DH just not bothered about having sex with me

[stradivarious]

Have also posted in Dadsnet to get male POV but no response yet. Am at breaking point and would welcome any advice, help, opinions, please. Had pnd twice coupled with anti depressants and sadly DH was frequently refused sex from me for which I always felt incredibly guilty for, (he didn't believe me). He never went without for more than a months or so. So about 6years ago, I thought in a moment of anger, he said he would not 'bother' me again. He hasn't exactly stuck to his word 100% but I guess he has approached me for sex around 4 or 5 times a year and I have always responded. This year it has been only twice so far and I am getting more and more unable to cope with the lack of interest or affection. I feel very ugly and undesirable despite the fact I am well groomed and very attracive. He is not interested in me and despite the fact I have told him how I feel, certainly a few times in the last 3 years, he is still keeping away. He is only 46 and when asked, claims he has no one else. How can a man of his age be so disinterested? I don't know what to do. I still love him and want to be with him but this is seriously hurting me badly. I have told him this. I even went so far (probably big mistake) to tell him I was going to go out more often and find someone who is interested in me becuase he clearly wasn't. Sadly his response to that was oh right thats how it is is it. Well I can do the same then. I told him I was not happy to continue our marriage with no sex and asked was in he interested in having a sexual relationship with me. He never just says yes or no but skirts around the question and never really answers. Help, if you can please. Also, no I never take the initiative and approach him as he told me a few years ago he didnt love me anymore, hence I feel unable to make a move on him. He is otherwise, kind etc but we live as friends not lovers.

Look, this man wants to keep you as a domestic servant, that's all. ANd he's getting to the point of not even caring about that. Find out all the relevatn information about the house/finances etc, then sit him down and say, look mate it;s obvious you want out. THis is what's going to happen about the house, this is how often you'll see the DC, now do you want to go and pack?

Solid is right. Don't let this loveless situation drag on, it isn't magically going to get better. Shock him into action one way or another.

Really feel for you, I went through a very similar situation. It is much better out the other side, and being with someone who does actually want to be with me is far nicer than the silent struggle I used to have with XH.

Strad - I'm glad you haven't name-changed again for this, but it is such a bloody waste persevering with this utterly dead relationship.

He doesn't love you. I'm not sure he even likes you very much.

I know that seems harsh and stark, but when ever I read posts from you about your marriage - whether it's about his parsimony about buying crockery and curtains for your palatial, but sterile home, or the passive-aggressive games you play with eachother, I want to scream, FGS get out of this destructive relationship woman!

For some utterly bizarre reason, you two have become co-dependant on eachother in this miserable, arid marriage.

I can see what he gets out of this to an extent. He gets his children cared for, keeps his assets intact and isn't socially embarrassed being married to you, but I haven't a clue what you get out of this deal. And your children are having a greatly impoverished childhood by the role model of a marriage you have both provided.

From what I remember about your H, he has never forgiven womankind after being abandoned by his mother, favours your son over your daughter and treats you with barely disguised contempt.

You seem to have a myriad of responses to this behaviour - confrontations every now and again, but more often, passive-aggressive game-playing such as leaving the Lundy Bancroft book lying around, threatening infidelity, flouncing and dropping bombshells that you never follow through on, engaging in a secret relationship with your exH. You've made so many threats now that your H simply doesn't believe you any more. He is contemptuous of you, which is the point of no return.

If for nothing else, I wish you had the courage to give your DCs a better model of how adults engage and resolve conflict.

Strad - sounds like you need counselling just for you. This will help you work out what you want out of life and come up with your own plan for how to get it. You can do this independently of DH.

It doesn't mean you are going to leave him, or have to leave him, or anything. But it should help you work out for yourself what actions you want to take.

On your descriptions here, I can see that your DH might find your behaviour frustrating - regular, long, heart to hearts where you agree a plan and then you do nothing to make sure it happens (e.g. why haven't you booked the marriage vow renewal thing, if that's what you agreed?). But from what others have said, there is clearly more to this than your posts here.

why can i NOT believe he doesnt want to be with me.

I was going to say..why not make a move, nothing to lose in seeing what happens...however, seeing WWIFN's post, I see there is so so much more going on here.

Sounds even possible that H took your lack of libido during PND as the excuse that he was looking for that women will betray you and would rather control you in a way that he never could his mother than bother with trying to create a healthy relationship which is hard when you've never had an example of what that might be.

I'd say, get yourself a CBT therapist who will work with you on your self-esteem.

