not be sympathetic... I hope I don't have to drag my dad into this. That would be catastrophic. The WS is perfectly capable of saying, 'right, you aren't welcome in our home' and then I'd be stuck with 3 return flights to Vancouver and nowhere to stay!

Hi Cariboo.

sorry to hear you are having family trouble - it's such a headache when you are far from family and have to go and stay with them for any length of time, isn't it?

Glad it's (reasonably) sorted.

Can I just ask you as an aside to come back to the book swap thread here - people are getting a little worried that their books have vanished into thin air!

oh yes, the books. will find them and send them on. sorry

Ok great. Do you have LBAM's address? I'll email it to you if you want?

I live overseas from my family, and love them dearly - but if they asked me if they could come for 2 weeks and then just booked for 19 days I would be upset that they didn't at least check with me before booking. Firstly - I may have had other guests or I may have just had other plans - such as a small dinner party, a short break away - the possibilities are endless.

Whilst I love my family and love seeing them, it is stressful having visitors - no matter how close you are. I get that it's your Dad, but it's her (and his) home. It's not only rude to expect to be able to stay when you want, it's taking him for granted to expect that he keeps his entire year free for whenever you may want to visit. (I know that's not literally how you think - but did you consider whether it was convenient for them or whether they had plans before inviting yourself for the extra days?) I get fed up when my family insist on booking flights that arrive in the middle of the night when I have to be up at work early in the morning (they visit enough that if I took time off each time I would never go on holiday myself!).

As someone who's had to stand up for herself to relatives who book flights for longer than arranged I would say that whilst they're free and it's no trouble this time, next time she's asking you to consider their lives outside of your visits and to check first. Your Stepmum reacted better than I did... I told my sister that I had other guests coming and that she couldn't stay for the extra days and let her sweat for a while before telling her the others "cancelled".

Agree with sandinmyshoes, she may well have had other plans that she's had to cancel/rearrange.
It probably wasn't an easy email for her to send, but she had to point it out.
I would be mortified and grovelling tbh.

as someone who has family visiting me i'd be very pissed of that you'd pushed 10 days up to 19. she had increased your initial 10 day visit to 14 so give credit where due. she feels put upon because you've increased it further to 19. give an inch, take a mile.

if your father's 80 is it possible she's worried about his health and is concerned that he won't get enough rest with the kids around?

from your side i'd be pissed off. i don't think i'd have sent such an arsey response but it's done now. it was fine until the 'for heavens sake'.

just see how this plays out but i wouldn't be surprised if she reacts badly to that email.

and you have ignored her wishes - she said no more than 14 and you increased it to 19 without asking.

It wasn´t a very polite email but I think she perhaps feels taken advantage of in that I´m thinking she´ll be doing most of the hosting?

Why are you dealing with her wrt when/how long?

TBH I would have been apologising for booking extra days without asking.

From the email you sent-no wonder the pair of you don´t get on!

what a bitch, sending this email means you will feel uncomfortable in her home from the very outset. she has a point, but she could have handled it better. no grace or manners

Ugh!

Has she replied again to you?

I wouldn't be able to afford to feed 4 extra people for 19 days, TBH, but even if they have pots of money and want to spend it on giving you and the kids a great free holiday, 19 days without being asked is, well, pretty cheeky. And living with 3 kids for that length of time is challenging for much older people.

I think you are a bit out of order.

Tanga & warthog... how much is she paying you?

lol @ cariboo

they only said what I said at the beginning of this thread

cariboo, you have to face facts, you ought to have asked first if they were FREE to host you and your entire family for the better part of 3 weeks.

She'll have to get the house ready and clear up after you, so it will be more than three weeks of effort.

If your half sister said she wanted to see you outside the original dates then perhaps you could have thought to stay with or near her.. by the by.

And now for a For Heaven's Sake directed at you, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, learn from the billions of threads on here about the house guests from hell and don't just sit there and expect to be waited on. Your dad is 80, your step mum has enough to do, without waiting hand and foot on you and 3 step children.

That is asking way too much of even your own mother, let alone a woman you don't really have that much of a relationship with.

FWIW, when I lived abroad and had a trip booked for 2 years ago, my step father sent me a shorter sharper email than the one you got. I cancelled my trip, it ruined my summer, I missed my sister coming over from USA for a visit, I spent my 40th in the shittiest life imaginable, but I did not put my step father out. I told my mum and dad how sad I was, I told my sister all about it, they all thought StepFather was out of line, but I felt that I couldn't go after he'd done that.

You are bulldozing your way through your extended family, you didn't consult them before descending and you still have the poor manners to sit here and still not get it.

Make it your life's goal to organise little trips away from your SM house, use the house as a base only, and make sure that you cook, clean and help as much as you blooming will can. Your dad is 80, this could be the last trip to see him, so make it a good one.

HOUSEGUESTS?? This is my FATHER, ffs! From whom I was separated, entirely against my will, for most of my life!

No, I'm not seriously angry but get your facts straight, please: I suggested 10 days (Geneva to Vancouver is not exactly next door, is it?) and she said 2 weeks. Two weeks became 19 days. OMG, so sue me!! Does anyone honestly think I would willingly put myself and the dc (2 kids, not 3) through the torture of being on our best behavior, all day and all night, for 19 days? Of course I plan to rent a car, buy the groceries, do the cooking, cleaning, be kind, generous, courteous, respectful, gracious, caring, self-effacing, make sure we're up early, out the door before 10am and not home until it's time to make dinner, with a bottle or two of B.C.'s finest tucked under my arm. All this just to see my dad for a bit before it's too late! Do you understand what hell I've been through since the age of 5, year after year, JUST TO BE WITH MY FATHER? Is it right, is it fair? Hell, no! But as Dad always says, "who told you life was fair?"

It was always my intention to take at least five days "off" to visit a friend or two, btw.