He bloody brought the OW to our home.

[pleasereassure]

Following on from this thread

I took legal advice. The solicitor said that all that mattered were the emotional and physical needs of the children. H arranged to have DC for the day today. I'd had a really good phone call with him and explained what the solicitor had told me. He agreed and the phone call was positive.

He telephoned this morning at 8am and asked if all was ok to collect DC at 10am. Said it was. I called him back two mins later to check that he would be on his own. He confirmed yes. Again, I explained that, due to him leaving just six weeks ago it was too soon to introduce new partner to DC life. He agreed.

He came to collect. Again, I checked that he was going alone. He said he was.

Fast forward to 5.30pm. Dc arrive at the door saying "Mum, Melanie's in the car". I went out the the car and there she was. I asked her if she had been with my husband all day. She said Yes. I told my H I would see him in court. He wheel-span, like a 17 year old and yelled "Now you have a nice day..." out of the window as he sped away.

It helps having seen her as I was imagining a Pocohontas type beauty, which she isn't. And that helps! I am seething again. I know that he is entitled to have his own space but this is the FIRST time in two weeks, and only the third time in 5.5 weeks since he left, that he has seen DC. WHY does he need to share that time with his latest shag.

I feel bullied and lost. Off to put DC to bed. Back in a mo.

YES Colditz. YES. YES. Fuck.

Osama, thanks for clarifying. Feeling a little bruised today...

pleasereassure - very sorry that you are having such a bad time. I haven't read the thread yet but your H insensitivity reminds me of recent divorce of a friend. He did some of the same things and it wound her up. She ended up in huge back and forth with high powered solicitors. The sad thing is that the legal bill on both sides was substantial at the end of it all. Hers was well over 100k, if I recall what she told me. I don't what to worry you but be wary of thinking that the legal process can sort it all out. When things settle down you will and H will end up working out some settled relationship for the DC's benefit. In the mean time, there will be ups and downs along the way so consider which battles are most important to fight and what is the least damaging option.

PS I didn't read the entire thread so I hope that I haven't missed anything crucial.

Bets wishes

I KNOW that what you, Colditz and Crackfox,are saying is true. I think that's why I feel like I'm going insane. I have done EVERYTHING for this man...everything. I have never cheated, never stashed money, never lied...simply done my absolute best to move our family forward.

He did nothing. He is telling everyone what an absolute controlling nightmare I was. Do you know, the last thing he said to me when he'd packed his stuff and was leaving was "Can you show me how to download my Itunes library from my Ipod to my new computer?".

Snort. Because I had always DONE things like that for him.

He's obviously behaving like a dick, but as others have said, once you've separated you have to accept that you have pretty much no control over what the ex does with his or her life, unless it's something that the courts would frown on. It's a tricky relationship in which you have no control, but you nevertheless have to try your hardest to keep things on an even keel for the sake of the DCs. So, hard as it is, you need to put on your best cheerful face and let him get on with being a dick.

If you really want to be the bigger person, you could actually ring him up and apologise for yelling at him - NOT because he particularly deserves an apology, but you'll wrong-foot him, and it might help the two of you to establish a good working relationship.

he has to make you out to be controlling, how else can he save face when people ask "Why were you so awful to the woman who nursed you through cancer>?"

Thanks TDiddy. In my rage earlier I had talked myself out of going to mediation, but I know I will still see it through. I'm too tight (or rather broke) to have it any other way.

PS Can you tell me how to download my iTunes library on to a new computer too?

Colditz, that is the question that everyone is currently asking. "How can he do this after all you did for him last year?".

Policywonk, I agree. I did actually think about that. And I think I do need to maintain the dignity and the niceness as yes, it will wrong-foot him. It's just so blardy hard when I what I really want to do is kick him in the nuts

Oooh, first smilie of the thread. Maybe my glass of vino is helping.

Drop the reins. I know it's hard because you've had to hold th3e reins on him for so long to make sure he doesn't land everything in the shit ... but drop them.

because there is an upside to this. No right of control means no responsibility of control either. When his life goes to shit now, it's his problem and his alone.

Would you believe that 2 years after ex and I split up, he asked me to put up the deposit on a flat for him? And I did - AFTER I made him sign something to the effect that in the event of non-repayment, his computer would belong to me.

It wouldn't have held up in court, but he didn't know that because he never dealt with anything legal, financial or otherwise adult.

let him tell people you were controlling - who cares what he tells who, just say I have no idea he lived in the games room the whole time FULL STOP then don't say any more

Yes stick with the arbitration. And try to view it as a process of unravelling from him and not a process to judge who was right and who was wrong as this can easily descend into an expensive brawl with no winners including DC.

Policywonk, sigh. Do you need me to "control" you also.

Colditz, it's just so hard! He has been on reigns for so long it's hard to drop them. But you are right.