I hate suggesting break ups as I've seen it impact so badly on so many children, however, if it is true that your H is also busy destroying your daughter's self-esteem and giving your son examples that will prevent him too from being able to form a loving, equal relationship in the future...time to ask yourself just what is the positive in staying around?

I've mentioned on another thread of a serial affair married man who mercilessly targetted my friend. His reasons for staying married were - "my reputation, my kids, my house" - no mention of his wife, she just was a vehicle for allowing it all to function. I fear you could be an example of the wife in that scenario.

If you stay passive, what can change?

strad - I don't think what he wants is your problem tbh. I think you don't know what you want. If you get some counselling you will be able figure that one out and then do something about it.

Strad, from what I remember, you've had lots of individual counselling now, haven't you and you're still no further forward?

Why can't you believe that he doesn't want you?

I suspect the reasons are complex and varied. Despite what you say about him and his obsession with making megabucks, you yourself are far more interested in status and form than you're prepared to admit. Remember your almost obsessional focus on not having the right white wine glasses when friends came to visit?

I also wonder whether, having had one failed marriage already (that perhaps you never got over) it would be like admitting failure if this one went down the pan too, especially after 20+ years.

But it is failing you and your children already, this marriage of convenience. Do you like what you have become, as a person? Do you remember a time when you were spontaneous, passionate and full of fun? When you didn't care about appearances, just what felt good and right?

It's not too late to get that woman back and it will be inspirational to your DCs.

Whenwill - oh dear, I can see I'm a bit behind! Think I'll leave you to it.

Strad - I vaguely remember you having phone calls with exH, are these ongoing?

i have a similar situation. i have been with my husband for 4 years now. we met, married and and had two children in this time. i'm 31 (just) and my hubby is 28, i can count on one hand the amount of sex we have had in the last year, it's ridiculous. He says he's stressed and has no desire, but still finds me attractive and still loves me. i caught him watching porn a few months ago, he couldn't wait to get me out of the door but when i came back a little quicker than he expected i caught him streaming internet porn. i felt like he had cheated on me. how can he get off on stuff like that but doesn't want to touch me? i've tried to talk to him, i've tried to initiate sex but apart from the rare occasions, nothing really. i'm now too embarrased to try anymore. it's not just the lack of sex its the other stuff it causes, the sex stops, the kisses stop, then the cuddles before you know it it sitting on seperate sofas each night not even sharing a conversation and looking forward to the next time i can get cheap thrills watching simon baker in the mentalist lol! its depressing i feel for you stradivarious, what do we do go all out for one night to be rejected again and have the last bit of self esteem sucked from us! or even worse have them do it because they feel sorry for us!!! omg. i'm gonna ram raid anne summers until i can find a real soloution. good luck stadivarious i hope you find a soloution xxx

Stadivarious, sorry do not know what to say to you , but one thing is very certain you deserve more than this, and there has to be some serious changes.Are you sure there is nobody else? it is just the way you describe your dh as successful that worries me.However, I think you need to focus on your self esteem at the moment, because once this is good you can tackle any thing.

WWIFN thanks you for posting , yet again. You really do have me wrong. I am so not bothered about status as you think I am, truely I am not. Yes, in the past I have obsessed about trying to get DH to buy the things we needed for our home but ONLY because we needed them and he COULD afford them but wasnt interested. I have always maintained to everyone who has ever known me that I would rather live in a little house with a DH who worked 9 to 5 with a modest salary if it meant I had a tight family unit and I mean every word. I get no pleasure from the big house as I rattle around alone, I am constantly weighed down with the depressing thought of cleaning it all the time. If you knew me in real life your view of me would be entirely different.

I know I have allowed myself to be beaten down over the years, I don't think I have ever had much in the way of confidence and self esteem. I only ever wanted to be married with children and be happy. I have always been a very good wife and mother. DH is rich and successful and I think the power has gone to his head and he thinks he can control everyone. He is not a bad person. He has a lot of barriers around him and I believe he keeps me at arms length to protect himself of any hurt. Yes I know that is wrong but I firmly believe that is just his way. I crumble every so often and get upset at things that perhaps most people wouldnt worry about but I put that down to just feeling insecure and unvalued. Even googling my EX H one day out of sheer boredom and then going on to have a few phone call with him whilst we told each other our life stories. I know I got slated for that and yes I did feel guilty but honestly and truely I was just being nosy there was absolutely nothing more to it although I think a lot os mumsnetters thought otherwise, I swear there was nothing.

