what do I do now? crisis

[cariboo]

I recently booked cheap flights (non-refundable) for me and the dc to go visit my dad (and his wife), as well as my two half-sisters, one of whom has 3 dc more or less the same age as mine, this summer in Canada. Everyone seemed perfectly happy with the arrangement and then - boom! - I received this email:

"Hello Cariboo.

With regard to your schedule for the summer-you should have asked me if 19 days was ok. I had said 14 days. In fact, your initial request was to come for 10 days, and I said two weeks would be fine. I'm not asking you to change your flights this time, but please, in future, don't just ignore my wishes. Love Stepmother"

Terrifying! What have I got us into? Do I forward this message to my Dad (he's almost 80) or - first outraged reaction - post it on FB for the whole family to see?

We don't have pots of money, obviously so a hotel would be out. I have a few friends there who may or may not be delighted to have us as houseguests. Certainly not for 19 days, of course. A motel? OMG, what should I do?

Hi Cariboo
Just wanted to say that I can understand exactly how you feel.
But please go anyway and try to have a good holiday.

Seriously, 19 days is a long time to stay with someone, especially with older people who are set in their ways. I've stayed 4 weeks at my parents' house, once, and it was a HUGE favour on their part. It was necessary for us but I still feel it was a really big ask.

We live quite far from my family and if any of them just descended on us for almost 3 weeks I'd be so upset. It's really hard work having people to stay, I think you have overstepped.

I also think that your dad was not "taken" away from you. He went, he chose to go.

That said, your SM's email was very snippy and upsetting and I don't envy you your holiday!

I'm with you cariboo. If one of my children was travelling thousands of miles to see me they could stay for as long as they wanted.

I honestly think they should be pleased that you are bothering to make such an effort to come to see them. It isn't easy (or cheap) to travel across the world with three kids in tow.

And I do think the email was curt and rude.

Cariboo, I do understand how difficult things have been for you and I understand your anger about the difficulties associated with seeing your father. I have been there. My dad never lived abroad, but, tbh, at times he might as well have done. My Stepmother made it very difficult indeed for my sister and I to see my dad. I am not going to go into all the details, but suffice it to say, that when the end came, my step mother deliberately chose to keep my sister and I away from my dad during his last days and it was only the fact that a friend of my dad's knew that he would have wanted us there and called me, that we had the chance to see him and be with him when he died. I am telling you this so that you see that I really do empathise with your feelngs about seeing your dad. BUT, I do think it was U of you to increase the length of stay without clearing it with them first, It doesn't matter what you intend to do regarding helping out, cooking whatever. The very fact that you will be stopping in their home, will have an impact upon them and you really should have cleared it with them first.

Some people are very comfortable with having house guests, others (and I am one) find it quite difficult. I would have been upset too, if somebody decided to extend their stay in my home without asking me first. It is not because I am unsociable, or because I am mean or controlling. It is just that I find it hard to be at ease when I have houseguests. I think that your step mother has just tried to ensure that in future, you take her wishes into account. It is her home as well, not just your dad's.

I wonder what the responses would have been if, for example, the OP had been alomg the lines of ; I said my ILs can come and stay for 14 days but now I've discovered they have booked to come for 19 days without checking with me first. Would IBU to tell them that in future they should check with me before they increase the length of their stay?

I can't imagine there would have been too many responses telling such an OP that they were out of order and that it was the right of the ILs to do this and that the OP should be grateful! ( Which is what a number of the replies here have suggested).

your dad didn't send the email. His wife did. It's her house, her home, to her you are just a guest. You have to second guess yourself, you are not with your family, you are dealing with your step mother. I know it's crap, but you have to understand, she'd far rather you didn't exist. Your dad doesn't want to get involved in any argy bargy. So you have to accept that you must be on your best behaviour. Like i said, it's utter shit, and i do sympathise, but you have to undertand the real situation. Otherwise you are going to come a cropper. I'm on your side, but merely telling you how to play the game.

i dont see how some of you posters can see cariboo responding email as restrained. i thought it was very rude.

infact.... it was bitchy.

and your ranting about it being YOUR father....you come accross as spoilt and jealous of other people having more of your fathers attention/time than you would like.

you get no sympathy from myself (and i bet i'm not the only reader)

regardless if SM is a bit of a witch, doesn't give you the right to act appalingly.

However, something tells me that SM is not a witch, but you are the difficult SD she has to deal with. if she was a witch she would have been far more blunt at you extending your stay and ignoring her wishes. but she was polite and straight to the point without being rude.

If you bothered to read my reply to my stepmother, you'll see I admitted my guilt in not asking first. Of course it was an impulsive, silly thing to do and does appear selfish but I always intended to use those extra days for visiting friends and taking the dc to Vancouver Island.

My unhappiness is due to the perceived waspishness of my stepmother's "your initial request was to come for 10 days" (I never "requested" anything but accepted my dad's invitation to come for a visit!) along with "in future, don't just ignore my wishes". I did NOT ignore her wishes: I suggested ten days and she in turn suggested 2 weeks. Wishes were never mentioned.

