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Relationships

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Original poster

DH just not bothered about having sex with me

56 replies

stradivarious · 09/06/2010 11:05

Have also posted in Dadsnet to get male POV but no response yet. Am at breaking point and would welcome any advice, help, opinions, please. Had pnd twice coupled with anti depressants and sadly DH was frequently refused sex from me for which I always felt incredibly guilty for, (he didn't believe me). He never went without for more than a months or so. So about 6years ago, I thought in a moment of anger, he said he would not 'bother' me again. He hasn't exactly stuck to his word 100% but I guess he has approached me for sex around 4 or 5 times a year and I have always responded. This year it has been only twice so far and I am getting more and more unable to cope with the lack of interest or affection. I feel very ugly and undesirable despite the fact I am well groomed and very attracive. He is not interested in me and despite the fact I have told him how I feel, certainly a few times in the last 3 years, he is still keeping away. He is only 46 and when asked, claims he has no one else. How can a man of his age be so disinterested? I don't know what to do. I still love him and want to be with him but this is seriously hurting me badly. I have told him this. I even went so far (probably big mistake) to tell him I was going to go out more often and find someone who is interested in me becuase he clearly wasn't. Sadly his response to that was oh right thats how it is is it. Well I can do the same then. I told him I was not happy to continue our marriage with no sex and asked was in he interested in having a sexual relationship with me. He never just says yes or no but skirts around the question and never really answers. Help, if you can please. Also, no I never take the initiative and approach him as he told me a few years ago he didnt love me anymore, hence I feel unable to make a move on him. He is otherwise, kind etc but we live as friends not lovers.

OP posts:

Original poster

stradivarious · 09/06/2010 11:17

Any advice anyone pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeese

OP posts:

MortaIWombat · 09/06/2010 11:28

Poor you.

I'm afraid I would assume he does have someone else (even if it's just an occasional prostitute, and assuming he had an average sex drive previously).
Not because a bloke can't do without sex for months on end (they can; they just pretend they can't ), but because he doesn't seem to care about you and how you feel. Being so vengeful in just one area of your life, whilst being 'kind, etc' in all other areas sounds very odd.
But I am making a hideous mess of my own relationship at the moment, so cam actually probably not best placed to comment!

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/06/2010 11:39

Well, you have more than one issue.

Your DH told you that he doesn't love you any more. You need to deal with this.

You need to sit down and talk to him. Explain what YOU want, how you want to go about achieving it. Is that to keep your marriage going? Do you want to rekindle your sex life? If so, you need to initiate sex as well, you can't just leave it all up to him. Did he mean what he said?

There is no point sorting out your sex life if your marriage is over. Once you have found out whether you have a future together, then move onto the sex. But it is an important issue.

Sammyuni · 09/06/2010 11:40

Well constant rejection over a long period of time probably hurt his feelings and now he wants you to experience the same thing.

Or he may have finally gave up on asking you for sex and decided it would be best to get it elsewhere.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/06/2010 11:42

And why did you tell him that you were going to go out and find someone else rather than sorting out your issues (regardless of whther it was true or not)?

You have both made a right mess of things, you need to talk and possibly see someone.

BudaisintheZONE · 09/06/2010 11:44

Maybe he is just not interested in sex. He doesn't have to be getting it elsewhere either. My DH is not interested. Would never bother him if he had sex again.

Original poster

stradivarious · 09/06/2010 11:45

PTMD - I said what I said (stupidly) because I am fed up with our situation not changing or improving. He never gives a concise answer, its always along the lines of 'if you are not happy then do something about it'. I often (every few months) bare my soul, tell him how I feel, tell him I still love him, want to carry on being married etc.

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BudaisintheZONE · 09/06/2010 11:49

Sounds like you need counselling.

Original poster

stradivarious · 09/06/2010 12:04

We did the counselling bit a few years ago but after a couple of sessions he decided we didnt need it and so we stopped. I suppose if I had been mentally stronger when emerging from my pnd I would have thought a lot clearer when he said he didnt love me anymore and perhaps moved on then. Instead I have astuck around hoping for an improvement. We jog along fine except in the bedroom

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PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/06/2010 12:09

In that case, it is time for a final chat.

You need to get him to sit down and tell him it is make or break time. Tell him that his behaviour is making you think that he wants out.

Yes, your PND has has ramifications, but it is not your fault. You couldn't control it. You should not have said what you did, but you have both done and said silly things. But these things are in the past and you need to know, once and for all, if this is it, or he wants to work on it.

I would be saying "I think that we can put this all behind us and start again. If we are going to do that then you need to start being open with me. You might want to clam up and not talk, but we are at a cross roads. Either we try and make it work, fresh start, forget our previous limitations and problems, or we break up and move on". If he will not even discuss this with you, then you have your answer. I would not carry on after that with no response, no talk, to emotion.

You cannot continue in this situation.

Original poster

stradivarious · 09/06/2010 12:15

PTMD we have had so so many talks, all instigated by me. He just says hes happy as he is and if I am not then do something about it. He also believes I will never leave (he admitted this to me a while back). It would be such a total waste to walk away. Why do I still believe its not what he wants but is incapable of baring his soul and telling me the truth. I really am at rock bottom, I couldnt be any more broken than I currently feel I am.

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BudaisintheZONE · 09/06/2010 12:20

I feel for you. I am in a similar situation except that I have accepted it. We haven't had sex for almost 15 years. Last time was on our honeymoon.

I am overweight and I am sure that this has a lot to do with it.

Sometimes I feel sad about it but I have to say it bothers me a lot less now than it used to.

