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Original poster

Dh takes too long to... ahem ...*finish* - what can I do?!

58 replies

chrissiejames · 07/06/2010 23:28

I no longer enjoy sex, part of the problem is, I think, that dh takes too long to finish. This has always been a feature, which in the early days was quite nice pre-kids when long sessions were great, now I have to say, I would much prefer a quickie.

Except that I never do actually say this to him cos I don't want to put additional pressure on him and make him get stressed and take even longer. I don't think he tries to take ages, it seems more like he is straining to make it happen (?!).

Anyone else have this problem? Or maybe it's my problem, and I should just enjoy the minimum half hour "quickie" (more usually heading on for an hour) when I just feel sore and wish it would end.

And yes I do try to hurry it up, with hands, mouth, whatever else, but it just doesn't seem to help.

If he has had more than a glass of wine, he sometimes doesn't finish at all, so best avoided (I pretend to be asleep)

Will I make things worse by talking to him about this? And will it get worse as he gets older - he is 43 now.

Thanks!

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 08/06/2010 13:23

Loving the idea of a tea break, forestgirl

IndigoSky · 08/06/2010 13:24

Does he perhaps think that you prefer a slowie? Does he hammer away like mad or is he quit nonchalant?

You never know, he might have read somewhere that all women prefer a marathon sex session every time so he thinks about other things such as Jeremy Clarkson in speedos in order to delay ejaculation.

susiecutiebananas · 08/06/2010 13:32

I'm afraid I'd have to say, count yourself lucky you have a DH who wants to have sex with you and doesnt have ishoos at the moment in his mind

Although, I did have boyfriend who took forever and I do understand it can get boring, sometimes sore etc... but, that said, I adored him, fancied him SO much, I didn't really mind. not all the time anyway. I do remember saying to my best mate, I'd give anything for a quicky sometimes!

Malificence · 08/06/2010 13:35

I doubt many men would welcome a surprise like that, especially if they're not used to it and it's never been dscussed, many would feel extremely violated.

Would a woman want a man to stick a finger up her bum unannounced because he thought she was taking too long? (I'm only talking about if the couple aren't used to anal play here.)

I'd maybe ask him if he would like to try it beforehand, he might like the idea, he might hate it, you can't just assume it will do the trick.

A better idea would be to get him to stop after an appropriate amount of time, say half an hour, after a few occasions of this he should be ready to pop like a champagne cork.

Making the OP feel responsible by implying she has poor pelvic muscle tone really isn't helpful, it sounds like the problem is his - if he's used to masturbating rather forcefully, it can be a hard habit to unlearn, if he DIYs regularly than he needs to stop completely and become used to more gentle stimulation.

Oblomov · 08/06/2010 13:39

me on top, helps.
doggy, when its really fast and frantic is the best.
are you sure your dh isn't stopping himself from coming. dh has to think of margaret thatcher. maybe you do need to tell him , in a polite/gentle,round-a-bout way.

Oblomov · 08/06/2010 13:40

and i don't like the finger bum idea. dh doesn't either. its not for everyone you know.

secunda · 08/06/2010 13:43

Yes DP would freak the hell out if I suddenly stuck my finger up his bum. Tried it once (gently) trying to find his G spot and it didn't go down too well...

elPolloDiabolo · 08/06/2010 14:09

ooh sorry, I wasn't implying that your PF muscles were lacking , just that if they're particularly well-trained you can squeeze your way to an early night your DP's magic moment.

Malificence · 08/06/2010 14:38

elpollo, if he's anything like my DH, he'll know the difference, mine can tell when I'm actively flexing as opposed to the subconcious tightening you get with a building orgasm.
You could try what I call my "bellydancing" technique - roll your hips and use your PC muscles in time with moving up and down slowly, then faster, in a sort of grinding forwards motion.

I suppose it depends on how visual your man is too, reverse cowgirl is normally a big mental turn on for them, from the visual aspect my DH says the actual feeling of it is less stimulating than the view.

HanBanan · 08/06/2010 14:46

I like these lessons. But it leaves me feeling like I'm shit in bed!!!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 08/06/2010 14:50

Ooh is can be agony if you're a bit tired or whatever and it takes forever.

Have you tried giving him a "speed trial" where you say, come on i really want you but you have to come within, say, ten minutes? Feeling like you really want him to come ASAP may well help speed things up.

And yeah, if you're bored or sore or just had enough it's fine to say so and stop. The whole point of sex is that it's fun for everyone involved!

IsGraceAvailable · 08/06/2010 14:56

If this has been happening for ages in spite of your best efforts - and is getting more prevalent - it could indicate the beginnings of a prostate problem. Could also be a psychosexual thing - if some vicious muscle contractions and a faked orgasm don't sort it out, though, you're still probably going to need A Talk.

I agree it's generally better just to let it fizzle away (and make a cuppa). Perhaps you could raise the issue while you drink your tea??