Ah, penny drops

Strad...you are clearly bonkers and will not listen to any advice you have constantly been given....all of it has been completely consistent and yet you deny and rationalise

Just give up or get out...all this pointless navel-gazing is getting you precisely nowhere except back around to square one

Except every square one you get back to you are bit more downtrodden, a bit more negative, a bit older

Depressing, very depressing... and you are complicit in this awful parody of a relationship (and that is really a very unusual statement for me to make, believe me)

to CityGent.

Strad - look, we're trying to help you here, but you don't make it easy with your lack of self-awareness and denials.

Go back to the thread you started under a different name when you described the dinner party without the glasses. If you were really the sort of person who didn't give a stuff about having the "right things", then you would have bought any old glasses out of what you admit is a very generous allowance. Now as you know, I think it is totally barking for a woman to have an allowance at all, but that's another story.

As I recall, what you did that night was announce to your friends that there were no white wine glasses available because your H wouldn't buy them. You were trying to score points off him in front of your friends, who if they had any sanity, wouldn't have given a stuff what glass they were given, as long as they had one.

This is what I mean about what you have become.

You also change your name regularly on here and then get furious and arsey when it becomes obvious who you are, denying that you are the same poster who was using a secret SIM card to contact your ex, when it is patently obvious you are one and the same person.

In RL, you would irritate the hell out of me, but actually, I find I always want to cut through all this nonsense and help you if I can. But you've got to be honest with us on here for us to be able to do that. And a lot more self-aware.

come on.. I'm sure the thought has crossed her mind...

WWIFN - sorry, yes I did lie didnt I when I name changed and said I was someone else (re the talking to exH).

I feel I need to point out that I haven't or didnt show my DH up regarding wine glasses. For the record, we have not invited people to our house for years (he doesn't like anyone and has no friends of his own). I have my social life during the day with girlfriends. I do moan and nag about not having certain things in the house because he is very rich and wont buy these things. We have never, ever, ever even bought a dinner service after over 20years, I have a few bits and peices and then went out a while ago and bought some cheap stuff myself. We live in a house worth more than £2m yet when you walk in the door it looks poor and we haven't furnished it yet. Still no curtains or furniture in every room and espite being an expensive house it is not that big. He just doesnt want to spend money on completing 'our home'. He can afford it and it makes me sad. Yes there are greater things in the world to worry about and yes I do my bit for charity etc and am very generous and helpful to others so I am not a complete and selfish person, I am SO NOT. I know I get hung up on these issues because of Dh because his lack of understanding me makes me feel inadequate and invalueable. I know in my heart that if he was showing me emotional care and love I would not even be worried about other stuff. I also know that over the passage of time I have not explained myself too well on these threads (lack of education I suppose) but I am truely a very kind and empathic person and rightly or wrongly, I DO BELIEVE DH is a good person too. He just lkies the upperhand and I sometimes wonder too if he has asperger tendencies. He is mostly courteous to me, talks to me, takes us out, helps in house if I have asked, he has just given up on the loving emotional, sexual side of things the last fews years and thats the part that crucifies me and I latch onto other things. Does that make sense, even though I suppose I have screwed up yet again in trying to explain myself? I wouldnt iritate you in RL WWIFN, i know I wouldnt.

Strad, are you saying that you aren't the same poster called RingingtheChanges, who posted in the winter about having friends round for dinner? Please be honest, even if the story about having friends around in that thread was a white lie to give us some sense of his meanness....

Could he be gay?

I am being 100% honest. Yes I was ringthechanges, but my memory is totally crap. I dont remember if we had friends round or were thinking of it, either way I have never embarrassed DH in front of anyone, its just not what I do.

All this whining and moaning isn't going to change a damn thing though, is it?
Why don't you go out and buy some fucking curtains eh?
So he's rich, big whoop, he's still an idiot and actually, so are you if things are as bad as you paint them and you are taking no action.
You haven't taken any of the good advice that's been given, your choice of course, but then why the hell keep raking things over on here?

Strad, you do know how to retrieve your old threads don't you? Please re-read that long running thread from the winter when you were using that name and look at what you wrote. You must remember if you've had friends round for dinner 5 months ago, if this is as rare an event as you suggest.

Actually, I think you'd gain such an insight into your personality if you spent today re-reading all of your threads under your different guises.

WWIFN - no I don't know how to retrieve the old threads, would you help me please?

I will read them all, even I am fed up of me! I know I have changes to make and I am now feeling stronger to act on making those changes. DH has already noticed I have become more assertive.