I decided that I could and probably should have left years ago. Before we had DS who is now 9 and was an IVF baby. I feel I cannot take DS away from DH or vice versa when in all other areas everything is fine.

You have to decide how important it is to you and if you are prepared to leave. Because your DH won't change. You are the only one who can change things.

poodie · 09/06/2010 12:21

This sounds a bit similar to another poster recently - in that it would appear that your partner has emotionally opted out of the (romantic/sexual) relationship but is expecting you to have to make any difficult decisions about the status of your relationship.

It sounds as though he told you this a few years ago, when he said he didn't love you any more, but he is not prepared to take any decisive action.

Sorry, but it sounds as though he wants you to be the one who forces some kind of confrontation so you will be the one who is responsible for whatever happens with regard to your relationship.

I think it is a kind of passive aggressive approach? It is possible there is someone else.

Think it would be helpful to talk through all this with a neutral third party (counsellor etc) with out without him.

Original poster

stradivarious · 09/06/2010 12:26

Yes poodie, those have been my thoughts also. If I make any move then I would be the 'baddie' wouldnt I. Although he is so intelligent I find it hard to believe he would wait for me to do that. He obviously is not TOO unhappy. Or am I completely blinded by my own sadness.

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ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 09/06/2010 12:29

DH and I get into this rut - he has said at times he doesn't love me then the spiral begins, but someone has to try and break it. I guess it doesn't matter who is at 'fault', but TBH I would go all out one evening and make alot of effort. Meal and candles, dress up abit, and all the rest of it - show him you do want him. Trying to make him jealous hasn't, and won't work. Sounds like he has just given up and can't be bothered now. It is true with sex the 'use it or lose it' thing - unless it's for a 'good' reason sometimes one or the other needs to make the effort - we don't all fall into bed giggling and laughing in moments of passion. THen once you get back into it, are more confident you won't be rejected etc. you end up wanting and doing it more.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/06/2010 12:34

But if he is not interested in talking, won't make any effort, pretends (possibly) that he doesn't care, and says you can leave if you like, then what is left?

Regardless of what you want, you cannot make it work by yourself. One person can't maintain a relationship.

I was going to say that he is hoping you will end it because he wants to be the victim, but he said he thinks you will never leave.

Maybe you should. He will either realise what he has lost, or you will realise what a weight it is off your shoulders, not carrying the stress of a one person relationship any more.

bleedingheart · 09/06/2010 12:39

I think the 'love' issue is more important than the sex issue. I really feel for you as you must feel incredibly lonely. Can you get some time just the two of you and sit him down and explain how you feel and ask him to commit to what he wants? Because if he isn't bothered about sex and wants a housemate not a wife then you can start to decide what you want.
I wouldn't assume he has someone else. He may be depressed too now, or stuck in a rut. Men don't have to have sex anymore than we do but you would expect him to want it.
This must be horrible for you. I hope things work out for you.

Original poster

stradivarious · 09/06/2010 12:56

I had a heart to heart with him before christmas and basically told him how sad and lonely I was and that I thought 'we needed' to get away for a couple of days by ourselves without DC. He said ok but it would have to wait until after christmas as he was too busy (again, I note that I/we are not a priority). I also asked could we take our marriage vows again. He said he didnt need to and what for etc but agreed that if thats what I wanted then he would do. I told him how happy that makes me and he couldnt understand why, because it doesnt change anything. I told him that the mere fact he was willing to do that 'for me' made me very happy and that I would have thought he would be happy becuase I wanted to. Back to June 2010, neither has happened, neither has been mentioned.

OP posts:

GeekOfTheWeek · 09/06/2010 13:04

I think you need to sort this once and for all.

He has said he doesn't love you, he shows you no love and he won't have sex with you.

I think your marriage is over from his point of view.

What do you want? Personally I couldn't stay in this 'marriage'.

DevonshireCat · 09/06/2010 22:40

I'm working on a similar but not as extreme problem.

When needed, chaps are able to separate out some of their needs; and as a chap, I can say your DH could be in love with you but has simply become de-sensitised to sex.

It's a slow and upsetting process, but a sequence of rejection and very little positive movement by the other person can grind any passion from you and then the relationship.

The usual advice of 'just get back in the saddle' doesn't always work, for if the passion (rather than just the sex) has gone then it's a more difficult problem to tackle.

I'm not sure there is a way to recover this middle ground: between sex and a simple relationship. But I can't say that your situation is un-solveable.

TDiddy · 09/06/2010 23:08

Men can experience fall off in sexual drive around that age. Is he physically fit? How about playing a sport together to (re)bond. Could help sexual drive as well.

Sex is one of the most complicating things in marriage.

Eurostar · 10/06/2010 09:28

bit confused as to why you have never tried to instigate sex since you got your libido back?

Original poster

stradivarious · 10/06/2010 09:55

Eurostar, I have not tried to instigate myself as I feel unloved, unvalued, inconsequential to this life. He is very busy and successful and I serious lack self esteem. I keep house and look great (SAHM) but since he wanted to walk away a few years ago but obviously stayed, he has never returned to me if that makes sense and I feel awkward to approach him even more so these days as there is just zero affection. I want to make a move but it feels so alien. He does know I want a proper marriage which includes a 'normal' sex life. I half told him many times. Maybe he is waiting for me to show that I do rather than say that I do

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loopylucy76 · 10/06/2010 10:05

have you considered looking elsewhere?

Original poster

stradivarious · 10/06/2010 10:33

loopylucy - NO and as long as I am married I would not.

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