He bloody brought the OW to our home.

[pleasereassure]

Following on from this thread

I took legal advice. The solicitor said that all that mattered were the emotional and physical needs of the children. H arranged to have DC for the day today. I'd had a really good phone call with him and explained what the solicitor had told me. He agreed and the phone call was positive.

He telephoned this morning at 8am and asked if all was ok to collect DC at 10am. Said it was. I called him back two mins later to check that he would be on his own. He confirmed yes. Again, I explained that, due to him leaving just six weeks ago it was too soon to introduce new partner to DC life. He agreed.

He came to collect. Again, I checked that he was going alone. He said he was.

Fast forward to 5.30pm. Dc arrive at the door saying "Mum, Melanie's in the car". I went out the the car and there she was. I asked her if she had been with my husband all day. She said Yes. I told my H I would see him in court. He wheel-span, like a 17 year old and yelled "Now you have a nice day..." out of the window as he sped away.

It helps having seen her as I was imagining a Pocohontas type beauty, which she isn't. And that helps! I am seething again. I know that he is entitled to have his own space but this is the FIRST time in two weeks, and only the third time in 5.5 weeks since he left, that he has seen DC. WHY does he need to share that time with his latest shag.

I feel bullied and lost. Off to put DC to bed. Back in a mo.

Can I offer another point?

My dh was married when we met(although his divorce did come through that month) but even though weve been together a long time,when hes behaving like a nob I often think,is this how he treated his first wife?,imo hes doing himself no favours with any future Gfs treating you like this in front of them.

The biggest 'revenge' you can have,and it will benefit you and your dc is by being calm and nice to him and any gfs,look after yourself and your home and he will soon get pissed off- I have a super glamorous friend who is recently divorced- she decided she would be who she really should have been if he hadnt knocked her down-her 'revenge' is sweet.

Jamiki, yes, he has never been violent. Just a prat

Nickschick, great point. I know I have to rise above it. I need to look after myself a little better, have barely eaten for 6 weeks. And I AM a busy, optimistic, energetic woman, and yes, he was holding me back all these years by not contributing in any way to the family. I fully agree with what you say.

'Twil be his family you know....egging him on with what to say and how to handle things. They know best of course. Sigh. Oooh, that's another good point about separation. His family are no longer my family.

Hi,

Only read first couple of posts. I have a big worry about all this with my ex and whats happened with you anmd your dc is my worst nightmare come true. It is far to soon for dc to meet ow. I recently saw a second solicitor and he said that it would be decent to insist on a ex being in a relationship for a year before ds meets ow. My last solicitor said six months.

Your dc's best intrests are not being looked after by introducing them to what may be a long line of women. Divorce the bastard and take make sure you get access set out with a solicitor.

Hi Newlease. Try not to worry - just because I'm going through this does not mean that it's a route that your ex will take.

I am a worrier too, and I am dealing with it by using the mantra "A worry is only defined by the amount of importance that you attach to it. And YOU have the ability to change that level of importance at any time".

Think it was good old Sir Walter Raleigh that spoketh that lovely quote.

Hey, hark at me dishing out advice

lol, Thats a very good saying. My ex is likely to do it. When he was having his affair he sneaked my ds off with him to meet her.... Their affair is now over as is our marriage but he has also tried to get other women involved with ds.

I have put as much stuff in place as I can to protect ds. I will stop access if he cocks about again.

I hope you manage to find a compromise with him and that it is all resolved for dc's and your sake.

Just to add another scenario about when it is the right time to meet the OW, but I do appreciate how difficult it all is and I do not mean to make any judgement. What has happened in my situation is actually very surprising and unexpected.

