Dh takes too long to... ahem ...*finish* - what can I do?!

[chrissiejames]

I no longer enjoy sex, part of the problem is, I think, that dh takes too long to finish. This has always been a feature, which in the early days was quite nice pre-kids when long sessions were great, now I have to say, I would much prefer a quickie.

Except that I never do actually say this to him cos I don't want to put additional pressure on him and make him get stressed and take even longer. I don't think he tries to take ages, it seems more like he is straining to make it happen (?!).

Anyone else have this problem? Or maybe it's my problem, and I should just enjoy the minimum half hour "quickie" (more usually heading on for an hour) when I just feel sore and wish it would end.

And yes I do try to hurry it up, with hands, mouth, whatever else, but it just doesn't seem to help.

If he has had more than a glass of wine, he sometimes doesn't finish at all, so best avoided (I pretend to be asleep)

Will I make things worse by talking to him about this? And will it get worse as he gets older - he is 43 now.

Thanks!

Little finger. Lube.

Well, you could always draw things to a close once you're finished/have had enough - doesn't have to always be on his terms.

little finger? what do you do with it?

OH! realised. Gosh

You are not alone. Just tell him to stop messing around and get on with it pronto.

I do. He gets it so rarely it usually spurs him on...

Romantic I aint.

Ok, I have a really naive question about that whole little finger thing. I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to sex (although I have a few tricks up my sleeve so to speak), but how does the finger thing work because basically I am just really grossed out by the idea of matted bum hair and poo fingers.

What do you do after? Do you go wash your hand straight away or do you just try not to wipe it on the sheets as you're post coital cuddling?

Sorry for the TMI questions but I've always wondered this. I did ask my best friend this once because I know her guy likes it but she got shy and wouldn't go into details!

(sorry for thread hijack, OP - on first read it sounds like a nice problem to have but I do sympathise, I've been there and it's pretty exhausting not to mention the friction...ouch)

Well, so long as you don't try to do an 'all creatures great and small' up to the elbow version it's fairly rare for their to be any erm...'mess'.

Or you could try rubber gloves.

sigh 'there'.

Ahh, right thanks Tanga. I must seem like a right prude!

Talk to him about it - word it positively. Maybe he's taking a long time on purpose thinking that you're enjoying it. Rather than saying you dislike it when it takes an hour, say how much you love it when you have a 'quickie'...

There must be a position or two that finishes him off more quickly?
Anything with really deep hard/fast penetration should do the trick if you
switch to that - in fact staying in the same postion at the same tempo for too long can numb things, so changing tack is always a good idea.

If you can train him so that once he turns you over/puts your ankles by your ears then it's time to hurry up, problem solved.

Alternatively, call time when you've had enough, he won't implode, if my DH has had a fair few drinks he sometimes doesn't finish, so what? It's still enjoyable, there must come a point where he knows it's not going to happen, make it clear to him that it's fine for him to stop if he's not getting anywhere.

My partner goes from one extreme to another, its either over in seconds or drags on for hours. I prefer the quickies, even if it is too quick so you have my sympathy!

Sounds like this could actually be a recognised pyschosexual problem know as Withheld Ejaculation.

This might help...

Withheld Ejaculation

See also:

• Retarded Ejac­u­la­tion
• Dry Ejac­u­la­tion

Here, ejac­u­la­tion is entirely pos­si­ble but there is a choice made to not do so dur­ing inter­course, though the male may not know exactly why. It is usu­ally a vol­un­tary ?hold­ing on? though there is some­times an inabil­ity to ?let go? even if he wants to, which he usu­ally does not. Mas­tur­ba­tion is usu­ally sat­is­fac­tory though it might be, from choice, an infre­quent occur­rence. Some males view this ?prob­lem? as a strength.

Many males who hold back in this way are not even aware that it is some­times viewed as a prob­lem. They may only become so at such time as they want to ?let go?, per­haps because there is now a wish to father a child, only to dis­cover that ?some­thing? is stop­ping them and they are pow­er­less to do any­thing about it. It is then that a par­tic­u­lar thought process ?kicks in? and they dis­cover that the harder they try, the more dif­fi­cult it all becomes. The usual out­come is retarded ejac­u­la­tion where there is no con­scious con­trol at all; he can­not ?come? dur­ing inter­course no mat­ter how long it lasts for; prob­a­bly because of a con­di­tioned response acquired through years of hold­ing back. Mas­tur­ba­tion, how­ever, will often present no such problem.

The Answer
It is impor­tant that a male with this prob­lem must truly want to resolve it; if he sees it even only partly as a strength, then it is not likely to change,  he will be quite nat­u­rally resis­tant to the idea of any sort of loss of power. When the prob­lem is invol­un­tary, though; in other words, when he really does not want to hold on but seems pow­er­less to just ?let go? then some pro­fes­sional help is needed.

get on top?

Excuse my ignorance, but how is getting on top of him going to speed him up?

I'm assuming he's not an inexperienced man who gets very excited simply because a woman is on top of him and he has her boobs in his face.

It's usually the best choice for a long leisurely session because the man isn't just pumping away and the woman gets to set the pace, plus it opens up the woman's pelvis and gives the man plenty of things to concentrate on, if he's doing it right .

I'd say that her legs by her ears, or straight up his torso, or deep leap frog position would be the most stimulating for him as they get the deepest penetration.

Chrissie, does your enjoyment/excitement not spur him on, as it were?

how are your pelvic floor muscles, love? can you give him a few tactical squeezes?

"man who gets very excited simply because a woman is on top of him and he has her boobs in his face"

imagine that!

well I can only say that it seems to still work for, um, a good friend of mine.

Yes, also have this.

And tbh when you´ve finished, & it´s starting to feel sore, it really isn´t fun.

I´m not sure if my husband really is taking longer or if it´s that I seem to take a lot less time since having the children.

I love these threads

Agree with elPollo - get those pelvic floor muscles exercised (weights you can buy from Boots are fab!) and squeeze away! Works a treat !

I agree with Mal...feeling like he always has to finish does make sex a bit predictable. Sometimes we just give up half way or switch to bj/hands or even have a tea break!!! We don't feel it's necessary to finish every time because sex is lovely whatever happens.

If you can tell him that you don't mind if he doesn't always finish, he may feel the pressure is off.

If dh takes too long I tell him that's it mate my back is killing me.

That's after I've tried to make it all thrilling by boob jiggling, changing positions and moaning a lot though

finger up the bum, massage a little bit and bobs your uncle, job done

Start a countdown. With rocket noises.