I am also a stepmother and when dh & I moved in together, I said to his dds "Wherever we are, you are welcome. Whenever you want, for as long you want, the door is open." I made sure that there was always a place for the girls to sleep, even when we lived in a tiny flat. Yes, there were times when the girls had to come and stay, including the week after I gave birth to our own dd, which is probably one of the most difficult times to have "houseguests". I never wanted dh's girls to feel unwelcome in their dad's home!

Long rant - sorry!

I think it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. You both wind each other up, you grate on each other's nerves.

Aside from the snippy emails, which both sides were guilty of sending, if you were better able to communicate with her - and emails are so flat and don't convey subtleties or nuances - I am sure you wouldn't be in this situation.

FWIW, what other word could your SM have used, other than requested? you are getting way too hung up on singular words, and it's winding you up, and so you reply without much grace at all and then she's wound up. If this carries on, you had better cancel those tickets or book a B&B, cos you will kill off any chance to get a nice and pleasant holiday out of this.

You should't have done this on email, you should have called her/your dad to chat about it, sound them out.

Ok so you were wrong, very wrong, and she is milking it for all it is worth, you are gifting this "My Step-Daughter's a nightmare" scenario, even if she is exaggerating it all for effect. You were wrong, you did apologise. A good start, but no where near where you need to get to, and fast.

I admire your comments about what you have said to your DSDs, but fast forward 20 years and they are pitching up with 3 DC for 3 weeks without checking with you first and your DP is in his dotage, and perhaps you will get a hint of why you have put your SM out. The older our parents get, the more set in their ways and routines they are. The less tolerant and patient they are. Forget this at your peril.

As I've said my SDad has been horrific to me, and I've wished a million times he would just vaporise. I HATE the way I have to tiptoe around in what used to be my family home. But it is what it is.

As it goes, the best thing you can do to regain the high ground, and calm everything down is to get on the phone (call for 1p/min here) and say Oh SM, Sorry about the misunderstanding, I just wanted to tell you that we won't be permanently camped at yours, that we are doing X and 'Y and visiting A and B. Again, if you don't do this, your holiday will be doomed, as AF said.

Make sure you WILL help her, make sure you leave everything better than you encounter it. Any less and you will give her room to moan. Don't give her that satisfaction.

You need a huge portion of Humble Pie, and lose this snippy entitlement attitude pronto. I know I'm being harsh, but I am being fair. I assure you, if you don't smooth things over now, it'll be the last chance you have to do so.

Well, the welcome I would want after spending god knows how much money, effort of traveling with 3 children from geneva to Vancouver, is, 'HOW BLOODY GREAT TO SEE YOU AND STAY AS LONG AS YOU WANT. THIS IS YOUR HOME!'

Speaking from experience, step families are difficult at the best of times, but the step mom's email was very cold. She doesn't give any reason, other than jockeying for position. Am afraid I would resist the urge to say, 'well, we're coming to visit dad. It means to much to him, so sorry you aren't as enthusiastic about the visit as we are, and know dad will be...'

LittleHiss, what a superb post! Thank you for taking so much time and effort. You're absolutely right and I have already phoned my stepmother and sorted it out with her... and my Dad. I think there was a major clash over this so I'm going to let it be and learn to think much, much more carefully before acting and speaking with regard to my SM.

I'm only too aware of my dad's age and how easily and quickly he tires. He's incredibly active, still teaching, working on environmental issues and winning awards. But he needs lots of naps and is clearer on some days than on others. So proud of Dad and, to be fair, admire my SM enormously for the care and love she gives him.

I need to grow up. That's the bottom line, isn't it?

Thanks also to lovedogsandobama... I feel the same but must not say ONE MORE WORD to her on this issue.

I only hope it all goes well...

I think expecting to stay so long with dcs is a huge imposition and not your given right at all ~ maybe staying in a hotel for the last six days or half the time would be a good idea.
You have totally mismanaged this and come across as spoiled and petulant.
Also maybe they have something on in the extra week of your proposed visit.

oh cariboo, i'm so glad! I know it grates to keep schtum and take it, in believe me i know, but you'd be on a losing wicket if you didn't back down.

The other thing to consider is that your dad clearly is old, he does need to be cared for and she is the one that's doing it day in and day out. That'll make her more protective of him.

Fwiw, i agree entirely with obama, you bloody well ought to have the red carpet rolled out, and a huge welcome, but the chance of that happening ended the day your dad met your step mum. I have wept many tears at the behaviour of my stepdad.

Go over, go on a total charm offensive, for your dad's sake, for your own pride's sake. It may not make any difference to her, but at least you'll be blameless, if she's less that charitable to you, it'll reflect more poorly on her.

Bon Voyage!

go fly a kite, alwayssearching.

cariboo - pleased you got this sorted. and you are right not to mention it again and let sleeping dogs lie. its been out , talked about, sorted ..

now go enjoy a fabby holiday

thanks!

ok sorry!
didn't mean to sound quite so harsh,just thought it seemed a lot to expect when I read it