This has been a brilliant thread with so much good, sensible advice.

Oh god yes please, if you have a vacancy

BTW, policywonk, your Ipod is like a hardrive. Just make sure that it's in "hard drive" mode, and that your Itunes is too, and it will download

Policywonk x-posts. LOL!

But beware, if you start playing Blokus til 3am then that's where it ends. I will take my control away

Loving Colditz. Just drop it - giving him attention for being a knob, giving him kudos with his G/f for 'coping' with impossible ex-wife, just stop.

Let the kids have time with him as he is.

Just do handover and have a much deserved and needed break. The computer is HIS issue -he needs to work on it. You wouldn't haev him back anyway so why should you care if Kerry Catona was in his fucking car?

The kids need to see their Dad.

It is up to him totally to develop his own relationship with DC. He should phone them and you should not be involved. You should go no contact as much as possible - will help you heal quicker. Get to the stage where you communicate by text/email only.

He sounds angry with you. Be prepared that he wont be so keen on access when relationship with Melanie breaks down.

Its s horrible horrible painful place to be - sorry for the pain/upset you and kids are going through. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

Thanks to all for such a postive thread. Orf to bed now.

Dignity and peace is restored.

Thanks Mustbe. Night all.

What an arsehole he is Pleasure. The problem is although your seperated , it probably doesnt FEEL like your seperated , it takes quite some time , go easy on yourself .( Would it help to start calling him your ex ?) Re his new girlfreind , its unlikeley to last , hes probably trying to punish you for not wiping his arse enough or whatever.

I wouldnt mention the gf again to be honest, unless of course shes horrible to them. At the moment hes behaving like a toddler trying to get attention off his mummy by being naughty. And she,ll have her own strange reasons for getting involved with someone in his position. Maybe shes a gamer too !

Just picture him in his shit little caravan whilst fixated on his shit game slurping beer surrounded by take out boxes. Maybe " Melanie " will buy him one of those little potty chairs so he never has to interupt his game by having to wee. Maybe he,ll be able to do that thing where he excitedly tells her what level hes at as though she gives a shit . Lol ! Cant you tell ive lived with a gamer ?

Give yourself a pat on the back for kicking him out and showing your kids that this isnt ok behaviour. And laugh to yourself about this game addicted beer swizzling idiot trying to stifle farts in front of Melanie in his dingy little caravan with poor ventilation.

Snort at him wheel spinning. Did melanie look suitably impressed ?

Morning all. Have barely slept, with my mind not being able to shut off from seeing GF in the car with him. My stomach is churning with adrenalin.

Dignified, thanks for your reply. You talk sense. I do have to remember the reasons why I kicked him out...because they make my skin crawl. Think I'm focusing too much on him, and not enough on our new family of three.

Things to be thankful for:
Waking up every morning to a "Good Morning Mummy" from DS2
Being able to cuddle DS2 all day, who always finds my knee
Watching DS1 overcome his undiagnosed ASD to star in school play
Lovely, supportive mother and sister
Fantastic boss who understands and is being so, so flexible with my hours.

At the moment, my anger is playing into his hands and feeding him. Must focus on being happy with my lot and grateful for all of this time that he is not here.

pleasereassure Sorry, have only just caught up with this. Umm... yes it was very hard at first. I didnt want my little girl thinking it was ok for daddy to have different girl in his bed every time she saw him. And I also worried about how the women would treat her since my ex didnt know them very well.

But I let go after not too long.. if you want reassuring (as your name suggests!) Then all the terrible things you are imagining probably wont happen. My daughter is growing up to be a confident little angel, despite her father.

Kids will ove daddy no matter what and although you'll often want to scream 'He's a cock - how can you love him?!' You really just have to suck it up Im afriad.

Happily my ex seems to have settled a bit with the latest one. And she seems lovely, so thats good.

I know its cliche but rise above it! And dont let your children know that it gets to you.

Thanks Foureleven. The children did have a great day with ex-H and GF yesterday but they have not mentioned anything about her or the day out this morning. This therefore states how little a deal it was for them. It is me that is making it into a huge issue, and I have to stop doing that.

By letting H go, I can now ensure that I am being a good role model for them. As DC are boys, I didn't want them to grow up thinking that it is ok to treat your wife with such little respect. And it is not the woman's job to do everything.

Must keep focusing on the good.

PR- good on you for the steps you've taken. While it was never going to be easy you have achieved what you set out to do. Got him out.

Great advice given to you so far. I also am loving Colditz and Dignified. I second the advice re; no contact with him.

He knows you will be anxious prior to seeing him and will use this to his advantage by upsetting you on an ever increasing scale as time goes on.

I am grateful for you that he sounds aloof and submissive rather than controlling and violent by nature, I hope this is the case.

Chin up, you never know what or who may be waiting the corner.