My exP left while he was having an affair with someone who did not want to meet DD. That made if very hard on her as she felt she was being shut out of her father's new life, even asking me who exP loved most, her or OW. That ended (probably because of this) and new OW soon arrived who DD met after just a few weeks. That I had not been warned and the fact that they went out for an entire day, doing something that I would have liked us to do as a family but never happened, hurt but for once I had the self-control not to show it. One year on DD and OW have a great relationship. Also, and rather unexpectedly, I have a new DP and, probably taking my lead from exP although also because I'm the one who has to book the babysitter to go out, DD met new DP after about 3 months (when I was more certain than not there was longevity) and again there is a very good relationship with DD. DD I think sees it as having lots of time with her parents, but also having another two adults who she likes and like her. Perhaps we have been lucky with the new individuals concerned, but I think the outcome also results from DD being confident that her parents will continue on friendly terms, always put her first, but are also getting on with new lives.

The adrenalin and not sleeping is horrible -you have my sympathy. A friend gave me some hypnosis tapes - also used some rose oil and the stuff from health food shops - Rescue Remedy. Others think Kalms is good.

The best revenge is living well! It really really helps in the longer run

Its so hard to see an OW already -just see him/them at contact and try to move on with your life. Think what you want to do - get a plan together if you can - how to use your free time when the kidds are with him. It can all be very painful at the start but I promise it gets better.

Thanks for your input, undermyskin. Your scenario sounds wonderful. And if I had a crystal ball and could foresee this happening with ex-H, then I think I would feel slightly calmer.

In my head, new GF is horrid and mean to my children and therefore I must stop them meeting. But this is probably not the case and I know I'm over-reacting. It must have been awful for you however to find out that OW WAS nasty to your DD.

I've spent today pottering around the house with the children as we are off for half-term. It's been brilliant. They still haven't mentioned Daddy or GF. I guess they've seen him and so know that they won't see him again for ages, which is the norm given ex-H's absent parenting over the years, plus hospitalisation.

I am feeling no need to be threatened or worried right now, although the thoughts are trying to creep in...

I agree mustbetheend. We're not so good on the finances at the moment, but we are going to join the local health club today as we are all keen swimmers. Therefore, on access visits I can wallow in a heap of steam somewhere.

I know that the hurt will stop but sometimes it just takes over. My heart attack pain has gone now, so that's postive. Also, having such a fun morning with the DC has been the best medicine ever.

God, he's a prat.

I have to say as much as I feel your pain and know where your're coming from in regards to DCs meeting 'new' woman. (im still not sure why shes being called OW to be honest)

However, fixing a rigid 'year' rule is a bit petty imho. I would be LIVID if my ex tried to do this to me. I dont understand the purpose of it. I mean, the new women getting on with your children is a big part of the relationship. If she cant meet them for a whole year how can she make a judgement about being with your ex or not? After a few months if a new women is awful with your DCs then i'd hope that he'd leave her. If a year has gone by maybe he would be relectant to.

Way too much control to want over someones life, it will only build resentment. Instead of prolonging the agony of having a new (or potentially many new!) women in your kids lives.. I think you need to work on letting go.

Foureleven, I'm not sure what you mean? I never mentioned a year rule. I think you have confused me with another poster on this thread.

I have already come to terms with it being my issue, so unsure really of your response.

Four eleven - I mentioned the year thing as I also mentioned 6 months. This was just advice from my solicitor and I find you calling it petty pretty upsetting.