IsGraceAvailable · 08/06/2010 15:07

Sorry, I'm by no means suggesting faked orgasm as a regular event! More as a diagnostic tool, as it were - if that does work, then he's 'holding on' and could probably be fixed by asking him what he needs to get the release.

e3chick · 08/06/2010 15:12

I don't think this is the reason, but I'll mention it just in case. Anti-depressants can have this effect. Is he taking any medication?

It happens to us now and again, it is like the elephant in the room when I have finished and he is still at it, and I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on him so act like it is still all fantastic and then it goes on...and on...and I am finding it harder to act like it is all fantastic...and then eventually I have to say 'you're not going to come are you?'. He admits he's not and then we are all hugely relieved that we don't have to carry on and have a nice cuddle instead.

Would your dh be relieved do you think though, or would he have the hump if you called things to an end before he had orgasmed?

I think that putting up is the worst thing to do and will taint sex for you if you come and then always have to put up with another 20 minutes of pumping.

IsGraceAvailable · 08/06/2010 15:17

Good point, e3chick! It happens to me, too, due to the ADs. Quite annoying.

susiecutiebananas · 08/06/2010 15:30

Are you sure he's not taking matters literally into his own hands before, so it lasts longer for you, OR, just on his own too often? I know this was sometimes the case with the Boyfriend I had who took forever... but he also had quite a few psychosexual issues, and often he couldn't actually come through sex alone. We had to do other things after (an hour or more sometimes) so he could 'finish' !

stubbornhubby · 08/06/2010 15:34

perhaps just the threat of the little finger would rapdidly bring matters to a conclusion one way or another

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/06/2010 15:35

My OH likes the finger not that he need's it to come quick

Wanna swap?!

36years36years36years · 08/06/2010 15:35

I fell asleep once, that concentrated his mind the next time.

WestLondonHypnosis · 08/06/2010 15:41

chrissiejames,

As a mental health professional with specialist training Psychosexual stuff and as a 43year old male I can confirm that the more preasure you put on him the worse it will be.

Position & the strength of you pelvic floor have a small factor however there are so many other factors.

On thing in his favour is that he can keep going that long! So he must be fairly fit.

Would be interested to know if this is has always been the situation or if it is something that has got more pronouced. If so what has changed in his/your life at the time you noticed it.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 08/06/2010 15:46

What do you think is the rest of the reason you don't enjoy sex any more?

Is he satisfied with your sex life? I mean, can you talk about it? Why are you having sex if you don't enjoy it? Does he know that you don't enjoy it? Have you talked to him about it?

Original poster
chrissiejames · 08/06/2010 17:52

What a mine of information you all are - thank you! And some of those replies made me laugh.

So, answering some of the queries, no, I definitely don't talk to him about not enjoying sex. I think I only don't enjoy it cos it takes a long time - I like the first 5-10 mins. But I haven't mentioned it taking too long cos as WestLondonHypnosis posts above, I don't want to dent his ego, make things worse etc.

I don't think he is taking longer than he used to, just I have less energy and um less natural lubrication!

And yes, I am already jumping around, changing positions, bj/hand, moaning (haven't tried the teabreak option)! BUT 1 thing i don't do is have much visuals - I always switch off the lights, maybe I ought to try leaving a bit of light on somewhere... do you think that really makes a big difference to men? (I close my eyes - doesn't everyone?)

So, from all your words of wisdom, I'm planning to:

Use my pelvic muscles (not aware of them not being strong but have been squeezing them as I read this!)

Get my finger near the entrance though not sure if he or me would want to go through with it.

After half an hour of pumping, suggest stopping... currently, I just sort of stop moving, so am sort of doing it the non-verbal way but he doesn't seem to get the message about that anyway.

And maybe have A Talk, putting it positively along the lines of me liking quickies as opposed to Why do you have to take so long...

Let's see whether it helps...

OP posts:
stubbornhubby · 08/06/2010 21:31

half an hour !?!*! splutter.

hmm - why don't you suggest sex at some moment when you just HAVE to be done inside 10 mins - in your lunch break, 10 mins before your parents are due to arrive for tea, at half-time during England v USA on Saturday.

then when your done say 'WOW!! Now that was good at that speed...'

repeat

WestLondonHypnosis · 09/06/2010 07:06

ChrissieJames,

Leave the light on remember the biggest sex organ in the human body is the brain and men are very visual, hence most porn being produced primarily from a male perspective.

Also it is a matter of getting him really going before penetration so extend foreplay, get him to go down on you for instance as the scent of you will also help get him going too.

Hope that helps from a male prespective....

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/06/2010 07:42

Chrissie,

I think that there is nothing wrong with a quickie, quite the opposite. But if you are expecting every session to last 5 minutes then you need to rethink things.

Maybe you could be branching out? Buy some toys? Talk to him more generally about changing things around? Does he have any fantasies? Would he like the light on? Does he want anal play? Don't just hang around with a finger near his arse - ask him if he wants you to! Talking is the best way to improve your sex life, and if you do, then you could be enjoying more than 10 minutes!

You can address the lubrication issue with lubes.

Maybe you could try building him up throughout the day - send him some texts, you could put some kegel balls in (the help tone muscles and make you much more aware), talk to him about what turns him on.