pleasurereassure - please remember I was writing with the huge advantage of a year having passed. A year ago I hated what was going on and, like you, thought it much to early for DD to meet OW. I can remember telling myself that although exP had completely broken my trust in him I had to take a leap of faith that he would do nothing to harm DD and I must respect his judgement rather than bringing mine to bear on the situation. When exP first left, when he was involved with the first OW, he saw DD only intermittently for first 7 weeks, largely because his life was pretty shambolic. She was very upset by this, and it was all unhelpful as she had important exams. She felt excluded from her father's life. I tried to make no judgement on OW no. 1 but I do think exP ended it when he felt that she was unaccepting of his DD (she never met DD so it is not the child per se but rather a child) and he was not actually looking to have a string of OWs, child-free weekends away in smart hotels, etc.
DD knows she is my and exP's absolute priority and it has worked out happily for all of us, although I still find the constant packing of bags, split weekends etc disruptive.
It is very early days for you (and I do remember the rawness of it all). All I would like to suggest is that you try (not easy) and have no views on OW (other than that if she does see your DC that she is good to them and also that she respects the priority of their relationship with their father and that he MUST have time when he sees DC on their own). She is not and will never be a threat to you but she just may turn out to be someone your children can have some fun with (and give you a bit of time to pursue your own fun). Of course, she may disappear as quickly as she arrived, and it is at that point, had it been the case with me, that I would have laid down the law on what was and was not acceptable in ensuring DD's life was as stable as possible.
I do not resent the time DD spends with OW, I'm just pleased that she always returns happy and within a few minutes always tells me how much she loves me.

What a twat.

Why oh why does anyone get their dcs involved with a new relationship? Crazy.

Sorry was responding to ?anewleaseoflife?

newleaseoflife sorry my intention wasnt to upset you, but to warn OP that I feel it is not a good idea. I feel strongly that she needs to let go of this anger and move on and I also felt strongly that your post encouraged the opposite.

Its just an opinion.

as a step mother I was propely in love with my DP after 6 months and at 3 months I couldnt WIAT to meet his DD from his marriage. She's a huge part of his life and in order to lovee him fully I needed a relationship with her. If her mother had of had the righ to say no until a year had past I most likely would have gone beserk!

I just dont think that controlling the kids dad is a good idea. Unless they are in danger of course. As much of an arse as he may be, he has the right o make moral judgements where the childrena re concerned (unfortunately!)

Oh god, typos!

Its not about controlling the kids dad at all. I too was/am a stepmother. I was asked by their mother to wait six months before I met them, I thought this was very reasonable, the last thing I wanted to do was upset the girls. I also felt that they were her children and she gets to agree with ex about the amount of time.

My situation is slightly different in that my ex sneaked my ds off to meet ow whilst they were having affair... he also threatened to take ds. He then stopped contact several times because she didnt want him to be away from her children. I have very good reasons for asking ex to keep it to 6 months or a year before any of his MANY girlfriends meet my son. I would do the same if I got into a relationship. Which I dont plan to.

And as far as im concerned his moral judgements are usually wrong! I also have a right to protect my child which is what I do. Its not wrong at all. I merley suggested to the op that she seek legal advice and 'divorce the bastard'. I stand by that statement.
but actually dont mean to direct it all at you. sorry

For what it is worth I agree with both foureleven and newleaseoflife. Mother does not have the right to dictate if and when exP introduces DC to OW/GF (if she does it can just be perceived as spite rather than in best interests of DC) as ex must be allowed to exercise his own judgement, but mother, as usually the main carer, I think does keep the responsibility for ensuring this does not destabilize the DC and to ask for changes if it does. As to timing, well that all depends on the adults and DC involved, with no rule applying to all.

Oh thats fine lease Im sorry I made you angry.

Thats the thing about moral judgements though...they cant really be wrong. Well, they can IYKWIM, I think its wrong that my DD was introduced to so many new women (she once walked in to ex's house with me, saw a pair of women's shoes and said excitedly 'OOh daddy, which one is here today!' at 2 years old) but really, I am not the very last word on it as we both parent.

Believe me, I stand up for me and my daughter when he really takes the piss but some things just arent worth building resentment over. And once the 6 months or year is up.. all the pain will still be there.

Its a hard hard thing but I really feel that rising above it will get you through most things in life.

Undermyskin, you are right. It would be great if dad showed consideration to children and ex before he introduced children to someone else. But if he doesnt then I think it should just go on the list of things you disagree with... and it'll get longer over time Im afriad OP, leaseoflife et al.. my list increases 2 fold every day!